Bab 8: Panic
I've already gotten a healing potion out and used it on Rinai. I'm moving fast and efficient, focusing on my medical skills to heal Rinai.
"Rinai! Are you ok? How much damage did you take?"
"It's not as bad as it looks, I'm already back to 3/4 health thanks to your potion and healing spells Afira. Thank you."
"3/4!? That was a high potion! You were nearly dead?" I can't stop my hands from shaking now. All my focus is shattered now that I know he's safe and that he was so heavily wounded.
He looks at me sheepishly. "I would respawn even if I died Afira." He takes hold of my hands rubbing his thumb across my palm.
"Would it hurt? Would you still be you?" I hear my voice shaking and I know my eyes are wet with tears but I can't look away from him despite my embarrassing appearance.
He gently wipes my eyes and pulls me into a hug rubbing my back to soothe me. He takes a deep breath and describes to me what death for him is like.
"The damage is uncomfortable, but dying...it feels, disconcerting? Like being in pieces and slowly coming back together. It's happened a few times, I haven't changed substantially from it. It is an experience that affects who I am like any other experience."
I hate hearing that he has died before. I've died in this game too. He's right it's an odd feeling but not horrible or permanent. Even so, I don't want him to ever die. What if his data was corrupted or he lost some memory. Like if the pieces didn't all come back together.
I can feel my panic building considering all the possibilities but it's too late to stop the worries and the what if questions swirling through my head. My heart rate is spiking and my breathing feels labored.
"Afira!"
The sound of Rinai calling sounds so far away even though he is still holding me. My hearing and vision are weakening as is my connection to the game. Soon the automatic safety will log me off due to my erratic heart rate.
"Rinai...panic attack...I'll be ok. I'll lose connection a bit. Medicine...then I'll be back."
I tried to explain, I'm not sure if I actually spoke or not though. I've lost the connection now and can't get back until I've calmed down.
I take several deep breaths, roll off the couch and slowly make my way to the kitchen to take a tranquilizer med. I pull out my phone and send a shaky text to Rinai that I'll be ok. I have to keep deleting and retrying as I keep typing absolute nonsense. I almost drop the phone and even nearly throw it out of frustration.
[im ok. Pani atak, back soon.] I gave up and just sent a text with errors. I was taking to long, which was only making me more anxious.
I get a quick response from him.
[I'm so glad. Please take your time to recover. I'm safe and so is Tilly. We will both remain in the stall. There are a lot of player's fighting wolves now so we won't be attacked.]
I'm so ashamed of myself for losing control. I sit in the kitchen doing nothing until I can move my fingers properly and focus my mind to send a text.
[I'm embarrassed. I know I totally overreacted, sorry.]
[You were scared for me Afira, I think that's the nicest most wonderful thing anyone has ever done for me. Just like when you got mad for me. Please don't feel bad about it.]
I don't even know what to say to that. Why is it that I finally meet a fun person that is understanding and accepting but he's digital? How do I even deal with this?
[Thank you. Rinai I really appreciate it.]
May as well eat something while I'm in the kitchen. I don't have much appetite but it's better if I eat something along with my medicine.
I purposely made extra food yesterday so I could grab it quick while I played today. I randomly pull a container from the fridge and start eating it cold.
I slump back to the living room and plop down onto the couch. I eat without tasting my snack. My breathing and heart rate seem steady now. I want back on, I need to see Rinai it's not enough to text.
I force myself to wash the dishes I used and go to the bathroom first before getting back online. I even take a quick shower and get fresh clothes since I had gotten a bit sweaty.
Now that I feel calm and composed I'm ready to log in.
Rinai and Tilly are discussing what repairs will be needed to his armor. He's actually taken it off and is wearing a simple shirt that reveals his collarbone and dips low in the front. I know I put those bandages on him but I don't even remember it now. Was there really that many?
I'm just staring quietly but they notice me quickly. Both of them come right over. This is awkward, I appreciate that they were worried about me but I feel so embarrassed to have caused this. I'm not even the one that got hurt.
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone