Bab 28: 第28章: A Future That She Does Not Want
Heading into a room where she was free to discuss her past. Feiyu assured that it was something that it was normal. Perhaps most of them knew her story and will tell her them in time. To begin a new chapter, one must be willing to let go of what their past was. And be willing to talk about it to some extent.
Sitting down on a table, as a servant came inside offering them tea. She figured that it will have taken quite a lot to do anything. It seemed rather obvious that it will be taking some time before they could leave. Along with some food, perhaps knowing that they just came from a long journey.
But it had to be done. She was curious enough to keep herself awake, and she wasn't really tired from the traveling either. She could hear stories, and she doubts that she will have been exhausted. She felt that this was something that she could not leave for another day. And Zhixun's words were still with her, which gave her an idea just what sort of fate Feiyu had been meant for.
"I grew up in Kaifeng, the heart of the capital. My family was a powerful noble family with a rising influence in the court. And from a young age, I had my fate rolled out for me, I will be an imperial concubine the moment I was old enough." It was one thing to find out a marriage just a month before it happened, and another to know all your life who you were going to marry.
"You could say that I was more than happy with the situation as it was. I knew my place, my role, and my future. Until of course a fortune teller told my parents of the fate that I will have if I were to enter." She stopped for a moment. As Dianyu looked at her, perhaps curious as to what is on her mind.
"Did you have to tell me everything now?"
"Yes, I do. I'm your master, as such, it is my job first to tell you my tale."
She nodded, before waiting for Feiyu to continue speaking with her. "My parents thought that it could have been avoided, a considerable donation, rebuilding temples, charity. But nothing did, I was meant to be their retribution. For their sins, they committed in the past, and also the retribution on the royal family."
"The royal family who broke with fate." And hence, why she was here. This was too much, to be the downfall of so many when she had nothing. She simply was ill-fated enough to be born with the family. "When it was, I told them that I will leave. I will never return, not as their daughter. But as a courtesan. Fate always had made my life difficult, and no matter the path it will never be easy."
She guessed that the reason was the fear of losing their standing, their influence. To not gamble with fate, when it often told quite a bit of the truth. It is rarely accurate, but it always ends the same way. Or even how it ended at the end of the day.
It made sense why she left.
"They didn't give up, they did one more thing. They tried to ask what was the way in which I could avoid bringing their family down. Send me to the palace, unrelated to them, a nameless girl. I will be the dynasty's doom, and my parents planned for that." Now that she was here, it was almost horrifying to hear. It resonated deep within her.
As much as the day had begun to wane. Almost nighttime now. She didn't need every detail of her past. But she knew enough to know what all of it meant at the end of the day. She didn't need any more detail o give herself a good picture and a good idea. She knew enough to know all of it herself.
"You should eat something, you're in for a long night." As much as the day could not get any longer. Dianyu ate something because she was indeed hungry. She rarely ate more than two meals a day, often in the morning as she worked. With some snacks in between before evening. And before sleep, she usually ate something extra as well.
She was used to working when she was hungry, hence why she never complained. The cook was far far worse in such punishments, often leaving her nothing more than two slices of bread in the morning and night. It was far worse in her other assistants, with the food being nothing more than a single slice of bread, or even a bowl of porridge the entire day.
But whatever was before she was a lot more than that. She was effectively spoiled for choice, and by choice, she meant a lot, a lot of choices. She doubted she could finish all of it, much more than what she had. Often they are leftovers from the afternoon or cooked separately. They were good because her mother was a good cook after all.
It was just that they were all in the same kind. And after nearly fifteen years, it didn't even taste good anymore. But this was fresh, the taste refreshing and different. She didn't miss the food per say, just that she wasn't removed from it enough to truly appreciate it. Now, she was merely liking all that was before her.
When she was done, she got up. Still wearing the dress here, she doubted she needed to be clean to watch whatever fate intended for her. She knew that it was far from pretty, remembering the words that she seemed meant to battle with fate. That she was meant for such a life. That she knew the world couldn't fully control her the moment she was a small child.
As such, she stepped onto the main hall. Where there was a garden in the front courtyard, filled with flowers in full bloom. The top of the sky revealed a full moon, which she thought was the best time for something like this. In the middle of the garden, the woman was there. Alone, and no one else. She doubted anyone was too interested in something like this. At least not before it was certain that she was a part of them.
Entering deep inside, was where she was able to look at where the woman was. Stepping forward without any fear. And there was a mirror, the same thing that hell shows to those who refuse to admit their sins. Here, it was a gate to knowing and understanding her own future.
"Step before it, and look at the mirror." As simple as that, without the need for anything else. She looked into the mirror of her own, looking at her own future. A future that she had no idea what it means or the future that she has left.
The mirror changed.
The first thing she saw in her own future, was the look of a perfect life. The perfect life that many thought it was. Perfection, even to her. A son that she loved, a daughter that she treasured. A husband who knew her and cherished her. Even as she didn't feel any sadness, she knew what she chose to leave behind. The way that he looked at her, gratitude but not life. A contentment, an agreement that they reached.
But she knew deep within herself that she didn't want this. She wanted to be able to go around the place, and if she was to settle she will not have completely given up her dream. She will have wanted to go no matter where he went, no matter how tired it was. She will not have not gave it all up. Not without any resentment, later on, she saw it. She saw the slight resentment, the way that she looked at the sky. Wondering whether she had a chance to leave. Or even a reason to truly see the sights she wanted to see.
The woman turned around and left. It was a perfect dream for many, but for her, it was a prison in its own way. A prison which she knew the very day she got the offer. That her own intuition told her before she even saw this. She went forward and never looked back.
A possibility, but not something that convinced her was enough to make her choice then. She didn't feel that it was something that was right for her, something that she should have thrown into them. It was perfect, but she wanted to know more. Where was her mother in this? Where were the people that she knew?
The placed changed according to her mind, as though it was meant to show her whatever she willed it to. But only within her own future. There, she saw that it was a closed business. Her mother, now an old woman living mostly alone. A stable life. It was perfect. But she knew that it was too wrong, remembering the words she told her.
I'll always be working with my hands, no matter when or where. There is nothing in the world which I will stop for. Not even old age seemed to stop her, she worked as hard as she used to as a child. Never growing particularly tired or even exhausted of her work. She simply worked because she liked the job and the fact that she was earning money helped.
She doubted that she could ask anything. Here she was only allowed to view at any point. Next, she looked at her friend, Er'ying. Holding a laden spoon and serving the next customer. She was wearing simple clothes, for the most part, nothing seemed out of place. With her child running all around. She never found another man and not even another friend.
Feiyu was the only one strange enough to befriend her, and she guessed that it was her own status as a wife which prevented. The wife of an esteemed scholar could not associate so readily with what many deemed a harlot. It will draw attention, as much as it will not help her. Reputation was all a woman had, the only reason why anyone will marry her. That and her family's wealth. But it was always reputation, as it was the only way to assure that when she married into the family any child by her will be theirs. No question on their paternity.
Before she went back again, looking at Zhao'en. Now a woman who appeared much older than she thought. Wearing only black, the color of mourning and suggesting her position. Even as she looked out of place in this small happy house. Taken back here by her brother as she was childless. Expected to mourn for the next three years of her life, and probably never remarry.
Even as Dianyu saw that in the future, she will envy Zhao'en. Zhao'en who had lost her own place. Zhao'en who was reduced to living on the charity of others. Free, but unable to make a choice. Free but without even as many choices as she had now. No one will marry a woman her age, and chances were she will end up either serving the palace or opening her own shop.
Why was she envious of such a woman? A woman who didn't have the freedom to choose her path. Merely an unfortunate widow. A woman who could not strike it out in her own way, not without great cost. Not without relying on nothing.
It was the dream of many, but for her, it seemed nothing more than a nightmare. Only that she could say it now because it never happened to her because she chose to trust that it will have done little to nothing for herself. That it will not have been worth the time. That it will have brought her nothing more than misery.
That was fate's intention for her, to have all her needs fulfilled, to be seen as having a perfect life. But in reality, none of her true dreams was fulfilled. And that she never got what was her perfect life. To have lived a life, but in reality, she never truly lived. Not in the way that she wanted to.
In a way, it was something that she truly feared.
And it was then, she returned to reality once more. Seeing Feiyu, who had seen things.
"So, what is the true life fate had for you?"
"To have lived but never the way that I wanted to." And a way of denying her the wishes that she had.
"Do you want that?"
"No, I will have been unhappy. To anyone else, this was perfection. I guess that is what fate wants for me, a gilded cage that I can never fly out of."
"Precisely what he wants. Some he makes for them horrifying futures but gives them the small, blissful moments where they truly experience happiness. And for others, grant them happiness in the eyes of others, but deep down is nothing more than misery."
"Do you understand why we must do this?"
"To give us a chance to break from this, to give us a shot at the fates we want not what was intended for us."
"Exactly. Feiyu, you have done well to find her." Feiyu said nothing.
She looked to the night sky. Knowing that the only way she will ever be satisfied in life was only if she was to live it the way she wants and live with the consequences. No matter how hard it was, and even though those difficult moments she doubted she will regret her own actions.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
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