Chapitre 16: The Smiling Doll

Tomose's POV

"Honey, are you alright?" My mother's concerned voice called me through the door between us.

"What happened at school? Did someone say something?" She was knocking on the bedroom door.

"Just ... Just give me some time alone!" I said in a voice my mom couldn't have heard.

"Please" My voice was breaking.

Tears were still running down my cheek and I was lying on my bed with a pillow to cover the sound of my sobbing. I don't know what happened, neither did I know what I did. All I know is that no one trusts me, or should I say that I have no one to trust.

I don't care about anything anymore. I don't have anyone on my side anymore. I was left alone. I tried my best, but in the end everyone left me.

Neither did Matsushita believe me, nor did Sakamaki. I was a fool to think that Sakamaki wanted to be friends with me. I was a fool to think that Matsushita cared about me.

I don't know what that letter was; I don't want to know it was. All I know is that my so-called friends believed a piece of paper instead of me. It wasn't my fault. They still wanted me to apologise.

Why would I apologise, you fucking bitch!? Who the fuck do you think you are!?

Being introverted was good.

I was a fool to think that changing myself would help me live a happy high school life.

But this didn't change the fact that there was something wrong with me. Otherwise Matsushita, who was friends with me for so long, betrayed me in a blink of an eye.

Am I a person who is hard to trust?"

Was I that bad?

Was I that selfish and egoistic, as Yoshiwa used to say?

I know nothing. I just wanted to cry my heart out.

My sound of my sobbing filled my room. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I will keep myself shut in my room. After a few days everyone will forget about this and I can go back to being how I was normal.

That's not normal. The act of smiling from behind a mask is not normal.

It's normal. It was normal for me. It was the new me.

It's the old you. You just learned to make a lie your reality.

That's not true. I know who I am.

Your existence is a lie, Saki Tomose. A lie that you kept feeding yourself. The Saki that people know is nothing but a doll with a mask of smile plastered on its face. That's who you are, Saki Tomose.

You're a LIE.

No, I'm not.

You can't expect people to get along with your lie.

My mind was in a conflict with itself. My past self was standing in front of me. She was as sad as I used to be back in middle school. Looking at me with disgust in her eyes. I took a step towards her, but the old me dispersed in the air before I could hold her hand.

I tried to run after her voice, but soon my legs gave up.

"Look at her, can you believe her?" I heard a very familiar voice. I turned around to meet with two detested eyes staring at me. It was Matsushita and Sakamaki.

"Please, why are you doing this? What did I ever do to deserve this?" I cried out to them.

"That's your fault Tomose-san. You did nothing but lie." Matsushita said disgustedly.

"Is this the mask that you always wear?" Sakamaki said in a bitter tone as his hands advanced towards my face.

I looked at him, and his hands turned to dust. He looked at me with eyes that were colder than ever I've ever seen.

"See what y…" He faded away with wind before he could finish his sentence. I looked towards Matsushita but she wasn't there.

I screamed out their name and cried to them, but there was nothing except the sound of tinnitus ringing in my ears.

I woke up to darkness enveloping my room. I checked the time, and it was 5:30 pm. I removed the blanket from over me. My mother must've come to check on me while I was sleeping.

I was facing the repercussions of my actions till now.

"Saki, dinner is ready. Come down." My mother called me from downstairs.

I didn't feel like responding. My body was feeling heavy, and I wasn't hungry. I kept resting my body on my bed. I turned the lights in my room off, and I was feeling sleepy. I exhausted my mind from thinking about so many things that didn't matter to me anymore.

I heard the light footsteps of my mom approaching my room before dowsing off to sleep. Next day I woke up with a blanket covering me.

I wasn't in the mood to go to school that day, so I told my mom and took a day off. I did nothing but lay on my bed and scroll through social media all day long. Time was passing in instances and before I could know it was already evening.

I was surfing through the same old boring memes that are recycled on every other page. My mother knocked on the door of my room and then opened it slightly.

I looked at her and asked, "What?"

"Your friend has come to visit you."

"I don't want to talk to anyone."

"But, he has come to pass you the class notes."

"Tell her to go back. I won't talk to anyone. Tell her I'm sick or something." I said in an irritated tone.

Mom noticed the irritated tone in my voice, but she was persistent about this. I guess she is really worried about me shutting myself off from everyone. I always do this when I'm not feeling well.

"She? But, it's a boy." She said, and I looked at her in confusion.

"He introduced himself as Sakamaki-kun from your class, and I think it would be really rude to just send him off without even meeting him." My mom suggested it to me.

"Why has he come here!?" I bit the tip of my thumb.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"I don't want to meet him." I said and added "Can you... Ummm...Tell him to piss off?"

"Language, Saki!" She scolded me. I looked away from her.

"Ugh! okay... Just take the notes from him." I told her.

"He suggested this to me, but I declined. You really need to talk with your friend, Honey. I'm worried about you. You didn't even tell me about what happened that day." I could feel the concern in my mother's voice, but I was irritated at that time.

"Mom! I don't have friends."

"Saki, if that boy came to visit you from school just to pass you some notes, or rather he came to check up on you, then I think he is someone you can call your friend."

"I… I know, but… it's just… just tell him to come upstairs." I said because from outside I showed I don't want anyone, but deep inside my heart I wanted someone to talk to. I needed someone to express myself to. And I also have many things I wanted to ask him.

"That's it" She patted my head with a warm smile and went downstairs.

I'm getting nervous to talk to him now.