"Road trip!!!" I yelled, which startled the big old red Smuag, it was once the greatest calamity of the third age, and now I'm using him as a glorified camper van.
I tied my body to one of Smaugs protruding spikes; I lay there on his back. Checking my ropes and the ropes holding some of my stuff down. It was all good.
My view turned into Smaug's view. I started flapping our wings before taking off. I made sure to fly around the elven encampment.
I planned to head to Moria and make Durins Bane one of my commanders; there are tens of thousands of goblins and orcs in Moria, so he can command those. Then, I will take a detour to the Blue Mountains; after that, I will head to Gundabad before heading home.
Myself in Smaugs body flew hard over the Mirkwood, passing closer enough to Dol Gudor, or what was left of it. Now just a pile of ash with a few pillars of stone sticking up through the dust.
I changed the velocity of our flight to be more west. It was the dawn of the next day when we arrived at the East gate of Moria. It was nestled in a crack of the misty mountains. Between Caradharas and Celebidil.
We flew low, I returned to my body. Smaug shook his head and spoke quietly, well quiet for a dragon "I'll never get used to that"
"Wait here, I'll be back." I quickly hopped off and then walked up to the gate. "Mellon" it didn't open. I ran backward before running back toward the door. I kicked it so hard it cracked up the mountainside. The door crumpled inward.
"Yu-hu! Mr. Balrog, daddies back in the house!!!" I yelled and it echoed into the depths of Moria. Smaug lowered his head and peaked his eye over the entrance to Moria.
He spoke in his deep yellowing voice, which rattled the stone, "A Balrog, you say?" I heard orcs scurring in faraway areas of Moria.
"Mind your own business," he backed off, slumping his head against the gravel-like ground outside. I stalled deeper into moria glad I could see in the dark. It's really good for grabbing arrows from stupid goblins.
I stopped about halfway through moria, I started pouring my magic deep into the misty mountains. I heard stirring in the deep. Something was headed towards me.
The Balrog's glow was now In my view; it slowly marched into view. A smile crept onto my face "Kritar Drok, tholl daul!" It was odd to speak old orcish, the grammar was stupid,
So many words meant so many things.
Deer and small are the same word in old orcish.
"Lozon has Ok slept, now Nadgaj," My orcish broke into English; English is just more natural to me. The Balrog looked down on me, I let my essence release. It dominated the balrog.
The Balrog fell, its whip laying around like a limp dick. I gave a message to it, not through words but through might and magic. 'I want you to gather up all orcs and goblins in the lower section of the misty mountains, make sure No one notices you, I shall be back with you in a few days'
I quickly made my way back to the east gate of Moria. Smaug was waiting patiently for me. It was early morning. I roped my body down and transferred my consciousness into Smaug's body.
We flew into the misty of the misty mountains. It would be another few day journey, like a road trip but you aren't relaxing I'm the back watching stuff on your phone, Instead your the car. I couldn't let Smaug take over because he wouldn't have a clue where to go.
Along the way, something caught my attention.
We were miles above the ground, but even still, Smaugs eyes spotted a group of trolls that looked like hill trolls.
Good addition to the army.
We flew lower and lower, three trolls were cooking up some animals, drinking grog. They nearly ran back down into their hole when I approached, but Magic stopped them. I made them kneel. Wood cracked and splinted under Smaug's weights.
I transferred my consciousness back into my humanoid form. I jumped off of Smaug. "Do you speak Westeron?" My words were serious and dark. I pulled out my glistening sword and pointed the tip of it at his vulnerable throat.
"Yes'n we'sa do" it was horrible but good enough, I recognized this place, this was were Gandalf turned the three trolls into stone. In fact.
"What are your names?" I asked another question this time less seriously. "I'm Bert, this be a tom, and that ther'e be's Willam" this confirmed my suspicion.
These were the tree trolls that Gandalf killed, but why were they alive? Only one answer. Gandalf didn't take Thorin and company this way. They must have disbanded once they heard of my domination of the Mountain.
"I want you three to gather up all orcs, goblins, and trolls, wages as well, and make for Moria, there you will find a greater of my commanders" I put my blade back into its scabbard.
"Ye's o'h great one" Bert responded, groveling at my feet. I hoped back on Smaug, making sure to tie myself down before flying off once more. I need to make another detour, this time to Bag end.
After half a night of flying we were in South Farthing. I needed to stop here in order to avoid suspicion. I transformed into a hobbit, with all the regular features no funny things about me.
I summoned bill the pony. Only pony other then Rainbow dash I could think of. It was day break so by the time we made it to Hobbiton, I followed the By water road giving little greetings to the passing Hobbits and Dwarves from the blue mountains who were passing along the East road.
I made it through Bagshot row, Bag end finally came into view. I rode up to the house. It was night fall so if Bilbo was here then he wouldn't be happy at the disturbance