Chapitre 5: A dark night(1)

"What are you going to do now?" Sarah asks after a good while of complete silence.

"I don't know", I acknowledge my helplessness to her. The pain radiating from my cheek is taking all the thinking space, I know I can't go out so maybe resting is the only option, the metal taste still lingering in my mouth.

I am not afraid to be vulnerable to Sarah, she's been with me since her early teenage years, working as my maid. We are not ever suppose to be friends and if the queen ever finds out that we are emotionally close, she will be punished and dismissed from ever working in the palace.

"When you wake up tomorrow, maybe things will be clearer?..." She tries to be hopeful then lowers her voice saying,...."hopefully the queen doesn't make a visit". She's been busy bringing ointments for my face and clothes so that I remove the ones I am wearing, she knows the dislike I have for heavy clothing.

"You know she won't miss an opportunity like this", I tell her knowing very well my mother's arrival will soon be announced.

"I am sorry Erica...." she states taking the ointment with her fingers and gently applying it to my face...."it must be so heartbreaking to endure pain caused by your own mother". I don't add anything to that because different kind of tears are burning the back of my eyes; the emotional tears that makes my heart ache with so much pain.

Sarah has witnessed so many instances like this, and a confused look on her is always present. She fails to understand how the woman who gave birth to a child could be so cruel, causing disconnect, pain and suffering.

Her own mother is the complete opposite of my own, hers is an embodiment of safety and motherhood. Maybe something close to how my stepmother is. Sarah talks of her mother most often with a soft passionate voice that displays the love and the closeness she shares with her, together with her siblings. She makes me so envious of that kind of relationship, the warm hugs and kisses that doesn't really have to signify anything and the meaningless chatter and laughter a child could share with their mother.

The abrupt forceful entry from the door jerks both of our heads towards the door to confirm our suspicions, the queen herself walks in majestically in a hurry, she is still furious and the both of us stands up without delay to show her respect, the speedy act making my feet unsteady and almost sending me down. Sarah creates a good distance between us bowing at the queen and casting her eyes on the floor. I stand just beside the bed staring at my hands that are entwined together at the front.

I wish to tell her to spare me all the drama, that I've had enough of her and that I wish I had a different kind of my mother, someone to share my struggles with, my plans, my happy times, hugs and even jokes. I do not realize that thinking of what we've missed from her made my eyes water, until....

"You really think I will be fooled by your fake tears, Erica....", she shouts coming near to my standing point. Estelle stands a few steps away from her ready to enjoy the show.

If only I could talk back right now. I will tell her that I will never use my tears to gain her sympathy, that the source of my tears is only because of a missed opportunity to share with her a great relationship the kind of relationship the likes of Sarah have. I want to tell her that she is a cruel woman and that motherhood is not in her blood, she should have concentrated on her duties as a queen, she excels in them and leave child bearing to my stepmother.

"...You committed great disrespect towards the king and the best you could give is tears?", she continues, twisting her mouth to show her disgust towards me and my earlier behavior.

"Look at me while I am talking", she commands. Using the back of my hands , I wipe the tears running down my face and look up to the woman towering me, a woman who puts motherhood to shame, a woman whom I wish to tell her that I love her despite everything and that I am still waiting for a day when she will treat me and my siblings better.

The look that meets my eyes is enough to send someone like me to their knees, except for me, the look has become too familiar, I am used to it, she should have been resourceful and only use it in situations like this to achieve the desired effect. Her light blue eyes displays great anger, power and authority. This is one of my judgement days. I must be looking pitiful in her sight; a red, swollen, tear streak face is never a good combination.

"I fail to understand the number of times you need to be reminded to behave like the princess you are", she throws her hands up, like she's had enough. My weak form stays rooted to it's position, my mind fumbling with what I'll tell her. I am certain she'll do something worthy of the effort she used all the way to my room.

"You need to learn that your behavior will never be tolerated by your king or queen". She says it more firmly. "You will learn your place". The last words are said with conviction sending a shiver throughout my body. It's like a warning of something to come, something dangerous.

"Guards", she calls out in a loud voice and two guards enters my room immediately and I know that this was something already planned, otherwise why would the guards be waiting at the door. They are not even her personal guards.

I panic, my moist eyes opening wide, my brain is trying to process what to do and comes up with nothing, I take a step back a little creating some space for myself, I have no idea what they have been instructed to do. I look over at Sarah as if she can stop them, but she is equally panicked. The guards take their positions where Estelle is standing waiting for orders from the queen.

"Take her", she says as a finality.

"This way my lady", one of the guards says without hesitation using his hand to show the way. At least they are descent not to grab me. Looking at my mother one more time I start walking towards the door. I should walk slowly with the hopes that she'll change her mind and tell me to stay and that she forgives me, but I know better, such things never happens with her, she always sticks to her decisions.

"Your shoes, my lady", Sarah calls out when I walk past Estelle, who is rooted in her earlier position, one guard walking on each side beside me. One of the guards turns to take them from her and I turn my head to look at her for the last time, my secret friend, who knows when or if I'll ever see her again, our eyes meet exchanging a silent message that only the two of us understands.