Chapitre 15: Chapter 15- Rika – Missing My Wolf (VOLUME 1)

*~*Rika's POV*~*

I was running high after my date with Andre. I thought that everything was going just fine when I got home. Andre had been really nice and understanding. In a way, he had been perfect. I liked him, I had a great time, it was all good. But then, it all turned sour.

When I woke up on Saturday, I started to feel lonely, empty, and like there was something missing. I knew what it was. I knew that it was my wolf. I knew that the reason that I felt so empty was because she was slowly pulling away from me. And there was nothing that I could do about it.

I tried to ignore it. It wasn't like I was able to do anything about it anyway. And there was nothing that anyone else was able to do either. I was stuck, and that was my life. Eventually, when my wolf decided to return to me, things would get better. Until then though, I had to just continue to wait.

Try as hard as I might, I just couldn't stop myself from wallowing throughout the morning. I had been doing it a lot lately, at very random times. In truth, I felt like it might have been my wolf's emotions more than my own. There might be something that she was going through that was causing all of these feelings.

I watched a movie in my living room, alone, and that didn't help. I ordered comfort food for lunch, and that didn't help. Nothing was working to satiate the blackhole of emotions that I was feeling.

Early in the afternoon, I thought that I would try something. It was worth a shot if I ever wanted to feel that connection to my wolf again. And if it worked, then it would probably fix everything that was going wrong with me. I might be able to be truly happy again, and not just pretending most of the time.

I knew that it was possible to talk to your wolf. My mom had done it, so I knew that there was a way. I didn't know how to make it happen, but there had to be something that I could do to facilitate this connection between us.

At first, I just sat there in the living room of my new home. I had cleared away most of the furniture, just in case my wolf came out and was angry. I didn't want anything to be destroyed so quickly. It was brand new after all.

Once the living room was cleared, I sat there in the middle of the room, almost as if I was in a meditation position. What I was about to do was going to work a lot like meditation, so that description wasn't far off. I was in a sort of Sukhasana pose with my hands facing outward from my knees. It wasn't hard to be in this position, and I thought that if I needed to be here for a while, this would be the best one for me to choose.

I tried first to clear my mind, to empty it of all thoughts that didn't matter at the moment. I needed to concentrate after all, and frivolous thoughts would only get in the way. After that, I tried to reach out, mentally, for my wolf. I needed to get in touch with her spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and possibly even physically.

With my mind blank of all thoughts other than my wolf, I called out to her. I didn't know my wolf's name. Most people never do. I think that is because most of the wolves don't have actual names. They aren't separate entities or anything like that. They were an extension of us, another part of who we were, and that meant that my wolf was just another part of me, my own soul, my own feelings, my own insecurities.

I called for her again and again, but she didn't answer me. I tried to make that mental connection, but she was further away from me than she had ever been before.

"Come on, wolf. Please, answer me. Respond to me. I can hardly sense you anymore." I was pleading with her in the empty living room, no one around to hear my voice except for me.

When calling out to her didn't work, I decided to try the next part of this process. I would shift into my wolf. I would make that physical connection between us and then I would reach out for her again. I used to be able to feel her, sitting in the back of my mind. I used to be able to sense her, but it was getting harder and harder these days. A good shift would likely do me some good.

I visualized my wolf. That pure white fur that would shine and glisten like freshly fallen snow. My honey golden eyes that would shine and burn like there was a flame dancing behind them. The smooth sleek outlines of the beast that was me. I imagined the way that my muscles would feel while I was coiled in the position that I was sitting in. How powerful I would feel. How great it was to be in my wolf form.

As I visualized, I willed myself to shift into that form. I felt the magic that was inside of me, the one that initiated the shift, start to spread through me. It started in at the top of my head and spread all the way down to the tips of my toes. It was a quick process, but my mind was moving faster than the magic, so it made it feel like it was moving in slow-motion.

When I opened my eyes, I expected things to be in a slightly different perspective. I expected to be sitting at a different height and at a different position. I expect to see the white fur fringing the peripheral of my vision. I expected a lot of things, but they didn't happen.

"What the hell?!" I exclaimed vehemently to no one in particular. "Why am I still in my human form?"

The shift should have been completed. I should be in my wolf form. It should all be done and over with. But it wasn't. I was still human. And my wolf now felt further away than it had in a long time.

"Please wolf, don't do this to me." I practically sobbed as I begged her to come back to me. "Don't do this to me." The ache in my chest was getting worse, so much so that I wasn't able to breathe past the lump that it had formed at the base of my throat. "Please."

I willed the change to happen again, but to no avail. I did it again, and again, and again. And each and every time it didn't work. I was not able to get into my wolf form. I couldn't feel my wolf. I couldn't hear her. I couldn't smell her. All of it was gone, and that scared me.

"Why?" I sobbed, tears streaming unhindered down my cheeks. "Why? Why did you leave me?" I was almost screaming the words, but there was no response. "Why!?"

I don't know when I had fallen asleep, but I woke up some time later, when the sun was already going down. Somehow, I had fallen to the side and curled into the fetal position. I was sure that it had happened while I was begging my wolf to come back, or while I was asking her why she left me. She never did answer me though. I could tell even now that she wasn't there. She was gone, possibly forever.

What would happen to me if I didn't find my wolf? What would I do if I wasn't able to shift again? Would I still be considered a werewolf? Was I going to lose my magic next? Would I cease to be a witch and a Fae as well? Was I becoming human?

I don't know if I would be able to face my family again if I lost everything that made me who I was. If I wasn't a supernatural, then who and what was I? My entire existence was contingent on the fact that I was Rika Gray, daughter of Trinity and Reece, Princess of my people, and powerful with magic and beast alike. Now what was I? What would become of me in the future?

Could this be why I had not found my mate yet? Could I be a human, not destined to have a mate at all? I didn't know how to be a human, not fully. I could blend in with them, but even that had become a moot point. Now I was worried about if I could blend in with the super naturals when I ceased to be one.

"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me." I said as I pulled my knees into my chest, my back against the wall and curled forward so that I was hugging myself into a ball. In this position already, I saw no reason not to self soothe, and that was why I ended up rocking myself back and forth in an attempt to calm my heart, my mind, and my soul.

"What am I? Who am I?" The words were coming again and again, I wasn't able to stop them. It had become like a mantra, something that I was asking myself in an attempt to understand myself and the world around me. "What am I? Who am I?"

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