Chapitre 122: Chapter 122 - Is this limerence?
It was already evening when Erdeni rode into her tribe's encampment. A dozen yurts and twice as many tents in an open field, Horqin tribe's numbers have dwindled tenfold in the past ten years.
When she unsaddled, her stepbrother was already there.
"Hey sis. Glad you're alright, you had me worried over here! I made a radish hare stew, come sit with me in the yurt."
Erdeni felt weird about her sibling. It was her who forced him to stay at home, avoiding riding out and endangering himself, but she also resented him for not rebelling against that. Still, today she was too hungry to worry about that, and gladly joined him in his humble yurt, which he shared with his aunt and grandfather, who currently rode out.
"Appreciate it, Horhu. It looks tasty, you've got a knack for it," she said while grabbing a serving, then started gorging on juicy tender meat, not minding her manners at all.
"I changed the recipe a bit, tried to add more acidity into the stew. It's too bland otherwise, and I don't care what the elders say, it's tastier this way! You look beaten, please tell me what happened. Did he hurt you?"
"No, not at all. But got scared half to death, he is terrifying. Very… Bestial. He even took my food away, can you imagine?"
"Ugh." Horhu was annoyed, someone dishonoured his sister and he could do nothing about it. "Think we should assemble a party to kill him?"
"Of course not! Brother, it may sound stupid, but I don't think that he's evil, he's just struggling with his totem... We talked. There is depth to him, character. A hint of integrity, a boundless well of emotions and a very strong martial spirit." She omitted that she was the only person talking, while Xin mostly roared and groaned. "He is a cultivator, our riders are fodder for him, so abandon this stupid idea. We have to focus on recruiting him. And whatever is wrong with him, I think I can fix it."
"Oh." It was a very surprising characteristic, coming from his sister, who demeaned many suitors in the past few years. Seeing her praise a man was quite unusual, and Horhu was filled with jealousy. "What did he say to impress you so much? Wait, didn't he also rob you? I don't get it."
"He didn't say anything, in fact he didn't speak at all. He isn't allowed to, as he is under the vow of silence. I assume it's his totem taming method. Doesn't mean we couldn't talk. He is an angsty guy, younger than me, older than you, he'll warm up to me. And to us all, given time."
"This must be some sort of joke." Horhu was astonished. "That crazy plant demon woman is extorting us for little scraps we have, we can't migrate away, pressed into the imperial territories, with a massive hostile horde gathering behind us. Inside the tribe, there are talks of bending the knee to Clay Folk or merging with some other tribe, and your solution is 'fixing' some crazy guy who lost control of his totem? Is my summary precise, sister?"
"Regained control of his totem. He belongs to an elemental bloodline, and that allows him to cultivate xiandao, increasing his soul foundation. I need to figure this situation out, the spirits led me towards him! If someone from Clay Folk managed to become a totemic cultivator on their own, they've got quite a foundation behind them. This is rare. It's not your decision to make, brother, and it's not like you are offering any alternatives."
"Oh, not my decision to make? What decisions have I made? I am fifteen, aren't I supposed to be riding with the men already? Yet you and everyone else keep me home, making me 'study'. What a pathetic excuse to keep me occupied, you know full well no one is teaching me anything useful. You are all threatened by me, by what I can become!
Alternatives? How about that? I start riding with the men and get initiated, then claim my place as a tribe inheritor. We bend the knee to the Qisheyyu, side with them in the Banner Conquest and use our legitimacy to absorb the deserter clans! Being among the strongest tribes in the steppe, isn't it what father would have wanted? Isn't it the right thing to do?"
Erdeni sighed. She understood how bad her brother felt, but she also knew how dangerous that idea was. And most people who supported it left the tribe years ago, the momentum was long gone now.
"Side with that scoundrel rapist? Absorb the deserter clans? With our banner still gone, missing our Mare spirit? Our legitimacy is disputed by everyone in the Yellow Sea, your idea is a suicide. Be realistic."
"Legitimacy? A brother and a sister of the assassinated clan leader is already a prestigious force, but you know how to make it even stronger? Making us husband and wife."
Erdeni felt like her belly was being sucked in. He didn't drop this stupid idea? It's been years since he last mentioned it.
"Stop. The grandma's judgement was clear, despite having different mothers, there was too much inbreeding between our clans. This marriage isn't allowed, the traditions forbid it. No spirit would bless our children. And I personally find this idea repulsive, you are my brother, after all." She minted every word like a new coin with a stern voice, to make sure that he gets her.
When Erdeni and Horhu were still young, she enjoyed being a bossy older sister, protecting her brother and showering him in affection. She found it cute when he said "I'll marry you when we're older, I love you so much!", but as he grew into a man, this became unnerving.
It was nice when the tradition was on your side, at least.
"Traditions?" It felt like it was the last sentence he heard, and the phrase about her finding this whole ordeal disgusting didn't register. "Every tribe member should have a horse, even a newborn kid, such is the will of our ancestors. Half the non-warriors walk on foot now, should we disband the tribe now? Our banner is gone, are we spending every living breath trying to take it back, as per tradition? No, so should we disband the tribe, I am asking you?"
Erdeni saw a grain of truth in what Horhu was saying, but he also looked like he was about to cry, further discrediting his words. She sighed.
"One day at a time. We should avoid trouble and stay alert for the opportunities to come. If I can pacify the beast and use it to our advantage, I will. If you're so eager to fight and marry, you should train. Have you trained today?" She asked with a stern look.
"No, I was busy with food! And I was too worried about you to focus on stuff like training. What if we had to go and save you, and I am tired?"
"By the gods, then stop making excuses and go train! This is pathetic."
"Yes, sister." Embarrassed, Horhu picked up his glaive and left.
Erdeni finished eating, then went back to her tent to have a nap. She closed her eyes, and thought about this day again.
Brother is unbearable. He is a bratty child, demanding status but not willing to earn it. And as much as Erdeni disdained him for his attitude, she knew it was also her failure to raise him properly. He is a good boy, but it's hard to make him into a man without proper guidance, raised mostly by women. And his… manly urges are becoming uncontrollable, eating him up from inside.
Now, when it comes to Xin… Erdeni had mixed feelings about him. He was a savage who almost killed her, and she suspected there was a risk of being raped, too. But he valiantly resisted the totem when it forced him to attack her, looked like he was listening to what she had to say, and was slowly warming up to her.
It was a nice feeling, seeing a grumpy guy like him slowly open up, made a girl feel better about her charms. It's a feeling one gets when they get a stray cat to trust them and let itself be fed from one's hands, the delight you feel is immeasurable.
And… He was kind of attractive? Long silky black hair, bright green eyes, manly features — in her book, Xin wasn't exactly a looker, but looked very intriguing nonetheless. And his body is muscular, covered in so many scars — quite imposing, compared to her scrawny brother. His buttocks are especially nice!
Erdeny realised that she was getting aroused, breathing faster and squirming on her bedroll at times, so she grabbed a serving of wine to distract herself and hopefully knock her into sleep. Need to talk to grandma tomorrow.
***
It's been three days. Xin roamed the forest as its master, his leather clothing now grown in size and quality, covering his private and most other parts of his body. He collected all the rare herbs in the area, and ventured into the steppe every day to scout, but he struggled with focusing.
Thoughts wandering again. Daydreaming. Once the novelty of this life wore off, and once he figured out how to survive reliably, Xin freed up a lot of time, and thus had more room to self-reflect. And once it happened, all the feelings bottled up started soaring towards the surface.
The war, all the people he slaughtered, every time his life hung on a thin thread — each of these memories gnawed at him, no matter what he did. His mind drifted during mundane tasks, and he took long breaks just to daydream or sit around doing nothing. And there was this other issue…
The girl, Erdeni. Xin thought about her a lot, and his feelings towards her were quite ambivalent. By the end of day two, it was hard to deny that he was getting infatuated with her. Still, he doubted himself. He wondered if it was just his loneliness speaking, his social isolation, or if his feelings were genuine. Over the past several months, he felt some limerence towards several girls, like Jia Li, lady Meiling, even Ling Yue, and, in a way, Wu Xiaoyun. Still, it was hard to call it love.
It was akin to catching a cold, a weird malady that made one daydream, sleep all the time, unable to do anything productive, lose their appetite and live in perpetual anxiety that could only be calmed down by pleasant daydreaming, which Xin resented doing, but did anyway. How can something like that be called love, Xin thought?
Xin reflected on his encounter with the girl again. He admired how brave and confident she was, even at the face of his monstrous behaviour. And, even if she wouldn't normally be his "type", being a classic "refined" beauty, emanating a cold, stern and elegant aura, while Xin preferred girls who were more "cute" and expressive, she was beautiful nonetheless.
You are weird when you think of girls' looks, kid. It's like you are looking for a way to "disqualify" them, instead of actually appreciating their beauty.
Oh, totem, couldn't restrain yourself from making a snarky comment? Thought we are no longer talking, aren't we?
No response. Still, Xin reflected on the totem's words. Indeed, he was certainly more critical of the girls' looks, and women who many other people considered attractive, like Yao Nang or Wu Xiaoyun, didn't particularly move him. He rarely called a woman beautiful, and felt like he should only be pursuing a woman if she fit a very narrow list of criteria. But why?
Perfectionism? Striving for the best? My enhanced perception making me see every little imperfection that the girls have? Having a refined taste, compared to other simpletons?
Or is it something deeper? A fear of breaking down if I get too close to someone? Of being rejected and facing that pain? Maybe I'm not just setting impossible standards — I'm creating excuses to keep people at a distance, to lose before I ever have a chance to be hurt. And girls like Ling Yue and Erdeni, with clear reasons for us to not be together, are the only people I allow myself to be attracted to?
The number of times Xin thought about this was approaching triple digits, and only now had Xin managed to reach this conclusion. It hurt how painfully true it sounded. So, I've just been hurt and rejected in the past, and made up this weird ritual to defend myself? That's it?
Xin considered himself a complex and smart person, but this explanation portrayed him in a rather pitiful light. Still, even if one assumed this explanation was true, what should they do? Xin sighed.
This girl, she's in my thoughts. The limerence is unbearable, but mayhaps the tiger totem is right? Should I just seduce her and claim her as mine? It certainly looks like she accepts me at my lowest, if I up my game, it shouldn't be a problem.
Unless she rejects me? Oh, there it is! Xin chased this thought away. He knew that if he let it linger, it would craft a spook to sabotage him. Still… She is certainly pursuing her own interests, wouldn't it be stupid to be seduced by her? She'll drag me into some plot, try and curry favours using her body as currency. Shouldn't I just ignore this stuff for now, and focus on women once I return? With my income and status, I am no longer a nobody, finding a woman shouldn't be a problem.
These thoughts were very rational, but they had no appeal to him. On the other hand, holding Erdeni, kissing her, owning her — these fantasies were quite intoxicating. He was afraid that she wouldn't come back, scared by his brutish attitude and him robbing her, but something inside him told him she would.
At least wondering if she'll come back is a nice distraction and a way to pass time, there is nothing to do here, and the totem is growing at what feels like a turtle pace!
État de l’alimentation hebdomadaire
-- Classement
Power Stone 
-- Power
stone