I went into my room, crawled into my bed and snuggled under the blanket.
I don't like it here. I can't do anything, there's no phones or internet.. only that state flip phone for phone calls and those are monitored by staff. There are twelve of us, but only two bathrooms.
And if I don't want to wake up? Then what?
I only have my iPod classic with me.. I sigh in desolation.
***
I'm sitting in the common room in a green chair, watching as the rest of the girls walk down the hall into the common area after school. The scene reminds of gangsters strolling the block, everyone else walks in, sits down and ignores me. There are no words spoken - just eyes looking me up and down and assessing me, the new 'prey'.
They all looked at me with a mix of curiosity and judgment. I could feel thei calculating judgement, making me feel uncomfortable and out of place. The room was brightly lit, and the air was stale and heavy. It was clear that the tension was tangible.
At this point I just tried to make myself as small as possible. The other girls whispered to each other, silent words attacking me. I felt like an outsider, rejected by these girls who had been living together for a while. The stifling feeling of rejection was overwhelming, and I wondered if I would even fit in here.
***
As the days passed, I just tried to adjust to my new life in the residential. The other girls continued to keep their distance from me. I seemed to find yourself feeling more and more isolated, spending most of my time in my bed, trying to stay away from this strangle clique of people
But the silence haunted me. I was so lonely, and I just don't even know how to approach people.
One day I decided to take a chance and try to make a friend. I approached one of the girls who had been particularly friendly to me, and struck up a conversation. To my surprise, she didn't reject me outright. She introduced herself as Nancy, and we started to bond while walking around the gym area.
Nancy is a petite girl with long, dark hair and hazel eyes. She has a kind face, but right now she looks scared and uncertain.
As I continued to talk with Nancy, I found that she was actually a really nice person. She was patient and understanding, and didn't seem to hate the idea of talking to me.
Nancy shared her own story with me, and I realized that we had more in common than I thought. I finally felt a sense of connection with someone that I hadn't felt with anyone else in this place.
As I continued to walk and talk with Nancy, I noticed a girl watching me. She was plus size, round and fluffy. Her skin was the color of rust, glasses adorned her face. She was Nancy's girlfriend - Alex.
Alex was possessive and jealous, and didn't like the fact that Nancy was spending time with me. Her and her clique were following behind us, jittering at me as if mocking me.
***
In the hallway:
Alex grabbed me by the arm, her grip tight and painful.
Alex: "Listen to me, you little freak. Nancy is mine, and I don't know what your chats are about, but you are smiling too much. You need to leave her alone, or else. I'll make your life a living hell if you don't."
I tried to pull away from Alex, but she held on tightly. Her eyes were wild with anger, and I could see that she was serious about her threats.
Alex: "You think you can just come in here and giggle with my bitch? You're nothing but a pathetic nobody. Stay away from her, or I'll make sure you regret it."
Nerves tense, I stood my ground. I didn't want to let Alex bully me into submission.
I've had enough of that.
"I'm not trying to steal Nancy away from you. We're just friends. You need to calm down and stop being so possessive."
With those words, Alex hit me.
***
The fight escalated quickly, Alex and I were rolling around on the floor, grappling with each other. Fists were flying, and the staff came and intervened. My sweater was caught in the middle, and as soon as staff ripped me away from Alex, it ripped at the seams. My nose was dripping blood, the metallic taste tickling my lips.
This means I've lost.
The other girls in the group home gathered around, watching the fight with a mix of fascination and horror.
After the staff intervened, they separated Alex and I. We were both struggling and shouting at each other, but the staff's grip was firm. They dragged me to the wall, placing me in restraint with my hands behind my back and knees in between my legs.
Alex was taken away as well, but they let her go after they saw the extent of my injuries.
I was escorted to the nurses facility. It was silent, I felt abandoned. I was alone in the room, feeling humiliated and angry. My sweater was ruined, my nose is bloody and I'm ashamed.
I sat alone in the room, my mind racing with anger and frustration. I couldn't believe that I had let Alex get the better of me. I had always been the one to be bullied, and to stay calm and take it. But today, I had lost control. I actually said something back.
I looked down at my torn sweater, feeling a pang of sadness. It was one of my favorite sweaters, and now it was ruined. I felt like a fool, sitting here alone and defeated.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. But the anger continued to bubble up inside me, threatening to overwhelm me at any moment.
Time passed, and eventually my nose was treated. I took an advil and an ice pack, lying in my bed - in embarrassment
***
***
As I lay in bed, I could roughly hear two girls talking outside the door. I recognized their voices as Nicki and Sandra, two of the girls who had been watching the fight earlier.
Nicki: "Did you see that fight? That was crazy."
Sandra: "I know, right? I can't believe Alex did that."
Nicki: "Yeah, but she was really pissed off. That new girl must have really gotten under her skin."
Sandra: "I don't know, I think Alex was just being over possessive of Nancy. She doesn't want anyone else getting close to her."
Nicki: "Well, I think that new girl is trouble. She's already causing drama and she's only been here for a few days."
Sandra laughed.
Sandra: "Yeah, I heard she's a real piece of work. I heard she's got a history of getting into trouble with the law."
Nicki: "Don't we all? I'm not surprised though - Look at her, she's got that whole 'princess' vibe going on. She probably thinks she's better than everyone else."
Sandra: "she looks spoiled and sensitive"
I clenched my fists, the sheets rustling with my anger. These girls are just talking about me like that.
I wanted to storm out of the room and confront them, but I knew that… I don't have the balls for that.
So I just laid there, listening to them talk, feeling more and more isolated and alone. I wished that my grandpa would come and pick me up, but i knew that wasn't going to happen.
He can't save me anymore.
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