Chapitre 15: Little Ox (TW: Suicide Mention
—XINGHUA'S POV—
Ísar had locked himself in his room for the rest of the day after his time in the study.
Xing had known that his kitten-like friend hadn't fully recovered to start working again but it wasn't like the stubborn boy was going to listen.
It hurt a lot when Ísar had told him not to visit that day, considering the prince was leaving in three days as he couldn't extend his visit any further. Even the other envoys had mostly departed, save for his Qi teacher, Monk Xiang Zhou, whom Xing had been using to control his emotions.
"If he'd just tell me what's wrong-," Xinghua spoke as he used a qi technique called Flames of the Sun to kick down the monk's defense, "Then I could maybe help him but instead he'd rather lock himself in his big room in the dark and be sad? What kind of fucking—"
"Language, your highness," the monk said as he grabbed Xinghua's leg and absorbed the flames from his kick before throwing him overhead. Xinghua flipped in the air and landed on his feet.
"He's just so annoying! And, and ugh! All I did was bring him the lunch he missed and he glared at me! What did I do? Why's he mad at me?" Xinghua started before sitting on the training grounds' floor with crossed legs.
He wanted to ruffle his long hair out of frustration but didn't because Ísar had braided it during brunch.
He remembered trying not to laugh because the young king had looked so focused with the task.
The young prince sighed heavily before laying down flat to look up to the darkening sky, not sure what to do.
He kept replaying the events from the festival in his head, not fully sure if what he saw was real or if he'd gotten a concussion from the surprise attack.
And it was a surprise because if it was anything else, Xinghua could've just imagined the unrelenting teasing he would've been getting from his siblings when he returned home.
He was also thinking of his talk with Osayi before the other prince departed, annoyed at the way both of his friends seemed to enjoy keeping things from him. It was like he was always being left out of the loop.
Then there was when Ísar woke up and that was the main thing on his mind. Not the dark, moving shadows, Osayi's secrets or why he told Xinghua to lie about the night, or even the fact that he was once again losing to the annoying monk.
It was the way Ísar looked so scared when he woke up, the hint of panic when he'd realized how long he was asleep for and unable to do his kingly duties as well as the sadness that flashed in his brown eyes at the news that Osayi had left.
How Xinghua had ever assumed the boy king was going to be like his disrespectful father was beyond the prince.
"Your highness, from what I am told, your task was to befriend the new king," the monk said he moved to stand beside his emotional student with that all-knowing smile on his face. "Friendships between nobility are nothing but diplomatic in nature so your task has been completed."
Xinghua sat up and glared up at his cryptic teacher, lips pouting slightly out of frustration with the roundabout way the man spoke.
"Get to the point." That biting remark earned him a thump to his head.
"Don't be rude to your teacher," the monk said, still smiling. "My point is why did you request a longer stay? Why are you this frustrated by the King dismissing you? This task was merely the Emperor forcing you to aid your oldest brother's ascension since you are the closest in age to the new king, and nothing more. Why are we still here? Even that little Southern Prince has returned to his Empire."
Xinghua hated the appendage-less man more than anyone in the world. He was well-respected in court and seen as a benevolent and wise Qi-master as well as kind and soft-spoken. Xinghua knew him as a sadistic snake with a sharp tongue.
"You know me, monk. I'm not made for fake niceties. If I make a friend, I make a friend, not a political ally. And currently, my friend's alone in this silly little castle and going through something. Of course I'm staying. And do not talk about Osayi like that. Unlike both of us, he is to be Emperor one day."
The monk's smile softens and for some reason, that unsettles Xinghua more than the fake ones.
"You might be nothing but a small ball of violence but I truly do admire that heart of yours. Though I had thought that you would've been a little more honest and simply admit to your little crush on the King."
Xinghua sprang back up and used air qi to slash at the air next to the monk, his usually controlled temper flaring as his cheeks burned. The monk simply stepped back, laughing lightly.
Osayi making jokes was fine but he was not about to take teasing from the old bald-headed man with a bullying kink.
"I do not!" He hated how much it sounded like he was whining when he'd said that. It didn't help that he was lying.
"You amuse me greatly, my little star of a nephew," the monk said as he laughed, easily dodging Xinghua's air attacks.
Xinghua paused at the stupid nickname, going back down to sit in the floor cross-legged. He couldn't do anything whenever his uncle, the monk, called him that.
"Give him time, little star." Monk Xuanzhou was back by Xinghua's side, a gentle hand placed on top of the young boy's head. "You're always too eager to fix everything quickly. Some people need space. Visit him later and try going at his pace. Dripping water can penetrate the stone."*
Xinghua stared up at the monk with furrowed eyebrows before finally saying, "I don't get it."
The monk sighed heavily before flicking the Imperila Son's forehead.
"For someone so smart and with such smart friends, you can be quite dumb…your highness."
——————
"You have got to learn how to use the door. And how do the guards never catch you?"
Xinghua grinned down at Ísar from his seat on the balcony's railings, feeling quite proud of himself. He could've taken his uncle's advice from earlier and waited, but his random nightly visits seemed to work best for him.
"I'm just that skilled. Besides," Xinghua hopped off the railings to stand in front of Ísar, "I only didn't use the door this time because you sent me away before."
He didn't say that to make Ísar look as guilty as the little king did in that moment but that's what happened.
Ísar's eyebrows furrowed and his pouty lips became more pronounced before he looked down at his feet. "I'm sorry. There was a lot on my mind."
Xinghua immediately felt guilty himself. Words weren't his thing, it was more Osayi's territory. Xinghua was more action oriented, like his uncle had implied. His sword did his peace-keeping for him and his hugs showed how much he cared.
But for Ísar, he wanted to try at the very least.
"What's wrong, little ox?" Xinghua asked softly as he brought both of them back into the King's room, closing the balcony's door behind him.
Ísar stopped them and turned to the older boy, tired angry eyes looking up at Xinghua. "I'm not a fan of that nickname. It feels like you're calling me a cow."
Xinghua smiled down at the king, his arms folded. "It's the year you were born in. Blame your parents and don't change the topic."
Ísar huffed in response as he sat on his bed, his feet dangling in the air.
He's so small. Was I this small at twelve? Surely not, Xinghua thought as he sat beside the king.
They sat there in silence for what felt like a while, Ísar sometimes flinching randomly as he stared at a dark corner inside the barely lit room. The moon and outside lights were their light sources and Xinghua used that short moment to stare at the younger boy and was once again stunned by how unnaturally pretty he was.
He liked the way the moonlight made his curly brown hair have a silvery glow to it, almost like a halo. He liked how his eyes had those small eyebags under them, adding some mystery to the smaller boy. He liked the way Ísar sometimes played with the bottom of his lip when he was deep in thought. He especially liked noticing the small dimple on his left cheek whenever the usually expressionless king graced him with a smile.
He couldn't help but find Ísar so pretty, even though it made him unusually self-conscious.
Xinghua wasn't exactly a beautiful child to many. He was a rather big baby when he was born and grew to become an intimidating child.
His neutral expression gave people the impression he was either angry or bored, not to mention that even with the baby fat it was obvious he was going to end up having more sharp features than the more preferred softer and prettier nobleman.
He never really cared about it but around Ísar, he began wondering if the other boy would've thought the same way. If he'd also thought that Xinghua was an ugly child.
"Tell me what's wrong, Ísar," Xinghua asked again, voice softer, as he forced himself out of his head and stepped closer to the king.
Ísar glanced at him before looking back at his lap. Then the king suddenly sat up straight and with a deep breath, stared up at Xinghua with those tired brown eyes.
"I think there's something wrong with me," Ísar whispered, like he was trying to not hear his own words.
Xinghua sat on the bed and had the king turn to him, waiting for the younger boy to continue.
"I…I don't think the knight was an illusion. At least not the kind we know of. Illusions don't make physical attacks."
Xinghua used all the military training he had to not react openly, scared to be caught in a lie by Ísar.
"What do you mean?"
"I think…I think I was controlling it," Ísar said before he jumped off the bed and started pacing.
"I remember it kneeling in front of me, like a knight to their master. And…Xinghua I'm going to tell you something I have never told a soul. I swear to you and the great Mother that I am not crazy and you must believe me."
Ísar had gotten closer to the prince and held the older boy's hands, pleading.
I feel like I'd believe you if you said I could hold the heavens, Ísar.
"Alright. What is it?"
The king took another deep breath and began to speak, his voice incredibly quiet.
"I can hear these…these voices. I have been able to hear them for as long as I could remember. They're sometimes whispers but at times, they can be clear and loud. They're the reason I get so many headaches."
Xinghua paid attention to each word that Ísar said, stunned with each and every one but refused to show it. He didn't need to make the younger boy more anxious.
Ísar, still holding Xinghua's hands and even absentmindedly playing with the prince's fingers, continued. "I recently found out that they could be voices from the dead. The Ghost Prince can talk to ghosts! And that knight had been my sister! My very dead sister! Can you believe it? I don't know why this is happening to me and I'm trying so hard to keep everything under control but…but…"
Ísar hung his head down and his shoulders began shaking quietly. He was crying.
Xinghua had never seen him cry. Not once. Not during the funeral, not when he was so clearly overwhelmed during his coronation and not even after the traumatic event at the festival.
"Xing, I don't know what to do. I'm…I'm genuinely terrified and I've been trying to hold it all in. I don't know what else to do." Ísar let go of Xinghua's hands to wipe his face as the tears seemed to not stop. He began breathing heavily as his cries got more intense.
Xinghua wanted to hold him. He wanted to hug him and protect him. He always thought that Ísar had been oddly strong throughout the past two months, not a word of complaint despite how fast his life had changed.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," the king said through his tears, his voice shaking. "I'm sorry. This is probably not what a king should be doing. Fuck, I don't even know what a king should be doing! I based all my ideas off fucking stories! I wasn't supposed to be here! I wasn't supposed to be here in any way! I'm so sorry."
Xinghua hugged Ísar then, unable to stop himself anymore. His chest ached when the other boy curled up into his embrace and continued to sob, soaking the prince's night shirt.
"I'm sorry," Ísar muttered through his body-shaking and Xinghua merely held him close and caressed his head.
"Stop apologizing, little ox. You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing at all. We never asked for this. You didn't ask for this," Xinghua said softly as he placed his chin on top of Ísar's head, similar to how he'd treat his younger siblings after they had nightmares.
"I…I can't…I can't stop…crying," he said as he sobbed harder and took a fistful of Xinghua's night shirt. The younger boy had never looked as small as he did then. "I…I want…I want my big sister. I don't…I don't want you to leave. I don't have anyone…I don't have anyone else."
The pain in the young prince's chest intensified and even he started to feel like crying.
"Ssh. Breathe, please breathe," Xinghua softly begged when the little king began to gasp for air. "It's okay. It's going to be okay, little ox." It was all he could say because he didn't know what to do either.
Ísar whimpered through his softening cries and Xinghua used his free hand to rub the king's back, hoping to help calm him down more.
"Just why do I exist?" Ísar muttered in a scratchy voice and those words scared Xinghua.
He'd heard his older sister say things like that in the past and she'd always said it in a joking manner. He simply could never forget seeing her hanging form in the middle of her room a month after.
The thought brought a new fear into Xinghua's heart as he made Ísar look up at him, the younger boy's puffy and tear filled eyes now looking up at him.
"You exist because the world wanted you to. Why else would you be here? Don't ever ask that question again, Ísar."
Ísar sniffed loudly, the usual haunting grace he always carried all but gone. He looked like any other child in that moment.
Then he nodded, tears still falling but the sobbing all but ceased. The younger boy curled up on Xinghua's lap with closed eyes, like the kitten the prince was sure he had been in a previous life.
"I'm sorry for ruining your shirt," Ísar mumbled into said shirt, his tears still present. "I'm not sure what is happening to me right now."
Xinghua laughed softly. "It's just a shirt. Are you tired?"
He thought it would've been better for them to talk about what Ísar had said later in the morning. The little king was in no capacity for a too serious conversation after he'd let the dam loose.
Ísar nodded and continued to rest on Xinghua.
"Should I leave you to rest?"
Ísar shook his head and wrapped his arms around Xinghua. "Stay. I don't know why but…I feel better when you're…around."
Xinghua could feel his cheeks get warmer after hearing that sentence, unable to help the way his stomach flipped at those words.
The prince swiftly lifted Ísar and placed him on the middle of the large, soft bed. He laid beside the younger boy, waiting for him to sleep so that Xinghua could go back to his own room.
He didn't expect Ísar to immediately cuddle towards him as soon as Xinghua had let go, almost like he was scared to lose a little contact. It wasn't like the prince didn't like it but it did worry him a little at how Ísar was going to be without either him or Osayi.
"Can I talk about my sister?"
"Of course." He did not even question the random topic for a second. He was only glad Ísar had stopped crying.
"Thank you," Ísar said as he went back playing with Xinghua's fingers as he spoke in a now scratchy voice. "She'd always had a problem with her mind. For as long as I could remember, her days were filled with hallucinations and terrors. And father…He wasn't a good man, as you're aware. He needed to solidify him being king over his older brother. She was powerful. The most powerful magic sword master the royal family had ever seen. Her ability to control each element was unparalleled even as a child and there were the sea monsters on our shores. So what else would he have used his powerful ten-year-old for? "
Xinghua turned to his left side to have a better look at Ísar's face as he spoke, both of them now staring at each other.
Ísar seemed surprised by the action and appeared to find it difficult to look Xinghua in the eyes.
"Uhm," he cleared his throat. "A-anyway, uhm yes uh."
Xinghua couldn't help but smile and Ísar seemed to have given up on maintaining eye contact, opting for lying on his back and looking up the canopy to continue.
"So she…She'd have these moments where she came back. Her sanity would be stable in those moments even though they were short. She'd always looked after me, you see. I was a child to be seen and not heard and she was a weapon to be hidden when not in use. We…understood each other, in a way."
Ísar's sad smile and his every action was doing things to Xinghua's heart.
"I was the one to kill her," the young king said in a small voice. "I knew she was going to do something that night, you see. I'd seen how she'd been acting after that last monster subjugation. Something finally snapped and she…she wasn't my sister. Then she hesitated with me in that banquet. For a split second, she recognized me."
Ísar turned to look at Xinghua again, teary eyes and that sad smile on his face.
"Even when she had fully broken, she remembered me. She was the only grown up in my life that cared about me and I had to kill her. And even now, this odd power inside me won't let her rest. I'm making her fight again. Xinghua, I killed her twice. I killed my big sister."
Ísar laughed softly as he looked back up at the canopy while wiping his eyes. "Mother above why am I talking so much? I can't be acting like this."
"Ísar."
The young king turned to look at Xinghua who was not fully sure of what he was going to say was the right thing but he felt like he needed to.
"I'm sorry this happened to you. I really am."
Ísar merely smiled wider, a broken laugh escaping his lips. "I think you're the first person to genuinely tell me that. I don't know why you're so kind to me, you and Osayi, but thank you."
Because I think I love you, Xinghua thought but pursed his lips to keep from saying it out loud.
He was a child himself and wasn't sure if he even knew what love was but from what he knew, it was exactly what he was feeling.
"I really wish I could stay." The prince was unable to keep those words in, glad he'd said it when Ísar smiled even brighter.
"Oh how I wish that as well. I have half the mind to give the throne to my uncle and move to your kingdom."
"Not Osayi?" Xinghua joked though was relieved that it wasn't his best friend. He couldn't shake the small twinge of envy he'd felt when the other prince so easily made Ísar laugh.
"Oh Mother, no! I cannot handle that kind of heat." They both laughed before falling into a comfortable silence.
"I would like it if you moved to our land. I would show you my favorite spots within our capital," Xinghua said, trying to lift the other boy's mood.
"Oh?" Ísar turned back to Xinghua, shifting closer with slightly brighter eyes. "Like where?"
It was the prince's turn to start fumbling with his words.
"Uh…wait, wait. Like…" His nervousness made him convert back to his mother tongue, Ísar's expectant look not helping.
He cleared his throat and tried again. "There are these waterfalls beside the mountains that are found behind my teacher's temple. Perfect for a summer swim and the view is magical at night. There is a cave just behind the waterfall that I found and it's my secret spot. We could also experience the spring festival together. There's this street snack called tanghulu! It's candied fruits and I feel like you'd love it."
The more Xinghua spoke, the happier Ísar's smile became so he continued to speak. About the different festivals, the music, the operas, the martial arts and more.
He spoke about how he'd travel around the Empire with Ísar. How it'd probably take them over a decade and how they could've been adventurers and even venture out to sea to find lands nobody had heard of.
He only stopped when he'd noticed Ísar was falling asleep.
"I wanna go," Ísar sleepily mumbled, now cuddling into Xinghua.
"I'll take you," Xinghua said, almost promising the impossible.
He waited until he could hear Ísar's soft snores before he finished his sentence and fell asleep himself.
"I'll do just about anything for you, little ox."
—————
The maids walking in to wake up their king paused in the doorway, smiles on their faces.
The sleeping Qinglong Empire's Prince was hugging their young King, both of them sound asleep.
It was a memorable sight, though they wondered why the young King had such swollen eyes.
L’AVIS DES CRÉATEURS 
itoade
itoade - Dripping water can penetrate stone (滴水穿石): A timeless chinese proverb that conveys the idea that no matter how slow something may seem, it could still lead to success and emphasizes the importance of patience
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Sorry about the slower updates. Classes are getting crazy T_T I also do apologize if there’s mistakes and inconsistencies. I’m going to try and edit the already published chapters later on.
Cadeaux
-- Cadeau
reçu État de l’alimentation hebdomadaire
-- Classement
Power Stone 
-- Power
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