Must Not Lose Him

Actually, the question he was going to ask back then was— "If I can't make it through, can you leave me alone?" 

At least, when he knew that his demise was inevitable, he did not want Jin Jiuchi to witness the grotesque transformation he'd undergo in his final moments. But after what he had experienced in the test, he changed his mind. He couldn't bear the notion of Jin Jiuchi looking away from him, no matter how monstrous his appearance or how unsightly he might become. 

It shocked him how greedy he was. It seemed like Jin Jiuchi would always be able to evoke a side of him he didn't even know existed before. People might think that Jin Jiuchi was the more clingy one between them, more passionate and possessive, little did they know— it was because Shen Nianzu never showed what he was feeling within. He feared that if he were to let his guard down, his feelings for Jin Jiuchi would grow uncontrollable, and cloud his judgment and rationality.