Chapitre 72: 72. Old Wounds Heal
Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It's good advice, but it's not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores never settle. Old wounds never heal, and the most we can hope for is that someday we'll be lucky enough to forget.
-Meredith Grey
Emily rolled over in bed, trying to find the back of her husband. Mumbling something about the last scenario he'd drilled her on, she opened her eyes only to see nothing. Getting up, she tried to recall the last time she saw him.
"Morning," she called out, hoping he'd respond. To no avail, it appeared the apartment was empty.
Completely empty.
The new house was basically ready with everything except the last few knick knacks that each of them owned. And the bed. But Mark wanted that to be the last thing to go. She reached for her phone to check for anything. Nothing. Weird. Calling Noah, she checked her son's room. Empty. She headed for the kitchen to fix something up just as someone burst through the door.
"Hey, Callie," she greeted, scooping frozen berries into the blender. Grabbing a banana, she peeled it and lopped it into pieces before adding it in.
"Have you seen Mark?"
"Nope. Just reminding you that the Christmas dinner is next week." Emily plugged it in and began, Nodding, Callie sat herself at her kitchen island as Noah picked up. "You bring the wine."
"Hey, Em. What's up?"
"Oh, I was thinking. Since it's Christmas and the kids are off on winter break, why don't you bring 'em over for dinner? I haven't seen them in a while and they've gotta meet Ev." Stopping the blender, Emily took off the lid and smiled down at her smoothie. Noah shuffled around on the end and she squished the phone between her ear and shoulder as she poured the smoothie into her glass.
"Tell Noah to bring something." Placing the phone on the counter and putting it on speaker, Emily placed the glass blender parts into the sink for wash and detached the blades. "Hey, Noah! Arizona and I'll be there too."
"That's great! I'll bring something. Uh, Em, do you wanna say hi to Mom? I'm like, right outside her door."
"Nope. Goodbye." Hanging up, she put her phone down. Callie eyed her, not saying a thing as she pushed herself upright. "Don't say anything."
"I didn't."
"Your mom disowned you at your wedding."
"I know."
Everett batted at Emily's face and the brunette sighed, sipping her smoothie. "Is it bad that I hope she leaves and I never see her again?" Kissing her son atop his head twice, she looked at her mentor. "Why are you here again?"
"Just wanted to see if you needed anything."
"Oh." Deflating a bit, she shook her head. Walking around to put her son in his high chair, she began to fix him breakfast. "Well, not really. I don't have work today, and I was planning on getting Mark his Christmas gift."
"Do you have anything in mind?"
"I do," she said. "And it could go really badly, or it could end in tears." Emily paused for a moment. "Or both."
"What is it?"
"Mark doesn't know the date his mom died."
"Em—"
"But I do." Emily's eyes dropped to the porridge she was making. "He should remember. He loved her, and I was going to get him something to, I don't know, remind him?" At Callie's face, the resident shook her head. "Maybe it's stupid."
"No, that's not what I meant." The Latina seemed to slump, leaning forward on the island and lazily letting Everett tug at her finger. "Mark just hasn't been the same since he came back from New York. It's like a part of him is gone, and he's just started getting better. Don't you think you should let it rest?"
"When people close to you die, you want to remember the date."
A cold quiet filled the air afterwards, and Emily thought of Tom. The uncle Everett would never know, the best friend Emily would never get to grow old with. June 21st. He died on June 21st.
.
"Hey, Mark."
"Noah. Don't you have a flight?"
Erasing a surgery he'd just scrubbed out of, Mark pulled off his scrub cap and leaned against the nurse's station.
"Yeah. Next week. Theresa and the kids are flying in since my flight kept getting postponed, and, well, I have dinner with my mom and then you guys. Might as well stay for Christmas."
"Great."
Crossing his arms, Mark stared at spot where his wife's name was, scrubbing in on a foot amputation on a man who'd waited too long with a broken ankle. He hadn't seen her at all this morning. It was due time to fix that.
"Hey, kiddos," a voice chirped as if some deity heard his thoughts. Slim arms wrapped around him as Emily rested her head on his chest, scrub cap still around her dark hair. Noah sent his sister a smile which she returned. "We're planning dinner for the 24th. When are Theresa and the kids coming in?"
"Twentieth."
"Great!" Emily leaned up to kiss her husband's jaw and Mark couldn't help the small smile at her effort. She was trying so hard to be happy enough for the both of them. "Then, we'll see you then."
"Yeah, I've gotta… catch up with Arizona on something anyway." Noah nodded to his sister and left with a second glance back. Mark watched his wife's gaze widen before she looked away.
"Have you talked to your mom, yet?" he whispered, hand running down her head as she hugged him closer. They leaned together on the desk behind them and gazed at the O.R. board. Her fingers dug into his side as she shook her head. His hand fell to her back, running up and down. "You think you should?"
"Nah. I'm good." She sighed, turning her face into his chest. "I've got everything I need right here."
.
Christmas was always important to their group of friends, and Emily wrapped a scarf around Mark, tugged a hat onto Everett, and got him to go to Meredith's house where they had their annual party. Gifts were exchanged, Zola and Everett babbled each other, and Emily piled all the gifts into their car and got home.
Next, was the dinner, which was fine, too. It was their last in their old apartment, which tied well as a farewell party, too. Emily made mashed potatoes and bought wine, Mark baked a Christmas log for dessert, Callie and Arizona brought pot roast, and Noah brought his family. There were obligatory kisses under mistletoe, and terrible carolling on Will's part, who was getting too big too quickly. Emily sometimes forgot how big her nephews were, and when she saw them again, it always drove her crazy.
After bundling the kids to sleep with the Polar Express playing on the TV, Callie and Arizona retired with Sofia back to their apartment, while Noah, Theresa, and their sons went back to the Archfield.
Emily sat near the base of the tree, rearranging the presents for Christmas day. Tomorrow, the movers would come and get the bed and table, and all that was left. She looked around. Everything was so empty without their furniture and shelves. It was stripped bare, ready for the next tenants.
It was so strange to think she'd lived her life here, started her family here, fell in love and got her heart broken here all at once here, and now she was leaving. She was letting new people start their lives here. It was bittersweet, and she smiled to herself. No matter what, this would always be a special place to her.
"Can I join you?"
Blinking, she looked to where Mark was leaning against the corner that lead to the hallway to their rooms, a black box in his hands.
"Yeah, of course." Sitting on her bottom, she crossed her legs and grabbed her own present for Mark. It was a two-piece. One was an envelope, and another was something else. Something she got just for him.
The dim light caught the silver of his watch and she smiled fondly as he collapsed next to her, leaning towards her with his legs sprawled ahead of them. With one hand propping him up, the other offered her the box.
Setting her own present in the lap, she took the velvet black and frowned. Mark didn't normally get her jewelry after they got married. His nose brushed her cheek as she turned to look at him curiously. His eyes glowed in the dim lighting and she kissed him, her fingers lightly scratching the beard along his jaw.
"Open it."
So she did.
As it snapped back, she caught a glimpse of sterling silver and diamond. As it shone in the light, Emily made a note of the centerpiece. A blue cut of alexandrite surrounded in an infinity of diamonds. A solitaire promise ring. This must cost a fortune. I need him to stop, Emily mused. Looking at her husband, she waited for him to explain.
"You're the one I love," he whispered, the words fanning over her skin and sounding like the saddest song. His eyes were wet as he stared at her, dark from the shadows of the room but bright with grief. "But I can't stop you from leaving me. So, just remember me. If you go before I do, remember me."
"Mark—"
"I can't help this feeling I have in my gut that something's going to happen," he continued, blinking. Her hands found his face, and without even realizing, the ring was on her third finger beside her wedding ring. "And, I can't lose you." Palms flat against his cheeks, she made sure he looked into her eyes.
"You won't, okay? No one's gonna tear you away from me." She waited for him to nod, despite how small it is, and forced another smile.
"It just feels like I'm losing everything, and I can't. You're the only one I can't live without. I can't lose you."
"You won't," she repeated. "Mark." As he crumpled in her hands, she smiled and pressed her face against his. "Mark, I'm sorry." His arms wrapped around her frantically, hard and she slid her own around his neck. Raising her head, she felt him burrow into the spot beneath his neck and she let out a quivering breath. "Now, come on. Open your gift before we both start crying."
He drew away, kissing her lips quickly before nodding. First, he took the dark navy envelope, tearing it open gently. One of his arms was still around her waist and she shuffled closer. The tape came off easy, and Emily bit her lip, slightly afraid. She had no idea what his reaction was going to be, and when she didn't know what to do, she talked. As he took out the slip of newspaper, she began.
"I… I know you don't remember when it happened. And… your dad told me about it, and I searched it up." His hands were shaking as she spoke, and Emily swallowed when she saw it. He didn't look up at her, only at that framed scrap of newspaper that told him the date of her death. "The library had copies and it took a long while to convince them, but I thought that you deserved to know."
There was a long silence.
And then Mark let out a gut-wrenching sob. It took Emily a few seconds to register he was crying before he bent over, burying his face into her shirt. Putting aside the second part of Mark's present, she wrapped her arms around his head, shushing him quietly. His tears ran hot into her shirt but she didn't care, holding him to her as he clutched onto her shirt like she'd disappear. Patting his head, she leaned down to kiss him and continued to weave her fingers through his hair.
"It's okay, it's okay—" Her throat tightened as his sobs intensified. A man did not lay in her arms, but a boy. Only seven or eight, but already missing so much. And suddenly Emily knew it wasn't okay, that he probably never managed to let it out as a child. No one ever told him it was okay to. Certainly not his father who was six feet under now. So she said, "I'm here," instead.
Emily did not move when Mark fell asleep in her lap, the rest of their presents unopened. She just combed her fingers through his hair and thought of different ways to tell him she loved him. A startling realization hit her as she sat there, holding the love of her life in her arms.
She sure as hell didn't forgive but she didn't want to bleed from old wounds anymore.
.
"You sure? All this time, you've said you wanted nothing to do with her."
"Well, I mean she's better, and she's moving, so I guess it's okay," Emily replied with a shrug. Theresa frowned. "Don't tell Noah I said that." Up ahead, her brother was checking in as his sons ran around his legs.
"I'm just saying — I get why Noah is pushing you but maybe he shouldn't."
"This is my choice," Emily said. "And I need to say goodbye to you, which reminds me…" Opening her arms, she embraced her sister-in-law tightly. "I never see you anymore."
"We live in different cities, Em."
"FaceTime, then."
"With your crazy hours? We'll see." Theresa kissed her cheek one last time, and then grabbed her luggage. "I'll call you when we land."
"Alright." Emily watched Theresa's eyes drift off and she turned around to see that someone had approached Noah. "Guess that's my cue, huh."
"You can always back out."
"Yeah, but I won't." Taking a deep breath, she walked towards where Noah was talking to their mom. Sofia. Their… something. "Hey, Noah. Andrew, it's good to see you." Nodding to her half-brother, she managed a genuine smile that he returned.
"You, too. Merry belated Christmas, by the way," he said and she accepted it with another nod. And then she faced her mother, setting her jaw. Determined not to falter, she stared right into her face.
"Can we have a moment alone?" she asked without tearing her eyes away. Noah nodded, taking Leonardo DeLuca and Andrew away to where Theresa was waiting. Emily waited until they were out of earshot before saying, "Hey."
Her mother looked at her with wet eyes and swallowed. Nothing filled Emily up inside. Not rage, not warmth, just nothing. It felt so isolating and she knew it was what she felt when she was at university and then med school and then after and before and every day since her mother had left her behind.
"Hello, Milly."
Emily felt her throat run dry. "Have a safe flight. Don't let Dr. Shepherd's work be for nothing."
"I won't. Thank you." Sofia DeLuca cleared her throat and blinked, and the mistiness in her eyes was better hidden. "I don't know what to say. I know you hate me, but I'm sorry. I… I'm so sorry I hurt you."
Emily didn't know what to say either but she accepted the words with a tight swallow. "I know, but it's just time we can never get back, can we?"
"No, we can't. But we can try. I want to be in your life, Milly." Emily stiffened every time she called her that. This time was no different. "I want to be your mother and I love you. I'm sorry."
"You left me without a note," she whispered harshly. "You don't get to decide when to become a mother and when not to. I don't even know where Dad is because of you." Seething from head to toe, Emily crossed her arms and continued, "Noah may have forgiven you but I can't. I won't, not for this. But I don't hate you. I'm tired of hating. I'm tired of hating you."
A burden seemed to lift off the woman's shoulders opposite of her and Emily looked to her shoes. New ones Mer had gotten her for Christmas. "Thank you."
"You should probably get on your flight." Clearing her throat, the brunette took a step back. "Goodbye." Turning away, she shoved her hands in her pockets of the YSL coat and began to head back when she heard a call of her name. She paused, glancing over her shoulder.
"You're far better than anyone's ever told you," Sofia DeLuca said. "Far better than what you deserved. And I know I'm in no position to ask things of you, but…"
Walking back towards her, Emily's eyebrows knitted together. "What is it?"
"Andrew's staying in Seattle and I want to take care of him, but Leonardo insists I go back to Italy with him. Have a vacation of such."
"Andrew's a big boy," Emily said, knowing what she was asking of her. "But I'll keep an eye on him."
"Thank you." Sofia reached for her arm and Emily allowed it. Her hand rested gently against the younger woman's forearm and Emily placed her hand atop of her mother's. "I'm proud of you."
"Yeah, well, comes with the job," she whispered and pulled away. "Have a safe flight, Mom."
"Thank you." Sofia's hands pressed together in front of her mouth as Emily offered a final smile and walked away.
.
"Guess what I'm thinking of doing?" Emily mumbled as Mark pressed another kiss to her mouth. Sighing into it, she felt his hand trail up her thigh to cup her bottom and hitched her leg over his.
"What?"
"Starting a garden." Tossing an arm lazily around his neck, she pulled him closer. "So much space in the backyard and, oh, Everett would love it." His lips travelled down her neck and she giggled as he gently nipped at her collarbone. "We have to get to work."
"No, we don't."
"Mark," she warned, not making a move to push him away. Letting out a tiny sigh, she turned around and his arms wrapped around her waist, hips pressed against hers. His warmth was intoxicating and she melted into him.
"It's Valentine's Day," he whispered, "and we have never celebrated Valentine's Day together."
"Well, you've better planned something, then," she teased, pecking his lips and getting out of bed. Mark watched her go, walking into the bathroom in their master suite and flopped back down on the bed in their new, spacious house.
Smiling to himself, he sighed. "You don't even know."
A/N: Thank you as always for the follows and favorites. Review! I love hearing your thoughts.
Next: Valentine's Day part two.
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