Chapitre 174: CHAPTER 172
"She wants to stay regardless, what more could I do except accept it?"
We were now at a bridge, walking along the pedestrian line as cars zoomed past us.
"There is a possibility of me dying before I can achieve anything and a part of me wants to enjoy all I can; the good times, the bad times, the lovely times, the hard times, the last time. I know the event of my death will cause some emotional turmoil in a few people, but I can't honestly say that I can picture a happy ending for myself." We relapsed back into silence and continued our walk, sometimes stopping to watch the scenery around and below us.
"That's some dark thoughts you have. While I would admit you're not the most optimistic person around, having this assurance of your death is… worrying to say the least." Nat spoke after some time. I knew what I had said had given her something to think about but that was the truth. Most people could form pictures of what they hoped would happen, having untold riches, women flocking to them, having all the power in the world, but not me. Sure I can think about it, but I was never able to form a clear picture in my head. It was like such a thing was impossible to me. Even with all the strength I've acquired, I still can't seem to form a picture of my ideal future.
"You know, according to the mystics, our dreams are gateways to our multiversal selves, a state where we can reverberate our frequencies with that of our doppelganger in another universe, which in turn means that anything we can think of, or see in our dream, is real."
Nat abruptly stopped and gave a look as if asking 'really?', to which I nodded. She mulls about it for a second before her eyes shot open. "What are you trying to say, Draul?"
"What I'm saying is that I've never dreamt, not once since coming to this world. No funny dreams, no scary dreams, no nightmares, no lucid dreams… nothing. Makes me wonder, am I truly alone across realities? Everyone can escape into their dreams or fantasy, but I can't. It's inconceivable to me. Ironically, it makes me wonder; what if it's just the multiverse' way of saying that I was unneeded? What if all these fights were just the universe's way of correcting a mistake?"
"You know fully well that that's not true." Nat said softly.
"I know." I replied. "Doesn't stop me from wondering though. And it's gotten to the point where I have knowingly put the universe on the betting pool, my stakes are high, but they only hold value to me, against the other contestants, I'm afraid it has no weight, so now I have to keep my chips close to my chest because I can lose them at any moment. But I've come too far to just tap out, it's all or nothing at this point and the least I can aim, or rather hope, for is to cash out a winning of a lifetime."
We were now at a park, listening to someone playing the guitar with a small crowd surrounding him.
We were eating some roadside snacks that Nat had bought when we first arrived while listening to the girl playing the guitar. She wasn't a professional by any means but she did play a beautiful tune.
"You didn't tell her, did you?"
"There was no reason to." I simply said.
"But she is your girlfriend. Isn't that supposed to mean a two-way commitment? How can she truly understand you when you keep having layers to yourself?" Nat chided.
"That it is but… she is not family, or rather she didn't used to be. Our talk yesterday and this morning already told me enough of her choice." We stared at each other for a while before Nat sighed and turned her head to focus back on the guitarist. Right now the song had changed into a somber one, different from its former upbeat tune.
"I swear Draul, you are the most bipolar person I've ever met. One minute you are so upbeat like a child with too much chocolate intake and the next minute you are an old man with a nihilistic outlook on life." I could feel the rising frustration from Nat and could also read it from her expression as she was scowling.
"I do love Ororo, Nat. I really do…"
"But you still won't tell her."
"She'll know sooner or later, but I want her to know on her own terms. She could ask me to spill my darkest secrets and I would tell her in a heartbeat but she doesn't…" I looked at the darkening cloud that was progressively signaling nightfall. "And the reason for that is because she knows I won't lie. I am grateful for the breakfast today as it also gave me some time to think because while I do want Ororo to be a part of this family, I'm also glad because she wanted the same thing. It wouldn't have been fair if I force, or pressure, my desires on her nor would it be fair if all I can do is give her a reason not to date me because that is all I would be doing if I were to tell her my most honest thoughts. Personally, I'm hoping none of our talks gets this emotional because what boyfriend would want to tell their girlfriend that there is a very high possibility that they might die sometime soon?" I took my time and explained to her.
"Arghh! Since when did relationships become this complicated!" She practically screamed, drawing the attention of the surrounding people to us but we just ignored them altogether.
I chuckled at her outburst as I could feel her frustrations practically bleeding out. "I don't think I'm the reason for that."
"Yeah, no shit." We both laughed as she said that. "I didn't know it would be so hard to get a moment and begin a somewhat semi-stable relationship."
"Bucky?"
"Bucky. It's like every time I think, 'this is it!' Something weird just have to happen and I feel like whatever was supposed to have happened between us fizzles out. Every. Goddamn. Time! It's excruciating."
When it comes to Natasha, I will admit that my thoughts of her vary a lot but such a hurtful expression on her face was not something I ever thought I would see on her face.
She was still in her early twenties, a few months shy of twenty three, a very young girl all things considered. Yes, her time in the Red Room was very short compared to what it should have been given that I rescued her when she was still 19 and also the fact that things were very lively around me made me sometimes forget that she was still a young lady dealing with young lady issues, and those were things that I couldn't provide any substantial help with.
Love.
That was something I knew I had little experience in. I've experienced it both in my past life and currently in this one but the experience would greatly differ as compared to me, she was just learning how to get in touch with her feelings and not to mention that the point of view due to our genders made it harder than it should have been.
It would have been better if she had someone, most preferably female, that she could talk to of which there was only Ororo. There were the few civilians she talked to during her time at Charlie's but those were just to keep up pretenses.
If it were a guy then I was sure I could spit out some words and if not persuade, then dissuade him. But when the subject was a female, then I was stomped. And that wasn't even the end of the complication, simply put – my best friend wanted to date my sister and while I knew both of them down to their most ugly moments, trying to advise them to date each other didn't feel right with me. It would be best if they worked it out themselves.
"Isn't this the part where you usually say some thought provoking words?"
Great! Looks like I still have to say something regardless of how I don't want to.
"I honestly don't know what to say, Nat. I don't feel like my validation should be a key point in you deciding to pursue a relationship with Bucky. You want my input: you both should figure it out yourselves. Go on a walk or something and just let your thoughts flow, it is greatly therapeutic, just like how we're doing right now. You guys have seen and experienced what 99% of the people on earth would never see, nor experience in their entire lives. Deciding to start a relationship shouldn't faze you like this, though I do get where you are coming from. Hit the proverbial nail on the head and see how it goes from there, worst case scenario is that you both call it off before it ever begins and the consequences would be an awkward house whenever you both are in the room but it'll fizzle out in less than a month. What more could you stand to lose? Maybe your first heartbreak but I doubt it's developed to that point." I dropped a stack of cash for the guitarist and waved off her wide eyes with a smile before walking back to a thoughtful Nat.
"You good up there?" I asked while bumping her shoulders, breaking her from her immersion. "It doesn't require enough thinking. It's what people call a leap of faith."
I gestured for us to continue walking with my head, finally breaking her from having an aneurysm and causing her to trail beside me.
"Thanks. You really have a way of explaining things, you know? It's like you make the problems plaguing someone disappear the moment they bring it up to you."
"Well it comes with experience, and also if I don't look out for you guys you'll be a mess." I laughed as she hit me on my side due to my reply.
"So you're not against me and Bucky dating?" She asked.
"And why would you think that I was against the both of you dating? Sure the notion of it is weird with you being kinda like a little sister to me and Bucky being my best bro, but other than that I don't see why it should be a problem for the both of you dating. I will admit that it would be fun teasing the hell out of Bucky but you are old enough to make your own decisions without needing my input… I'm your friend/brother, Nat, not your father and as such, there are no standards to raise for you to live by, same, but to a lesser degree, goes to Yelena." I wrapped her in a one arm hug which she returned.
I never knew that the two sisters would grow on me this much, but it was a change I wholeheartedly accepted.
"I don't think I've ever said it, maybe I have but, thanks for taking us in. Yelena and I really appreciate it. I would admit that I was skeptical at first when I started living with you but it turned out to be the best decision I'd ever made. It's been an adventure after an adventure. So for what it's worth, thank you for indulging our selfish request."
I paused and looked at the darkening sky, not bearing to look away from the beautiful picture of the red sky.
"Draul?"
"Nothing!"
"Wh- Oh my God! Are you crying?!"She asked with an incredulous tone, dragging my face downwards to meet her eyes but I brought it back to look at the sky.
"No, I'm not."
"You totally are, you big softie. I can't wait to tell Yelena this one. Hahahahaha!" She burst out laughing, finding it too funny that she held her sides.
"Don't tell her. Whatever respect she has for me would evaporate if she found out you made me cry." My voice was unusually low but Nat heard it. And besides it wasn't like I was bawling out my optics, it was just a single tear.
"I don't think that's what will happen. Don't worry 'big brother', I won't let her disrespect you." She teasingly comforted me.
I groaned at the specific words she used. "Please, don't call me big brother. It makes us look like some noble princely family."
"Sure thing, Draul."
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