Chapitre 40: Chapter 40
"Kamusta na kayo?"
Iyon na kaagad ang binungad sakin ni Irish kasama ang bagong kasal na si Chloe habang kumakain kami nang breakfast kasama ang mga partner nila.
I wasn't surprised anymore when they knew about Lexord and I because of yesterday, he was so drunk and keep mentioning my name, as they said. It was so crazy and chaotic for me.
Like, why the hell would he mention me? It is because of the guilt? Ngayon lang ba sya tinamaan ng guilt kaya sya ganito ngayon? That was my first thought not until he told me his reason.
"Complicated." I told them as I eat some marshmallows with chocolate in it.
"Paanong complicated? You mean you still have doubts?" Tanong naman sakin ni Chloe at naka akbay ang asawa nya sa kanya. I didn't mind if I'll be the fifth wheel. Sanay na ako.
I shrugged my shoulders as I looked at them. "It's still hard to process what he said. I mean is, hindi naman porke nakapag paliwanag sya ay tatanggapin ko na lang na ganoon yung tao. Because I know at the end, we both continue hurting at each other."
"Anong plano mo?" Irish asked me again while eating some desserts.
Plan? I still don't have it truely but if he's involve the topic, maybe, I'll just choose myself first before him. Or did my feelings still there? Or it's just guilt for me to not trust him enough?
I was the one involve of this. Hindi lang naman sya ang may org. Bakit nga ba hindi ko naisip yon? Did he really found out that I'm the one who suspect him at the first place? Bakit nga ba nawala iyon sa isip ko?
"To love myself first." Iyon na ang huling sinabi ko nago magpaalam sa kanilang magpapahangin lang ako.
Masyadong magulo ang isip ko para sagutin sila isa isa. It was too much for me to handle his confession, parang hindi ko pa yatang kakayanin kung may maririnig akong tanong about samin mi Lexord. I don't want them to expect too much like Azure. Hindi lang naman ako yung nahirapan e, respeto na lang din sana na hayaan na lang nila kaming mag desisyon para sa sarili namin.
I closed my eyes when I felt a fresh air in my face. Tinignan ko ang papataas na araw. Another day for me to live.
Hinayaan kong tignan ang tanawin nang maramdaman ko ang presenya nya mula sa tabi ko. I secretly hold my chest if I could feel my heart beating so fast like earlier but I felt.. nothing.
I felt calm. Maybe because of his confession? I felt calm and free when years passed, I finally found the answer.
"How are you?" He asked.
That question. Iyon ang unang gusto kong marinig galing sa kanya. I smiled by myself, it looks so unreal to be with him again.
"Good." I bit my lower lip. "How about you?"
Nagkatinginan kami ng lingunin ko sya. I can see the sadness in his eyes, lose of hope. "I'm going there," He lied.
I can tell that he choose to lie. Not wanting to tell the truth. Maybe it'll hurt him more.
I understand that, I still choose to understand him. That's all I can do, and nothing more. I am so sure of that.
Tumango ako at hindi na nagsalita ulit. Mukhang naubusan na ako nang sasabihin nya nang aminin nya sa akin lahat. Na realize ko na, ako na lang pala ang hindi nagsasabi at mukhang gusto nyang malaman kaya sya nandito ngayon.
So I tried to ask him. "Do you want to know my side?"
Nag iwas sya nang tingin nang ako na ulit ang tumingin sa kanya. I noticed that he swallowed so hard, maybe trying to stop his emotion inside.
Nang hindi sya nagsalita ay pinangunahan ko na sya. This time, I won't stop talking until the end of my suffering. I wanted him to know. Both of us are involved in this. I don't want to be unfair to him.
"I love you." That was the first word I said. I can feel him shocked at he looked at me. "At the first, I really wanted to told you that, that time. But I'm not brave to had a first move to said that. I was so happy when I'm with you. You're so patient to me and willing to wait to make both of us official. We were so happy for months, I never felt like that, only you. I can imagine myself sith you in the future, have weddings and kids." Nakangiting sambit ko at tumingin sa kanya. "I was so ready to risk my life and almost say yes to be your girlfriend that time. Even heard of you said I love you to me. I thought that was the endless you'll say to me. But only once. So I didn't know if you really love me or you're just overwhelmed to your feelings.
I'm so sorry, I was trying hard to read and to know you. But I still failed you. I was thinking that time that maybe, it's my karma, I deserve this and no one will ever accept me as me. No one can make me have a freedom of my own. I love you so much that I suffer for 7 years without you. Alam mo naman na mas masakit makita na ang taong ginamit ko para makalimutan ka ay ang taong handang mahalin ako kahit iba ang mahal ko.
It hurts more. He's my boss and I'm just the member. Can you imagine the pain when you caught someone crying im the dark because he can't love someone like me because of the other person. I tried. I tried to love him and to forget you but I still can't. It looks like I'm the only one left who can't move forward because of my love for you. Whenever I go and change countries, I still remember you.
I realized that I had no freedom because you just abandoned me and left me without telling a reason. Ni wala mang lang akong pinanghawakan kung bakit ka naging ganoon bigla. Ang sakit lang para sa akin na ginagawa mo iyon para lang hindi ako madamay at isinakripisyo mo yung pagmamahal na sinasabi mo sa akin. Should I really thanked for that? Yes, you're willing to sacrifice. But how about sacrificing the person without knowing her? Ganoon naba ka selfish ang dating? Bakit kailangan isa lang ang gumawa? Bakit kailangang iwan na lang nang ganoon ang taong mahal mo? It's that love what you called?
"Krishiana."
"Then if yes, why I'm the one who suffer more? I think that's not love. For me, It's just because that person importants to you."
"I'm sorry, I promised that I'll never do that again to you." He tried to catch my hands and hold it.
Umiling ako at hinayaan ang luha kong tumatakas mula sa mata ko. "Stop making promises. For now, let's just talk about our history and after that, maybe we can finally free to each other."
"No. Please Krishiana, gave me a chance to prove to you-" he begged.
"I'm tired." I smiled at him sadly. "I just wanted to be free, can you please let me? I know that I'm not the only one who's hurting now, but this time, can you just stop? I don't know what's your plan anymore. I don't want to go back and let you embrace me again like before. It'll never be the same."
I cried more when he begged on his knees. He tried to embrace me and always saying that 'forgive' 'please' 'I'll change'
Good thing, his friends stopped him and take him away for me. I hugged Chloe and cry more as she comfort me. "I'm sorry,"
"Shush, it's not your fault babe."
"Hindi na healthy para sa kanila ang mag kita ulit. Lexord would just begged to my cousin, and it was devastating to see it." I heard my cousin told them and hugged me from behind.
"I'll try to distract him, he's not yet in normal because of the guilt. Let's just split up for now, I don't want my friend to suffer more." I heard France talking to my cousin.
"Don't just distract him, try to take your friend in psychotherapist. Help him to accept their past and regret it before moving forward. Having disaster is dangerous." Lucas said in monotone as he try to calm me down.
"Alright, I'll just go. Take care." Paalam ni France sa amin at umalis na.
They were right and I don't have the right to protest. I wanted to be back as normal again, without having s feelings for him. Loving him was a dangerous and it can be destroy people and loving him was not easy.
If only I could go back in time, I would've known him better for not to be in the past until now.
"Pack your things and we'll flight to Canada."
Iyon ang bungad sa akin ni Azure nang makapasok kami sa hotel room namin. Alam ko na ka agad ang pina plano nya, like last time, we'll run away again.
I stared at him, he was willing to be with me even if it'll hurt me many times. Before that pain go worst, I'll stop him. I don't want him to be like me, he doesn't deserve me. He deserves more, many people will love him the way he love me.
"I'll be the one who will go. Stop talking." I said in advance while pacming my things.
Nakita ko pang natigilan sya kaya napa buntong hininga ako. "Let me go alone. Sa una pa lang naman, dapat ako lang. Dinamay lang kita. I was selfish back then and use you. I realized that nothing would change if I choose to be a bad person. I'll just regret it later." Bumuntong hininga ulit ako at tinignan sya. "Thank you, for being my side Azure. 7 years is enough for me to have your freedom." I smiled at him and squeeze his hands.
"Are you really sure? I'm worried." Nakita ko ang pag aalala sa mata nya. Good thing he didn't protest or else we'll have a fight.
"I'm really sure, I'll just need time alone and finally heal myself. I wanted to go back in my old life. To have a freedom on my own, without other people. I can make a decision by myself. Only me. And don't worry, we'll keep in touch." Ginulo ko pa ang buhok nya kaya sinamaan nya ako ng tingin.
"Does your brother know this?"
Tumango ako at ngumiti ng tipid sa kanya. "Sa canada ang kasal nya so I need to be there too. Hopefully, our family will show up in his wedding so we'll be finally complete."
I wish
I just wish that if someday will come, I'll be fully get over to him.
To be continued...
État de l’alimentation hebdomadaire
-- Classement
Power Stone 
-- Power
stone