Chapitre 11: CHPATER 11: A Black Closet
I was always clear about this subject from the beginning of us, and we didn't bring it up this whole time. Andrew knows damn well how much I dislike living with someone in the same place; it's not even about him.
I live by myself since I can remember; I'm used to this from an early age so I can't change it.
"Say something" he says, after I stayed quiet for a long time.
I'm not prepared for this; I couldn't imagine he will ask me to move in with him. That's not how things are supposed to be, that's not what I'm planning to do in my life.
"Isn't it too soon?" I ask him. Actually I don't mean it as a question, but I really have no idea what should I say to make him give up on his plan.
"You must be kidding me!" he says, while laughing though he stops laughing immediately when he notices that I'm serious.
"We have been together for more than a year, I'd say that we had enough time we should've been living together a long time ago" he continues.
"I don't know really. I'm just not ready for such a big step like this one" I tell him, shaking my head. Honestly, deep down I know he's right. The way we're living it is unfair for him.
I don't allow him to spend the night at my home, except for a few times when we did sleep unintentionally until the morning, and I don't really go to his house. So I basically did go two times to my boyfriend's place.
"Jessica! We are not some reckless teenagers who have to sneak out of their parents' houses to see each other. You are 22 and I'm 25. We are adults so we have to act accordingly" Andrew says, gritting on is teeth.
Thank you Andrew, it's like I have to be remembered that I'm an adult now. In fact I've been an adult since I was a child; I've grown up faster than the other kids.
I had to take my own decisions and plan my next move way before I turned 15 years old. So he doesn't have the right to lecture me about it.
"Why do I feel like you already took your decision without discussing it with me" I say, with an angry voice. Andrew always chills when I show some anger, so I suppose he will close this subject forever now. But he doesn't.
"We are discussing it now" he tells me, waving his hand between us.
"And I said I'm not ready" I say, glaring at him.
I'm ignorant concerning the reason that makes him so insistent to live together. I mean we never were the couple that make promises or dream about their future together. I thought he is okay with it.
"What are you afraid of, Jess?" he asks, this time he is looking straight ahead of him, avoiding looking me in the eyes.
I think about his question a little bit. Like really, what am I afraid of? Is it about the nightmares I get every night? Or is it about the panic attacks? Maybe I am scared that if I take this decision it will lead me to something much bigger.
"What should I be afraid of, Andrew? You tell me" I decide to answer by another question. It is my trick to not be the center of attention.
He looks at me with his eyebrows raised; confused by my question, then his face softens.
"Nothing! my love. As long as you are with me, you don't have to be afraid of anything" he says, holding my hand and giving it a reassuring little squeeze.
But the thing he doesn't know, that it is hard to promise someone like me with something like that.
I got abandoned by the very people who were suppose to protect me, left behind with a broken heart by the one person who promised me the world. So now my own memories scare me.
"You are not aware of what you're promising me" I say, with a low voice.
"I am, Jess" he assures me. He looks hurt of what I said. "Look, you can change everything in the house, furniture, paint, anything. Make it your own house; I don't mind I just want you to be there with me, every day. We can even change the house, you know" he adds.
"It's not about this. You KNOW it is not about this" I say, I kind of feel offended by what he just said, it's like I actually do care what colour the bedroom is painted or where the couch should be.
"I'm just saying that...I mean...I mean everything will be your way" he says, with a tired voice.
"You have maids and you know how much I hate a crowded house" I tell him, while I'm very confident he won't give up on his maids just to convince me live in his house, whereas I will win this fight for good.
"Consider them gone, I'll clean myself" he says. And we both burst into laughing.
To be honest, I can't imagine the Tuxedo CEO Andrew cleaning the floor and doing the dishes. And by the way, did I mention how huge his apartment is?
"We will clean together" I say, still laughing.
All of a sudden, I find myself imagining living with him and the two of us enjoying cleaning together or cooking or any other activity we can do it both.
"Let's try it" I say, now seriously. I do realize that Andrew is the most constant thing life has giving me. Perhaps more constant than any pain I do feel.
"Really?" Andrew asks, obviously surprised that I accepted that quickly.
"Not as a permanent situation. I mean let's try to live together this weekend and we will decide after that. Maybe you will get bored of me even before the weekend is over" I say, shrugging my shoulders.
"I love you, how can I be bored of you?" he tells me while smiling, a big smile. I should give him a chance, although I AM giving him a chance.
I swore a vow to myself that I will never be with anyone and here I am planning to move in with my one year boyfriend.
He kisses me briefly on my lips and starts the car.
"Um...Andrew? I think we have a problem" I'm about to ask him if we're going to leave my car here for the next couples of days and whether we're directly going to head to his place.
"Your car will be safe here, don't worry" he says, reassuringly. But...
"I don't have extra clothes, you know?" I say, with a confused voice. We have to go to my apartment first, so I can take some clothes with me to his house.
"Don't worry about anything. All is settled" Andrew says, very confidently. I don't know what he's planning, but I decide to not worry about it. I have a lot to think of after all.
First things first, I need to find a way to mess it all up this weekend so he's no longer all excited about this Living Together thing.
The ride to his house was calm, we stayed silent. We looked at each other few times, he smiled and I smiled back.
Now we're in the elevator, it opens and we step out of it, while Andrew holds my hand and I wince a little. My hand healed but it still hurts a little. He looks happy and I'm wondering if it's just because of this. Why is he trying so hard to keep this relationship going? I really am curious to know.
He opens the door of his apartment and we go inside, the first surprise is that all the decorations are completely not the same.
Everything is new, actually it's been a long time since I've been here but I still remember what it looked like before. In all cases his house is very beautiful and big, we can say that it's luxurious. Now, with the changes it is ten times beautiful than it was before.
"Check the bedroom" Andrew says from behind me. I look at him, he's very amused. I actually don't know why, because I'm not showing any signs of excitement or happiness.
I go to the bedroom and of course everything in it is brand new. The bed sheets are black, the bedside tables are black, the ceiling is painted black, and even the carpets are Pitch Black. Everything is black.
I know he did it on purpose. He knows I like black. Typical.
Out of curiosity I open the dresser. And here is the big surprise, I glance at him and he's already smiling.
"What do you think?" he asks. I can't be sure whether he's serious or not.
But for real, is it normal that the dresser is full of clothes? Not any clothes, they're for me obviously given the size and the colour.
BLACK!
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