Chapitre 6: Second Opinion
I cannot hurl the idea that I haven't been lazy since the start of the quarantine. Well, I have been lazy since college anyway, so what makes it different now?
The COVID cases went higher, and those confirmed are at least a hundred cases. We were all expecting anyway to be back to normal since the lockdown was only until April. But of course, that did not happen so well with our government receiving criticism especially the elected President.
Sometimes, I wonder how is each of the persons from the government treats their mental health like mine, as it isn't getting better. Work isn't fulfilling, and so are the people in social media where should be used as a platform to be free, but then was abused. In social media, it's colorful chaos, and not in a beautiful way. Some have constructive criticism to each other (which doesn't make a difference because it's like a fight of the black and white kind of shit), and others just want to say fuck the government.
History has mentioned that there was never a good government that happened in this country mainly because of the people who weren't even trying to be grateful for some of the good things that they've done. People only see the bad things to one another.
I realized that I shouldn't make an effort doing good to others if they will only criticize me for something of a little evil that I made, which by the way, I haven't done any as far as I know.
And that is what I was kind of doing with my job. All of the people I'm talking within my channel only focuses on how bad the service of the courier is whenever they haven't received their items or encountered any problems. God, why is everyone finds it hard to read the reviews or the ratings of the item?
Since I was new, and overwhelmed with the responsibilities, that laziness got the worse of me that I could not even explain how I did such things that I knew I wasn't capable of. In the first few months, I know that I want to get the fuck out from that toxic department, so I messaged my reporting manager for my interest to apply for another department.
"I cannot promise that this will be approved because we lack of manpower as of the moment. But I'll do my best," my supervisor said to me through Skype. After that, he asked me to write an email, him and the senior supervisor to my interest in applying for that department which is in Marketing Department. It's funny because first, I do not have any experience in Marketing, (I do have though an experience in Sales but that's different, from the word itself, so that's still not included), and second, I just want to work with some of the hot guys because they're in that department.
I wouldn't waste your time reading the content of my intent because all I said there was mostly bullshit. All I could think of is getting out of this toxic department.
And my higher supervisor did not waste my time waiting for a day either because she declined the email, to which I understood the reason, and to make me realize that I am stuck in this hole full of devils.
"Thank you for the help though, TL Adrian." I messaged him.
Most of the time when I was rejected by something, I connect every rejection with a divine intervention. Maybe it wasn't my time yet to apply for another department. Maybe I could keep on going because God is trying my patience through the challenges I am facing. All of the maybes I could think of went through my head at the day I go to war to do my work fastly enough to attend the customers who are chatting about their concerns, and still runs to my head at night whether I can still keep on going, or maybe it is time to file for a resignation.
I mean, Jesus Christ, I was only in the Live Chat Department for few weeks, and I am already thinking of resigning. But something tell me that I shouldn't. That it was all just the anxiety I am feeling especially that time we are stuck in our homes, in quarantine, and every family member you're with are still adjusting how to communicate with you especially now that they know your attitude when it comes to work.
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One night, I left a message to my Mom, giving her a heads up that I may resign sooner rather than later. The next morning, she messaged me that it's my decision to do so, "but make sure that you are tight with your decision to resign because it is hard to find a job, and you are lucky that you are in a good company when everyone around you are losing jobs." I know that would be her reply to my plan, and I also know that she does not directly tells us yes or no. She just goes with the flow on whatever is happening with her family, with herself, and with her children. I adore her so much for that. She is the strongest person I know despite on whatever has happened to her after all these years. I do not want to be another burden that she thinks of especially that she's out of the Philippines, and is Senior Engineer in Mauritius, and especially with my current condition that we've been trying to balance with medications for a long time.
Even though she's my mother, and most of the things she advises me to end up me being on the right path, I still am on the verge of considering resigning from the company that I loved working for, and for the love of God, it always bothered me day and night if should I or shouldn't I?
You know, it is not a surprise that I get lost in my deep dark thoughts in my head, but at this time, it did not only tested my mental capacity but also my patience of how long I can hold on. All of these things I did, I see it as if I was sick of something and self-diagnosed myself, and went to a doctor to see whether it's true or not. If they said it's true, I go for a second or even a third opinion, to which I did.
All of this desperation to leave almost drives me nuts, but I know to myself that I am as weak as a brittle wood, eaten by the termites of my negativity. I have known what it felt like to be lost, and then to almost disappear, taking the coward's way out.
I do not want to go back to that state of mind again especially now that my responsibility as a son to my mother, and as the eldest to my siblings has gotten bigger (not financially though, but we'll get to that).
As much as I want to give up everything, especially my job and my life, I do not want to, because this is no time to be weak in the time of the pandemic.
So I went to the second, third, and the nth opinions that I could reach.
État de l’alimentation hebdomadaire
-- Classement
Power Stone 
-- Power
stone