Chapitre 91: Chapter Two: Avoid
With long, jet black hair and a height to match, Haruna Endo laid flat on her back as she stared up at the ceiling. It was currently December 31st, nearly a week since the awful memory that Christmas had become. During that time in between, Haruna had done… nothing. Really, if she could've literally done nothing, she would've. Laying in her bed, locked away in her bedroom sounded much more preferable than having to deal with people. Of course, it wasn't really physically possible (or at least not recommended) for her to just lay motionless, so Haruna at least put in the effort to get dressed and did what was required of a living human being.
However, while she did move, she hardly thought. Her lack of thinking wasn't so much because she had nothing to think about as much as it was the opposite. She was actively suppressing her mind so that she didn't have to bother with how she felt, because if she did, she was sure those feelings would swallow her.
Haruna felt awful. Absolutely terrible. The fear of rejection (and the belief she had actually had been rejected) were already bad enough, but to add to that, there was the fact that she had run away from Kanako without allowing her to finish. Despite her reluctance, there was still a part of Haruna that wanted to know the rest of what Kanako was going to say.
Unfortunately, that part of her had only a small voice. It was drowned out by the overwhelming tidal wave that was Haruna's fear. She never knew that the fear of being rejected could be so strong. Had she felt this way about Akio? Looking back, she remembered being nervous, but she had figured the worst that would happen would be she would just get turned down.
And yet, when it came to Kanako, Haruna was a mess. Was it because of their past that caused her to get so worried? "I already lost her from my life once… what would I do if it happened again?" Haruna wondered. Perhaps that past did play a role, but Haruna could tell it was more than that. The feelings she held were like nothing she had ever experienced before. She wasn't just in love with Kanako, she was enamored by everything about her. And so, with feelings that strong, perhaps it did make sense that even the possibility of rejection stung so much.
It seemed reasonable that Haruna would want to push all of these thoughts down as much as she could. But, for as much as she tried, there was still a lot of it she couldn't ignore. After all, it was practically the only thing on her mind. Due to her ankle injury, she didn't have a club that could distract her anymore, and it wasn't like she had a whole lot of hobbies either. Outside of watching TV or hanging out with Chiyo, Haruna did very little with her time. "Although, now that I think about it, a lot of free time has been spent with Kanako…"
Her thoughts immediately shifted back to the girl in her head. "Ugh…" she groaned. "Why does it have to be like this?" Then she paused. "...No, I guess it doesn't have to be. I could just go talk to her. But, I just…"
She was too afraid, and with each passing day, that fear only seemed to get worse. For each day that went by, the awkwardness grew too, leading to a bundle of emotions that Haruna preferred to just leave tied up in a corner rather than actually confront. "At this point, what would I even say? 'Hey, finish your sentence on Christmas'? That would just be so random."
As Haruna continued to lay on her bed, she could hear nothing except the silence of her house. Usually, her parents stayed home on New Year's. The Endo family didn't have anybody to go visit nearby, and nearly every year they never made any special plans. However, this year, apparently Haruna's parents had been invited to some party that they felt obligated to attend, so she had been left alone. That wouldn't have been so bad had it not been for the agony that Haruna found herself in. With no one else around, how was she supposed to distract herself?
For a moment, she considered calling Chiyo. That was something she had done numerous times since Christmas, and in fact, she had received several calls from the gal herself, though they all went unanswered. There was a growing pile of text messages too, but Haruna didn't even bother to look at them. That only contributed more to her guilt.
Haruna knew that it would probably be good for her to talk to Chiyo. After all, it seemed like she always had all the answers. And yet, Haruna continued to make no move for her phone. She just couldn't bring herself to talk to anyone. Even if she could, what would she say? Was there even a good way to explain what had happened? "Then again, if I just told Chiyo, she'd probably understand somehow…" Haruna thought.
The feelings that prevented Haruna from doing what she knew she should felt binding. No matter how much she reached out her hand, there was just simply no way she could grasp what she wanted. Instead, she felt helpless and alone. Was this how rejection felt? It almost seemed like there was more, or at the very least, there should be more. Surely it wasn't just rejection, or the fear of it, that was the only thing making Haruna feel the way she was.
However, whatever the name for that feeling was, it eluded her. Trying to grab a hold of it was no different than her futile efforts to grasp what she wanted. It seemed important for her to find out what exactly that feeling was that paired with her rejection, but until Haruna could figure it out, she was stuck.
*****
On New Year's Day, Haruna sat alone in her house. She had been invited by Chiyo to go out, but Haruna ignored her message just like all the others. So instead, Haruna simply sat in the living room and sulked. "...I'm acting so childish…" she thought, but she didn't change what she was doing. She saw no reason to do so. After all, if she did change her mind and decided to go out, wouldn't that increase her odds of running into Kanako?
Tucked away, Haruna sat in silence on the couch, staring up at the clock on the wall. She watched as the seconds ticked by, slowly transitioning into minutes and then hours. The whole time, she did her best to keep her mind blank, although her efforts seemed to be in vain. Periodically, she'd catch herself looking in the direction of Kanako's house.
"I wonder what she's doing today…" Haruna thought idly. Thinking about it, she almost found it funny that only a few short weeks ago she had considered asking Kanako to go out with her to a shrine at midnight for New Year's. "I can't believe it ended up like this…"
Despite all her doubts, there had been a part of Haruna that had felt like maybe they were actually really close to becoming a couple. There had certainly been moments that made Haruna wonder if maybe Kanako felt the same way as she did. However, those moments had proven to not be strong enough against her own self-crafted negativity, which had led to the situation she was in now.
Then, just as Haruna was about to go down that path of thought again, she heard a knock at the door. "Someone's here on New Year's?" she thought, getting up to answer the door. But as she walked toward the entryway, she stopped. "Wait… what if it's Kanako?" It was a question that came solely from what Haruna had been thinking about earlier, but considering how unusual it was for someone to be at her house on the holidays, it wasn't impossible either for the person to be someone from next door.
Deciding to be cautious, Haruna moved away from the door and made her way to the window that would provide her with the best view to see outside. Very lightly, she pulled back the curtain just enough so she could find out who had arrived. "Oh God…" she let slip out.
Sure enough, it was Kanako. Staring at her through the slit in the curtains, she seemed to be in a good mood. "Is she just here for holiday greetings?" Haruna wondered, not wanting to consider the only viable alternative. "...I really don't want to talk to her…"
Slipping away, Haruna carefully put back the curtain. She began to head back toward the living room, but as she did, she heard her name. "H-Haruna?" Kanako called. "Are you home?" In response, Haruna froze. In contrast to her paralyzed body, her heart beat hard against her chest. Her palms began to dampen. In that moment, it was truly evident just how fearful Haruna had become of interacting with Kanako. She was so afraid that the next time they talked, she'd have to hear the rest of what Kanako had been trying to say on Christmas. "And if she's rejecting me, I…"
Bit by bit, Haruna willed her body to move. She forced it to take step after step back to the living room, before finally managing to reach her seat. Then she sat down and pulled her knees up to her chest. It hurt. It all just… hurt. "This is so stupid…" Haruna sighed, her own voice shaky.
After sitting quietly for a bit, Haruna got up and checked outside again. Kanako was gone. "Maybe she just thought I wasn't home," she thought. That had been what Haruna wanted anyways, and yet, she couldn't deny that a part of her felt a little disappointed that Kanako hadn't tried harder or waited around longer.
"Disappointed…?" Haruna repeated. "What the hell is with that…? Like I have any right… to feel that way…"
*****
Within the next couple of days, Haruna received several calls and texts from Kanako. Although, even though she saw them light up the screen of her phone, she never checked them. The fear of hearing what Kanako might say had taken a strong grip strong on Haruna's heart. It became worse the more she avoided Kanako too, but she still continued to do so. If she saw Kanako and heard what she had to say, it would probably relieve the fear that Haruna held, but at the same time, that possibility opened the door for other, even worse outcomes. Knowing that, Haruna felt like she was choosing the lesser of two evils by trying to keep her distance.
Looked at from another angle, it was like one cruel joke. For weeks, Haruna believed she had felt a sense of distance forming between her and Kanako. Whether she had imagined it or it was real, she wasn't sure, but it was something Haruna had thought about a lot. She had worried and agonized over it, and it had ultimately led to her current situation. However, unlike then, Haruna truly was creating distance now. What she had perhaps imagined before was now real, and it was entirely because of her.
"This sucks…" she muttered to the dark of her room. She had been laying on her bed the whole time, something she had been doing a lot of recently. But, just as she was about to go back into thought, she heard someone at the front door. Curious, she got up and put her ear to her bedroom door to see if she could hear anything, but just as she did-
"Haruna, Kana-chan is here!"
Time stopped. Haruna's muscles froze. That was the first and last thing she wanted to hear. "Kanako's… here?" she repeated internally. When she had been home alone, it was easy enough for Haruna to ignore Kanako and just pretend no one was home, but now that her parents were back from their party… "What should I do?" Haruna wondered in a panic.
Obviously, opening the door was an option. She could just open it and greet Kanako like normal, say a couple of formal holiday phrases, and then send her on her way. "But… I get the feeling that won't work…" Haruna thought. Kanako could be stubborn when she wanted to be. If Haruna tried to rush her along, it was possible Kanako would refuse to leave until she was heard. "In that case…"
Before Haruna knew it, there was a knock at her door. "H-Haruna?" Kanako called from the other side. "She's here…" Haruna thought. "She's right here…" Her heart was racing so fast she was sure it would burst. Her hands became warm and started to sweat. Her breathing became shallow. And then, while Haruna began to panic more, she heard Kanako's next words. "I-I'm coming in!"
Immediately, Haruna's eyes bulged. "NO!" she shrieked inside. Swiftly, she reached out for the lock on the door, managing to turn it just in time as she heard a click on the other side. "Huh?" Kanako let out. "Thank goodness," Haruna sighed to herself, but then she was hit with a wave of guilt. "Thank goodness?" she repeated. "How long has it been since I was happy to not see Kanako?"
Of course, calling it happiness wasn't quite right either. Where as in the past Haruna had been happy to keep as much distance between her and Kanako as possible, now, it was more like she felt relief at not having to interact with her. Although, understanding that did little to actually make herself feel better.
"Haruna, you in there?" Kanako called again. Hearing her voice made Haruna's heart seize in pain. "Haruna?" She could hardly take it. "Kanako…" Haruna breathed, her forehead coming to thump lightly against the door. She lifted her hand and pressed it to the wooden surface, like she was trying to reach the person behind it.
A few moments of silence passed. Then, just as Haruna was beginning to think Kanako might've left, she heard her speak again."Haruna…" she began. "I don't know if you're listening, but if you are… I want to talk to you."
She clenched her teeth. Her fingers bent, like she was trying to grab onto the door. Haruna's entire body shook.
"I know things have been pretty awkward between us since Christmas, but… I don't want to lose you."
"I don't want that either… but...!" Haruna thought.
"So please, open the door. Let's talk about what happened. Let me… let me finish what I was saying…"
"I want to! I want to know! But I… I just…" Haruna thought, not letting those words slip out. "I'm so scared… of what you might say…" Truly, it brought her so much pain. Given, much of it was self-inflicted, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt any less. "Kanako…"
Slowly, Haruna sank to her knees. She couldn't stand anymore, her fear, pain and the emotional whirlwind inside of her robbing her of her legs. All she could do was stare at the floor, and as she did, she saw one small droplet hit the surface beneath her. It was followed by another, and then another. It was slow, like a dripping faucet, but one by one, tears fell from Haruna's eyes.
It was only a couple minutes later when Kanako left. Haruna listened as she heard the girl go down the steps and reach the front door. However, she herself didn't move from her spot on the floor. Haruna remained where she was, not seeing Kanako off or making a desperate attempt to stop her.
Once Kanako was gone, another set of footsteps made their way up the stairs. Whoever it was tried to open the door, but found it was locked. "Haruna, unlock this door right now," a stern voice said from the other side. With little strength, Haruna reached up and turned the lock.
"Now listen you- Huh? Why is it so dark in here? And where…" her mother said before finally looking down. "Haruna?" At her feet was her daughter, sitting on her knees with her head hung. "Haruna, are you okay?" her mother asked, crouching down next to her and putting her hand on Haruna's back. Slowly, Haruna turned and then leaned forward, until her head had landed lightly on her mother's shoulder. "What's wrong?" she asked, but Haruna didn't say anything. She didn't want to, and really, she wasn't sure if her voice would even work properly if she tried. So instead, she stayed in the position she was in, wanting someone, anyone, to help relieve her of the pain she felt in her chest.
*****
When the first day of the new school term came around, Haruna awoke with a great amount of dread. She had one major concern on her mind right away. "How am I going to avoid Kanako at school?" she wondered. It was one thing at home, where she could just hide away, but at school, there was really nowhere to go. "Ugh…" Haruna groaned as she got out of bed.
Slowly, she put on the Iwanai Municipal High School uniform, finishing by tying the green bow and letting it rest right on her flat chest. Looking at herself in the mirror, she sighed. "I'm don't really care that much about my looks but… I really do look terrible…" Haruna had tried her best to flatten out her hair, but it hadn't gone so well, with several parts still jutting out one way or the other. Her eyes sagged a bit, mostly due to her lack of sleep, and Haruna swore that she seemed paler than before.
Giving up on fixing any of it, Haruna went over to check the time on her phone. In doing so, the last bit of sleepiness hanging over her vanished. "Shit!" she exclaimed. Currently, she was running late. "Great, this is just what I needed!" she complained as she rushed. "I'm so gonna get a lecture for this!"
Grabbing the last of what she needed, Haruna bolted out the door. "Damn it! Why did this have to happen on the first day of the term?!" she shouted as she ran. Sure, she wanted to find some way to avoid Kanako, but this wasn't exactly what she had in mind.
Finally, the large, rectangular-shaped, off-white school building came into view. It was nothing fancy by big city standards, but Iwanai High boasted several floors and an abundance of rooms for both classes and club activities. Really, it was one more the most modern places in town. Although, for as modern as it was, some things still remained old-fashioned, like having a teacher standing guard, watching for late students.
As luck would have it, the teacher guarding the gate was none other than Mr. Sugiwara, a very large and imposing man with a deep voice to match. Personally, Haruna held a bit of a grudge against him. It was partially his fault that she had gotten locked in the storage shed with Kanako back during the sports festival. Because of that, several events happened, including Haruna ending up passed out from a squeezed abdomen on a window sill.
Slowing down her approach, Haruna managed to get down to a walk as she reached the looming figure. Her ankle was throbbing thanks to her running, and now she had to deal with a teacher that was strict and seemingly always angry. "Name?" his voice boomed. "Haruna Endo…" the girl sighed. "Endo-san… right. You're officially marked as late! You can either stay after class today and clean, or you can write an essay reflecting on your tardiness and give it to me tomorrow."
Haruna gave her options some thought. She wasn't really a big fan of writing, but when she thought about what staying after school could mean, she reconsidered. "If I stay after, that increases the odds of me seeing Kanako. Knowing her, I'm sure she'll be looking for me." So, with that in mind, Haruna let out yet another sigh and said, "I'll do the essay…"
After that, Haruna made her way to her classroom, where she received another admonishment about being late, especially on the first day of a new term. Once that was over, she was finally allowed to take her seat. "Hey, what's up Haru-chi?" Chiyo whispered from her seat next to Haruna, which was possible thanks to the new seating chart for the term. "Can't believe you of all people were late. You oversleep or somethin'?" In response, Haruna nodded. "Kinda. Just lost track of time really…" Next to her, Chiyo let out a suspicious "Hmm?" but didn't press any further.
When lunch time came around, Haruna made sure to move quickly. She didn't want to risk Kanako coming to find her. "Huh? Haru-chi, where're ya goin'?" Chiyo asked. "Ah, um… M-Me and Kanako made plans to eat together, so… yeah," Haruna explained shoddily. "Really? Wait, does that mean-" "Gotta go!" Haruna said, cutting her off. The other person she had been ignoring all of winter break was Chiyo, and now she was starting to avoid her too. "God, now I really feel terrible…"
Weaving her way through the halls, Haruna thought about what had just happened. "I really shouldn't do that to Chiyo… After all, she's always been there for me. If anyone could help me right now, I'm sure she could…" However, for the time being, Haruna decided to leave that issue alone. For now, her main priority was getting away from Kanako.
As soon as she had left the classroom, Haruna had just barely caught Chiyo's voice greeting Kanako. "That was too close…" she thought. Then, after going up another flight of stairs, Haruna stopped on the top floor in a corner a bit removed from the main hallways. Taking a seat, Haruna began eating, but after several bites, she stopped and looked around.
There wasn't a soul in sight. She could hear people in the distance, but there was no one around her. No Kanako. No Jasmine. No Chiyo. Slowly, Haruna set her chopsticks down. "This is just depressing…" she mumbled. What was she doing anyways? It was one thing to be avoiding Kanako, but to even extend that to Jasmine and Chiyo? "That's just stupid…" Haruna told herself.
Looking back, it was mostly thanks to Jasmine and Chiyo that she had managed to get as far as she had. And yet, now that she had seemingly reached a big point in her love life, Haruna was trying to handle it all on her own. Or, perhaps "handle" wasn't the right word. More accurately, Haruna was trying to carry all of her fears and worries by herself while inadvertently letting them leak out onto the friendships that supported her.
Love and fear are arguably the two most powerful feelings a person can experience. They can drive you forward, hold you back and turn you around in all sorts of ways. To a certain degree, it can be argued that love and fear almost go hand in hand. The thrill of love. The fear of rejection. They're linked, but only by a carefully maintained balance. Lose that balance, and one's emotions can suddenly become much more complicated.
For Haruna, her fear had overtaken her love, but with the two still combined together, it created a volatile storm inside of her. Haruna's love for Kanako was strong, but because of that, so was her fear. When faced with the possibility of being rejected, it was too much for Haruna to handle, which ultimately destroyed the necessary balance between her own love and fear. It didn't help that the scales were already being tipped, but that Christmas night served as the killing blow.
This was the nameless feeling that Haruna had been searching for before, and that loss of balance. It was also because of that overtaking fear that Haruna had decided to isolate herself. All throughout winter break, she had remained separate not only from Kanako, but from Chiyo and Jasmine too. And now, as she sat in the corner of a scarcely-used hallway, Haruna realized how much of a mistake that was.
Maybe she couldn't face Kanako. Maybe she lacked the courage or the spine. Maybe she was too afraid to hear the rest of what Kanako tried to say on Christmas.
But.
In the past, through all of her troubles, who had been there? Who helped her when she needed it? Who gave her a hand, even if she didn't ask for it? Who supported her, telling her to chase after her love?
Chiyo.
Jasmine.
Those two, to one extent or another, continuously gave her pushes on the back. And how had Haruna returned that kindness? When faced with a pinnacle moment, she ran away from it all, pushing away the friends that had helped to get her there. Although, "pushed away" was perhaps a bit strong, because Haruna hadn't even done that much. She had locked herself away for roughly two weeks, alone with her thoughts, and had chosen to ignore everyone else. Thanks to that, her fear of talking to Kanako had only grown, and now she found herself sitting alone in a corner, eating by herself.
This wasn't a moment of hardened resolve, nor was it a grand realization. It held a quiet voice in Haruna's heart, but in the silence, its volume boomed. While she continued to eat, Haruna made a decision. She'd talk to Chiyo and Jasmine. She knew it would be awkward and uncomfortable, but she was going to do it. "If I don't even try to tell them what's going on, I'll never get out of this mess," Haruna thought. "There's no way I can figure this out on my own. And I… want to. I want to be able to stand in front of Kanako and hear what she has to say, even if it's bad."
To do that, Haruna knew she needed her friends. She wasn't expecting a miracle. After all, with how strong her fear felt, she knew the road would probably be difficult. However, at least now, Haruna was determined to try.
When lunch ended, she made her way back to her classroom. After taking her seat, she looked over at Chiyo. To her surprise, the gal was looking right back at her, but it wasn't her typical cheery expression. Rather, it was a cross between a glare and a pout. "Have a nice lunch with Kana-chan?" she said. "Um, y-yeah," Haruna said, keeping up her original lie. "That's nice. I'm sure Kana-chan was happy to eat with you," Chiyo said, rubbing salt in the wound. It was at this point that Haruna was near-certain Chiyo had figured it out. "Kanako probably went to her to ask her where I was," she thought.
"Hey, Chiyo-" Haruna began to say, but before she could continue, the teacher started class. "Guess I'll just have to talk to her later." So Haruna sat in the class and stared blankly at the board ahead. Her mind felt muddled, but in a way, that was refreshing. Better muddled than hopeless, like she had felt before. "I can't believe it took me feeling pathetic in a corner for me to figure anything out…" Haruna thought with a sigh.
Once class was nearly over, Haruna was about to reach out to Chiyo when she suddenly remembered her original objective. "Kanako's gonna be here any second!" she thought in a panic. She may have figured out a thing or two earlier, but Haruna was still in no position to talk to the girl she was in love with.
"Hey Haru-chi-" Chiyo began to say, but was cut off. "Sorry Chiyo, I gotta go. There's something I need to do!" Haruna lied. All she was doing was avoiding Kanako, but without the full context, there was no way she could tell Chiyo just that. So, as fast as she could, Haruna gathered her things and dashed out the door the second it was time to leave.
Of course, Haruna knew there would be no avoiding Kanako if she just went straight to the doors. However, she also knew that Kanako would go to her classroom first to look for her. So, Haruna found the nearest turn and hid around it. After a few minutes had passed and she was sure Kanako had left her classroom, Haruna made her way out a side exit of the building before finally beginning to head home.
As she walked, Haruna felt extremely guilty. "Not only am I running away from Kanako, but I completely blew off Chiyo and lied to her face…" With the next day being Saturday, Haruna decided she'd invite Chiyo and Jasmine out. "I should explain everything to them… and while I'm at it, I should buy something for Chiyo too as an apology."
After a miserable winter break, Haruna was finally back on the right path. It was a long and winding one, but she was sure that if she stuck to it, maybe someday she'd finally reach what it was she wanted that waited for her at the end.
End of Chapter Two.
État de l’alimentation hebdomadaire
-- Classement
Power Stone 
-- Power
stone