Chapitre 51: Truth
I sit in this house all day, needing space, needing air and having none. I feel like I am drowning from all my emotions and memories. I don't think I can handle it any longer. I always kept everything together for the people around me. Always being strong and holding on, even when I was at my lowest. Even when Zero slept with Yuki, it tore me apart and I let it go. Or I made it seem that I did when just the meer thought ripped me apart.
And now yet, again I am trying to hold together, not wanting to hurt anyone. Trying to raise these babies, and push myself through, when I rather be anywhere but here.
I feed the babies and get myself dressed needing freedom. I just know I can't take them with me, so I have to wait for Ichiru to come home from work. The minutes seem like hours to me. I feel I have no one I can confide in, no one I can really trust. No one that would even believe half of what happened to me. Everything I feel has to be my own burdon. My older children have no idea of what really took place, they probably just feel I am going through a mid-life crisis or whatever their father is telling them. I could just imagine, as he hasn't been all that wonderful through this. He keeps wanting us to go back and when I refuse, he gets pissy and says nasty things. I know he is dealing with a lot also but at the moment I really do not need this. If I could just walk away leaving everything behind right at this moment, I would.
I sit on the sofa holding my purse in my lap waiting for Ichiru to return. Finally, it's going on six and he is home.
Ichiru walks in the door as he does every day, smiling at me, and going up to the babies. How long will this last? How long will he want to be here? I ask the same question every day to myself. Why would he want to be stuck in this hell? It was bad enough I was.
"Hey, how was your day?" Ichiru asks.
"It sucked like every other day. I can't sit here any longer, I need space I am going out tonight. I am sure you can take care of them alone, you seem pretty good at it." I answer.
Ichiru taken a bit back, she finally came clean with a bit of how she was feeling, instead of holding it in and saying she was fine.
"I understand things are not the way you want them to be. Just what do you mean by space?" Ichiru asks.
"I would like to run away and never come back but thanks to Zero and his freaking plan that's not on the agenda. I just need a few hours to be alone to forget this if I can. I will be back later." I answer walking out the door.
"I wish you would talk to me, Tell me whats going on!" Ichiru yells as I walk through the door.
I pay no attention to what he says I need out. I take a cab to the nearest bar and go in, taking a seat at the bar. I haven't drank in years. It was never really my thing, only doing it on special occasions. I have known people wanting to do it, to forget what is really going on in their life. So I figure why not give it a try? A night to forget all the pain, betrayal and everything else.
I sit there and drink one gin an tonic after another. Keeping to myself, just as I drink each drink, I feel even more hurt and pain. Will anything really take this away?
I sit on the sofa, feeding these two babies, wondering when their mother will come back. It's getting late and I am getting worried. Then who am I kidding, I been worried since she walked out the door. She isn't ever going to want me the way she wanted him, I see at this moment she doesn't want anything that reminders her of the past, and I am a big reminder. The fears that I been having during these months are coming to life. Just what is going to happen to these babies? What is going to happen to her?
Damn you brother, why did you do this? You left us to pick up the pieces of this mess. Pieces I feel can never be mended. You even added another person in all this that can get hurt, what good is having your children? When she can't even bear to look at them because they remind her of you? I sit there knowing this situation is getting too ahead. I doubt she will let me, or even wants to. I just wish I knew fully why. Why our friendship has died as well.
I bring the babies to their room putting them both to bed, not knowing when Alexa is coming home, or what condition she will be in. I just wish it would be soon as its now nine pm. This isn't like her at all, she never did this while married to my brother. She never walked away or needed space, at least not from him.
As I walk down the stairs I hear a cab pull up. I just wait on the stairs for the door to open. I feel some relief that she even came back. I just see that she is pretty plastered when she walks through the door. Something I have never seen from her before...I guess just another new thing.
."Where have you been?" Ichiru asks.
"Why do you really even care?" I snap.
"Why are you like this? What the hell are you becoming? This isn't you!" Ichiru yells.
"Why am I like this? Why not ask your brother? Ohhhh that's right you can't, he isn't here anymore He just upped and left us to fend for ourselves. And how the hell do you know what is me or not?" I hiss back.
"I know you're going through a lot of things, So am I! He was my brother also, he didn't only leave you, he left me as well. You just seem to forget that. I know a lot about you, I have been watching you for the whole ten years he was married to you. I know you better than yourself." Ichiru answers.
"Going through a lot? If my husband would have just passed away, that was going through a lot, Him leaving me like this, bringing two infants into it, giving me back years, for what? To go through all the hell again? Just this time it's worse, I don't have a reason for any of it. I left my husband and old life for him! I gave him everything!! For what? For him to screw Yuki and always wonder how she was? Now he is probably back with her where leaving me like this!" I shout.
"I know your hurting, but he isn't with her anywhere. He didn't leave you go back to her. He had no choice this time. You do know he loved you, really loved you at the end. No matter how I would like to put him down, I can't. I know how he felt at the end, it hurt him to leave you. I know his way wasn't the best. He meant well, it just doesn't seem to be working. You do know you can talk to me, that I understand, I am here for you." Ichiru replies.
"I don't know what I believe anymore. And why Ichiru, why confide in you? Trust in you? You're going to get tired of this situation and leave anyway. How long are you going to want to play father to children that are not yours? To be with a woman who is confused, hurt and doesn't even know what she wants? Why would you want to? You're a single man, who is free, you have no worries about being sent back, you can be anywhere you want, with anyone you want." I respond with tears.
"That's why you're pushing me away? Why you don't come to me like you use to??? It all makes so much sense now, your scared if you get close to me as you did him, I will disappear on you too." Ichiru comments.
"Why not? What is another Kiryu disappearing? YOu have a freaking Yuki in the closet that I don't know about?" I state.
Ichiru starts laughing. "Omg No, you don't see that you are my Yuki? My own brother was Kaname to me? How I watched in the wings, how I wanted what he had with you for myself? He saw it, he approved of it at the end so we would be happy. I know deep down you know that. I would never leave you, I didn't leave you. I could have just left with him, but I wanted to stay for you, with you. I know he left you feeling so many things, with so many doubts, but I am not him. I love you, and I have for a very long time." Ichiru admits.
I stand there just looking at him, my brain foggy from the mixture of drinks and all that is going on. Can I trust him? Is this just all a lie or he is real?
I walk up to her putting my arms around her, "I am not going anywhere. I really do want you and these babies. I don't feel like they are not mine I been here from the start, I just don't go signing anyone's birth certificates you know." He adds.
I feel so safe in his arms, and so tried. It's so much to take in, so much to let go of.
"I hope you don't," I say trying to make a joke when deep down, I'm not joking at all.
We go over to the sofa and take a seat, getting into our nightly sleep positions, for the first time in a long time, I am so tired I can't stay awake.
Finally, Alexa falls asleep, I just hope that she understands now that I am not going anywhere. Wow, Zero you really did mess her up, in more ways than I ever realized. I do have a lot to fix and it's going to take a while but I am not giving up. She wants to be able to trust, she wants someone who will love her and only her without any doubts. That's me like I said you were my Kaname, and with you, you let her feel the way you did when Kaname was with Yuki. I see its a pattern that needs to be broken. In order to do that, I need to show and be me, be with her no matter what, showing her there is no one else but her.
I have to admit she is pretty pissed at you dear brother, she didn't really see your intentions, I do. I know you wanted her to live life the way she wanted to in the past, she just can't go back. Things are way to complicated to do that now, you gave her two children, she knows Joel would always hold that over her head. Then most men would..that's not an easy thing to get over. Not to mention, she is used to the life you two shared, it's hard for her to give that up. I see things more clearly now, that she opened up a bit Its all I needed to make this better.
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Denise_M_
Denise_M_ Creation is hard, cheer me up!
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