Chapitre 3: One — Stare
Diary Entry No. 1
~~o0o~~
My name is Carrie. Age 33. CPA. Uhmm... What else should I write? Well, I have diaries before but that was way way back in high school so I really forgot how to start. Ano pa ba? Hmm... I'm a widow with two kids. My former husband, Masahiro Takahashi, died 8 years ago.
I met him in Japan when I was 23. I was working there as an accountant in a company based in Tokyo. I worked in the company's Philippine base for half a year then I was sent to Tokyo because of my "talents and expertise", they said. But let us not dwell into that. I met him when I was on my way to a "live" of my favorite Japanese rock band. Oh no, he's not a fan. He is 20 years older than me. I bumped into him outside the concert grounds. You know, me being clumsy and all that.
Naglalakad ako noon patungo sa direksyon ng Tokyo Dome at nangingiting tinititigan ang hawak kong ticket. Sobrang excited ko lang kasi. Sino ba naman ang 'di matutuwa? I'm lucky enough to be able to grab a ticket for myself during the lottery. (In Japan, if the artist or band is really popular and the expected demand is really high, those who will get the tickets were decided by lottery). Nasa bandang harapan pa ako ng stage... Oh my gosh!! I'm literally screaming inside. And they're performing again on TOKYO DOME!!! It's Japan's largest dome with a capacity of 55,000 up to 70,000 people. Given that the number of people attending is at the maximum capacity, just imagine how jam-packed that is.
Ang tagal kong hinintay 'to! Hindi ako nakapunta sa concert nila sa Pilipinas kaya sobrang tuwa ko talaga! First time ko silang makikita ng live!
Naglakad ako papasok nang hindi nakatingin sa daan kaya 'di ko namalayan ang isang grupo ng kabataang cosplayers na galing sa isang event malapit doon. Hindi rin nila ako namalayan kaya 'yon, nabunggo nila ako. Lumipad mula sa kamay ko 'yong ticket ko kaya hinabol ko.
Good news: I got the ticket.
Bad news: I tripped.
Good news: someone managed to catch me.
Bad news: that someone was one of Japan's important business personalities, but I didn't know it back then.
He was there together with some group of people when I suddenly popped up and he catched me. By the time I realized what had happened, everybody with him was looking at me like I was a ghost.
As what I can sense from the way they were dressed, they look like some really important people. I immediately apologized for the trouble that I had caused.
He then asked me for my name. I hesitated. Like, why is he asking me my name? Will I be arrested for causing trouble? Oh-oh, I'll be sooooo doomed. But I gave him my name anyway.
I got nervous when he stared at me. He then laughed because he thought that I was a Japanese. I was shocked when he spoke in straight English after. Without thinking, I asked him: "You can speak English?!" I wanted to punch myself after for saying that.
He said: "Yes." Then he saw the ticket that I was holding. He told me that I should go since it's already time for the concert.
I looked at my wristwatch and realized he was right. I apologized again and excused myself. Then I immediately ran from there. The dome was still a bit far from where I was that I wished I had wings. Luckily, I made it on time.
After all the screaming, jumping and everything crazy, I left the concert grounds grinning. I was excited to tell the kids how wonderful the concert was. I promised them that I would bring them to one someday, when I have saved enough and will be able to get them to live with me in Tokyo.
I never expected that my life would change drastically after that night. The next day, I was shocked to see the person I bumped into in our VP Finance's office. My colleagues told me that they were best friends since middle school and Mr. Takahashi just came for a visit.
Simula noong araw na 'yon, at least once a week na siyang napapadaan sa opisina. Naging madalas ang pagku-kwentuhan namin. He told me that he's widowed 5 years ago and he had an 18-year old son.
We became friends at 'di naglaon ay nagtapat siya na interesado siya sa 'kin kahit na alam niya ang nakaraan ko. I'm hesitant sa umpisa kasi bakit naman siya magkaka-interes sa 'kin but as the time passed ay nakita ko naman ang sinseridad niya.
He asked me for marriage 6 months after. He treated my then 7-year old twins na parang mga anak na rin niya. His son, Shoota, was really kind, too, and treated my kids as his own little brother and sister.
We all lived together for a year when Masahiro fell ill. Matagal na pala siyang may sakit but he and his son kept it a secret from us. Shoota told me na kaya lang nagpakasal ulit ang ama niya kasi iyon ang huling kahilingan ng kanyang ina bago ito nawala. But that doesn't mean his father does not care for me or my kids. Gusto daw nitong magkaroon ng katuwang sa buhay sa nalalabi nitong mga araw at maging masaya ulit na naibigay naman daw namin sa kanya.
We spent his last days watching the beautiful scenery around Mount Fuji. He told me that he brought Shoota's mother there on their first date. She was a mountain climber.
I was pulling his wheelchair as we toured the place after we visited the Fujisan Hongu Sengen Taisha and paid respects to Konohanasakuya-hime, the goddess of Mount Fuji. Shoota and the twins were playing around which left us a time together.
Then I asked: "You still really love her, don't you?"
He looked at me with worried eyes. I smiled at him as if saying that it's okay, I understand. Then he said that it seems that I am not the only one who can't easily move on. He was referring to my past love.
He then asked: "When can we move on? I wonder. Maybe we won't be able to." Then he chuckled.
I laughed, too, thinking that maybe he was right about that. We were both victims of ill-fated love. If you ask me what kind of life we had while we were married, all I can say is that we spent our time as best friends that are living together, sharing our heartaches with each other and enjoying each other's company.
I was shocked when he suddenly told me that I should go home and find the one that will truly make me happy. I didn't get what he meant at first and told him in return that I am happy with him, Shoota, and the twins. But he insisted that I cannot be truly happy with him. He made me promise that when he's gone, I should go back and retrieve what I have lost. I wanted to argue but he stopped me.
"Carrie. Listen carefully. I love you," he said while looking straight into my eyes. "I really do and I want to see you happy. That is what I wish for you. I'm setting you free."
After he said all that, 'di ko namalayan na lumuluha na pala ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang dapat kong maramdaman. I hugged him tight. I don't think someone like me deserves someone as kind as he is.
May hinugot siyang isang brown envelope mula sa compartment ng wheelchair at iniabot iyon sa akin. Nanginginig ang kamay na kinuha ko iyon at binuksan. Laking gulat ko nang mapagtanto ko ang nilalaman niyon.
Divorce papers.
I scanned through the pages. Pirma ko na lang ang kulang.
Naguguluhan akong bumaling sa kanya. Nginitian niya muna ako bago nagsalita ulit.
"I am really thankful that you came into my life, Carrie. Don't ever think that you do not deserve it," he said as if reading my mind. "You gave me the joy of having a company who can share both happiness and sadness with each other. Because of you, me and Shoota learned to open our hearts for the world again, which we never thought we could do after Yuuko died. Continue being what you are. And be true to yourself. I really wish for your true happiness. Remember that."
I still can't forget what he said to me that day. He died two weeks after.
Even though I already told him that he doesn't have to give me anything, my kids and I still received our inheritance from his estate as written in his last will. He gave me the ownership of the Philippine beverage company that he bought three years ago. The twins received time deposit accounts and shares of stock while all of his remaining properties were inherited by his son.
That beverage company was on the verge of bankruptcy when he acquired it and restored its former glory within three years. I returned to the Philippines a month after Masahiro's burial to manage the business he left me. Bumabalik lang ako buwan-buwan sa Tokyo para makita ang mga anak ko. Doon ko sila pinag-aral. Even if he's busy with his duties as the young new chairman of his father's company, Shoota took care of them there while I'm gone.
But when the twins finished their first year in Junior High School and Shoota decided to settle down and get married to his long time girlfriend, nagdesisyon akong sa Pilipinas na lang patapusin ng pag-aaral ang mga bata. Pinipigilan kami ni Shoota pero gusto ko talagang makapagsarili sila ng bubuuin niyang pamilya sa bahay na iniwan sa kanya ng ama.
Dahil limang taon lang ang agwat namin, parang nakatatandang kapatid na ang turing niya sa akin kaya ganoon na lang ang pagpigil niya na huwag kaming umalis. Pero pumayag na din siya nang sabihin kong iyon ang hiling ng ama niya, na umuwi kami ng Pilipinas.
We went home two days after his wedding. We go back there every year during Christmas at dito naman kami nagba-bagong taon sa Pilipinas kasama ang mga kapamilya ko sa probinsiya namin. Minsan naman, nagbabakasyon sila ng asawa niyang si Naoko kasama ang anak nilang lalaki dito sa bansa.
Years went by and Leo and Lucy were already on their last year in Senior High School. Noong una, inakala ko talaga na magiging okay lang ang lahat if I send them to my previous school. I thought there won't be a problem kasi wala na doon ang mga taong iniiwasan kong makita.
But I was wrong.
Hindi ko kasi inaakala na kasisimula pa lang ng school year, ipatatawag na ako ng principal dahil may gulo daw na pinasok ang mga anak ko. Nagulat ako nang malaman ko kasi kahit kailan, hindi ako nagka-problema pagdating sa school at studies nila. And I went there this morning. Lunes pa nga lang ngayon pero ang dami ko nang iniisip.
Kagabi ko pa lang nakausap ang mga anak ko tungkol sa nangyari. During weekends and school breaks lang kasi kami nagkakasama-samang tatlo. Their school have dormitories where students would stay during school days. 'Tapos, nasa kanila na kung uuwi sila during weekends. It's pretty convenient for those students na sa malalayo nakatira, gaya ko noong doon pa 'ko nag-aaral.
Leo explained to me last night over dinner that Lucy rejected Robert, her suitor, and because of that, nagwawala ito. Anak kasi daw ito ng mayor ng city kaya mala-high and mighty ito kung umasta.
Lucy even said that Nico, his brother's best friend, and her Leo-nii just protected her from Robert and his friends at mga ito naman daw talaga ang nagsimula ng gulo.
She calls his twin brother Leo-nii (or Kuya Leo) because he insists that he should be called as such kasi una siyang lumabas nang ipananganak sila which means he's older and must protect his "little sister" from harm. He's kind of over-protective sometimes.
I told them that I believe in what they said. I suggested to Leo na 'wag na muna siyang pumasok dahil may mga sugat pa siya at baka kailangan niya ng pahinga. But he insisted that he need to be present today para ma-beat niya ang high score na nakuha ni Lucy sa practical test nila last week.
I just smiled. Wala na 'kong magagawa. They both love each other but when it comes to competition, wala talagang nagpapatalo sa kanila. Nadamay pa nga ako sa kanilang "contest". They are competing kasi kung sino ang magiging Class Valedictorian at ang mananalo ang magde-decide kung saan ise-celebrate ang graduation nila. They even made me pinky swear.
I drove to Goldwest Fields School this morning. The twins waited for me in the school's parking lot. We then made our way to the Principal's Office.
I looked around. I really did miss that place. Those memories are coming back and I suddenly felt nostalgic.
A bunch of people were already inside when we got in, but only one person caught my attention. My heart skipped a beat.
'No way', I told myself. This can't be happening. Why is he here? 'Di ba nasa America siya? I thought doon na siya nakatira. Kailan pa siya nakabalik?
Hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. Gusto kong lumabas pero parang nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan ko. When he noticed me, tila ba tinutusok ako ng matatalim niyang tingin. I don't know how long our staring game lasted basta nakabalik lang ako sa katinuan nang maramdaman ko ang pagtawag sa 'kin ni Lucy. Tinatanong niya ako kung ayos lang ba ako kasi nakatunganga lang ako doon at hindi nakikinig sa sinasabi ng Principal nila na maupo na ako.
Tumango lang ako. Then the principal talked to me and told me again that I should take a seat so that we can start. I followed her and sat on the chair near her table.
I can't hear anything that she was saying afterwards. All I can hear was the fast beating of my heart. Pakiramdam ko 'di na ako makahinga. I can also feel the stares he was giving me. Pinipilit kong 'wag lumingon at baka himatayin na talaga ako sa kaba.
'Lord please help me', naisaisip ko na lang.
Now I regret sending the twins there.
État de l’alimentation hebdomadaire
-- Classement
Power Stone 
-- Power
stone