Chapitre 11: The Painful Feeling Called Love
Through the thick blood-red linen drapes, pierced the last hour of sunlight. The curtains glowed, as if set ablaze, permitting only the smallest fracture of light to illuminate a scene beyond the crimson veil.
The sound of clattering metal, as it fell and clanged onto the polished wooden floorboards. A loud thump followed like an echo, as well as the horrible sound of shattering china.
Emerging underneath even the smallest pieces of slivered glass, the dark texture of tea dribbled ever so gradually around, seeping into the carpet beside it. Smudging its lavish design with a distasteful shade of dark brown.
Thankfully, the hallway that held this unprecedented blunder was barren of the other sole occupants living in the once, noisy mansion.
Realizing this, Rem, exhaled a great sigh of relief.
The gleaming metal platter in her hands she gently placed beside her, adjacent to a small teaspoon jumbled by the fall. With care, and with quicken pace, she began picking the pieces of white. Ridding the evidence of a slight mishap with unnecessary haste.
To the platter, they went chinking and clunking with every new piece placed atop another.
The repeated steps she took began to show their challenge, under the weary condition she was in the effect of. Her hand slowed in the process and felt as if an intense weight immobilized her arm outstretched.
Undaunted, she took a breath, large, slow.
Her mind once cluttered, was stamped of everything, a total blank. Nothing became the only thing she was aware of, darkness enveloping her in that one moment of an attempted easement, her head swayed and she felt the weight of it, eyes snapping back again into reality, in time to stop herself from collapsing forward. Mind, now aching and pounding more than ever before.
A finger stung, then something trickled downwards.
Another sigh she exhaled, with gloom as opposed to relief, examining the consequence of a risk carelessly took, the bead of scarlet on her fingertip growing in size.
It was a ridiculous thing to have happened, she thought to herself. Only a moron would fail and prick themselves at the simple task of picking up shattered glass. Only then, with a pang of unbearable pain that had nothing to do with cuts, did she visualize, a certain someone else making the same mistake she had, perhaps even, multiple times over.
"Rem?"
With her name called, her body stiffen harder than stone.
"I thought I heard the sound of a cup breaking..."
Still on bent knees, Rem turned slightly back, her bloodied finger hidden in a crumpled fist, to see as she had already known, the owner of the soft, inquiring voice.
Ram stood rooted, the scene she had come to witness still in the process of solving only for a moment until quick realization dawned on her face, which then turned to worry.
"It was you..."
Rem did not answer, the only sign of having heard, was turning back to resume collecting the remaining fragments with the uninjured hand.
"Is she still taking from you?" asked Ram, inching closer to her sister. "I had thought it was unneeded now. Why are you still letting her?"
It was hard to maintain focus. Fatigue nearing the verge of consuming what little energy she still kept reserve. Her words too, which were only aggravating to hear, only served to worsen her already battered spirits.
"I'm fine. She had already refrained from taking any more. This is nothing to fret over. I've merely been lost in thought."
Simply mustering the words to be said in an unconcern manner, stole already what little she had left of herself, but by some luck, managed it successfully. It was with dread that she realizes only more questions would come following her assurance, yet strangely, only silence came to greet her.
She gave a quick, surreptitious glance back and saw Ram's face in deep, silent contemplation. But what thought she was tending to, Rem did not know, nor did she want to know. Slightly uneasy, her own attention was reverted back to the last few pieces that remained.
"Rem..." Ram called a quick moment after. The sudden apprehension in tone brought suspicion and wonder to the blue-haired maid, and halted her movement, listening with head turned slightly, to hearken the words that followed, "... please stand up."
There was no escaping.
Yet, the weakness, feeble though her body was, it was worth a chance. Anything to better conceal the absolute exhaustion her body was howling with.
"Stand, Rem. Unless, you find the task too demanding of yourself to act upon..."
The last shard held loosely in her hand drained of color, rested again on the floorboard as her hand softly, with mustered energy, pushed against her thigh. This in turn, spawned another movement of her body, hunched forward seconds before, now straighten, strenuous effort being the sole depended to maintain the posture. Slowly, she rose, a leg, then another. Deep heavy breathing hiding beneath fast quiet gasps of air, until finally, she was standing straight, still and firm.
Only in appearance however, the grim actuality of it gripped her mind the moment she stood. It was if the heavy pounding in her head that she so had bared with ceased its spreeing, but what came in its place was a feeling of feathery lightness that tingled the mind. Yet if the fragile facade convinced Ram that she was in good health after all, she would endure anything to come, be it even the worst of it all.
This thought abruptly stop all others that were to come, in the next moment, her legs lacked receptivity, as if her nerves no longer were present. At the same time, all sense of self faded and a loud moan of discomfort escaped her lips agape, then her sight of the orange-lighted hallway, which too was already fading, entered an abyss of white inky void.
A loud thud came, one she was barely aware of hearing, an echo of it shot, audibly muffled, perhaps a cannon fired deep within hills? No, it was a silly thought to have... or maybe a dream? She didn't have a clue. Everything perceived, only came to her as a haze of cloudy white. The understanding she derived from this was that she was very tired.
A pleasant idea quickly joined the fray of thoughts disarrayed, one that brought with it a soothing calm somehow, a simple idea of a quick nap underneath the stars. That would be nice to partake in, to indulge in the cool breeze of dusk, awaiting with an aura of calm serenity, the arrival of the first white dots painting the skies. And maybe... perhaps the experience of it would be further enhanced accompanied. To chatter, exchange laughs, it would be a splendid thing to do.
Yet who is best suited, most yearned to slumber beside with?
Instinct honed by age suggested Ram. But with the image of the two of them gazing upon the starry night, she felt no satisfaction whatsoever by the thought. It was too simple, mundane and also very much familiar. No... it was someone else she craved to be with.
She already knew, always known. The boy, lax and carefree, hands strong and firm, yet somehow very gentle and light in hers. Childish, stubborn, and also very, very loud. The few things out of a million that she had come to cherish. Simply by uttering his name, she felt happy doing so, just simply to address him, call for him... the way it felt so natural, so pleasant to do. The name she had come to love above all else.
"Subaru-kun"
----------------
It was infuriating to hear.
Almost unbearable if at all.
Had she not been the one to console her in her time of unnecessary grief? Been the sole of voice of comfort and reason, when no others were?
So why?
The thought provoked a huge wave of irritation to drive through her. Ram, whom sat beside the bed, teeth in clenched aggravation, her eyes watchful of her sister, unconscious, immobile, yet breathing hard, chest rising and falling with strained effort.
Beads of sweat came trickling down the strands of her hair, which were damp, and stuck to her wet skin.
Why?
Ram was unable to comprehend, as she moved with bitterness to wipe the droplets of perspiration, feeling as she did, the blazing feverish hotness against her forehead. Always with the same care and tenderness, she moped Rem's face, now temporarily dormant of any form of acted deception.
How could she ever think she could hide it from her?
That too she didn't understand. All through life, who had been there? Certainly not him....
Why then?
She had done wiping, the cold wet cloth in her hands, now hung damply on the curved edges on a pail of icy water by her feet. The bedroom they were in, their own, illuminated by an oil lamp atop a drawer, the lone combatant against the darkness of the night. It had only been an hour since she had collapsed in the hallway, yet in spite of this, time itself would not hurry, as if deciding it best to halt its flow on the world, to stretch on forevermore, so that she could stay and ponder in deep utter resentment, the question that befuddled her for so long...
"Why do you still call for him?"
The inquiry she had spoken, words platted with the frustration of days, the confusion of weeks gone by, were wasted. The answer bestowed on her was only the silence, and the deep heavy breathing of slumber.
It was enough, she, everyone, Rem especially, has had enough. It was time to stop. No more should she suffer, always in agonizing discomfort, over something so stupid.
There was a sound of loud hurried scraping, the feet of wooden chair dragged against floorboards, and brisked footsteps. The click of a handle sinking downwards followed by the squeaking of hinges. Finally, what trailed the sounds that pestered the nightly silence, was a door, swinging to close, leaving the room with a presence of only one.
Door after door, floors, above and below, tenacity surging her forward in urgent pace. No amount of empty rooms will falter Ram's resolve, she will find her, and she will make her stop.
Endless, unceasing, each step to a hallway unchecked, a door unopened, only tended more to her anger, rising to limits rarely reached, expelling, and shown in the loud stomps of heels on the floorboards, the echoing slam of a door empty of life.
She needn't have worried of disruption or reprimands to her loud ruckus. Roswaal himself had stepped out, enigmatic in his reason for doing so, while Emilia, though almost as impotent as Rem, has chosen to keep her return brief, leaving for the ever draining task of gaining sympathizers to her cause, unfeasible as it may be.
Another room empty, another door closed. By nature, Ram knew her searches were narrowed to one last corridor and hurried towards it. Having reached it, she gave the fleetest thought to the outline of doors by the sides, as one of them of course, belonged to him, if only temporary.
The closest she opened, held nothing of interest, and swung it to a close. A few steps forwards guided her to the next, which too contained the littlest to acknowledge. The third, only then did she discover something to be heeded.
Voices, rapid and swift, for the quickest moment, before it was snuffed, and the silence of crickets came once more. Her hand at once found the handle, gripping it with much force and swung, eyes ready to meet, vexed, malevolent words at ready relishing to now utter.
A room vacant, unfurnished came to greet her. Dust sprinkled around the carpet-less floor, and the tall high-glass windows, fogged with neglect. The night barely translucent through. Her face betrayed her anger, subtle confusion passing by, before rage regain its footing, the door slammed with another reverberating clap across the dark hall, as she turned behind to face the only door that remained, his own.
Patience running dangerously thin, she plunged herself towards it, barely a walk, a hand on the handle, hesitancy practically nonexistent, the door thudded before swinging wide open with a sudden bashing from her shoulder. The handle slipped from her fingers, and she stepped forward, heels clacking on the granite-checkered floor, shelves brimming with the knowledge of thousands at the corner of her enraged vision, but there was only one thing she was there for.
"I thought the other one was bringing the tea? A bit late as well, but better late than never, I suppose."
Beatrice sat, indifferent, her eyes lazily at watch of Ram marching with expressive ill-intent on her face.
"You were suppose to stop! Finish! Wasn't that the orders Emilia-sama has given to you?!" Ram shouted with fury, both fists gripped tightly by her side under much needed self-restraint.
"I had stopped searching for her, as ordered." said Beatrice, glutted, her head tilting to rest on an arm. "I'm searching under the request of someone else, as you may have known already, I suppose."
"I order you to stop."
"And who are you to stop me? If your sister has no qualms about it, who are you to stop her?" Beatrice asked, ever stoic, ever passive.
"An hour ago, Rem collapsed. A finger was cut, her temperature was high, and her voice was strained. You have taken too much, too fast... why?"
"I had a hunch." answered Beatrice.
"A hunch?"
"I had a sudden thought of where that boy might be. Naturally, to pinpoint an exact location requires tremendous mana to achieve."
Ram stood in utter silence, fury was still present, but something else joined the barrage of stored rage - disbelief. It puzzled her, at lost at any semblance of answer. Rem had struggled, feigned ignorance of struggle, fainted of sheer fatigue, over a mere hunch?
"Have you found him then?" She asked finally, when no other words would come.
"No."
Blunt were her words, void of remorse, or concern of the repercussion of her doing. It further irked Ram, and the anger within convulsed, as did her hand, involuntary jerking in hostility, barely foiled by another act of great self-restraint. However the action did not go unperceived by Beatrice, whom raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Surely your intent wasn't to attack me, was it? To stop me from further taking, I suppose?"
"You will kill her if this persist." She growled, then finally all restraint had unleashed. "A month I had to put up with this stupid futile act! To see her heave and pant over the simplest of things! Toss and turn in the night, barely eating in the day! All for - for - that stupid, worthless, undeserving scum of the earth! Over and over I had told her to forget! To move on! Then I see her, sneaking out the room, to see you. To talk about him, discuss about him... as if - as if - her life depended on such... such trash!
"And you expect me to stand idly by and watch her destroy herself?! Try! Beatrice-sama, try! Try for some sympathy, if you truly know what's best for her, and if you know her suffering, then you will stop this foolishness! As you should have long ago!"
She heaved, eyes piercing like daggers, enough to tremble any normal being to submission. There was more left to say, countless, an infinite rant of rage that brink to the tip of her tongue.
"Why do you persist? Why do you do as Rem says?! What has she promised you?!"
"There's no gain... I've merely agreed. Her begging had just tired me, I suppose." Beatrice responded, drawling a slight yawn, which further irritated Ram. "You seem to be mistaken on something. I do not take in excess unless needed, it is her condition that I must abide by... to be searching every waking moment, I do not take enough to kill her. To exhaust her, however... she too was fine with it if it should occur."
Incredulity rippled across the glaring expression on her face, shock too came blowing through, and her mouth hung open, bafflement was apparent, her hands rose, clutching her hair in an almost crazed frenzy.
"Why?! Why would she go so far for him?! What had taken her, delusion her, to this brink of self-destruction?! Tell me, please! I don't know!"
Her rosy eyes met Beatrice's again but looked onward no longer with disdain, hatred had quickly vanished, swept and overwhelmed by a look slowly taking form, fearful and desperate.
"I too had told her the futility of the task presented, multiple times in fact, yet despite this, I continue to fall on deaf ears..."
"I beg of you..." Ram spoke, her voice was soft, smothered to a whisper, a pleading tone laced in her words. "...do not continue, please... for her sake. Stop. I'll do anything."
Beatrice rose another eyebrow and took a moment to consider the maid, drained of the relentless energy that brimmed every inch of her demeanor moments before.
"And what would you have me do, I suppose?"
The pleading aura remained stagnant, to stay and take hold, shaping the words she would speak next, "Anything you can, I don't care what it is that needs to be done. Just sever the connection you have... stop, no more... search no longer... please..."
Their eyes met in the briefest moment, glances exchanged, silence to occupy each other, as a moment's consideration happened. To unravel what thought hid beneath the tough mask of impassiveness was impossible to have done, yet it seemed, Ram had caught a flicker of indecision flurrying within her captivating patterned-like pupils.
Then, a hoarse voice, strangled and gruff, had them breaking tensed contact, familiar softness amidst, unsuspecting to the two.
"Do not stop."
Beatrice first to witness, reacted with arched brows, whereas Ram had turned sideways, disbelief coupling with the varied emotions changing ever so swiftly, and briefly thought if her eyes betrayed her sight, for the one who spoke, body hunched and barely upright, breathing mouthfuls of air, was none other than Rem.
"Do not... you will not."
Pale was her skin, but some color had returned, and so had little of her sapped energy, walking slowly towards them, wheezing at every step, with a pace absent of the grace and formality that had always been second nature.
The sight of it, combined with the words she had spoken to Ram, was nothing short of appalling. In motionless view, unbelieving, Ram unknowing of an answer, her lips at a stutter of words missing. Beatrice meanwhile, had chosen silence, as if intending to fade into the background, a lifeless object blended into the setting not to be acknowledged.
"I will not let you stop this... Nee-sama, leave it be please, it does not concern you in the slightest," said Rem, mere meters away from her sister, halting.
"Does not concern me?" Ram reiterated, voice barely a whisper, and looked at her, gazes locking. The words stung, piercing a heart that had gone heavy, staring with forsaking incrimination in her eyes.
"How could this not concern me? Rem, how could it not? You're my sister, my little sister Rem... the one I love the most. You can't expect me to allow this to continue, do you? What this is... what you've thought right... it isn't... it's foolish."
"It is not."
The certainty in which Rem had on her words as if reciting a fact that can never be disputed, lead to another shock loss for words and Ram stared with the addressing of a stranger unbeknownst to her. Another tense silence came, an interval of regained voices and Ram spoke again, cautious but firm.
"It is, Rem. You regret a decision he has made himself. You've blamed yourself for a choice that you've never made. Ever since that day, when you came back alone and in tears... You've delusion yourself into thinking this way. You're irrational, erratic... lifeless in your duty, as if not really living anymore. You've allowed yourself to think that you're life has no meaning unless... unless he is by your side."
Rem hadn't interjected or deterred her in any way, staring mutely, neither confirming nor denying the claim.
"But you're wrong, Rem. You can still live. I am by your side, I am still here, with you. Emilia-sama, Roswaal-sama, even Beatrice-sama, we are all still here for you."
She took a step forward, her voice having found strength again, and continued once more.
"That day in the forest when we came to save you... I know you've taken a liking to him, I've seen it in the way you've looked at him. In some ways, I was fine with it. If it made you happy, if you found joy by his side... what right did I have to forbid such a thing? But now, after what he has done... after what he has put you through, I have nothing left for him but hatred and disgust... and you should feel the same! What you feel for him, isn't what you think. It isn't love, Rem. You're obsessed with, not him, but the idea of him..."
"Obsessed with the thought that he will return, obsessed with the idea that your feelings will be requited... Obsessed with the thought that you are infatuated with him when you really aren't! You aren't, Rem! You've merely made yourself think you are and it has made you act the way you do!"
Her words that she shouted, were magnified to an almost unbearable degree, bouncing across the walls and shelves of the gargantuan room, stripping the anger from her words to reveal the desperation so plainly within, only for a discomforting silence to follow after... along with sentences riddled with plea.
"Open your eyes, Rem... See that what you are doing is no different than self-torture! See what I see, a woman, so beautiful and kind... gentle, calm - suddenly becoming with frightening pace, a shadow of her former self. Rem think for one moment! If it were me, if I've done what you've done now, edging on the brink of insanity... would you have permitted it? Would you have let me have my way and continue torturing myself to limitless ends? Would you be fine, unconcern of my actions, if I were put in your position? Would you?"
It proved a tough task to deduce Rem's thoughts within. Her face was tensed, strain - trickles of sweat flowing ever so often downwards, droplets hanging from a clenched jaw, with lips a thin line across, as if to leave the question without the following of an answer. Yet her eyes continue to stare a piercing blue, at a face strikingly mirroring hers in ways beyond physical resemblance, of a time when she too was at a desperate plea...
"I wouldn't...." Rem responded faintly.
The soft submissive way her words were conveyed, was shown equally in the softening of Ram's own expression. She moved slowly towards her sister, warmth told by the tender way her hands met and held Rem's shoulder, aiming to console, to assure.
"I know you wouldn't... you couldn't. I know you, and you know me. You know I would do anything to keep you from harm, as you would for me. It is time, Rem. This needs to stop... you understand this now, right?"
A slight but distinct nod came, although, their eyes had not met.
"Tell her then. Tell Beatrice-sama to stop searching-"
"I can't do that," said Rem.
Interjected, and very much in surprise, silence gave Ram time to overcome her shock and shortly after, asked with breathless words, "Why can't you?"
Their gazes locked again, and Ram saw, lying beneath her eyes usurped of energy, a resolve sourcing from the unfathomable. In the briefness of tense silence, intentions quickly came to be realized, and Ram finally knew that no matter what's to be said or done, her sister would never let this go.
"That was cruel of you to say, Nee-sama."
Plastered with her words, bluntly conveyed, was sadness. Unsettled and baffled, Ram hastened to loosen the hold on her shoulders, confusingly inquiring as she did.
"What are you talking about, Rem?"
"It must have been easy to do, was it not? To quickly play off what I feel as an obsession. How fast you've arrived at a conclusion I've been agonizing over all this time."
Pretense and facades were no longer present to speak the words she spoke, it was real, very real... and Ram knew that.
"How could you think you know so much about something you know so little about? How could you possibly think that a reason like obsession could explain all the feelings I hold so dear to me? You might be ready to accept your reasoning... but do not think I will be so ready to believe in that, especially when I already know what my feelings are..."
"Rem, you're in denial! Listen to yourself! This is exactly what I mean! You are obsessed!"
"Obsession was it, when I return here instead of going with him?!" retaliated Rem, voice a hoarse shout reverberating across the room. "Obsession, when I tend to my duties without fail, obey orders without a word, and done what I've always done?! I could have left at any time, I could have gone without a letter, searching for him... but in the end, I decided to stay! Because I know what it would have been like for you have I done so!"
Sweat trickled and persisted, dripping onto the tiled floor, a vent of the rage culminated, fury and strain both showed by in the pause of heavy breathing. The two stared, each with malice and resentment, an aura of hostility permeating every inch of space between them.
"If you know what I feel all too well, then explain. Explain the unbearable aching in my heart when a memory of him flickers past. Explain why I find myself always on the verge of tears when I remember the words he has said to me. Tell me! Tell me please... what is this painful feeling called?!"
A long almost everlasting silence came rushing past, a moment of collected breath, dissipating echoes laced with emotions, and words that could never be returned.
"What will you have..." muttered Ram, unknowing of the intention to her words anymore. "What will you have, Rem, when all is said and done? What's there to gain, once you've lost everything in this infatuation of yours? When Emilia-sama, Roswaal-sama, and I are no longer there for you, who will be in the end? What will you have after all this Rem? What will you have?"
There was no uncertainty, nor a moment of faltering hesitancy. Almost at once it seemed, Rem had already found an answer to give definitively, both with trust, and faith in her words...
"I'll have Subaru-kun."
Nothing more was left to be said or done. Rem had given her answer, her resolve. To speak again, would be to fight. But why fight, Ram thought, when the battle has already been lost? It seemed everything she had done was pointless after all.
For the last time, Ram stared at her sister, and saw again, the same determination, tenacity and resolve she had tried her absolute best to falter, to break... before, with quicken pace, walking away. Past Rem, towards the single wooden door, and with an echoing shut, away from the library, leaving behind an argument that she would never, in her life, forget.
État de l’alimentation hebdomadaire
-- Classement
Power Stone 
-- Power
stone