Chapitre 63: I don't deserve you

|Innaya|

Have you ever experienced the feeling of extreme anguish? That feeling when you are very hungry, there's a plate of your favorite food in front of you. You are just about to dive in, and the plate is snatched away.

How would you feel?

Maybe, that feeling would be able to explain one-hundredth of what I was feeling. Did I hear him wrong?

Why?

Did he not want me in his life?

Why did he not want me in his life?

I could try to apologies and ask for forgiveness, but the way he avoided me, it appeared everything had ended between us.

However, the pain in his voice was unmistakable. I could see how he was hurting too. Then, why?

"Leave me. I don't deserve you," Eshan said with great difficulty. I could feel his chocked voice and his pain while uttering those cruel words. I could see it was hurting him.

Wait, what did he mean by he didn't deserve me? It was clearer than water that I did not deserve him.

"Eshan?" My voice came out choked while tears blurred my vision.

"No Innaya... I was at fault... I have hurt you... yelled at you when I should have explained patiently," Eshan retorted, shaking his head, not meeting my eyes and the way his voice faltered in- between I could see how guilty he felt.

In this world, men found pride in never accepting their mistakes even when they were wrong. They always wanted the woman to bow down to them, irrespective of her being at fault or not. How I got so lucky to meet a man like him?

"Even after knowing about your fears from the very start itself, instead of clearing them, I lashed out at you. I am bad, very bad. Damn me. I deserve to be in hell," Eshan mumbled, burying his head more in his bent knees that he had pulled up.

I kept the fist against my mouth, pressing it hard so that I wouldn't interrupt him with my cries. He was in pain, and his words were conveying the depth. I had never seen any man cry, in my life.

What do you do, when you have to watch the man you deeply cared for crying before you? I had no answer. The best thing I could do was to let him vent out his pent up emotions.

"I deserve to be punished. Punish me, Innaya. Leave me to let me live alone. Let me suffer, the way I am suffering from these past days. Punish me." His body shuddered. I resisted the urge to hold him again, yet the treacherous sob escaped my lips.

Eshan's head snapped at me, his eyes had turned red, and I had to bite on my lips with my teeth. The self-hatred in his eyes was so palpable that I shivered to imagine to what extent the whole incident affected this man.

"In my mindless anger, I destroyed everything. I destroyed our happiness," Eshan helplessly shouted, covering his face in his palm, his voice breaking at the end. His shoulders shook, indicating he was crying.

What had the one unfortunate event done to the confident man I knew? In front of his pain, my sufferings of the past few days looked nothing.

I felt myself losing in his confession. Seeing him, so vulnerable, I felt my heart going out for him. He looked like a lost person, totally broken.

Out of nowhere, I felt the strong urge to hold him, take away all his pain, and make him happy. Unable to hold anymore and watch him cursing himself, I embraced him, letting my hands roam in his hair and over his back, trying to calm him, comfort him, wishing to take away his every pain.

"Shh... Eshan."

He struggled against me, yet his attempts were not forceful. Even in such a condition, he was unconsciously careful of not hurting me, and that made me feel even more awful. I couldn't breathe.

There was a heavyweight crushing my chest. The uncomfortable feeling was making me helpless.

"Don't do this," I cried with my forehead pressed against his shoulder. "Everything is okay. We both were at fault. Shh, now we are together."

I could feel him shaking his head in denial, trying to free himself. Not giving up, I held him more tightly, concentrating on assuring and calming him and myself. What was I supposed to do in such a condition?

Eshan's sobs echoed in the silent room, his every tear scorching my heart. His sobs slowly died down to whimpers. In my whole life of twenty-two years, I had never felt so helpless and heartbroken as I felt while witnessing him cry. He was beating himself over something, which was not his fault. It was mine. I wronged us. I jumped to conclusions without letting him explain. I had my reasons, but at this moment, everything looked worthless.

Arjun was right; my past was not worth ruining my present. However, it was too late. It had ruined our present. We wasted so much time in pain, blaming ourselves, in isolation.

All of sudden, Eshan's body went rigid in my arms. I stiffened.

Pulling back, I found his eyes closed, his face was drenched with his tears. I tried calling him by patting his cheeks only to realize he had fainted.

Eshan's condition worried me very much, I yelled for Arjun because I knew he was somewhere close. Fear gripped me of his well-being. I lowered his head in my lap and wiped his face, struggling to hold back my tears.

The rushed footsteps neared, and Arjun entered running in a few seconds after I called for him. He helped me in lying Eshan on the bed before he rushed outside, telling me to sit beside Eshan.

Dazedly, I followed his order, sitting beside the unconscious figure of my husband, lying on the bed motionlessly. Eshan's apologies kept ringing in my ears as I stared at his face with glistering eyes.

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