Chapitre 49: Instead of being able to break the walls of your past, I broke myself.
|Innaya|
"SHUT UP!" Eshan roared so loudly, that it had me shuddering with fright. I blinked my eyes, not being able to recognize the man in front of me. He was not the Eshan, I knew. He was different, he resembled the raged animal at that moment.
His eyes turned darker with anger, there was hurt, pain, anguish in them, but anger overpowered everything. With jaw clenched in anger and eyes glaring at me with such strong emotions, I tried hard not to cower back in fear.
I hissed in pain when his grip on my wrist became painfully tight.
"I am not him. I am not your father. Did you hear me?" Eshan left me with a jerk.
I staggered backwards on my feet with the force he pushed me. However, before I could fall his hands came on my shoulder blades holding me up.
He knew about that man. How? Nobody knew about him, Grandpa made sure of it, then how on the earth he got to know about him?
Eshan chuckled but it had no humour, it was dark, almost painful.
"You think so low about me, Innaya. How could you? Have I ever given you any reason, to not to trust me? You could have just asked me once, before reaching to your - such high conclusions..." He raked his fingers through his hair roughly.
"I tried so hard to break those walls of your past, but I failed. I failed myself," he mumbled to himself but I heard it clearly.
"You know what? I should have never promised Grandpa. I should have never married you. I was better off without you. I have been honest with you from the very first day, when you not even shared a single thing about yourself." Eshan turned away from me, his back towards me.
He was right but what about his secrecy?
"All these months, I have been nothing but patient, waiting for you to be comfortable with me, to share your fears with me..." he trailed off, exhaling loudly.
He abruptly spun on his feet as if realising something. "What did you say? I care about my needs. Huh? Then why you are still untouched, if I am so much of pervert according to you? I should have used my right as husband on our wedding night itself; no one would have stopped me, not even you."
He stepped forward and instantly I stepped back. I was too stunned to see this side of him.
"Shall we try that now?" He gripped my forearms before he pulled me near to himself. His eyes blazed with hurt and pain.
Had I crossed my line? The answer was yes.
His every word was making me feel guilty, maybe because he was right.
"Honesty- that was the only thing I demanded from you, remember?"
Yes, I remembered. It was the only thing, he asked on our first date.
"Trust is never to be demanded it should be earned. I tried so hard to earn your trust for these 4 months but I guess I was not good enough," he gulped painfully.
"You expect me to be answerable for every small thing I do, whereas when it comes to you, I must keep quiet. I don't know what triggers your panic attacks yet, I should only comfort you and keep my mouth shut."
His every word was cutting my insides and I could only gaze at the floor. Shame filled my whole being.
What had I done?
"My friends treat you like part of their family. For you, they are ready to go against me. Yet you believed I was cheating on you, having affair behind your back. They would have killed me, if I were so much to bring tears to your eyes. Whereas you could not even defend me, when so called best friend of yours questioned my intentions."
I bit back the sob. He was right. If someone failed him, that was me. How did he know about Siya's doubts?
"Now don't blame me for keeping tabs on you. Sahil heard you." Eshan left me again, before he stepped back. He looked so heartbroken, so vulnerable.
"So much for keeping secrets." He clutched his hair tightly before he turned his furious eyes at me.
"Yes, you are right. I was hiding something from you. Want to know since when? Hmm, why don't you guess? From the day, I met you in your bedroom. Nope-" Eshan trailed off.
I didn't want to know. I wanted to apologize. He must have an explanation but I messed up. I jumped on the conclusion. However, that wasn't my fault. The scene, the secrecy, reminded me of the way my father cheated my mom. He did this to me. He made me so insecure. My father ruined the beauty of relationships for me.
"You want to know? Why don't I show you what I am hiding? Let me see how much you can handle. You are absolutely right; it was so easy to hide." He had that determined look in his eyes, which promised revealing something I was not aware of.
"Open your eyes and take a look. Go on look around yourself. Does it remind something?"
I tore my gaze from his and took in the surrounding. The room we were standing was a living room. The whole room was furnished with the bamboo, right from the sofa set to the racks in the walls. On my right side was the glass sliding door, from the floor to ceiling. It opened in the garden, which was well maintained from what I could see.
'This can't be happening.'
'No.'
'No. How? God, please don't make it true.'
"I will do the honours of unraveling my secrets, so that you can call me some more names. This was my gift to you, for our six-month wedding anniversary- your dream house. The woman you accused me of sleeping with, is architecture and the interior designer. Just the moment before you entered, she tripped on her feet and I was just helping her. All this time, I was busy planning this surprise for you." He raised his hands showing me what he meant.
I felt so ashamed. My breathing was getting heavier. Guilt was burdening my soul. He was doing everything for me. What did I give him in return? Hurt, Humiliation.
Before I could apologize or say something, he grasped my elbow and dragged me. We passed some rooms before he pulled me in front of the closed door.
"How can I love someone right? See is this proof enough." Eshan pointed at the walls.
I felt someone punched me in my gut and knocked the breath out of me, as I stared at the walls covered with pictures of the very familiar girl. Her chocolate eyes were staring back at me. There were my pictures from my childhood right before to my marriage - taken on different days, at different places. It was like, I was standing in some photo studio, in every direction the frames were hanging on the walls in different sizes, of me. Every photo was taken without my notice; I had no idea about someone following me.
"I have been in love with this girl ever since I laid my eyes on her. From the last 9 years, I loved her. However, that was not good enough. I was not good enough. It was all mistakes, a very big mistake. I am so done with everything. I am done. Your fears won. Instead of being able to break the walls of your past, I broke myself," his voice held so much grief that brought another set of tears in my eyes.
I felt my heart racing loudly. My whole body trembled, I held onto the wall for support.
"Was I spying on you? That's what you had asked, right?" Eshan once again turned his back on me. I wanted to see him. I needed to hold him. I had to apologize but words failed me. My throat constricted with pain. The black dots started dancing in front of my eyes. It was a matter of a few seconds before my body shut on its own.
"Yes, but it was my love. Moreover, you were my responsibility. I wanted to confess my feelings to you but I did not want to scare you. I wanted you to accept me on your own, but not anymore. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for tying you in this relationship. Today, I am freeing you from everything," his voice was distant.
I stretched my hand hoping to hold him but he was far from my reach. I pushed him too far. It was entirely my fault. Before I lost myself in the darkness, his words cut me like a dagger- deep and fatal.
"You don't trust me and without trust, there is no love."
L’AVIS DES CRÉATEURS 
Mukta
Mukta Finally the secret is out. Right now I am feeling so bad for both of them because as a writer I do know why they behaved the way the behaved.
Yet, it's so heartbreaking. Eshan's anguish is so painful, it was really hard to write his pain.
Please do comment your thoughts on this.
The second volume will start after this.
There's a good news regarding this novel but I'll share that after everything is confirmed ʘ‿ʘ
Till then, keep loving this novel (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤
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