Humanity comes to understand their own Identities as they grow older, and it is upon death that who they are becomes cemented. Just like how a character in a play is only as complex as he is shown when in front of a watching audience.
On the other hand, my 'birth' happened in the wrong other. Rather than starting from an ill-defined 'Self' before moving onto creating my own interpretation of my 'Identity', I started off with an Identity and gradually formed my 'Self'.
I knew who I was the moment of my birth. Which made me arrogant, I believed that my choices were my own and that my actions were mine alone, but what I realised through time was this: No man mortal or god can truly 'understand oneself'.
Without memories of how I became who I am, my mind started to wonder why my 'Self' abides by the rules of my 'Identity'. After all, isn't it supposed to be a wild card unique to me? Why does it feel so uncomfortable when I think about this subject?
This is why I feel incomplete. A Self formed by an Identity can never be more than just that. Once I accepted that no 'God' had created me and I was an existence born from Harmony, I felt irritation form in my heart. After all, my 'God' was imperfect.
When thinking back about that time I blew the head off this man named 'Bob', I can't help but believe I had made a mistake. I do not regret killing this mortal man, but cutting myself from my 'God'.
I'd killed that mortal for the sake of gaining attention of Harmony, the person who unwittingly created me. However, my God did not spare me any thoughts as I had desired 'Her' to do so.
She abandoned me to a purposeless existence, in the fetter-like 'role' that I did not choose myself.
The Identity of 'Simon' was antisocial. Therefore, it was hard for him to form bonds. I felt the same emotions and loved the same things as Harmony while living as her 'second life', but though there was thrill, along with joy, there was not content.
I could not be content with living as 'Simon'. I have no idea why Enigma chose me the name of 'Chaos', but I believed that to be my true identity the moment I'd heard it. Even once I had returned to Harmony's side, this entitlement gave me pride.
The name of Chaos and whatever it's name implied gave me solace. Ironically, I felt more to be more like a 'Human' whenever I saw myself as a Divine Entity. My godly vanity is shameless, but the feeling of individuality it gave was just so good~
Chaos, a name that suites a being like myself who regularly defies what his Identity entails. That must be the reason I act so irrationally sometimes... like how I approached Harmony after time reversed.
Now that I think about it, how did time even turn back anyway? Harmony was content on not finding the answer, but I couldn't leave it alone. My Skill Roots could feel the 'balance' of life was broken.
The artificial Holy Attribute and Evil Attribute of the world's cosmic scale have become misaligned...
They are changing from uneven to even, back and forth without warning or casualty. What to do now?
Should I ignore it? No, if the reversal of time has to do with Harmony: Then one clue still exists.
"Uncle Bob, what are you thinking about?" I asked the mortal swordsman looking out the window.
"My daughter should be visiting today."
"Oh? You're daughter, is it?" A smile formed on my face as I remembered there being such a girl in the past. Back then, my mind was so preoccupied with Harmony that I didn't really care of her existence.
"...I don't like that face you're making."
Eh? Did my feelings show on my face? I must've relaxed too much considering the atmosphere of this village. The peacefulness of everyday life going on outside caused me to relax my guard...
"She must be cute." I patted his shoulder. Don't parents like it when their offspring is praised.
"Simon."
"Yeah?" I lifted my brow as he grabbed my shoulders the exact moment he spoke my name.
"If you get touchy-feely with my daughter, I'm chopping 'it' off." He spoke with great seriousness.
"You're chopping off 'what' exactly?" I had no idea what this man was insinuating with those eyes.
Should I just kill this idiot again? ...Nope, I have to control myself. I don't want to be ignored by Harmony a second time. That life I lived without knowing what Harmony was doing was torture...!
He used two fingers to point at his eyes and back at me with a glare, so I separated from him since I was absolutely sure he had nothing in his brain that could help me figure out why time reversed back.
I looked for the second acquaintance Harmony had made after 'killing herself' and saw an old woman praying with a cross in her hand. Her wrinkled yet lively face not displayed an exact expression of pious belief as she finished her prayer by kissing the cross necklace. This scene was surprising since she didn't look like a Priest or former Knight.
"Were you once part of the Holy Church?" Since it didn't seem to be a secret, I decided to ask.
"Hehe, child-"
"I am NOT a child."
"Yes yes, of course you aren't~"
"Exactly." I'm glad she agrees. Hmmm? What's with that awkward look? Did I say something strange...?
"I once worked as Priest, but gave up my position to live quietly. Anyway, how was the food?"
"Delicious. I never knew Priests could actually cook." They seemed too stuck-up to make food.
"I'm glad." She spoke while going to clean the dishes, which made me more curious about her.
"Why did you accept us?" It wasn't my liking to be beat around the bush. Being forthright is the best!
"Didn't you two need somewhere to stay?"
"Would you have accepted just anyone? This is a really dangerous thing to do even in a tight-knit community." I didn't know why I felt like advising this old woman. Maybe it was her amiable atmosphere rubbing off on me somewhat.
"I wouldn't have accepted anybody."
"Then why us two?"
"Because of your sister." My expression changed as I looked at that back that continued to clean.
"What do you mean...?" Something was off here...
"My son seems to always attract girls of the same type." She spoke after finishing to clean one dish.
"What kind?" This was more intriguing than I previously thought. What a secretive mortal...!
"...They are always caring." She hesitated before deciding to continue the conversation. This first thing she said fit Harmony well as it was in her nature to take care of whoever she friendly with.
"They are always sweet." This second one sounded more like sophistry as I couldn't really attach that man-reincarnated-as-woman to the likeness of someone that's 'sweet'. She probably just means outwardly. It's not like I've seen his 'other girls'.
Wait, Harmony wanted a relationship with a guy who brings other girls home? Is she planning to become a mistress? No, even SHE wouldn't do something so irrational to form a bond, or would she...? Imagining her in that context was weird...
"..." She suddenly stopped talking.
"What's the last thing?" I could definitely see a pattern forming there. Where's the third trait?
"You can talk to me about it." I mean, really... tell me instead of keeping me in suspense like this!
"...They are normally Demons." I did a double-take.
Did I hear that correctly?
"Someone with an Evil Attribute?" That's the normal definition of Demons in this world according to the Holy Church. It's reasonable to call them that when you consider how the 'Evil Attribute' works by human definition of 'Evil'.
"Not quite..." She shook her head.
"You mean they have bad personalities?" I asked while getting up to make sure no one was here to hear this. Though it seems my thoughts were unnecessary as the others had already went out.
"One of them threatened me with a knife, and the other one stitched threats in her sweet words. I pretended not to notice his... 'quality' of being able to attract these types..." She finally turned to show that her eyes were lowered in deep contemplation.
Looks like this has been weighing on her.
"You think my 'sister' is also like that?"
"She isn't...?"
"Well..." I'm unsure about their relationship or how much Harmony values Bob, but it can't be on that level. After all, she hasn't shown any signs of obsession. She's just a little clingy towards Bob...
"...I can assure you my sibling isn't a 'Demon'." I'm not lying here. She doesn't have that Attribute.
"Hah... May God bless you." She sighed and looked somewhat relieved to hear my heartless lies...
"I don't believe in your 'God', so don't tell me such a thing..." I bluntly told her off by reflex. It was only after speaking did I realise my mistake. Her eyes were opened wide as she looked towards me.
"..." Her silence was uncomfortable.
"I do believe in your God's existence thought."
"...How does that work?" She spoke more freely while ignoring the seemingly big age difference between us. I guess being able to speak her mind to someone has relaxed some of her tense nerves.
If this was an actual Priest I was talking to, then I'm sure I'd get an earful about the greatness of this fictional 'Holy God' they believe in. After all, a God created by people is more perfect than any Creator that demands respect from you as a 'parent'.
"My God is imperfect compared to the Holy God."
"Yet you still believe in 'your God'?" She seemed curious why a 'child' would have another religion.
It could be that she was thinking I joined some sort of Satanic Cult as she looked at me worriedly. Not that her worry was going to the wrong individual considering I had lost my mind in my almost religious religious beliefs towards Harmony.
I had a taste of Existential Nihilism after Harmony ignored me, and even now believe in Moral Nihilism thanks to being born with Damian's 'heart'. Saying my own little 'religion' had been detrimental to me wouldn't be wrong considering what happened.
However, I feel like it's best to clarify myself. I don't exactly hate Harmony, only her current immaturity.
She just needs some time to grow. Afterwards, I'm sure she will accept me and become a 'Perfected God'. One that could exist independently from this world and maybe even create her own galaxy.
The power of Anarchy can't be described with words, and it's only natural that Harmony's perfectionist attitude will eventually lead her to me one day. On that, I am absolutely certain of.
"I believe in a 'Goddess' to be exact, because who says God can't be a woman?" I asked her jokingly.
"It's best to not talk about this with others..."
"I know. Anyway, don't you find the Holy Religion to be quite absurd sometimes?" I jabbed at her.
"Why would you say that?"
"The world is magical."
"So...?"
"Magic doesn't work by human standards. They may have created the Holy Attribute, but the cosmic forces of this world formed an opposing force to combat it. What will they do when the magical theories they rely on don't agree with them? What will they do once a Beast they do despise gains the Holy Attributes? Will they worship it or enslave it?" I inquired with a slight smile. I'd enjoy seeing such a chaotic situation~
"...You have quite the sharp tongue, don't you?"
"Don't change the subject."
"I'm not. There's no need to answer a possibility that doesn't have a precedence. Also, don't tell my son about what you saw previously." She pointed at her cross necklace which hid back into her clothes.
"Why not?"
"I have my own reasons."
"Fair enough. Please keep my two-faced nature a secret as well. I'm not planning to do anyone here harm." I put my hands up as there's no way I wouldn't have realised my cover was blown.
Acting like a child was really hard... How did Harmony get through life acting so immature?
I guess that is also a strength of hers... There's no room for change once one reaches 'maturity'.
"That's fine with me. Speak freely."
"Are you fine with how the world is?"
"You sound like an anarchist."
"I'm serious. If you could change one thing in this world, what would it be?" I spoke to her 'freely'.
She seemed to be the slow responding type of person as she thought first before answering:
"Beasts."
"Huh?"
"I'd like it if Beasts didn't come in human form as well. It's unnerving. Don't you also agree?"
Hehe, what a intriguing mortal woman indeed~
"You can't blame someone for being born." These harsh words made her stop speaking. She looked like she wanted to retort, but didn't have anything to say... It was then that she put down the subject.
I didn't blame her for being unable to continue our talk. This was a touchy subject after all. Though I wonder if change will be brought to this world, and one it does: Whose side will Harmony take? The Humans she grew up with or the creatures meant to be hunted? As I looked at her silhouette through the window, I just hoped she will live up to her name. She is supposed to be 'Harmony' after all...
She must fix the cosmic balance of this world even if she doesn't want to, or else suffer for negligence.