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LV 10

This story start off well. It managed to capture the attention of a non IT people like me to a certain extent. However, it started to go downhill afterwards. There are too many unnecessary points that acts up as a filler. A filler is good, if you can learn how to make it work. A great filler is when the reader reads it, they notice it contains some sort of information. You can use fillers as a foreshadow for future chapters. Take some time to brush up your vocab, grammar and spelling. In the beginning it was quite okay, but I saw more and more mistake happen later on. Write at your own pace. Some people can write 1+++ words in three hours, minus the editing, while some might take longer. I assume the mistakes are caused by you trying to rush the chapter out. Great idea, but it was all a bit jumble up. A few contradictions in the story--> 1. Ting is poor, it doesn't really make sense for him to take taxi (in the beginning) or eating fast food that often. I'm not sure where you are from but I'm pretty sure a box meal is much cheaper than fast food. 2. He chose programming to study but his results is so terrible that he was then expelled. Try to write the back story. Why he chose programming? Interest? If he was interested in it why did he performed badly? Was it because he have to work part time to support himself that he don't have time to study? Plausible, but then you have to write what happen to his jobs when he starts doing task for his system. 3. Again, he is poor, does it make sense for him to live outside instead of dorm? (I understand the need for him to be alone, again use a suitable back story for it) My advice: 1. 're-write the whole story from the beginning. (You haven't gone far) 2. Make the character background hit the rock bottom before getting the system (sympathy always works) 3. Less childish girl/woman imagination (we don't want Ting to be a pervert don't we?) 4. Try to stick to one POV throughout the chapter. I saw sometimes you switch from 3rd POV to 1st POV. If you want to make multiple POV in one chapter, separate it nicely. Anyway, good luck. You can improve your work. Work hard!