Chapitre 148: Company (2)
Opening my eyes after a long dream was not something I had imagined to be very easy. In fact, I had thought of waking up in an environment entirely unknown to me. With peril and danger lurking at every corner, I had to be wary about everything. Since I had no idea what to expect, I could only hope that the stars aligned in my favour.
But in my wildest dreams, I could never have never imagined to find myself in a situation as strange as this. After being engulfed by darkness and watching countless reputations of my memories, I had hoped to find something real.
Yet the pitch-black darkness never disappeared. Instead, after my eyes opened for the first time it violently attacked me, swarming all around me assaulting my every sense. After enduring the pain in my memories one might assume that I got used to it, but that would be a tremendous lie.
Bearing it was egregious and it could only be called a torment. Pondering what I felt and what was the cause was out of the question for me. The only solace I found lied in cussing out loudly and giving all of my pain the verbal middle finger over and over again.
Distracting myself did little to alleviate the pain but when dealing with something so unreasonable every last bit counts. It was a surprise to see exactly how many curse words I know of, especially after I included every language I know off.
Yet the pain refused to subside despite my effort to test the depth of my vocabulary. It just continued to make me suffer. At least feeling pain of this level meant that I was still a life. A realization that I had come one step closer to the reality I had longed for. Though this did not make it any less painful to bear.
There I was alone in the darkness, only hearing myself cursing into the unknown surroundings. Should I be glad that no one seemed to be near me? A question I was unable to answer in the short period of time I had time to think about it. It was hard to reason with pain because pain does not give a damn about my circumstances.
Gritting my teeth I gave my best to face the pain that threatens my sanity. Although I did not manage to block it out entirely, I managed to regain control of my thoughts again. Or rather the ability to think and to not be a prisoner of the pain.
Sadly my persistence did not pay off, as with the little degree of information at my disposal, it was practically impossible to find out more about the cause of my pain. Nor could I find any suitable methods to combat it. Grinning and bearing it was the only thing I could do.
And I can tell I must have been grinning like a madman because it did not seem to come to an end. Rather the pain started to intensify as if it wanted to drive me to insanity once more. In return, I was able to muster more force out of sheer spite to not give in to something as stupid as pain.
This strategy was often employed by brats or young children, but I could not be picky in such a scenario, not when the brunt of the pain kept on terrorizing my entire body. It was a pain that was hard to put in words. Especially when the words I had found so far were rather explicit.
It was a weird sensation that tore through my entire being, unlike normal pain, it ran very deep and left its mark all over me. Did it attack my soul? But why would something be able to injure my soul, after all this time?
I forcefully pushed that thought out of my mind as it was pointless to think about such details right now. I should think pragmatically and establish as many things as possible. Since I can not see, I will have to trust my other senses.
As long as the pain is not a fabrication of my mind, something I really doubt, I can be certain of the fact that I do have a body. Yet, my body did not budge an inch after I tried to move it. It was not the time to be dispirited by the results, my approach was just wrong.
This time around I should not try to brute force success, I will try to feel the smallest parts of my body, to get a feeling. My first target was the pinky in my right hand. After a particularly deep breath, I searched for the feeling of my right pinky. A few seconds, which felt like an eternity, later I finally felt a sensation in my finger.
By focussing on this sensation, I tried to feel more and more. But after I had tried to concentrate on this feeling, I was ruthlessly attacked by the pain which had flared up yet again. This distraction caused me to lose the connection to my pinky finger.
My initial success was enough of a reason for me to continue to try and feel my pinky. As for the pain, I decided to brace it as much as I could, because yielding to it was not an option. Mustering my mental fortitude, I confronted the pain once more on my quest to feel that my finger.
Amidst the torrent of pain, I found the sensation I had looked for. Trying to ignore the pain, I gave it my all just to move this very small part of my body. I did not expect any deliberate movement, I was willing to settle for a twitch.
Yet despite all of my effort, the finger remained it its passive state. This was something I could not accept, I would move this little piece of my body regardless of how much time it would take. I am in control of my body, not the pain.
Several tries and a lot of cursing later I finally managed to wiggle my little finger. This had been a hard-fought battle against myself. It always seems more appealing to just give up, when faced with hardships. I know that all too well since I am prone to throw in the towel preemptively as well.
This small movement was a complete success, but for me, it was not nearly enough. I could not be happy about something so insignificant. I had to strive for more if I wanted to feel true happiness. Otherwise, I would end up with the fake and fabricated emotions of my former life.
My next target was the finger next to it and afterwards another finger would follow. This would continue I can move two of them together then three until I can move my hand again. Once I am done with one hand I move to the other one.
After the hands, came the toes, then the feet, followed by the limbs. I would only stop once I had regained control over my entire body. Anything less and I might as well just give up on living and hide in those fabricated memories again.
I know I am whiny bitch, who only talks big but can not back anything up. I am a pathetic loser, who thinks too highly of himself, despite having nothing to be proud of. But as of now, this is my chance to get something real, there is nothing for me to return to.
Even if there only is hurt, I want to face it directly and to see and feel it. Whether that makes me shallow and hypocritical or brave is not something which matters to me. I am not trying to define myself with big labels and cheer myself up by pretending I am something special.
Hiding behind my lies and accepting my ineptitude is out of the question. Once I start following that path I am already headed directly to the mistakes I have committed in my past life. I should even consider this option, as nothing good would come of it in the first place.
Although the pain never stopped, my fear of losing to myself again stung more. While it felt strange and irrational, it also felt right in a twisted way. Although my motivation had stopped making sense to me, I still had this deep desire to avoid the mistakes of the past,
This urge, just like its counterpart the pain could not be suppressed as they crept on my mind. Letting my frustrations out, I yelled into the dark once more. No reply and no sound came back. There I was, alone with my thoughts and the pain as the company.
Yet, as time passed and the battle in my own body continued to rage on, I discovered that my inherent drive had been strengthened by my constant struggle in the memories. A detail, which I did not dare to ponder further upon.
Drawing strength out of such a fabricated environment was not something I should rely on. I should not look back at those memories and use them at my leisure. Those were fake and all of this is for something that is real, I want something real and not lose sight of what is important.
This was a battle against myself and I desire a total victory, not another ceasefire, I am so tired of this war. I am so over it. Because nothing ever changes as I follow the same footsteps over and over again. I have to break free of this perpetual chain of disappointment.
These words sound so easy, it is due to them not having any weight. Words without actions and conviction are useless. "NOO, FUCK OFF" I screamed on the top of my lungs. " DO NOT REASON YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS"
It is okay to be unreasonable, it is okay to be conflicted. But repeating the same old mistakes can not be forgiven. Without thinking about it, I lifted my right hand and slapped myself in the face several times.
" WHEN...WILL...YOU...LEARN?"
"Leichte Schläge auf den Kopf erhöhen das Denkvermögen. " (Light blows on the head increase the ability to think. German Proverb)
A mocking thought had entered my mind, in my native tongue. Despite resorting to this act, I was able to get a moment of clear consciousness. For a brief moment, I had forgotten about the pain. about all of my acts. There was no distress, no peril, no heroic aspirations, no big dreams. I just forced my body to stand up, despite the eventual backlash. that would come back to haunt me
At this point in time, I had the sombre realisation, that this had never been about finding the motivation or conviction to fight back against the pain. There was no deeper meaning to it.
It was just an act in itself. Whether or not I was standing on my own 2 legs did not change much. The motive behind those acts matters little. This is not a courtroom, there is no concept of right or wrong of any importance here. It either is or is not. That is it in its entirety.
But just as I stood there in silence, an eerie laughter crept up on me, and with it came another wave of pain that brought me back to the sombre reality. My insides felt as if they were ravaged and I could not stop myself from feeling the urge to puke. It was the first time the pain had reached that level.
I am doing my best to suppress this feeling. I don't know if I even can empty my stomach at all, but I was not keen to find out either. As for the one, responsible for the creepy laughter, I tried my best to locate their position but failed miserably.
Being visually impaired made it nearly impossible to find something. This laughter indicated that there was someone close enough to me. I could have been easily killed if the person or the entity had desired that.
With an onlooker close to me, I had another problem with no obvious solution. I wanted to sigh, but the pain prevented me from doing so. It was as if the weight of the world was resting on my shoulders pressing me to the ground.
I had no idea where the hell all of this pressure came from and why I even felt such a strong pain in the first place, but all of this did not matter to me. I held my head high and confronted everything that is thrown onto me.
For outsiders, it might seem as nothing spectacular, but just standing here was brutal. Each second felt like an eternity and the voice in my head, telling me to give in became louder and louder. Rather than listening to its sweet temptations, I decided to go even further.
I decided to take a step forward. A step, something I have done countless times beforehand now appeared like an impossible task. Facing such difficulty was certainly not something I had expected. How would I know, I had to persist through such hardships when trying to take a single step forward?
Biting my tongue I tried my best to move the muscles related to the movement, now all it took was shifting my centre of gravity forward to fulfil my desire. The feet did not leave the ground for long before it came back to the ground once more.
Although it could not be called graceful and despite the fact, that it seemed like I might lose my balance, it was nonetheless a step. A step which I had taken despite all of my circumstances being against me.
"You have beaten yourself, be proud of such an achievement. You earned a long rest." The voice in myself loudly proclaimed as if I was content wich such a little progress. I have nothing but regrets to look back on, what kind of break do I deserve?
Merely a single step and yet my weakness already has taken ahold of me. What a pathetic sight. Do I need to slap myself again to wake up from my stupor? I will take the next step and not be complacent with receiving mediocre results.
Whoever claimed that the hardest part is the start clearly did not think about a scenario like this. Because all I see is starts with no ending in sight. After this successful step would another and then yet another.
This was not progress, this was just an endless fight.
I did not stop after making the second step, I continued to take steps slowly but surely as I fought tooth and nails to not give in to my blatant desire to just give up. I was even forced to slap me once more as the thoughts started to become overwhelming.
The actual distance I had covered through my effort was laughable, but this was not the measurement of its success. As long as I kept on moving forward, it was my victory.
My surroundings had been silent, but I felt probing eyes gazing at me intently from somewhere. Were they waiting for me to succumb and fall down on my knees? I had no intention, of giving them that satisfaction.
Gritting my teeth I went a step forward yet again. Now witness me as I continue this constant struggle. Watch to your heart's content and realize, that your expectations will never be fulfilled.
What the true intention behind the observation was of no concern to me. It was easy for me to paint it as an enemy which wishes to see me fail. From now on it was someone, I wanted to prove wrong badly. I needed every form of motivation I could get.
As my thoughts were busy taunting my audience I began to take longer strides. The strain on my body became even more obvious but I gritted my teeth even harder and managed to keep on moving forward.
I will be the one who has the last laugh and wipe that shitty grin of its face. The weird cackling appeared once again but I only saw this as a confirmation, that the entity still expected me to fail. It will take a lot more to make me fall then just taking these steps. Is that outside of your expectations? Are you surprised?
Step by step, I was proving myself. Step by step I was improving and overcoming my former achievements. It was by a small barely noticeable margin, but in this battle, I was coming out on top over and over again.
In order to go beyond my limit again, I decided to incorporate other movements as well. At first, I simply moved my hands when I walked, then I decided to move my arms to make it a fluid motion. And after many. many steps it finally looked like I was walking normally.
I was sweating all over and my mind was a mess but I had no indication of stopping any time soon. No, I still had to do more. This was far from enough, what I have just barely achieved can only be considered the bare minimum. Although I had yet to realize, that the toll on my body had accumulated and all of a sudden I spat out a lot of blood.
Feeling a wave of weakness overcoming me I fell forward and was on my way to meet the ground beneath my feet.
No, this was something I could not tolerate. I do not accept my weakness dictating my course of action. With my feet stomping on the ground I caught my balance. A loud roar escaped my lips. I was not willing to accept such reasoning.
If I fall over now, I might as well never stand up again. Under my heavy breathing, I had not noticed that a presence appeared very close to me. After a few seconds, it spoke something in a calm and serious manner before disappearing again.
Due to the language barrier, I had not understood a single thing. But this did not stop me from throwing a punch into the direction where the voice had come from. Hitting nothing but air, I lost my balance and fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Still, I could not help myself from laughing loudly.
With a painful groan, I pushed myself from the ground to stand on my 2 legs again.
Everything was as silent as it used to be and I found myself alone in this strange place.
My only company was the pain, which reminded me of reality.
And I was ready to endure all of this, for my chance at this reality.
Everything will work out as long as I continue to move forward.
L’AVIS DES CRÉATEURS 
Fearmongering
Fearmongering Thanks for the patience and I do hope you will enjoy this chapter
État de l’alimentation hebdomadaire
-- Classement
Power Stone 
-- Power
stone