J_D_Johnathan

J_D_Johnathan

male LV 2

Hello guys(and ladies). I am Author-kun, or Immortal-kun as I liked to call myself. I am just another random dude trying to make up the best stories he could come up with. IMMORTAL-KUN OUT

2023-10-20 Se unió Global
Actividad
Obras originales
Insignias 4

Moments 522
J_D_Johnathan
J_D_Johnathan
12 days ago
Commented

This chapter... seems rushed. The sentences that should be separated were yet again, actions and thoughts should be separated into different sentences. Not to mention, the pov doesn't really include all the things it should have, the emotion and awareness is missing, while including things that should be used in a 3rd person pov like the intensity of the pain, etc. Honestly, All in all, 4.9/10 for this one, sorry. That's all for now.

J_D_Johnathan
J_D_Johnathan
12 days ago
Commented

with pleasure

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The Time's Unknown Loop

The Time's Unknown Loop

Fantasy · rsl123

J_D_Johnathan
J_D_Johnathan
12 days ago
Commented

img
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The Time's Unknown Loop

The Time's Unknown Loop

Fantasy · rsl123

J_D_Johnathan
J_D_Johnathan
12 days ago
Commented

what's there to see?

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The Time's Unknown Loop

The Time's Unknown Loop

Fantasy · rsl123

J_D_Johnathan
J_D_Johnathan
12 days ago
Commented

why are you still this calm? THE DAMN BUILDING IS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE AND MANY WILL DIE

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The Time's Unknown Loop

The Time's Unknown Loop

Fantasy · rsl123

J_D_Johnathan
J_D_Johnathan
12 days ago
Commented

classic

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The Time's Unknown Loop

The Time's Unknown Loop

Fantasy · rsl123

J_D_Johnathan
J_D_Johnathan
12 days ago
Commented

bruh

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The Time's Unknown Loop

The Time's Unknown Loop

Fantasy · rsl123

J_D_Johnathan
J_D_Johnathan
12 days ago
Commented

Hmm, should separate thoughts from actions ngl

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The Time's Unknown Loop

The Time's Unknown Loop

Fantasy · rsl123

J_D_Johnathan
J_D_Johnathan
12 days ago
Commented

plot

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The Time's Unknown Loop

The Time's Unknown Loop

Fantasy · rsl123

J_D_Johnathan
J_D_Johnathan
12 days ago
Commented

shit, almost wrote a paragraph here

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The Time's Unknown Loop

The Time's Unknown Loop

Fantasy · rsl123

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