Suggested sentence correction, ‘Arthur Silvera had been forced to grow up prematurely. His hands bearing the calluses of labor much beyond their years. The passage of time had left its mark on his heart. Yet he was just one of many.’ I simplified some of your sentences because they had more impact when read aloud. Go ahead and try to read them aloud before and after and pick which one you like.
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Fantasy · MellowGuy
Suggested sentence corrections, ‘ His eighteen years of stress and worry, had left a little room for happiness.’ I just corrected the tense on this one.
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Fantasy · MellowGuy
Suggested sentence correction, So you’re not able to tell if he’s reading the dialogue or if someone’s telling him. I’m assuming he’s reading it, so that’s what I’m going off of. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. ‘ “As explicitly stated in your contract,” he read aloud, “there will be no reimbursement upon termination.” The second below landed, driving the nail deeper into the coffin.’ At this point in your writing, I got confused for a minute, and had to rethink what you were trying to tell me as a reader. And then I realized he was holding a notice from the bank. There is no language telling me that he was holding it, but the fact that it was hanging around his neck like a noose. BTW your language is beautiful for not having learned English as a first language. Suggested Sentence to add to clarity such: “ The notice in his hand, was like a noose surround his neck. As it slowly tried to suffocate him. A rope that taunted him with the face of his mother and the hands brother. An embodiment of his burden in life.’
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Fantasy · MellowGuy
Just a bit of advice to bring more impact to the dialogue. Put it in a separate paragraph. Example: ‘ The foreign, yet expected words echoed in his ears. It left a bitter taste in his mouth. “Your contract has been terminated,” he said as his voice cracked and hollowed. He absorbed the weight of those words. He held no resentment or towards his employer, but the world itself felt the brunt of his disappointment. The influx of new scavengers, equipped with specialized abilities, and made this outcome inevitable.’ Also, by rearranging the order you delivered the sentences you can add more impact.
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Fantasy · MellowGuy
Suggested sentence correction, ‘ His starting point is as average young man, with a mysterious past.’
The third note is about the protagonist, Arthur. His starting point is as an average young man with some mysteries about his past. Please don't expect him to be a know-it-all, he's not. I hope you'll come to like him, but if you don't that's okay too. He'll grow into a character that you'll like, hopefully.
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Fantasy · MellowGuy
Suggested sentence corrections, ‘ Second is a note about how I plot my story. The sequence of events, and the reasons behind them may seem illogical, but I promise there’s a reason behind them. Sometimes I write well forgetting that you was the reader do not know why such an event is happening. But I do, and I forget you don’t and think it’s all OK. This is a trade I both hate and like about my writing. Hopefully, it won’t be the cause of my downfall. Please give this novel a chance to flourish. ‘ the plot is the sequence of events that takes place in a story. So I changed the language a little.
The second note is about the events. Some events might feel weird for you, but I promise to deliver reasons for them. Sometimes I write while forgetting that whoever reads this does not know why this event is happening. I do, so I tend to think it's okay. This is a trait that I both like and hate about my writing, and hopefully, it wouldn't cause my downfall from grace. Please give this novel a chance to flourish.
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Fantasy · MellowGuy
Suggested sentence correction, ‘I’d first of all like to state that English is not my first language. I don’t have an editor to help me, so this is the best I could do myself. I’ve edited the first volume to the best of my knowledge and would be grateful to anyone who would like to suggest sentence and grammatical corrections.’
First of all is stating that English isn't my first language. I don't have an editor to help me so this is the best I could do by myself. I've edited the first volume by myself as much as I could and would be grateful to anyone who points out typos in writing or grammatical mistakes.
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Fantasy · MellowGuy
Sentence change suggestion, ‘Now let’s get down to business. This is not a spoiler of the storie’s event, but simply a few notes I will regularly update for new readers.’ I changed the tense on the as well to fit present tense.
Let's get down to business. This is no spoiler of events, simply a few notes that I would edit regularly for new readers.
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Fantasy · MellowGuy
In the second sentence change ‘didn’t’ to ‘don’t’ as the tense is present when talking to a new reader.
First of all, hello there. I'm honored that you decided to start reading this novel. It's a pleasure, even if you didn't stick until its end. I hope this would entertain as many people as possible.
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Fantasy · MellowGuy
Free for Authors Use if she so desires I had the cutest idea for Hanuel and Taeyang finding out they are from the same world! You would forshadow with Hanuel singing one of Taeyangs songs in private that he wrote in the other world before they get together. (maybe making it a meaningful one to both of them ). Then one night when they are finally together you have Hanuel subconsciously sing a lyric and Taeyang finishes it, then they look into each other's eyes and laugh, hugging each other. Hanuel gasps for air muttering ‘Yeomra is so’ or something of that effect and Taeyang will finish with ‘uncreative, a copy or no imagination’ or something to that effect making Hanuel giggle and Taeyang smile and look and Hanuel with affection.That way readers realize without you telling them that they both realize they’re from the same world. I just thought it was such a cute idea and wanted to share! Thank you for the beautiful story so far, I’m so happy you started this new book! It makes my day when I see an update! Thank you Tyramisu!
Falling for the Omega Idol
LGBT+ · Tyramisu