Capítulo 37: The Hypocrisy of Heroism
Fei Li sat silently, flicking through the papers in his hand.
The man seated across from him continued to talk, raising the next point of discussion in their meeting. "The Southerners still remain resistant to integration. They continue to resist against the new leadership."
"I understand. The South are all proud people, its not unexpected. With some more time, I will find a way for them to peacefully integrate." Fei Li replied calmly. Actually, he had been trying to figure out how to do exactly that in these passing months but it was proving to be a difficult task.
"Can't we just force them?" Another spoke.
Fei Li didn't even bother looking up at the speaker, flicking another of the pages held in his hand. "No. They would respond poorly to it and nurse further grievances against the North. It would be counterproductive." Fei Li didn't like the idea of using any more force unless absolutely necessary. He wanted to treat the South as fairly and respectfully as possible from here on out. He had already inflicted enough damage on them. The war was over. Fei Li didn't want to see more bloodshed and heartache. Besides, the South were their people now, just the same as the North.
Fei Li's declaration had been final and the rest of the men seated at the table promptly fell quiet. After a moment of silence, Fei Li spoke again. "Is there anything else?"
"That should be all, General Fei. You've addressed everything. If I may say, you're really as efficient as the rumours say General. Its truly been an honour to work with you today."
Fei Li only nodded. He didn't care much for flattery but he was famous at this point so the number of those who tried to flatter him and garner his favour had only increased. He had kept the meeting strictly on topic and begun immediately, skipping the pleasantries. Now that the meeting was coming to a close, it was clear these men were jumping for the opportunity.
"General, I haven't had the chance to congratulate you on your heroic efforts throughout the war yet! The stories of your actions and brilliance are nothing short of incredible!"
Fei Li managed to refrain from visibly flinching but his grip on the paper in his hand tightened.
Heroic…
They called the horrific things he'd done heroic now. They praised him as a hero, as something incredible, praised him for the things he'd done. Glorify them like there was something brilliant to the bloodshed and brutality. He hated it. He was showered in non stop praise and flattery now and he hated every moment of it. He wanted to ask them just what was so heroic about the things he'd done? But he knew none of the people in this room would understand so he clenched his jaw and forced out a bland "...Thanks."
He had hoped it would end there and the meeting would officially conclude. But unfortunately, that was wishful thinking as the man continued, pressing harder upon seeing that Fei Li was unmoved and uncaring. "You would think the South would know their place after a defeat like that but it's too much to expect of dogs like them. They can't understand what's best for them. They didn't before when they started a war for their useless independence and they don't now. They'll be better off but worthless idiots like them can't get it."
Fei Li's gaze had snapped up. He was gripping the paper hard enough that his fingernails threatened to tear it. The man seated beside Fei Li had noticed the danger, paling with fright and hastily moving further away. The one trying to curry favour with Fei Li by insulting the 'enemies' hadn't noticed however and continued to talk himself into the grave.
"Even without that idiot General Lu of theirs, the South are so stupidly stubborn. It really isn't surprising that someone as foolish and useless as him was considered one of their best. Arrogant and insane, its even said he had intentions towards you." The man sneered. "What a disgrace to his nation he was, I must say-"
"You must say nothing. Shut your mouth," Fei Li hissed out in a low tone. He stood up slowly from his seat. The glare he gave suffocated the air from the man before him, deflating the other's confidence until he trembled with a deep sense of dread.
Fei Li continued with a voice like sharp ice. "You say such things while knowing nothing. You've never spilt any blood, never watching the life drain from someone you knew right before your eyes. You know nothing of how the South were valiant and passionate fighters. And you know nothing of General Lu. He is one of the finest men I have ever met, a better man than I could hope to be. If I ever hear you say another ill word of the South, you'll pay the price with your tongue." Fei Li turned and stormed off without another word, leaving the room full of wide eyed men behind him. Fei Li knew there would be trouble for threatening someone of such a high status, but he couldn't care less. He had held back for too long now and they had struck a raw nerve that had been fraying further and further each day.
Fei Li went straight to his study. He only finally paused once he had sunk down at his desk, his forehead in his hand as he stared blankly at the grains along the wooden surface.
The feeling was getting worse. The frustration, the guilt. The feeling of loss. He felt lost. Like he couldn't work out how to stand in this new world, this new life. The one without a war. He had completed his purpose in life, met his mother's obsessive desire. What was there now? Meaningless praise and the empty title of hero. And guilt. And the feeling like he was slowly suffocating under it all.
Fei Li could feel a headache slowly pulsing beneath the fingers he pressed into his temple.
"General Fei?" Xi Ming called out softly, hesitating in the doorway. He could see Fei Li's poor expression and could only guess the meeting didn't go well. "Do you want me to get you some tea?"
"...Yes."
Xi Ming bowed and left immediately, returning with a tray of fresh tea. He poured two cups before he sat down across from his general.
"I have servants Xi Ming." Fei Li lifted the cup to his lips. He felt a bit calmer once the liquid settled in his stomach, bringing a gentle warmth with it.
"I know…" Xi Ming didn't look up at Fei Li, staring fixedly down at the cup in his hands.
A silence settled over them. Fei Li tapped at the tea cup before he eventually asked "Did you get the information I requested?"
Xi Ming frowned. "Yes. I did. But General Fei…"
"This isn't business, Xi Ming. You can call me by just my name."
Xi Ming rapidly shook his head. "N-no! I'm not doing that!"
Fei Li shrugged. "Do as you please. I suppose you already do that since you insist on helping me still despite the war being over. You have fame, honour and wealth. Don't you have something better to do?"
A faint blush dusted over Xi Ming's face and he lowered his head further to hide it. "No. Following you is what I want to do, General."
Fei Li took another sip of his tea."Alright. Continue then."
"Well…" Xi Ming finally raised his gaze to meet Fei Li's. "General… I don't think this is a good idea. Like you said, the war is over now. I don't see how asking about General Lu is good for you. It doesn't matter any more, it's all over. Asking about him doesn't benefit you, in fact getting involved with him is… its…" Its a bad idea. Xi Ming trailed off, unable to finish the sentence as he fidgeted nervously with his tea cup.
Fei Li sighed quietly, staring blankly into the depths of his tea, swirling it silently. "I understand your concerns." He lifted his gaze to look at Xi Ming again. "I want you to report regardless."
Xi Ming's brows knit in concern but he still obeyed. "From what I've found out, General Lu has been… difficult to handle since arriving at the labour camp. He has been disobedient, consistently creating trouble."
"And?" Fei Li prompted. He could tell there was more but Xi Ming was reluctant to voice it. "What else Lieutenant Xi?"
Xi Ming frowned further but pinned under Fei Li's calm, expectant gaze, he could only bitterly finish his report "And… he's been asking for you. He says he won't stop until he gets to see you."
Fei Li was stunned into silence. When he finally recovered from his shock, he contemplated for a long moment in which Xi Ming watched him anxiously.
"General, please tell me you aren't really going to…"
"I am."
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