Capítulo 1: Death and Rebirth. (Revision)
It was the middle of winter, making the weather cold, wet and icy. Just thinking about it had me cuddling further into the blanket I had draped around and across my body. I was sitting in the backseat, bundled up in my own cocoon of warmth.
I didn't exactly hate winter, in fact I thought snow was beautiful in its own way. I just wished it didn't have to be accompanied by freezing temperatures, ice and slush. Even if I preferred being cold to being hot, to me, it would have been better if we could have snow in 60 degrees.
I turned down the volume on my air pods enough to focus in on the conversation my family had been having for the last hour and a half. The same exact conversation.
We had just come from a twilight movie marathon at my aunt's house with one of my cousins. Don't ask why we were still doing twilight marathons. We were in no way obsessed with the series, not at all.
"Jacob is way hotter! He is literally a Werewolf! They run hot, not to mention all those muscles and his abs," My sister practically had drool running down her chin to accompany the sound that escaped her. Sounding halfway between a moan of appreciation and a groan. The fact the entire fandom chose to sexualize a boy who was barely 18 didn't seem to faze her.
"Edward is a Vampire, sweetie. He is made to be perfect. Plus, he is chivalrous and romantic!" My stepmom sighed wistfully making me grimace. I wouldn't have called Edward romantic. Controlling or overbearing? Sure. Romantic? No.
"If we're talking perfection, I think you are missing Esme. She's a MILF if I have ever seen one," Dad interrupted with a teasing smile, and I groaned. I never needed to hear him refer to Esme as a MILF. I could have lived a very long life never hearing that. Even if he was right.
I was being a hypocrite in a way, truth be told I was also head over heels for one of the characters in the books and movies but not one you would anticipate. Tanya. She was everything.
She was smart, attractive, protective, strong, and I would spend forever kissing her if given the opportunity. She deserved the world and it angered me that Stephanie Meyer failed her so heavily. She failed many in the series but none more than Rosalie or the Denali sisters.
Irina didn't deserve to die. Tanya deserved a mate and Rosalie deserved to be a mom. It was unfair that Bella got to just walk into immortality with none of the struggles that other Vampire's face. Then to add insult to injury, she didn't have to give up on motherhood, something she didn't even want! At least not until she became pregnant with Edwards's baby. Then, suddenly, she was willing to risk it all for her unborn child. One second, she wants to spend eternity with Edward. The next second, she is willing to give up Edward and risk forcing him to raise a child he would hate and resent for taking her away.
He told her as much, 'Do you honestly think that I could love it, or even tolerate it, if it killed you?' and somehow, she was still willing to go through with it all. It truly did show her age. Eighteen and as indecisive as the rest of us. She was much too young to be making such life altering decisions.
"He's not wrong," My stepmom mused breaking me out of my thoughts and I wanted to gag. I didn't need to hear about my parents wanting to tag team Esme. Carlisle would have a field day with the information.
Tanya.
Her name rang through my head as she once again became the focus of my thoughts, not that she was ever far from them. I was sure if you looked up the word 'SIMP' at this point you'd only find a picture of me kissing the ground she walks on. Leave it to me to crush so hard on someone who wasn't even real.
Did that make me pathetic? Probably.
Did I care? Not really.
Especially, considering it could be so much worse. I could be crushing on a hundred-year-old teenager or a teen wolf. Toxic ones at that - or at least the love triangle between the three of them was insanely toxic, that doesn't necessarily mean they were toxic individually.
I turned the music back up to tune them all out - even I had a limit on how much I could listen to them SIMP - unless it was about Tanya. Jesus, maybe I had a problem too.
A screech was what brought me out of my thoughts, so loud that I could hear it through my air pods. My head snapped up at breakneck speeds and with a panicked jolt I realized a car was swerving into our lane. It had hit a patch of black ice and was going too fast to regain control of their car.
I was going to die with the song "Everything Sucks," by VaultBoy playing in my air pods. The irony was not lost on me.
I barely saw my family register the danger we were in. My stepmom trying to swerve to avoid the car, but it hit us anyway in its own disastrous spiral.
I was thrown violently to the side. Maybe I really should have taken the advice about seat belts in the back seat more seriously.
Everything happened quickly. I heard screaming though I couldn't tell who it was coming from. We were rolling and tumbling. Pain was breaking out across various parts of my body as I was cut by glass and thrown around the car like a rag doll. A yelp of pain escaped me as the car came to a halt and the only sound, I could hear was a ringing in my own ears.
Just when I was about to thank any deity that existed that I hadn't broken my neck or my spine. Headlights were in my peripherals, and I squeezed my eyes shut in a pointless attempt to not see the truck that was going to finish the job.
My last thought was how disappointed I was that I was going to die, and I'd never get to see Tanya again.
*****
At least I thought I had died until I woke and had no idea where I was. All I could feel was a phantom ache in my limbs and fear. I was curled protectively into a ball, my arms wrapped around…wait.
I wiggled my left toes. One leg.
I wiggled my right toes. Two legs.
I flexed my fingers, either I had three legs or this one certainly wasn't mine. I had a fleeting thought that I really hoped it was a leg.
That thought didn't help control the panic that engulfed me as I tried to open my eyes but was met with nothing but pure darkness.
{Hey, it's okay. Don't be afraid. I'm here.}
As much as I wanted to continue to panic. To tell the voice that them saying 'I'm here,' made no difference to me. I had no clue who they were! Some disembodied voice speaking in my head was not going to help me…except it did. To my chagrin, I calmed down instantly.
{Who are you?}
I asked timidly, and it took me a few moments to realize I hadn't said anything aloud, but I could still hear myself perfectly. Maybe I was alone with a voice belonging to someone I couldn't identify, but at least I wasn't…well, alone alone.
{You'll never be alone. I'm your twin.}
The voice continued to comfort me as I felt something or now, I knew someone grab my fingers and hold them in their own. A sigh of relief that I had been right, it was a leg I had been gripping before.
{Twin?}
I was confused for only a millisecond; I didn't have a twin, but I had always wanted one. Regardless, I had been right in my original assumption. I had died and now I was reborn into a womb. That just felt all kinds of cringe. I suppose it could have been worse, but then weren't you supposed to be reincarnated and mind wiped?
I had heard the stories of children remembering their past lives, but I had been a sceptic. I felt sort of like an ass now. I also felt a little cheated. I didn't have a cool death to brag about - I died in a car accident. How cliché. Would I have lived if I had worn my seatbelt? Remembering the truck that hit our car before I died, I didn't think it would have truly made any difference.
{Yes, I'm your twin sister.}
Her voice had gotten shy probably wondering what I would think about her. I surprised us both by squeezing her hand tighter in mine. I was overwhelmed, no doubt about it, but at least I wasn't alone. It really did make all the difference.
We didn't talk much after that, mostly because we were startled by a lot of screaming voices outside of our 'home'. It felt better than calling it a womb.
I gathered they weren't very happy with the pregnancy, and I couldn't help but wonder why? Was she a teenage mother? Did she have an affair? I had no idea, but there were more voices against us than for us. That wasn't promising at all.
One voice stood out to me though, it was a voice that called to all my baby senses. Simultaneously soothing and honeyed; bathing me in a sense of comfort, love and protection. Overall, it reminded me of home. It was the voice of my mother; I was sure of it.
It was hard to hear their conversations. It was muffled and filled with white noise, only a few times could we make out words and the ones we did; I wished we couldn't. They called us 'it' or 'monster', fought for an abortion and it was only my sister and my mom that brought me any comfort. I could see when my mom would press her hand against our 'home'. I always made sure to put my hand on hers when she did, so she knew I recognized her. Accepted her. That I was waiting for her too.
I felt only small pangs of grief for my previous family, but it was overpowered by excitement for my new life - my mother. I had a stepmom in my last life, one who was much too young for my father if you asked me, but my mother had died only days after my birth.
This was my second chance to have an actual mother. She was waiting for me, and I couldn't wait to meet her. I still had no idea if my sister knew anything about reincarnation or if she was just a baby, but I didn't ask and neither did she. She was intelligent enough to keep up with our conversations, so I didn't care either way. This was my life now.
Tonight, the screaming was particularly loud. It had reached its peak, its climax. I could make out someone screaming "You gave me no choice!" Along with a lot of sobbing and I furrowed my brow. It wasn't my mom crying, I could tell as much but whoever it was sounded incredibly upset.
{I'm scared.}
My sister whimpered and it was the first time she had ever shown some kind of vulnerability in our situation. Usually, it was me who needed reassurance making me firmly believe she was the eldest twin. I was moved that she trusted me, though.
{Of what?}
I asked trying to move closer to her, it was hard. There already wasn't enough room with the two of us and I didn't really think we could get any closer, but I hugged her as best as I could.
{That everyone is going to hate us.}
She whimpered again and I felt a pang in my heart. It had been on my mind too. No one seemed happy we were alive, aside from my mom who I knew loved me so much already. I could hear it in the way she spoke even if there was a hidden sadness under it that I didn't understand.
{Not everyone. Maybe some, but not everyone. Sometimes the only way people can express themselves is through yelling.}
It wasn't a lie. My stepmother and father had yelled a lot in my old life. These people also yelled a lot…but maybe they were just worried about us or something. At least mom loved me. I had her even if I had no one else.
{Why?}
It was hard to answer. How did you explain that rage and frustration were easy to embrace when you were worried or afraid?
{Sometimes, it's easier to be angry than it is to be afraid.}
She seemed to understand but she shuffled closer to me, anyway, needing the comfort. I knew we shouldn't move too much; we had understood enough to know our movements hurt the one who carried us, but we weren't above comfort at such a young age.
I hoped my explanation was right. I had no idea if they were afraid or just angry, but it calmed her down so what harm could a little white lie cause?
The sobbing and screaming continued for a while. I was concerned and though loathe to admit it, a little afraid. I remember reading somewhere that pregnant woman shouldn't be under all this stress and if what we could hear was anything to go by, there was way too much of it. My concern was she would miscarry, and I'd never get to meet my mother. Just the thought hurt my heart.
I shook the thought away when I felt more than I heard my sister whine. She was already afraid and if I became upset, she would feel it and it wouldn't help her. Wracking my brain, I realized I had no idea how to help her. I couldn't hold her, hug her, or rock her. My arm was wrapped around her as best as I could get it and she was snuggled into the side of my body but that was as much comfort as I could offer her in here.
{I could sing to you?} I offered.
Singing had always calmed me. Music was a passion of mine. Singing, Dancing, playing instruments or just listening to music - it was my life…or, at least, it was. She nodded against my shoulder, and I sang the first song that popped into my head.
I'm feeling good on my own, never alone, I'm sitting on my throne now
Looking down, everything I used to know.
I'm carefree, don't need, anything to show I'm Holy
Self-appointed Royalty.
I should've known, didn't know it would be this hard.
I couldn't help but hold on. I built you up, 'til I have nothing, fell apart.
What's the use, What's the use, in being self-destructive
Cause losing you just gave me everything I wanted.
I'm feeling good on my own, never alone, I'm sitting on my throne now
Looking down, everything I used to know.
I'm carefree, don't need, anything to show I'm Holy
Self-appointed Royalty.
I could feel her relax as I sang, and I rubbed my small fingers into her back until we both fell asleep.
******
Time moved slow, or maybe it was moving fast and we just had no idea. I had no way to keep track of time, no idea how much time was supposed to have passed. No clue how far along we were supposed to be. I'm sure we were growing, but it was subtle enough that I could not find a way to track it! The only things that kept me sane were my own thoughts, my mother's voice the few times I could hear it, and my sister.
After the first time, she asked me to sing much more often. We really had nothing else to do and the fighting was emotionally draining on the both of us. Thankfully, I knew a million songs; but it wasn't until I went to sing them to her that I realized how just 'not for children' modern day songs are.
Sleep also proved to be one of my best friends; who would have thought that when I finally had the time to sleep as much as I wanted, I wanted it to be over? It wasn't that I had somehow developed a hatred of sleep or anything! Certainly not, but my impatience for my mom and my exhaustion over the constant arguing were both starting to weigh on me.
My favorite time of the day was at night. Everything was quiet, there was no arguing, no crying; just quiet. My sister would fall asleep first. Loud snoring could be heard that I was half convinced came from a bear my family must be keeping as some form of pet. But the best part? My mom would start humming.
It baffled me how someone could have both a normal voice and a singing voice that were so mellifluous, silvery and sweet. I quickly became addicted to it. To the point that I almost couldn't sleep without it. Despite how much I enjoyed this moment, with just the two of us, her voice always held a hint of sorrow I could never understand.
I wanted to ask her why it was there. Make it go away. She never deserved to be sad. Tonight, was no different, except that something was wrong. The sorrow had somehow turned the tune from pleasant to haunting. As if she was mourning, resigned, hopeless. All I wanted was for her to hold me so I could make her happy again.
It made me determined, gave me a new goal in life. To always make my mother happy, never see her sad. I would do just about anything for her already. The longer I listened, the more I could practically feel her emotions. My heart ached with empathy. My eyes stung with unshed tears.
I refused to ever hear that tone from my mom again. Anyone who made her sad, would have me to deal with.
The hauntingly beautiful tune came to an end, and she placed her hand against our 'home.' Quick as lightning I placed my own against hers, pressing firmly. Wiling her to feel me. To know that I was right here. I had figured long ago that while my sister and I may be twins, we had different mothers.
The woman who carried us belonged to my sister, but this was mine.
We never talked about it, we never really established it, but I was sure my sister was intelligent enough to understand it. Whoever this woman was, I was created specifically to be hers and I couldn't wait to finally meet her.
{I'm coming, mom. Just a little longer.}
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