Capítulo 89: You may now kiss the....Frog?!
Who could have known that just 2 minutes of walking later I would arrive at a very special place? It was as if a higher power had decided that we made enough jokes about walking for literal hours.
Damn it, I already had prepared so many things I wanted to rant about and now that chance has been taken from me. Even Rick was stunned into silence by this great injustice. That, and he was a tiny, tiny bit very, very dead.
The two of us had come to a magical pond that was surrounded by beautiful, smiling flowers and banjo-playing fairies. Yes, the flowers did have a human face with a creepy grin on them. YES, the fairies were playing the banjo... I could not tell whether this was a bootleg horror movie or if someone hated normal fairytales with a passion.
Getting an answer to that question seemed even more out of reach as the water in the pond suddenly split in two and a mountain of green flesh slowly made its way to the top.
It was a bulking mass of muscles that caused the earth to tremble with every single step. It was the answer to the question of what would happen if a frog did all the steroids and that daily for years.
Which fetish were we currently catering to? Seriously, why do we have to throw bait to all these freaks to keep them happy?
Could we not be normal for once?
Well....we all knew that was not going to happen. Because a roid-abusing amphibian was the most normal thing in this story at the moment. Normal had long stopped being normal in this place.
Its 2 front-faced eyes looked at me and lingered on my hands for a painful amount of time. Should I be worried about them ending up as food for its awfully strong tongue? I heard a lot of people were into those that could use their tongue really well─but I highly doubt that they meant that in the sense of ripping your literal skull off.
" RIBBIT, RIBBIT, RIBBIT" it was nearly growling at me with the sound that escaped its mouth, but somehow the frog seemed to be in great pain.
" RIBBIT, RIBBIT, RIBBIT" with its front legs it pointed at its mouth; it was trying to tell me something.
Yet, I had not spoken froggish since I was 3 years old, I had to muster all my suppressed memories to understand the spoken words. Just kidding, my brain could not make any sense whatsoever out of this whole mess.
In life, there had not been that many cases, where a frog tried to talk to me. Shocking, I know. Regardless, of this weird situation, this creature needed my help... and not because it would literally kill me if I did not figure out what the hell it wanted me to do.
My motivation to save this frog was purely out of selfless interest. And not, because I preferred for my head to stay on my body. Anybody, who disagreed with me could look up Stockholm syndrome....
But, was there even a problem, to begin with? I mean, the frog had a gigantic sticker on its mouth that prevented it from breathing... yet was that really all? Normally, there should be a bigger problem than pulling off a sticker.
Wait, something was written on it, I walked closer to the frog in order to determine what secretive message was left behind on its mouth.
"Please, pull me off!"
Truly the most cryptic message I had ever laid my eyes upon...could someone please tell me what I should do next? Because one needed a brain the size of this whole galaxy system in order to unravel this instruction.
Which milky-sized genius could figure out what this cryptic message was saying...Anyhow, it took around 2 seconds to solve this inhuman task and rip the sticker off its mouth.
"Thank you, good Sir. You have no idea, how many people could not follow the simplest instruction I kept on giving to them. I always told them to 'Rip it, to Rip it." Yet these people kept on trying to imitate me"
An English-speaking frog; of course, there was a frog, who spoke with a British accent.
While flexing its rock-hard muscles, its mouth soon opened...only to speak the most cursed and horrible words my ears did never want to hear.
" I am a cursed Frog Princess. Once you kiss me and prove your worth with that tongue of yours─I shall transform into the most beautiful princess of all. I ask thee wanderer, who walks around carrying a skull named Rick, would you not free me of this terrible appearance?"
The frog closed its eyes and leaned forward to receive the kiss that would free it from its froggy prison.
Everyone was aware that curses such as this did not exist; this novel would clearly never have a decently written female character. Thus, the frog was just a frog and pretty horny, It merely wanted some good old tongue action.
Nothing more and nothing less than that.
I might be desperate, but not desperate enough to make out with a hot frog. Look, Froggy the anabolic fiend was just not my type.
My first exchange of saliva should not be done with someone, who would hug the leg press more often than me. The offer was much appreciated, but we clearly lived in 2 different worlds─it lived in its magical pond with the creepy flowers and I was an author.
"Sorry, dear Princess, but I will have to decline that offer. My tongue was not worthy of entering you. May you someday find someone worthy!"
After a quick bow, I simply wanted to get out of this place, before the "Princess" would get other ideas. My virginity should not be lost to this mighty, muscular, sexy and handsome royalty.
Stop right there Brain! We do not want to go down that route!
Or did we really want to weird out all of these 207 weirdos that actually read this story? Yes, we should not risk our small current success for one simple joke about bestiality. We all know that this thing would be like an animal in the bed...but just no. Keep it in your pants, young author.
The frog, however, looked at me with its big, innocent eyes and questioned the words that just had left my mouth.
It had worked in that one fairytale, so why would this weird human not want to get a Princess? Was this human more into princes? It was 2022, the frog knew better than to assume someone's sexual preferences.
It had been cancelled once one social media─it would not do the same stupid mistake again.
These thoughts were currently running through that smooth frog brain. I was certain that it must be making new plans... new, evil plans for me to insert my tongue into its mouth.
Yes, the frog would surely stop at nothing until we both made out with one another. This pervert, how could it see me as some sort of object? There was more to me than just my tongue. I had other body parts that could be sexualized too, okay?
Please Frog, look at me directly and see what I really was...on second thought, I was hella ugly and looked like some sort of sewer creature. Focussing on my tongue of all things was suddenly okay with me.
Maybe, losing my first kiss to a frog of all things was not such a bad choice. Maybe, a sexy princess would come out of this whole deal. Yes, why should it not...would anyone lie about such a thing?
My body moved forward on its own and my eyes closed themselves in sheer anticipation of that slimy, fly-devouring tongue of its.
Though things developed slightly different afterwards...
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