Capítulo 12: Legalization
When we did get home, there was hardly any energy left for anything, but I still played with Harley for a bit after we had a snack.
Today was a crazy day, but it was worth it because I got the free points I needed, status by the way:
[The First Beginning (body): 46
The Second Beginning (prana): 15
The Third Beginning (astral): 7
The Fourth Beginning (core): 10
The Fifth Beginning (spirit): 19
The Sixth Beginning (mind): 43
The Seventh Beginning (magic): 0
The Eighth Beginning (immortality): blocked
The Ninth Beginning (of the deities.) blocked
Free points: 11]
Eleven? But how? There should be ten. Four for defusing the bombs, one for saving the girl, and five for defeating the Clayface. I haven't looked in here in a while because I didn't see the point. This isn't some system from the Chinese nowels where the hero raises a hundred points each day, and where the powers of the strongest entities are numbered in the millions. Hmm, although in this world they can be in the millions too, like Darkseid, who is the ruler of Apokolips and also one of the strongest beings in this universe. And I may very well have to face him.
System, where did the extra point come from?
[Free points are earned by completing quests]
Okay, that's understandable, but when did I have time to complete the extra quest? That's right!
System, is there an alert for regular quests?
[Notifications are disabled by default for regular quests, should I turn it on?]
No, you don't.
Now it's clear that I got an extra point for keeping my identity switched.
Hmm... System, what other settings are available to me?
[Enable/disable alerts]
Not much. But I'm glad I have the System. Without it, I wouldn't have gotten here, and I'd still be hanging out in the interworld.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha."
Again these memories, I admit their effectiveness in some moments, but sometimes they're completely out of place, though now I'll find it easier to sleep.
Pretty soon I'll have accumulated enough free points and I'll be able to forget about the constant pain. It's much less of a distraction now, lingering somewhere on the edge of my consciousness, but when I move, it does not forget to remind me of itself with a not-so-pleasant palette of feelings.
***
This morning was again quite pleasant, starting from the fact that it started around one o'clock and ending with the efforts of the girl, who would soon make it a habit to wake me up with her mouth.
This time I decided to repay my assistant and make her feel good with my tongue, which made her very happy, but she was extremely embarrassed by my actions. At the same time I found out why Harley doesn't want to use rubber bands, she just wants to feel me completely without any obstacles, that's why she stretches her ass so diligently, because her changed organism can handle even poisons with relative ease, not to mention contraceptives.
After a light breakfast, we went to the library, where my blondie didn't miss the opportunity to brag about her accomplishment to the heroine, who clearly didn't sleep well today, having come to work this morning and resembling a ruffled sparrow.
"Hi Babs. I got a cunnilingus today!"
"You couldn't have been less vulgar..." Batgirl mumbled, pulling her head off the countertop and blushing, glaring at me. Noticing this, I did not miss the opportunity to stick out my long tongue, after which the girl lowered her face and now only her reddened ears were visible.
"Here's five thousand," I put a wad of bills on the table. "It's up to you from here."
"Okay," the redhead took the money, then looked at our colorful couple again and turned crimson again. How pretty she is after all at times like this, you just want to embarrass and squeeze her even more. Luckily, Harley caught my thoughts.
"What a paw you are!"
A second to overcome the table and my assistant cradles the confused heroine.
"Let me go."
Batgirl sluggishly resisted. For a normal person, a sleepless night and moral tension, of course, do not pass without a trace, but she is too passive.
"A little more."
"Aum-m..." Barbara yawned widely, finding herself in someone else's arms. "Okay, just put me down later."
"Nah, it's no fun when you're like this..." my assistant licked her victim's ear. "Hey, she's napping!"
"Hmm, really," I walked over and touched the heroine's cheek. "I think we should close the library for now. Look, this is the third day we've been here, and I haven't seen any visitors yet."
"Well, all this information is digitized and on the Internet. It's a lot more convenient than going somewhere else."
"Yeah."
I'm fine with that, but it's still very unusual, because in my world I also had electronic copies of books, but I still wanted to read the paper version sometimes.
We were seated at the table, and Harley made a bed out of some chairs, where she put the heroine, placing her head on her lap.
"We used to lie like this with Ivy sometimes."
"We'll save your friend," I said, pulling away from my reading, "but we'll have to talk to her first. We've become heroes, and that means using legal methods of release. The big question is, will Ivy agree to stop attacking people who hurt plants? She'll see some guy ordering a salad at the cafeteria and rip his head off. Or she'll start killing people who stomp on lawns."
"Mr. J, she's not completely stupid, and she's eating the same lettuce just fine. Ivy only attacks people who do a lot of damage to nature: dumping chemical waste, mass deforestation," she thoughtfully ran her fingers through the hair of the girl lying in her lap.
"Hmm... That's already easier to work with, except we still need to talk to her."
"So let's go see her," my assistant's suggestion was too sudden.
"In Arkham?"
"Yeah, it's like forty percent of the guards there are bought, and you're very well respected."
The gears were turning in my head. So we could go visit Harley's friend right now and talk to her. Besides, if she's not a total eco-activist, I can try to appeal to her reason and suggest an alternative to punishing people who harm nature. There are laws governing such activities, so Ivy could use her plants to spy on such people and then sue them. Of course, there are corrupt judges, but, for example, at the regional level would be a good publicity. Besides, Poison Ivy can then offer his services to restore polluted or cut down areas. If my plan works out, it won't be long before I'll be able to close the quest, get a bunch of points to pump up, and initiate a source of magic.
"So you're sure you can sneak us into Ivy's place?" I clarified once more.
The girl thought for a second, covering her eyes:
"If it's Tuesday, then the shift we need will be in the evening. We can move out in two hours."
"Hmm, then tell me more about the penetration–"
Harley blushes.
"–into the secure facility".
I have vague doubts that Arkham Asylum, the island's designated mental hospital, is a thoroughfare.... Though considering all the fucked up, which took place there in games, comics, serials, animated series and feature films, this place is more like a boarding house for addicts, where everything is designed for voluntary stay and the desire to correct.... Hmm, maybe there's a reason Harley mentioned the asylum as the Joker's vacation spot.
It's not as bad as I thought at first and it's very hard for a normal psycho to escape from this asylum. Forty percent of the guards are indeed bought, but they are bought by various supervillains: Penguin, Two-Face, the Joker, Enigma, and other savvy individuals. So a guard bribed by Penguin can turn a blind eye if his employer gets a transfer, but if they try to do it for another patient, it won't work. Naturally, you won't be able to organize violence either, but it is quite possible to provide yourself with more or less comfortable conditions. The most curious thing is that for Ivy was allocated a whole greenhouse instead of a standard cell, because to contain the mutant with her powers is quite difficult, because she from a tiny seed can grow a huge tree, which will take her to freedom, so Harley's girlfriend just provided comfortable living conditions, where no one bothers her.
It is because of this that Ivy is relatively easy to visit, passing only two guard posts: one at the entrance of the asylum, and the second at the greenhouse, which is a separate building on the edge of the island.
The Arkham Psychiatric Hospital for the Most Dangerous Offenders is a small island located northwest of Somerset. The asylum consists of a complex of buildings: a mansion where the employees usually live, a medical block, an intensive care unit, a greenhouse and a prison block, most of which is hidden beneath the surface and covers two-thirds of the available space. Naturally, there are catacombs beneath the island, as well as the rest of the city, through which it can be accessed.
"Uhm..." Babs curled up in Harley's lap, then groaned and opened her eyes sharply.
"Wake the fuck up, Samurai. We have a city to burn," I greeted the clueless girl.
"What!!!" she stood up abruptly, almost colliding her forehead with the blonde's and stared at me with a wild look.
"Just kidding... At least you're awake."
"Don't joke like that again," the young heroine turned her attention to her surroundings. "Why am I here?"
"You fell asleep in Harley's arms, so we thought we'd let you get some rest."
"Shit, I still have my laptop and your money in there!" the redhead started pushing the chairs back vigorously to get out.
"Don't worry, we locked the doors."
"Oh, all right, then."
The pace of dismantling the makeshift bed has slowed down considerably.
"I don't understand is why you're sitting here, there's no visitors," I decided to clarify my question with Barbara.
"Because I'm paid to do it, that's why I'm here. It's not the local government, it's the Wayne Enterprises Corporation that provides the money to maintain the heritage. And people don't come here because ninety-five percent of the information is in an electronic archive with working hyperlinks and easy searching."
"I see... All right, let's go, Hurley."
"Where are you going?"
"We thought we'd go to Arkham to talk to Ivy," I said, getting up from the table.
"For what?"
"We want to convince her to stop being so radical, and then get her released."
"Oh... Can I come with you?"
"I'm sorry, but no. Still, infiltration wouldn't exactly be legal and could affect your career as a heroine."
Actually I was afraid that the guards might not let us through if we showed up in a big crowd, and besides my words are not without logic either.
"Good," Babs did dismantle the chairs and walked awkwardly to the caretaker's seat.
Hmm... That reminds me of something, I looked at Harley who was walking in a similar manner yesterday. Nah, that definitely can't be... That's right, she pulled her leg yesterday! That's why she's walking so strangely. Shaking my head, I focused on the task at hand.
On the way out of the library we said goodbye to the girl and even wished her good luck, although Harley wanted a kiss and again went to Batgirl, but I had to cool her ardor by reminding her of the time: I didn't want to go back to the shelter at three in the morning.
Our way lay to a regular bus stop, from where we reached the bridge over the small strait separating normal people from the lunatics. The descent into the already annoying sewer and the change of images to our standard appearance passed without conscious participation. The bag with unnecessary things is sent to the improvised stash, at times like this I really regret the lack of inventory. I hope that after receiving magic, I will be able to get the necessary spell, although I have no idea how to do it. I don't think John Constantine or Zatanna would be willing to teach me, and it would be expensive to mess with dark mages.
We descend lower and lower to get over the water barrier. The brickwork on the walls is replaced by monolithic blocks with water slowly dripping down from the surface. The passages become narrower and more winding; if it weren't for my assistant, I'd be lost by now. The kilometers of earth above my head are starting to weigh on my mind and even the air is getting kind of musty despite the high humidity. Occasionally a mouse squeak is heard from the darkness, but the girl, on the contrary, reassures me by telling me about Killer Croc, and I recognized that meeting him would be much more undesirable.
After a full hour of ascending and descending, and passing through natural caverns formed by earthquakes, we find ourselves among half-destroyed aqueducts, pushing aside a disguised door, which on both sides imitated ordinary rough stone, and if one did not know it, one would never guess it.
"It won't be long now" said the blonde as the surrounding walls became regular brick again.
After about twenty meters we again came to a disguised door, through which we entered a semi-basement storage room with a small window at ground level. We climb out through the window, and then make a march to the visible glass dome, carefully avoiding the viewable areas, and brake not far from the double doors over which the camera hangs.
"Now we wait. They make their rounds every half hour."
We were lucky, because three minutes later, a man came outside and smoked a cigarette not far from us.
"Psst," Harley called out to the shaken man, "I gotta go see Ivy."
"Come by after me in two minutes. Forty minutes to visit, then my shift's over." the guard didn't even turn in our direction and leisurely finished his cigarette before disappearing out the door. The allotted time was up, and we entered following the guard, finding ourselves in a small anteroom with two men. I noticed a couple of sealed suits with closed breathing systems, but I ignored them, because Ivy wouldn't brainwash me in front of my friend. Our acquaintance was standing at the door with the coded lock, holding a key card at the ready, while the other sat at the table, shuffling a playing deck.
"Joker..." The man who saw me turned sharply pale, he didn't seem to expect the harlequin to show up accompanied by her boss.
The guard at the table also noticed me and jumped up, stretching at attention.
"Ha-ha, you guessed it," I smile, stretching my lips as much as possible, making the man turn paler. "Now quickly let us in."
"Yes, sir!"
The lock beeped and the door opened silently. We walk inside, finding ourselves in an airlock room. The door closes behind us and in a few seconds we find ourselves in a veritable kingdom of plants.
Everywhere you look, you can see the vegetation, and it grew very harmoniously, not causing a sense of abandonment, even with such a gardener.
"Visitors. Again," from deep in the jungle came a melodious female voice. "You've been coming to see me a lot."
"Ivy, it's me!"
"Harley?!" there was genuine surprise and joy in her voice. "Did you get caught up with that asshole again and you decided to come visit me?"
The lianas parted and a real dryad appeared before us. A beautiful red-haired and green-eyed girl with a greenish tint to her skin, which did not spoil her beauty at all, but only added zest. Her clothes were ordinary leaves, which hid everything interesting, but at the same time left little room for fantasy.
"Ivy!" a second and my assistant threw herself around the dryad's neck and then kissed her on the lips.
The girl was clearly confused by such a greeting, goggle-eyed, and for the first moment did not know where to put her hands, but then she too hugged her blonde friend, clearly enjoying the process.
"Did you really dump that asshole and now we can be together?" Ivy asked the first question as she broke the kiss.
"Actually, this "asshole" is here," I decided to make my presence known.
"What's he doing here?"
I was immediately enveloped by vines, beginning to strangle me...This was something I hadn't considered in my plans.
"Ivy, let him go!"
Harley rushed over to me, trying to pull off the reanimated plants, but they only tightened more.
"Ivy, please..."
Tears came to the blonde's eyes as I fell to my knees from lack of oxygen.
"Okay."
Reluctantly, the vines loosened my throat and returned to the nearest trees.
"Kha... Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"The fuck you're laughing at, asshole," there was no trace left of the red-haired girl's joyful mood.
"Ivy, come on, Mr. J and I are just here to talk," the girl helped me up, throwing angry glances at Pamela.
"I have nothing to talk to that asshole about!"
Ugh, it's a good thing I didn't come out here alone, and I thought I would.
"For me, please," the blonde continued to beg.
"Hmph, okay. Let's talk while I'm being kind."
"Somehow we got off on the wrong foot..."
"We got off on the wrong foot?! Yeah, because of your fucking reservoir poisoning adventure, tens of thousands of plants died, and not only that, you abandoned Harley to escape Batman. I still don't understand why she's messing around with an asshole like that," the dryad was approaching me menacingly.
"To be honest, so do I–"
"What?" My words threw her off balance a bit.
" –I don't understand why she didn't leave me, even though I treated her like a thing–"
"Mr. J, don't, now you're treating me like a..." she tried to gesture at the emotion enveloping her.
"–Like the most beloved, faithful, mind-blowing, and desirable girl?"
"Yes," Harley's eyes glistened with tears of happiness and boundless adoration.
Kissing the beautiful blonde, hearing the surrounding trees begin to crackle.
"He's messing with your head again!" with each word, the dryad grew more and more enraged. "He brought you here on purpose so you could talk me into participating in his next plan! But guess what... It's not gonna happen! I'll get rid of that pale bastard, even if you hate me!"
A second and a real tree spear flies at my head, which I barely dodge, jumping away from my assistant, which is exactly what the dryad wanted.
"Ivy, stop!"
But Pamela was too absorbed in her anger, gently pushing away with her plants, the girl trying to break through to me.
It sucks...
"Ha-ha-ha!"
The flashback about the Interworld helps me concentrate as much as possible and it's the only thing that saves me from being trapped by the plants. Once again, I dodge the spear by rolling to the side and almost nose to nose with some beautiful flower with a closed bud, which immediately released a dense cloud of pollen at me.
"Ah-choo!"
"That's it my sweetie, now let Aunt Isley poke you with that thing," the red-haired girl approached me with a soft gait, swinging her spear.
"I just came to talk."
"It didn't work?" she froze for a moment, then grinned. "Then it's worse for you!"
Once again, several spears fly in my direction, which I have to dodge.
"Ha-ha-ha!"
"Stop laughing, you bastard!"
She seems to think I'm mocking her, but it's the only way I can stay as attentive as possible and not feel the pain from the sudden maneuvers, besides, he's the one who helped me not get influenced by the pheromones from the flower. Laughter prolongs life. Literally.
Another ten seconds of death dance, where I show all the flexibility of my body, but still get a few nasty scratches.
"You're getting the hang of it," the girl said gloatingly as I shifted slightly away from the entrance and found myself surrounded by a few trees. "Goodbye."
A dozen tree spears flew at me at once.
"No-o-o-o!" with a wild scream, Harley, who had still managed to break through the hedge, turns up in front of me and is now trying to cover me with her body.
Time has stopped. I won't be able to push her out of the kill zone in time, but I can do something else...
I mentally throw all available points into the first start, hoping it will work, not even paying attention to the window that pops up, and then I cover the girl with my body, trying to shift us so that fewer spears fly into me.
I feel the weapon stick into my right side, tearing the flesh, and the next moment the same thing happens to my right leg, and then it's the turn of my left shoulder blade. Surprisingly, only three of the spikes hit me, but the main thing is that Harley wasn't hurt. Before I can rejoice, I'm hit by a wave of blinding pain, and I collapse on top of my beloved, losing consciousness.
***
"Aah!" I scream wildly, trying to jump up from the bed, but strong arms pull me back down.
"Mr. J, it's okay, lie still, let your wounds heal."
"Ha-ha-ha-ha."
[Smoothing out the emotional peak.]
The pain in my back and leg recedes momentarily as my brain analyzes the situation. So I survived after all? Not bad. I should make it a habit to think of the interworld more often during the battle, because this time, it was too badly timed. My assistant is definitely sitting next to me and it's her voice I heard after waking up, so everything is fine, but it's worth clarifying.
"Harley, are you okay, did you get hit?"
"I'm fine, Mr. J, but you're pretty banged up."
"Huh, come on, it's not the first time. I've been out of this mess before. Listen, I was thinking maybe we should talk to your friend in a month when she's cooled down. I don't think she's ready to go out in public yet, if she's throwing herself at people like that. And it's best to talk to her with her tied up and all the plants out of the way..."
"Oh, there will be binding," my assistant said gloatingly. "Let's get to it!"
"To what?"
"I'm not talking to you, Mr. J."
I felt a stirring in my groin, someone awkwardly unbuttoning my pants, bringing my dignity out. Don't tell me... I open my eyes and lift my head, seeing one notable redhead with several pink flowers in it. I'm lying on a bed of leaves while Isley looks at my cock questioningly. To my left sits Harley, who nudges the villain's head gently.
"Begin."
"Uh... I don't know what's going on here, but let's dispense with the coercion."
The dryad casts me a serious look from under her frowning eyebrows.
"No one's forcing anyone here..." the blonde waved the question away lightly. "But if someone wants to be forgiven, they'll do what I say."
Sighing heavily, Ivy stuck her tongue out and licked the very tip.
"Good for you, now start working your head more actively."
Ivy opened her mouth wider, pulling her tongue outward, and then began sucking vigorously. Two minutes, the flight is normal, partly this is exactly what I dreamed of, but I was counting more on reciprocity rather than orders.
"You're not trying hard enough," Harley slapped her friend's ass, making her head work harder. "That's better, now do a little breast work."
The redhead broke away, unclasping her voluminous cans, and began to do some titsjob. Hmmm... That's funny, Harley had trouble with that because of her small breast size.
"Now stick out your tongue and say, "I want your milk, master."
"I want your milk, master."
"More erotic!" a new hit landed on Isley's ass, but she seemed to like the attention my assistant was getting.
"I want your milk, master," said Pamela in a more erotic voice and started sucking again, helping herself with her breasts.
I couldn't take the double attack for long:
"I'm going to cum!"
"To swallow it all!"
Tight jet hit the dryad's mouth, and she began to swallow my seed noisily.
"Mwah..." the girl pulled away breathing heavily.
"What do you need to say?" asked the blonde in a stern voice.
"Thank you, master."
"Mr. J, did you enjoy it?"
"Yes," I pulled Harley to me and kissed her. "I certainly enjoyed it a lot, but why don't you tell me what's wrong?"
"Just a second," my girlfriend looked at Ivy. "You don't deserve a kiss yet.... Although..." she quickly pulled down her pants, "you can kiss here."
The blonde spread her pussy a little, and Pamela was right there, working her tongue in and out of her pussy much more than she had with me.
Whatever, I liked it anyway, so let's make it nice for the horny blonde by continuing to kiss her. My hands join the caresses, playing with the moaning girl's breasts.
I can feel that she is already on the verge, a small shiver covers her body, a little more and Harley presses the head of the redheaded beauty harder into her crotch.
"Yes!" the harlequin finished impetuously and it took her a while to recover.
"Phew, that was awesome. Mr. J, now you can fuck your slave. Hey, don't slow down and set your ass up!" yelled the blonde at the hesitant girl.
"That's it, stop. Stop. I'd rather fuck you, but first you're going to tell me what I missed."
After telling my assistant, I confirmed my hunch. Ivy was convinced that I had really changed, because I was ready to sacrifice myself to save Harley, and even organized my treatment, immersing me in a healing sleep and wrapping me with special leaves that accelerate regeneration, but the blonde decided not to talk to her betrayed friend at all, so the dryad begged for forgiveness for a long time, until she blurted out that she would do anything to redeem herself, and then Harley did not miss her chance. Now there would be no problems with Pamela's return to the bosom of law-abiding citizens, because the girl herself was eager to be free, having appreciated the advantages of her new position. And although Poison Ivy still quietly hated the same clown, but at least she would be able to become closer platonically with her lover.
"How long have I been asleep?"
"Almost twenty-four hours. It's because of the plants, but you should be fine now, Mr. J."
"Yes, I'm feeling better already. What about the guards? Shouldn't they have raised the alarm when we went missing?"
"Nothing, I warned the shift last night that we'd be staying the night, so we've got," she glanced quickly at her watch, "ten minutes to wait and we can get out of here."
"Great, well, don't bother me yet, I've got something I want to think about."
I covered my eyes, summoning my status, which had undergone a slight change:
[The First Beginning (body): 53
The Second Beginning (prana): 15
The Third Beginning (astral): 7
The Fourth Beginning (core): 10
The Fifth Beginning (spirit): 19
The Sixth Beginning (mind): 43
The Seventh Beginning (magic): 0
The Eighth Beginning (immortality): blocked
The Ninth Beginning (of the deities.) blocked
Free points: 0]
But why so few? I had eleven points left, and that should have been enough to raise my first start to fifty-seven points. Calling up the previous message, I realized what was wrong:
[The First Beginning (body): 50. Human limit reached, further improvement requires x2 free points]
That's a setup, I guess I won't be able to reach the level I need anytime soon, because if I understand correctly, even the effectiveness of normal exercises will be halved.
"Mr. J, it's time," Harley gently touched my shoulder.
"Fine," I replied, getting up from the cot. "Ivy, try to show as soon as possible that you have become more adequate and leave these hospitable walls, Harley and I will be waiting for you."
"Alright," the redhead glimpsed her friend, "master."
"You can stop calling me that, I can tell you don't like it."
"Nah, let her call you master, otherwise it's bullshit, not punishment."
"Aright." I'll deal with it later.
The guards changed to the ones we needed, and we were able to leave the greenhouse, returning along the route we had already taken. The way home flew by in no time at all
"Too bad Ivy won't be out for a while yet," my assistant said a little sadly as we sat at the table eating dinner.
"Why?"
"Dr. Strange was transferred to Blackgate, so it's hard to get a mental health certificate now.... It's not hard, it takes a long time. That weird old man used to give a certificate of cure if the patient started to show positive signs."
"So that's how it is."
In my head I began to formulate a plan for my legalization and faster completion of the quest related to Ivy's release.
***
"Whew... All or nothing..." with those words, I pressed the intercom button at the wrought iron gate.
Nothing happened for a minute, but then a polite voice with a British accent came from the speaker.
"Wayne Manor. What is your business?"
"Hello, I'd like to speak to Bruce Wayne."
"I'm sorry, but master Bruce is a very busy man, you can make an appointment with him through his secretary."
"It's really, really important. I can't even voice the reason while standing at the gate because I'm afraid we might be overheard."
Five seconds of silence and the gate begins to slowly open due to automation. It's a wonder they let me in; a man in a Gotham Hounds uniform isn't exactly trustworthy.
The Wayne estate was surrounded by a small garden of stunted vegetation. And what did I want at the end of fall? I should be more surprised by the still greenish lawn, although that could be due to the proximity of the ocean and low temperature swings.
A classic butler, dressed in a black suit with a red vest underneath, was already waiting for me at the main doors. The man was quite tall, about one hundred and eighty centimeters, so his height was almost equal to mine. Carefully arranged gray hair covered only the back of his head and temples, and his slightly elongated face had a rather lush mustache painted black for some reason, which created an unusual contrast.
"Alfred Pennyworth at your service. Master Bruce will be free in twenty minutes. How shall I introduce you?"
I froze at the porch, making no attempt to rise.
"The Joker."
The man flinched and stared at me with an unblinking gaze for a long moment, examining my outfit. The camera probably didn't capture all the glamor of my appearance.
"If need be, I can wait for him here."
Another long pause.
"You may pass, but I must warn you that the house is equipped with the most advanced defense system, so you'll be paralyzed before you can even squeak."
"I'll keep that in mind."
I gingerly stepped over the threshold of Batman's house.
Alfred led me into the living room and then left without even offering tea, still he is some wrong butler, but I am not offended, frankly speaking, if I were in his place, I would leave such a character as the Joker behind the threshold.
There was time to look around carefully. All the objects in the room literally breathed antiquity and luxury. Carved wooden panels on the walls, magnificent oak parquet, partially covered by a carpet with a short pile, high-quality furniture covered with genuine leather. There was even a real fireplace, in which coals were slowly smoldering, and a knight's armor in the corner.
I landed on one of the couches that didn't even creak under my weight, sitting down with my back to the door. The furniture looked antique, but that wasn't synonymous with ancient ruin.
As we walked here the surroundings were not inferior to this place in the slightest. It's amazing how Alfred single-handedly manages to clean all the rooms... Though maybe Bruce only uses a couple rooms and cans the rest? Even so, there's still plenty of room to clean: the kitchen, the study, the bedroom, this living room, the butler's bedroom, the bathrooms, the central hall of the manor through which we've passed, and the bat-cave, where we can hide a couple of life-size Terexes. Yes, the old man should be given a monument in his lifetime if he manages to keep this place clean and tidy! Thinking about Alfred's duties helped distract me, so I didn't even notice that there was a notable person standing behind me for a minute.
"Joker, you have two minutes to explain yourself before I call the police."
Turning around, I faced the scrutinizing gaze of the blue eyes of Bruce Wayne, who was standing in the aisle.
"I've come to make a deal."
"No deals."
"Well... Specifically nothing for you, though there are some options, such as related to problems for competitors–"
The man's hand clenched into a fist.
"–I just assumed, because to offer this option to the world's most honest businessman... Listen, can you sit down already, because it is uncomfortable to talk to a man who stands behind your back, where is your hospitality?"
The owner of the house quickly walked around the room and stood opposite, behind the back of the second sofa. I could now get a better look at the main enemy of all Gotham crime. He was a tall, broad-shouldered man with stern features and a broad, strong-willed chin. His black hair was neatly combed, or should I say licked to the right side. His eyebrows were slightly pulled down over his eyes, and the thin line of his lips, without a hint of a smile, made his expression even more severe.
"Speak," the man glared at me steadily.
"I have a proposition for Batman."
"You've come to the wrong place."
"Come on, Bats, I've known about your secret identity for a long time. It's just that you shouldn't mix fun and privacy. As long as you pretend to be a billionaire your options are limited, but once you put on the mask... It took me almost three months to figure you out, but it's been a year and a half since then, and as you can see, I'm only telling you about it now. So you don't have to worry about that secret, I haven't even told Harley. Just so you know, it's not blackmail or anything like that, it's just a demonstration of my knowledge."
Bruce kept a stony expression on his face, not shaking a single muscle, that's what I call self-control. That's the level I only reach when I think of the interworld.
"Ha-ha," laughter bursts out of me and I have to clamp my hands over my mouth, damn, I shouldn't have remembered that place right now. "Sorry, I can't control it sometimes."
Now the man across from me has gotten even more collected, though where's the more....
"Ahem... I'm going to get on the Arkham–"
"Fine, I'll call you a cab."
"–Wait, I didn't finish my sentence. If you, or rather Batman, fulfill a few conditions. First of all, assist in Ivy's release, she promised not to rage anymore, and Harley will look after her. Accordingly, the second request: do not persecute my assistant, she will already suffer while I will sit in Arkham."
"Why would you do that?"
"Heh... Haven't you been paying attention to the reports of Harley and then the Joker helping victims of robberies?"
"I read a post about you beating up Arthur Phillips and Bruce Benner, breaking the latter's leg."
"What?! Those assholes were gonna rob, kill and rape a woman, in that order. Anyway, I realized that until I'm officially healthy, I'm not going to be treated normally by normal people. So I began to heroize myself as a new kind of Knight of Moonlight! And I, with my partners, have already managed to defeat the Clayface."
A look of surprise flashed in Bruce's eyes.
"What happened to you?"
"I just realized something, Bats, this world is full of shit as it is. All sorts of supervillains and creatures from outer space and other dimensions are out to destroy our fragile planet. There's already too much chaos on Earth, so we don't need to make it worse... You know, there are some people who think that to create a new society, you have to completely destroy the old one. Tear it down to the ground... But that's not the way to do it. It's a kind of adolescent maximalism. You can consider me grown up, huh. A lot of radical groups, like Demon's Head, don't even think about what comes after. Yeah, they might have some sort of plan, but it's unlikely to stand up to the harsh reality."
Now it's worth talking a bit about the Joker's motivations, which I realized for myself by reading comics in the past world and newspaper files in this one.
"Ahem, I was getting awfully pissed off at your integrity. Maniacs commit horrible crimes, but time after time you just beat them up and hand them over to the clutches of justice, and a pretty corrupt one at that. Over and over... I wanted to break this cycle, but I realized you can't be gray. Either Batman is the greatest hero or the greatest villain, but then the world is over."
"You will give away all your hiding places."
"М... Except for one, or Harley and I won't have a place to live, and I was going to continue my hero activities..."
"I'll give her an apartment, and as for the hero stuff. Get out of Arkham legally first."
"Uh, okay," I had that in mind, so it's not a big deal.
"If you kill a man, you can forget about our pact, even if it's a low-level maniac like Victor Zsasz."
There's a long pause, though I can already answer. Although the System does not care about the dark and light path, but you can be a little tricky, playing for good. After all, a dead maniac is unlikely to start his crimes again (it's just that in this crazy world it's possible and not such things, and I'm a perfect proof of that, though not quite honest), but a criminal beaten and with many fractures can recover and start his atrocities again. And according to the logic of the System, such an arrangement will not be considered a set-up event, since intelligent beings have free will.
"Agreed."
***
An unbelievable event happened, as all the news channels in Gotham were reporting: the Joker surrendered himself to the police, simply by walking to the police station. A lot of people were voicing different versions that led to such an uncharacteristic for a psychopathic maniac act, but nobody could think that the system and love for one beautiful girl were to blame.
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