Capítulo 24: Chapter Twenty-Three: In The Rain
"Good morning Azania. How are you feeling today?" dude, I haven't even had a chance to sit? Dr Qata sat on what I called her 'shrink chair', clad in a red women's suit with black pumps. She's so boujee.
"I'm okay." I replied once I settled down into the couch opposite the good doctor.
"Is that how you're really feeling, or is that some automated response you give anyone who bothers to ask?" She asked softly, her eyes dancing with concern. I took a deep breath and averted my gaze to my fumbling fingers.
"To be honest with you doc, I don't feel anything." I struggled to conceal the sadness in my tone. Dr Qata jotted something down in her notebook before looking at me with a solemn expression.
"And why is that Azania?" I scoffed incredulously and rolled my eyes. "You know why." Dr Q's face went hard.
"Azania, I am going to need you to say everything that you are feeling. You cannot always expect people to know what is going on inside your head." She explained calmly.
"I honestly don't see the point of this. What is talking going to help with? It won't erase what happened. It won't scrub my mind off the disturbing images. All it does is force me to relive the event." I ranted in frustration, feeling like tugging at my roots.
"It helps you deal with what happened, to find peace within yourself and forgive the people who have wronged you."
"That's where you're wrong. The more I talk about it the more I loathe myself for allowing it to happen to me. I was too weak to save myself. I don't want to talk about it. I'm not going to forgive that Jackass for leaving me behind with his demented psychopathic brother in law. And I definitely will never forgive that man. I want him to die a slow, painful death. If not, I want him to rot in prison. I have dealt with what happened. I almost lost my virginity to that creep. No amount of talking can reverse that. I can feel his hands on me every second of every fucking day!" I paused as my hands started to shake, clenching them into a fist in an attempt to stop them. Dr Q was looking at me, that much I was aware of. Her face was unreadable, but empathetic. That made me sick.
"This is a waste of money. I would rather burn and bury that shit and pretend it never even happened." I could almost taste the bitterness in my voice. Dr Q wrote something down. What the hell is she saying about me?
"If you would rather burn and bury it, do you reckon you'll stop feeling his hands?" I shot her an annoyed look, but she remained unphased. I thought about her question for a few moments, brows crinkling.
"I won't stop feeling them by talking about it." I retorted defiantly.
"And how would you know that? Have you been to therapy before?" she's starting to annoy me. "I just know, okay?" I sounded like a child, not an 18-year-old.
"Azania," she started to say, but never got the chance to finish because I was on my feet. She was looking at me in alarm, perplexed.
"I don't need this. I don't want to feel anything. If the hands never go away, I'll learn to live with it. But I will not let pain take over my body again. I won't be coming here anymore." and with that, I turned and stomped out of the room, ignoring the good doctor's protests.
I am sick and tired of everyone treating me like some incapable whale who needs to be watched 24/7. I was assaulted, so what? I am not the first and I am definitely not the last. Everyone needs to get over it and move the fuck on, because I have. And it happened to me. I should be the one to decide how I wanted to handle it. Seething, I stormed past the reception area, and out into the cool rain. I took a couple of breaths, basking in the mist of the pouring sky and the wet air. The door opened, the sound of boots pounding against the wet sidewalk bounced off the walls. I don't need this shit.
"What happened in there? Why did you run out?" Kevin sounded worried as he rubbed my back soothingly. I cringed away from his touch and scowled at him. He looked at me confused.
"Let's go ice skating, or hiking." My voice was forced, too high pitched from my attempt to sound cheerful.
"You want to go hike in the rain?" his suspicion annoys me. "Ice skating then." I retorted.
"Babe, what's going on? You hate skating. And hiking." His eyes were pure when they looked at me, his face softening under my gaze.
"I'm allowed to change my mind on things Kev. Will you take me, or should I find my own way to the trails?"
"The trails are wet Azania, it's not safe." He tried to reason.
"That is not for you to decide. If you don't want to, I'll get there myself." I crossed my arms over my chest in defiance, watching as his nostrils flared and his eyes glazed with fury.
"Fine, you wanna go hiking? Let's go!" he grabbed my hand, ignoring my protests and pulled me through the rain and towards his Jeep. He yanked the door open and shoved me inside violently. I shrieked and balanced myself before I went in headfirst. A scowl was glued to my face as I watched my boyfriend angrily stalk over to his side of the car and close the door behind him with an aggravated huff.
"That was so rude!" I exclaimed annoyed.
"Look who's talking!" he snapped back and put the car in drive, racing out of the parking lot.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I asked, unable to remove the harshness from my tone. Kevin ignored me, and I hated being ignored. I smacked the back of his head, causing him to bump the steering wheel with his forehead due to the force of the slap.
"What the fuck?!" he shouted. "I was talking to you!" I shouted back.
"SO?" he shouted even louder, taking his eyes off the road to show me how angry he was. "So, you answer me when I talk to you!" I fought back, feeling the anger run through my veins.
"So, it's okay for you to ignore me when I talk to you, but it isn't when I do it?" his face was pink with rage, his jaws clenched as he weaved past a couple of cars in the heavy rain.
"I don't ignore you!" I defended and he scoffed.
"Then what do you call what you have been doing for the past two weeks huh?" he asked as he ignored the red light and raced past, getting several of angry honks from other drivers. I decided to ignore what he just said, instead I crossed my arms and looked out of the window.
"You're doing it again!" he yelled in frustration. I could feel my eyes begin to sting so I took a deep breath and said, "Stop the car."
"Are you fucking crazy? We're in the middle of the highway!" he yelled again.
"Stop the fucking car Kevin, or I swear to God I will jump out!" now it was my turn to yell.
"Stop being so melodramatic. We're almost there so hold on ti-"
"I SAID STOP THE FUCKING CAR!" the sound of tyres screeching, cars honking, and a lot of profanities filled my ears as Kevin brought the Jeep to an abrupt halt. I didn't wait to hear what he was going to say next as I opened the car door and slammed it angrily behind me, letting the rain drench me from head to toe.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" my boyfriend asked angrily, as he too stepped out of the car and rounded the car to where I was standing, looking out into the bushes that lined the sides of the highway. I could feel the tears trickling, blending with the rain drops that rolled majestically down my face. I didn't answer him, nor did I turn to look at him. I just continued to stare at the green bushes before me.
And before my brain could catch up with my mouth, I was screaming. A loud, piercing, glass and heart-breaking scream that bounced from the bushes and was swallowed by the heavy pouring rain. I didn't stop though, I screamed again. This time, letting it rip from deep within my belly, shaking me to my boots and leaving behind a faint tremor. Kevin's cold hands wrapped around me, giving me flashbacks of that creep's hands on my breast, and a scream louder than before erupted from deep inside me, and I pushed him off me. I so desperately wanted to go on all fours, but I still had my knee brace on, the injured leg throbbing violently as I stood in the rain. Yet somehow, I was on the ground, my uninjured leg tucked beneath my chin, the other one straight.
Strained sobs raked through my body and this time, I allowed Kevin to embrace me. The cars that drove past, the angry shouts from drivers and the annoyed honks seemed to fade away. The only sound I heard was from me, and the soothing sound of heavy rain. I didn't care about my hair getting wet, or that I could get sick from being in the rain so long. This is Dr Qata's fault. I had gone two full weeks without crying, without feeling anything. And now there I was, breaking down in the middle of the highway. I lost all control of my emotions. I couldn't supress them like I usually could, they were flying all over the place and as much as I wanted to, my power had dissipated, making it impossible for me to reign them in. Instead, I was forced to feel each and every one of them as the dagger pushed deeper and deeper until it disappeared into the depths of my darkened soul. Weeks of pretending that nothing was wrong had finally caught up to me. Days of ignoring Anthony at school no matter how hard he tried were tearing me down. All the forced laughs that were shared amongst Ayanda, Justin, Kev and I were fuelling the pain that threatened to destroy my soul forever. The lies, the cover-ups and the false appearances were punishing me. and I was powerless. I couldn't do anything to stop it.
Kevin let me cry, ignoring the activities around us. He didn't ask me why I was crying, and he never told me everything was going to be fine, he just held me. After what felt like hours, the rain had stopped and so had my tears, but Kevin and I remained in that position until a police car stopped behind his Jeep. I was limp in his arms, but he made no attempt to move.
"Everything alright here, son?" one of the officers asked. I did not have the energy to look up and put a face to the voice, my eyes stayed glued to the bush in front of us.
"It will be." His voice was hoarse and strained, almost like he was holding back tears as his hold on me tightened.
"Miss?" the other officer called out to me, but I made no move. When I failed answer, the officer that had spoken to Kevin spoke up again, "We don't mean to disturb whatever this is, but I suggest you move along. You are causing havoc back there. Plus, it looks like the both of you could use some warmth right now. Come on kids." His voice was soft and understanding. I felt Kevin nod against me before he stood up, with me in his arms. My eyes finally drifted to the officers that were opening the passenger door to helped Kevin strap me in. They looked to be in their late thirties, both with a full head of hair and light stubbles on their cheeks. It registered about 5 seconds later that they were twins, and that amused me. After I was buckled in and my door was shut, Kevin thanked the officers and buckled himself in, before putting the car in drive.
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