Capítulo 10: Chapter 10
It is dark outside when I open my eyes. I wonder for how long I've been asleep. I feel... different. It's as if whatever heavy pressure that had been weighing down on me for all my life has lessened considerably. It's almost entirely gone and I feel so much lighter all of the sudden. It feels really, really good, I could get used to this. And it is all thanks to Kakashi. The first person to listen to me and believe my words and actually... care. On the topic of my favorite cyclops, where is he?
I slowly sit up and look over to the other bed. It is empty. A weird feeling rises in my chest. It feels familiar – similar to that one night when I woke up alone in my bed on the night of my engagement, and after looking for my fiancé for over an hour, I found him having sex with the reception woman in a bathroom stall down in the lobby. It's the same dreadful feeling as when I was desperately looking for him. Quickly, I get out of bed and make my way over to the door. But as I walk by the table, I stop. There lay bandages neatly rolled up. Right, he must've put them there so I could change my old ones the next morning. I continue on past them and proceed to the door, quietly opening it.
The hallway before me is dark and silent. Thanks to my eyes, though, I can still see things to some extent. I wonder where everybody is. Surely nothing bad has happened, right? That terrible feeling is getting worse, to a point where it is getting more difficult to breathe. It really does feel like back then. Or am I sick? I don't know anymore. I'm confused. My breathing is getting quicker and quicker as I continue to stare down the dark corridor. Black dots appear in my vision. My ears, too, are filled with a droning sound that drowns out everything around me. What should I do? What's happening? I can't breathe. I can't breathe! I need air! I need- I have to calm down, I have to calm down, I have to calm-
"Shizuya!" I can barely hear somebody call out. Arms wrap around me and pull me against a broad chest. I can hear the soft rhythm of a calm heartbeat. Thump... Thump... Thump... My own heart settles on the same rhythm, my breathing slows down, the black dots disappear, and that bad feeling dissipates. I can feel the other person move. Are they trying to leave? No, I don't want that! I don't want to be alone, not right now! Please stay, don't go! I wrap my arms around the other body and hold on to them. They don't leave. They stay. They even tighten their own grip on me. Slowly my senses return. This smells like Kakashi. It's the same mix of ozone, sandalwood, and something wild. Ah, so it's him who once again saves me. Thank you, thank you so much.
"Have you calmed down?" I hear him ask, his voice thick with worry. But I don't trust myself to speak, so I simply nod. He sighs and rubs my back with his hand soothingly. In an instant, whatever tension I had, leaves my body and I slump against him. I just had an attack, full-blown panic attack. That caught me off guard since I hadn't had one in... well, ever since I came here, I hadn't. Good thing that Kakashi was nearby or else this could've gone south real fast. That reminds me.
"How long?" I mumble.
"A little over two days," is his answer.
"Did I miss much?"
"I've trained the other three while you were out. Other than that, everything else has been rather calm."
"I see..."
"Are you hungry?"
"Mhm." I hum in agreement. Food sounds really good right now.
"Well, you're in luck since I've just returned from dinner and brought you something." I can hear him smile as he says so.
"Sensei?"
"Hm?"
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
We remain silent for a little while. This type of silence is actually not that bad.
"Can you move on your own or do you want me to carry you back to your bed?" Kakashi then asks.
"Carry, but..." I hesitate.
"If you want something, just tell me." He encourages me. He's too nice for his own good, and he doesn't even notice it.
"Could we go outside for a bit?" I ask shily. But I really need a breath of fresh air.
"Of course. Hold onto me." He chuckles and lifts me up into a bridal carry without any prior warning. To my embarrassment, I let out a surprised squeak, after which I hide my face in his shoulder as I feel the heat creeping into my cheeks. I hope he did not hear that. Oh God, please tell me he didn't – he did. I can feel him shaking, trying hard to hold back his laughter. This bastard, I bet he did that on purpose!
"Please give me a warning next time," I mumble. I swear Imma take back every single good thing I've ever said about you...
"Mhmm~ sure." He replies playfully and continues to carry me through the room I had previously woken up in, out of the open window, and into a nearby tree, after which he jumps down to the ground and continues to walk. Feeling a cool breeze against my skin, I look up. A beautiful, starry night sky greeted me. I continue to stare at it in fascination all the way until Kakashi comes to a sudden stop. My gaze drifts to his face and he meets my eyes with his lone one. It's in this magical moment that I feel an invisible bond snap into place – something indescribable, ethereal even, that reaches all the way deep down to the very core of my being. And I see the same reflected in Kakashi's eye – there's realization, then hesitation – but it quickly turns to acceptance and resolution. His hold on me tightens and he brings his head closer to mine, making our foreheads touch.
"You felt that just now, didn't you?" He whispers.
"I did. What was that?" I ask just as quietly.
"I don't know, I've never felt anything like this before," he admits before he adds, "But whatever this may be, it makes me feel things."
"Like what?"
"The need to protect you at all cost," he starts, but I interrupt him and continue his sentence, "The need to stay by your side no matter what," before we end it together, speaking as one, ""The need to give everything that I was, am, and will be, to you, and only you.""
We fall silent and let this – I still have no clue what happened – moment sink in. This is something else entirely. It feels so... otherworldly, I can't seem to find a more fitting description. I'm still looking into his eye, not once breaking contact.
"I have never noticed before, but your eye is not just simple solid dark grey. It actually has thin, silvery veins in it." I tell him with a tiny smile. "It looks beautiful."
That lone eye widens a little at the sudden compliment before he turns his head a little to the side. I bet he's blushing underneath that mask.
"You have very breathtaking eyes yourself. They remind me of icicles reflecting the sunlight. It's fascinating how they can appear both cold and warm at the same time," he returned both the compliment and the smile. Then he walks a bit further and puts me down on the ground, my legs dangling freely, as he sits down right beside me. I look at where we are and am overwhelmed by the view.
We are sitting on a bridge looking out at the sea. A full moon is hanging just slightly above the horizon, illuminating everything around it. But the most stunning thing is the way the moon and the stars are all being reflected by the water. It is the very first time I am witnessing this type of ethereal beauty. Suddenly, I feel something on my lap, so I look down. A box. I turn and blink at Kakashi. What's with that box?
"Don't tell me you've already forgotten about the reason why we came here in the first place?" He deadpans. Well, he isn't wrong. I have indeed forgotten about the food. My stomach grumbles as if on cue, prompting Kakashi to chuckle. I refuse to comment on that and with a huff, I start to eat. It tastes wonderful. This entire moment is wonderful. Unbeknownst to me, tears start to roll down my cheeks.
"Hey, what's wrong? Does it taste bad?" Kakashi's worried voice brings me back from my thoughts. I blink a few times and quickly wipe the tears away.
"No... No, on the contrary, it tastes phenomenal..." I say.
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because I wish that this very moment would never end. This peaceful silence, this beautiful view, the tasty food – but the most important thing would be, that I have you here with me right now. I'm not alone anymore. But what if all of this is just me dreaming up my ideal moment during a fever-induced coma? What if I turn my head and realize that you were never actually there, to begin with? That none of this ever happened? It scares me. And if this truly is nothing but a dream, then I refuse to ever wake up from it. I'd rather live inside a beautiful lie than an empty reality." Kakashi doesn't say anything and instead gathers me into his arms.
"Can you feel this? Feel me? Can you hear my voice and feel my heartbeat?" He whispers. I can. I really can. So I nod.
"Then know that this is all real. Everything that you hear, see, taste, smell, and feel – everything is real. How could it possibly not be real, when I have you and you have me?" He says with certainty. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know that I'm not really a resident of this world. That I'm the soul of a dead man that somehow managed to find its way over to this world. Yet, while I've been believing in the reincarnation theory all this time – there has been this thought plaguing me for a while now. What if I didn't actually die that day, on that thrice-cursed mountain? What if, be it through dumb luck or cosmic interference, somebody did notice my disappearance and alerted the authorities? What if the rescuers did end up finding my body – neither dead nor alive – and managed to get me to a hospital just in time to save me? And what if I'm just lying in my hospital bed, in a coma, dreaming all of this? As a measure to overcome the trauma I surely must've received back then? That's what's truly scaring me right now. I wouldn't be able to survive in that case. To, once again, lose everything? I'd rather kill myself than try to rebuild everything from the ground up.
And as if sensing my darkening thoughts, Kakashi holds me tighter.
"Don't worry, everything will be fine. I'm here – I will always be here right by your side, I promise," he whispers reassuringly.
I really hope that he's right.
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