Capítulo 18: I...I think it's time I left

We sat together in their house, after getting invited in against my will. I sat opposite them with Lily resting on my thighs while they sat opposite me, staring at Lily with eyes that I interpreted as curiosity.

Honestly, I didn't know what that was all about just now. When I said it was my child, they were so shocked like I had an unwanted kid or something like that.

But I was a man, even if it was an unwanted kid, I could've been the one responsible for that unwanted kid coming to life. Though it would never happen since I was gay, but still, Did they think that through?

If I didn't know any better, I would say their reaction looked like they were trying to defend a lady who got scored by some crazy bastard. That was definitely not it.

I was a man.

I was probably overthinking it. But whatever the reason they had, I would never know because I was not going to ask.

"So, you two have already moved in?" I asked, bringing up the most basic topic to break the cold and awkward air around us.

They broke their gaze on Lily and raised their heads to look at me, smiling like they would on a normal day. Ah, it was refreshing.

Wait, what was I doing? Get a hold of yourself, Dongwoo. I should find a way to get out of here and check my own house.

"It's a relief." Seojin suddenly said.

"Huh? What is?" I asked but he shook his head, having no intention to answer me.

"It's great to have Hyung over. Feels like the old days when you always come over to our house." Seojun spoke up and I paused.

Ah, so that's what they were trying to do. They really wanted to relive the old days. These innocent sweet little ones. They still wanted to spend those lovely days again but I... I was having lewd thoughts about them since they were all grown up, having such great bodies.

All the more reason why I should stay away from them.

Not only my curse but my selfishness will ruin them. Once they know what kind of thoughts run through my head, the innocent image they had of me will definitely disappear.

Haunted by a bad memory, I can't go all the way during sex but that didn't mean I couldn't fantasize about them.

No, what was I thinking right now? They were both in front of me, smiling cheerfully.

"Can we... Not talk about that?" I requested, against my own thoughts.

As soon as I realized it, I covered my mouth.

They looked at me strangely but I shook my head, smiling awkwardly.

"I... I think it's time I left." I said, trying to get up but Seojin suddenly caught my hand. 'How did he get here so fast?'

"Hyung, I understand." He said. He knelt in front of him, pulled my hand to his face, and said, "I don't know how you felt since we left right away but I know it's not something I'd never want to imagine. And those horrible memories... No one is here to inflict them on you anymore." He said and I could've sworn I saw a glint of red in his eyes.

He was still smiling at me but his smile felt cold. Yeah, makes sense. Talking about this topic, no one would smile brightly through it.

I reached out my other hand and patted his head softly.

"Never imagine it, Seojun." I stroked his hair. "It's too horrible."

Seojun seemed to love having his hair stroked because he sunk into my other arm like he was melting.

"Thank you, Hyung."

Seojin, who was still sitting opposite us, stood up and came to kneel in front of me as well.

I was shocked. In the first place, why were they kneeling again?

"Hyung, I'm sorry." He said, a little drop of tear hanging at the edge of his eyelid. "I started this. You shouldn't have to recall the painful memories."

He was... No, was he really...

"Seojin, it's not a big deal." I said, feeling flustered and panicked. The tear at the edge of his eyelid meant he wanted to cry, right?

How could I let that happen? I took my hand from Seojun's head and patted Seojin's head.

Now, I really felt like they were golden retrievers. So cute.

"You don't have to apologize. It's a memory we all passed through." I said.

Honestly, we were all there when it happened, so I wasn't the only one who passed through it. Maybe they had the same trauma I had. After all, they were far younger than me so it must've been traumatizing.

"But... you were the one who suffered, Hyung." Seojin said and I paused.

Ah, that's right. Even if they got the trauma after seeing so much blood, they definitely didn't pass through what I passed through so that pain was mine to carry alone.

That pain... Mine... Alone.

"I... I really think it's time for me to leave." I said with no vivid expression on my face. I felt sick. So sick that I was scared I would throw up right there and then.

"Hyung?" they both called, looking at me with sorry and worried eyes but I had to leave.

This was wrong. I was drawing near when I already told myself I would stay away.

I got up, put Lily in her bag, and started heading out. I could feel my arms shaking so I rushed to leave, but as soon as I got to the door, Seojin caught my hand, stopping me in my tracks.

I turned to look at him with the fright in my eyes which shocked him. Seojun was right behind him and he saw me too.

They both saw my pathetic appearance.

"I... I..."

What would I do if they asked what was wrong with me? What if they wanted to know why I was shaking?

"I..."

"You forgot your camera, Hyung." Seojin said, showing my camera in his hand.

Ah, how did I forget? I was probably too shaken to have realized it.

"T-thank you." I said, took it from him, and headed out right away.

My apartment was directly opposite theirs and though I hadn't moved in yet, it was still mine so I walked in, shut the door, and broke down to my knees.

I stared at my shaking hands and steadily interlocked them together, pressing them against my head with tears trickling down my eyes.

"Please, please stop. Stop trying to get close. I don't... I don't have the strength. Please."