Capítulo 5: 5
Leave it to my mother to call you, fuming mad and then hang up on you without telling you why she is mad. I am still fretting over how she did exactly that to me yesterday. Like I wasn’t having a bad day already what with Masimba’s daughter coming here breathing fire. I tried to call my mother back, I have been doing it every second I woke during the night but of course she wont pick up. I stare at the painting Tsitsi gave me, seeing the artist on it and not the painting itself. There is something about art that defies the greatest of human's fears. Something that can defeat death. A thing that will linger n, with all the strokes and lines, way after the creator is just part of the soil on the ground. Its immortality, its omnipresence. Tsitsi may be in her room right now, but this is here. A part of her soul, a part of her wild imaginations. Just how awesome is that.
It is time I get up and get my life going. I have school and I can’t miss my classes even though I almost bailed yesterday. I chose to come here, I chose to come to university. It isn't even that bad, I just need to get used to the place and to not having servants waiting on me every second. I open my curtains, letting the light spill into the room prompting a smile from me. I love the sun to a fault. Maybe because I never really got to enjoy it much all my life.
How about I wear something that reveals my legs? Something that will let me feel the sun on my skin. I nibble on my lower lip, knowing very well that it might end in tears. This is what they call being between a hard place and a rock, I don't know what to do. I want to feel the sun on my skin, but I have always worn long, conservative clothes all my life.
But I have broken a lot of rules along the way haven't I. I can add wearing revealing clothes to it. And who will notice, its not like people know me from before.
With my new resolve I open my closet. Well all I see is white, white and more white. But like the bad daughter I am I have a few colorful things under this sea of white and sky blue. Masimba got them for me. It is annoying how is see him in everything. I feel like it is time I give Masimba up, let him go his way and I will go mine. I have lost enough children in his hands, there is nothing more I can get from him. I check my kinky hair in the mirror, it is dark enough I am sure I can prance around campus with it revealed without attracting attention to myself.
I bath rather quickly and am soon in a floral dress that ends above my knees. I push my feet into sandals, check my hair for the umpteenth time and leave my room. Tsitsi is sitting in the living room, wearing a black tank top and shorts. Darn, I could kill to have boots like those.
‘’What took you forever?,’’she groans, throwing her bag over her shoulder. Her eyes widen when she sees me and I fight the urge to tug down the dress. It isn't even that short, but this is new to me. Somehow all I am thinking of is what people will think. Isn't it a little too soon to be changing, I cant afford to lose myself all in a bid to feel more free.
‘’Wow,you look…flames!,’’she exclaims in that screechy way of hers. I think I see something in her eyes, but could be my imagination. feel my cheeks burn but I don’t say anything. ‘’What time is it, I could help you with makeup-,’’
‘’No no make up,’’I cut her off mid-sentence. Her face falls then the smile is back again.
‘’Okay baby girl, here is your doughnut, lets go out there,’’I take the doughnut, pick my juice and leave the room walking behind Tsitsi who is telling me all about her classes for today. We step into the elevator, luckily it is just the two of us, I cannot imagine people ogling at my legs.
But you are going to campus!
I quickly pay all my attention to Tsitsi as she goes on and on about her lecturer who wears a Charlie Chaplin shoe. The elevator stops and my heart starts hammering. We are still in the building maybe I can go back and change. No I can do this, I can walk out there with my head held high in this tiny dress.
Hell no, I am not doing this. It wont take me long to wear a longer dress with longer sleeves. There are no sleeves to speak of with the one I am wearing. The air is hitting my skin directly and I feel exposed. I cannot do this. What was I thinking?! Whats with all the rebellion!
As if reading my thoughts Tsitsi grabs my hand and pulls me out of the elevator. I look at her face, she has a ghost smile playing on her lips.
‘’It will be fine,’’I am sure she can tell I have never done this before. I sigh, gathering all my strength because I want her to know that I got this, that I m not usually this scared. I actually did what my parents cannot imagine I have done in my life. I went ahead and dated their favourite human being whom they believe can do all of Jesus’s miracles plus one more. Yes, I feel the air, I feel bare but I have done worse and I am feeling things for another girl that I am not supposed to be feeling at all.
I am doing this.
***********
I am in high spirits. No one paid much attention to me in class, Green Hair was absent so I didn’t get to play nice new friend. She is already skipping classes this early, ha who am I to talk. I wanted to skip classes the very first day. There were some classmates who eyed the empty seats on either side of me but I eyed them to tell them they are out of my league. All I had to do was ignore Tsitsi all day who kept flooding my phone with texts, even pictures of the animals they got to see. What is she studying again, animal whatever. I swear from the second I gave her my new number I have known no peace. But I love it, she actually made me feel less alone today. The ride on the bus doesn't take long and I find myself back at our highly secure apartment. I have to go through the gate-man, and then the doorman before I can ride the elevator to my apartment.
I almost pass out when I see a figure standing by my door. I am sure I am dreaming. What is she doing here? And today of all days? You would think she is here to nag and check on me like normal mothers do, but I can see from the basin she is holding that she is here with holy water and whatnot to pray for me. What did I do? And she had to choose the day I wore a short, colorful dress and went to school with my head bare.
Her eyes widen when she sees me, not the kind of reaction I need right now. I sigh, trying to stamp down the rising panic inside me. I steel myself and walk towards her.
‘’Mother,’’I am back to whispering. You cannot be loud around my mother, you cannot own your voice like that. You can only be loud when talking to or about Our Lord.
‘’So its true!,’’she practically yells. I sigh. This is what I have been dreading. I hurry to unlock my door to let her in. I cannot afford to have her making noise and attracting my neighbours' attention. I have been successful in avoiding them so far I cannot handle it right now.
‘’Come in, mother!,’’I am on the verge of a panic attack, she cannot be doing this to me. She should just come in and we discuss it like adults, like family. But I can already tell from the way she is standing rigidly that she won’t budge. Ever her long skirt is still.
‘’No, I will not step into the devil’s lair. I want my daughter back you evil spirit and I will get her back. I am going to get the pastor,’’she turns on her heels sharply and hurries away. Ha! So suddenly there is an evil spirit possessing me? Wow. You know which pastor she is talking about? Masimba.
I know what is going to happen, she is going to go to Masimba’s place (because you cannot disrespect the man of God by calling him to perform Our Father’s work via phone). She is going to tell him that the devil has found a way to destroy her and her family ( exactly in those words) and ask him to come and destroy the wicked one trying to destroy her.
Exactly in that order.
I shut the door and lean back on it. I do not want Masimba coming here oozing self-righteousness when he is going to fuck me senseless after that, to pray for me. My mother would even let him take me to his place that is how much she trusts him. Though at times like this he takes me to a hotel since he is married. The last time it happened like this, he forced himself on me. I shudder at the thought. No, I cannot go through that again. I do not plan to go out with Masimba, I do not plan to fall in love with him ever again. If I want to have a chance with Tsitsi, then I have to let him go.
Decision made, I text Tsitsi-I need you.
I hit send and wait for her to respond, then realizing I have sent a very vague text that could make her panic more than necessary I try to text her again when I feel the door unlock. I step back just as she pushes it open. Ouch. It hit me right on my nose, but I have no time to focus on the pain right now.
‘’Aw, baby I am so sorry. Lets see,’’she reaches for me but I stop her, shaking my head.
‘’My mother was here,’’before she can bombard me with questions I quickly add,’’ Not the kind of a visit you would expect; but all I can say is she is coming back with our pastor. She saw me like this,’’I hold the skirt of my dress as if she cant see how I look. Her eyes widen with understanding and I can see wheels turning in her mind.
‘’I guess this is not the right time to ask if by pastor you mean your boyfriend?,’’she asks, eyeing me. I roll my eyes. Of all the times for her to be herself!
‘’Pastor cum boyfriend…I mean ex-boyfriend,’’’I tell her.
‘’Whoa, it is official already?,’’she seems excited. I feel something flutter inside me. Something like hope. But I cannot afford to be hopeful, she could just be happy I am no longer dating a married man. Well, to be honest it isn't official. It isn't like I have already told him that I am done with him. I just decided that I am done with him and that’s it. What he feels or thinks isn't important right now. I am important. Oh look at me stepping up!
‘’We need a plan Tsitsi!,’’I whisper shout.
‘’Okay, boo boo. Let us go to my mother’s,’she plops down on the couch, looking tired; I feel bad that I am going to force her to be on the road soon after leaving school. But I cannot imagine spending the night with Masimba. And I do not want to bath in anointed water. I mean, it is Masimba who anoints it! Imagine! ‘’It is thirty minutes away, she will drive us back tomorrow,’’she adds, looking at the ceiling.
‘’Okay let me change into my usual clothes, I feel like I am wearing bad luck itself,’’I tell her and hurry into my room.
‘’But my mother wouldn't mind,’’she says, following me into my room. Maybe she wouldn't but I would.
‘’Today was a bad idea, look how it turned out. And I want to dress the way I am used to so..,’’I am rummaging through my clothes, trying to find something that has more than one color. The white is depressing. The blue too. I need a change.
‘’Qhawe..I,’’she is stopped by a loud knocking at the main door. We share a horrified look. Oh my.
My heart is drumming so loud I don’t even know what to do. Tonight will end up with me sobbing somewhere in a stinky hotel after Masimba has had his way around with me. Why did I have to pick my mother of all the wombs I could pick to live in for nine months? I squeeze my eyes shut, steeling myself for what is about to come next. Tsitsi is just staring at me wide-eyed, not knowing what to do either.
I look at my palms and stare at the lines like I am expecting them to start dancing or something. I think of all the times I have yearned to talk to my mother, like really talk to her. But it never happened. I don't know where my mother went, all I know is that I am stuck with this robot of a woman who rushes to the same pastor who I was dating and who once forced himself on me every time she has to talk to me. She could just talk to me. I yearn to be different. No, I yearn to live as me and not this perfect human being I am supposed to be.
I need a cigarette.
I stand up to reach for one, that is when I notice I alone in the room. Tsitsi!
‘’Who are you?!,’’I hear my mother's voice from the living room. Damn you Tsitsi why do you have to be so rash.
‘’I am the girl that cleans the apartment for her. She went to campus,’’Tsitsi's answers. Wow, that’s a good one, I am excited and eager to hear what else she will lie right in my mother’s face. And Masimba is supposed to have supernatural powers! Ha! I wish I could see what he is doing in there.
‘’To do what?’’my mother demands, her voice is quivering slightly in a way that tells me she is all pumped up to fight the devil in me.
‘’I am not sure ma’am, I am just the cleaning girl,’’Tsitsi’s voice is low and subdued.
Then there is silence. I wait to hear what is going to come next but there is nothing. After what seems like forever I hear footsteps moving away and a broom brushing the floor. I let out a sigh when I hear the main door closing shut and my shoulders sag in relief.
‘’I think we need to get going.’’Tsitsi says, entering my room feigning nonchalance. I nod and pick my hand bag.
The ride to Tsitsi’s mother’s place is long and exhausting, mainly because I cannot stop imagining what I would have been doing right now if I hadn’t managed to escape from my mother. And I am also thinking of the consequences of what I have just done. I mean I ran from my mother for crying out loud, my mother! I am definitely going to be soaked in anointed water for days and be put on thirty days fasting to cleanse me. I sigh tiredly. I am tired of what my life is. I just want a change, I need a change. I need to think of my family without my heart sinking, I need to think of those too bright walls back home without feeling sad and getting all teary. I need a break. I am dozing off when Tsitsi shakes me awake. I wake up with a start and clamber out of the taxi. I pay the fare, well, because I am the reason why we ended up having an impromptu journey after all. We are in a very different neighbourhood from the one I grew up in. I am facing a very small house, maybe four to five rooms, and there is a string of houses just the same model and colour. There are children running around the dusty streets, women gossiping over fences and men sharing beers under a tree. I find myself smiling. This place feels like how I always imagined an ideal home would be-welcoming. It is free, everyone here knows everyone. It is the kind of a neighbourhood where the yard is always full when you have a funeral or a party.. back where I come from, your neighbors don’t even know you are there or you exist, let alone know you have faced tragedy or are celebrating.
Here you can be imperfect, you can make mistakes and bounce back with shame only to have people who will lift you up again. Where I come from my mother would ban you from going to church for two Sabbaths, because of how it would look to others. Here everyone knows everyone’s business, knows who visited and who just left. Curious eyes come our way as Tsitsi pulls open the rickety gate, while yelling greetings to her eager neighbors.
The yard is small and cramped with every fruit tree imaginable, but there is a neatness to it. The flowers are arranged in neat rows and there lines of an outdoor broom showing that someone swept the ground around them. I could stay here forever and not want for anything. The funny thing though, is that I know Tsitsi yearns to get herself and her mother out of here.
To a place like I grew up in.
How unfair life is. The door opens to reveal a slender tall woman, with a smile just like Tsitsi’s and that same glint in her eyes. She brightens up when she sees her daughter, swoops her up in a hug and kisses the top of her head. I stand behind them awkwardly, the wind blowing away my long skirt. I wish I had tightened my head-wrap like I always do. It always gives me something to focus on.
‘’You must be the generous roommate,’’her mother says and opens her arms to hug me. I am hesitant but just so that I don’t embarrass myself by being an awkward person I hug her back. It feels good, to feel these elderly arms around me. It feels safe,, I want to snuggle closer. I quickly step back, afraid I might act on my actions.
‘’Her name is Maqhawe, and she is too generous , mama you should see the apartment!,’’Tsitsi squeals, with that same buoyancy that her mother has. The older woman looks at me with grateful eyes. I am literally burning, I cannot handle all this attention on me.
‘’Thank you, Qhawe. Please,come in. I already prepared supper,’’she takes my handbag from me and enters the house. It is cozy and welcoming like I had guessed from the outside. The walls are a bright orange and Tsitsi’s paintings hang everywhere. I quickly sit down, because I know if I remain standing I will start touching everything and nothing. There are three old-fashioned sofas in the room that must be the living room. It is so tiny I would expect it to be suffocating, but no it feels like it is hugging me closer. In the middle there is a wooden coffee table with beautiful doilies decorating it. I sit stiffly in the sofa so as not to wrinkle the protective cloth. Tsitsi literally jumps on a sofa and bounces for a few seconds.
‘’Tsitsi, behave, we have visitors,’’her mother chastises her, boxing her ears. I smile at the sight but do not comment. Mai Tsitsi (Tsitsi’s mother) disappears behind a door and we are left alone. With that amused glint in her eyes Tsitsi pushes closer to me.
‘’Now that I have introduced you to my mother, when are we getting married?,’’she rests her chin in her palm. I know it is a joke but part of me takes it seriously. I wish it could be like that. I imagine myself with Tsitsi, old and gray with a litter of grandchildren running around the yard. She would still have that same glint in her eye. She would still be the sunshine in my life who lights up my dark parts.
‘’You wish,’’I chuckle but it really doesn't come out as I intended.
‘’Well, we don’t have electricity right now because you know, its expensive,so there is no TV, princess,’’she says, fishing out her phone from her back pocket. Is this where I tell her I don’t watch TV? That I am forbidden in indulging in such vanities? Wont she think my family is a little crazy?
‘’I don’t watch TV, back home,’’I whisper. She widens her eyes at me but she doesn't look at me in that way that says ‘’so how did you survive your childhood’’. instead she shrugs it off like it is normal.
‘’Mai Tari next door has electricity, we can go there and you watch TV while we gossip,’’her mother says as she enters the room with a tray. Wait we are going to eat in here? It seems like we are because she sets the tray on the coffee table. She comes to sit next to me and Tsitsi stands up to join us. We are not only eating from the living room, we are also eating in the same plates!
‘’I don’t think Qhawe would like being seen,’’Tsitsi says,sitting to my left ''Would you rather have your own plate,’’she asks while staring at me. Her mother who was reaching for the tray also pauses, awaiting my answer. No, I am not here to impose and I want to live in Tsitsi’s world even if it will only be for a night.
‘’No, no its okay,’’I smile. Tsitsi shrugs and makes a face that makes me think she is somehow irritated by me. I start panicking. What if I am giving off the wrong vibes. I don’t want Tsitsi to feel like I am being snobbish or something, because I am definitely not here for that. I smile once again and let her mother help me wash hands in the big bowl.
*****
‘’ Want to know something? I am scared of sleeping in the dark,’’Tsitsi whispers when we are alone in her room, in bed. I am wearing one of her baggy tee-shirts, said she confiscated it from one of her exes, with a giggle. I don’t know how I feel about wearing a tee-shirt that used to belong to her ex. I am not happy about it but she wouldn't let me wear my mickey mouse night wear so I had to give in at last. ‘’So, can we cuddle?,’’her voice comes out as a whisper in the dark. My heart skips a beat and I can feel myself start to panic. It is a mixture of excitement and fear. The girl I have a crush on has asked me to cuddle. How is that for progress. I have to remind myself that Tsitsi may be straight straight and my feelings are unknown to her.
‘’Um…yeah,’’I say. She laughs, that contagious laugh of hers that makes you feel like joining in. And then I feel her drawing closer. I am hesitant when I wrap my arms around her but she doesn't sound like she is reading much into it so I decide to get over myself. She lays her head on my chest, on my left boob. I am suddenly excited all over.
‘’You scare me a little,’’I hear a soft voice say. Its her.
‘’What?’’
‘’You are so different from me, your world is so different from mine. I envy you,’’
"Tsi?,"
''hmm?,''
"Are you gay?,"I don't know where I got the courage to ask that, but I need to know if I should keep fantasizing about her. She looks gay, but looks can be deceiving, right?
"Asking a girl that is kinda flirtatious, you know," well, I didn't know "And yeah. I am gay but don't worry I won't do anything inappropriate to you,"she says.
I close my eyes and open them again, well, this is my opening.
"I...wouldn't mind...,"I whisper and suddenly hope she didn't hear that. Who have I become? I feel her raise her head. I can tell she is looking at me in the dark. She cant really see me, there is just little light coming from the moon outside it is impossible to see me clearly. But her eyes are on me and suddenly my heartbeat goes right through the roof. I want to go back to talking about how different our worlds are, how everything about her makes me curious but then I feel her lips on mine.
I have wanted this in forever but I remain unresponsive, l am floored. I didn't expect her to. When I am over the initial shock I return the kiss, savoring the moment and hoping the feeling will be etched in my mind forever. A soft moan escapes me when our tongues meet and I feel something flutter in my tummy. I have never felt this way. Not even with Masimba whom I have believed I am in love with since I met him. Tsitsi takes her time, she is slow and gentle aaand... what's the word - precise.
Bang!
It’s the sound of a door being shut violently. Tsitsi suddenly pulls herself away. There is shouting from somewhere behind us, the living room. The words are slurred, whoever that man is, is sloshed. He is throwing all kinds of obscenities at no one in particular.
‘’Who is that?,’’I ask.
‘’My father,’’she whispers. She has a father!? She tightens her arms around me, kisses my cheek and lays her head back on my chest. At least that is assuring. I hear her mother’s voice, obviously trying to calm him. Then there is another voice, a younger voice. Shouldn't we go and check?
Something crushes, and then a scream follows. Tsitsi’s mother just screamed. But Tsitsi doesn't move a muscle. I realize her arms are no longer around me. I grope in the dark, only to realize she is plugging her ears with her fingers.
‘’Get out of the way, I have brought my new wife with me and she is the one I am sharing with that bedroom with,’’the slurred words come again. My heart ache for Tsitsi. Her life is not a bed of roses after all. I realize she is shaking-she is crying . I pull her closer to me, and her arms come around me again.
Our door bursts open.
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