Capítulo 36: Chapter 36: Decisions And Truths

I know I made a mistake, I shouldn't have rejected Nicolas. I had offended him. I think that's what my dream was trying to tell me last night. I went too far, I had to apologise to Nicolas. However, this turned out to be very difficult, Nicolas had not appeared in the dining room. Supposedly he had important meetings to attend to. Even his parents seemed puzzled by his absence. I could imagine that he just didn't want to see me. I understood him, I had played yo-yo with him long enough. Now I should give him clarity. I didn't think I could ever fall in love with a human being. At the time it seemed hopeless, I had to take care of my family, there was no room for personal needs. But this time I had lost my heart to him and pushed him away. But since when did fate do me a favour? I had, never thought about how he must feel about it. Maybe I was just a pastime for him, at least at first. No, I was more than that. I couldn't sleep last night, that blood and the sight of my dead body still made me uncomfortable. Everything was too much for my head, but again and again I replayed this scene. On a continuous loop like a tape that wouldn't stop. I lay awake in my bed and looked for the deer on my blanket. It was the image of goodness and beauty, majestically leaping out of the clearing into the sky. I had never seen the world as I did now. Since the events of the last few days, it had become gloomier and closer to reality. Nicolas, Leopold and Martin had changed everything in me. I couldn't tell yet, for better or for worse. I turned to the side and noticed a figure on the balcony. Immediately I became nervous, or rather panic ran through me. A person was walking up and down in front of my eyes, but not like Leo. It couldn't be that he was here. I saw with my own eyes as he drew his last breaths. In the next blink of an eye, my imagination was gone. I must have been dreaming. No, I hadn't imagined it. I stood up and carefully pulled back the curtains. 'Excuse me, miss, but I would ask you to leave the hall. The staff would like to tidy up.' I was startled out of my daydream. A middle-aged man appeared in front of my face. Around me, plates were already being placed on a rolling food trolley and a maid was wiping pastry crumbs from the dining table into her hand. The leftovers were collected and put in a basket for disposal. I noticed that I had been holding a fork in my hand. I guiltily placed it on the plate for the servant to ditch. I then rose and apologised for the inconvenience. As I left the room, closing the door quietly behind me, I noticed that I was the only lady left at the table. The servants did not like to be kept from their work. I walked down the corridor and heard a familiar voice nearby: "You had a long breakfast today, I was wondering where you were." I smiled a little sheepishly and clasped my hands in front of me: "Sorry. Martin leaned against the wall opposite me, as if it was a matter of course for him. "You seem distracted since yesterday, has anything happened that I should be made aware of? I shook my head. He always noticed when I lied, but he remained gracious and didn't mention it: "Would you like to go for another walk through the garden and have tea in the pavilion? No, not now, I have something to do first," I didn't feel like the cold and snow, even though it sounded tempting. "Just as you wish. He accompanied me to the ladies' salon, or rather he stood in front of it and I went in. For whatever reason, I wanted to be among people today. Since the encounter in the corridor, I am no longer myself. I smiled much more often than I wanted to. I was distracted, couldn't concentrate. I kept thinking about him, maybe because I loved him. Although I had sworn to myself to avoid this. I hoped that I could express my feelings better with a letter. Paper had become expensive, but since I didn't pay for it and I couldn't do anything with these newfangled devices, I tried this way.