/ Fantasy / Glory Seeker
Resumen
In the catacombs of an ancient temple, hushed whispers, coming through the walls.
"Come grasp me. You will have revenge and riches beyond your wildest dreams"
A shaking hand came from the dark to grasp the glowing orb that was the only source of light in the pitch-black darkness.
the shaking hand Took hold of the orb tightly.
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10Reseñas
4.3
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- Desarrollo de la Historia
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This book will make your blood boil. Must read! Highly recommended! The background setting is clear and interesting, and the characters are vivid and lively. Reading from you will bring you into a very interesting world. Thank the author.
As far as I can tell, the story is progressing nicely and the characters are developing as of Chapter 9. Readers can get a sense of the world building the author is writing. One thing to take note of is the use of '&' instead of 'and'. It makes the reading slightly jarring in the beginning. Also, sometimes I notice that you end the speech of someone with a full stop instead of a comma, or miss punctuation. Other than that, the use of capitals in the right place is especially important for reading smoothly. All in all, keep up the good work. Hope this helps! :)
So far it's great, there is variety in the characters and their attitudes. When it comes to dialogue you nailed it , well done! The pacing is good and I like the mischievous attitude of the MC. I was a bit confused by the setting of the story, you use modern terms like Japan, but then also fantasy place names, but I'm sure I will understand as I keep reading. There were some gramatical issues here and there such as using the wrong tenses. In some places you would write "the boys name is" when writing in past tense. I also noticed an abundance of adjectives that were not necessarily useful, which is something I struggle with myself. For example scarlet red/ strict authority. (Scarlet is red therefore the red is unnecessary) Otherwise great work. I look forward to seeing your improvement.
I have read 7 chapters from the 17 posted so far. The story is developing nicely. The characters are well designed. World background is well defined too. Some issues about grammar but those do not interfere with the story. I would suggest use grammarly - the free grammar checker. I have started using it and will run all my chapters through it. After all the writer cannot see his own mistakes but others can. Keep up the good work. All the best.
I have just finished the first chapter. The story is interesting. I have liked so far. But there are some punctuation errors and also capitalization errors. There are instances when you haven't use a 'full stop' at the end of a sentence. At most of the places your 'I' is in the lower case. Apart from these mistakes I have liked your story. I can understand... you are a new writer, so am I. We can only improve by some guidance. ALL THE BEST for your work.!!
I love the choice of words and how everything plays out... although what do the other names mean? You only gave a meaning to one. Other than that everything is great I like it I can’t wait to see the next chapter and see how your story grows and my mind is craving to know what will happen next!!!
I have a philosophy of always giving 5 stars, no matter the novel. As such don't think of my score as indicative of my feelings about this novel. It does have its weak points, and they are many. But there are things that it does well too. First of all the set-up. I think it was marvelously done. The scene was vivid, it had impact and hooked you right away. It also made use of powerful emotions to get through the barriers of the reader. When the character feel bad, you feel bad. When the character feel good, you feel good. That's something that takes a long time to teach. Now for the bad. The grammar, it's just so bad. Sentences that are cut midway, non capitalized first letters, so many things. Jist of it, read more books by good authors. You can check out some of the top-rated writers here at webnovel or maybe even sites like RoyalRoad and Scribblehub, you would find much higher quality products that would make you get used to a much higher standard of writing Anyway, good luck my friend. I hope to see you improve!
Since the author has asked me to be as honest as I can so that the author can improve, I will do my best to provide constructive criticism. Updates No comment. 5/5. Writing Your writing needs a lot of improvement. First of all, there were a lot of run on sentences, inappropriate use of punctuation and lazy writing could be seen. For example, you shouldn’t be using “&” instead of “and”. Such shortcuts reduces writing quality and hints at being lazy and should never be used in a novel. Also, be consistent with your writing. Sometimes you capitalize words and then sometimes you don’t (e.g. “this is…” >> “This is…”). Not only that, names of anything and the “I” pronoun has to be capitalized always. This is a major area where you need to focus on: capitalizing and making proper sentences. Please use a period (and use it correctly)! I can’t say how powerful this punctuation is. Every sentence must end with a period. Every beginning of a sentence must be capitalized. And once you do it, do it consistently throughout your story. Do not stop just because. Example 1 (inappropriate use of semi-colons): Original >> Upon the peak of a mountain Layden with snow at its summit, within one of the 13 countries named Zephyr; lays a Shoulin Warrior monk temple. Within that temple, two boys stood parallel to each other on the building's side. Edited >> Upon the peak of a mountain Layden with snow at its summit, within one of the 13 countries named Zephyr, lays a Shoulin Warrior monk temple. Within that temple, two boys stood parallel to each other on the building's side. (I’m a bit confused if the mountain is called Layden or if that’s a misspelling of some sort? Are you trying to say the mountain is laden with snow at its summit? Or is it “Upon the peak of Mount Layden, with snow at its summit,”…As you can see, it makes a huge difference. Actually this happened quite a lot throughout the story, so you might want to pay attention to it.) Example 2 (wrong use of punctuations and missing capitalization/apostrophes): Original >> shin quickly opened the box and was elated at what he found two daggers. blood red in color that seems to glow in the light. they looked a bit heavy but shin didnt mind. he was happy just to look at the magnificent blades. Edited >> Shin quickly opened the box. He was elated to have found two daggers, blood red in color. It seemed to be glowing in the light. They looked a bit heavy but Shin didn’t mind. He was happy just to look at the magnificent blades. Example 3 (entire paragraph is a run-on): Original >> shin got up and began to follow the voice into an opening across the room with some difficulty due to his leg down a passageway with one hand on the wall supporting his walking and as he walked the whispers got closer and closer shin couldn't explain it he felt like he needed to go toward it and the whisper continued to beckon him closer until the passage opened up into an ancient city with roman type pillars and houses he continued on longer walking across the whole city before appearing in front of a catacomb where he could see a small glowing blue light which seemed to be the source of the whisper and it said Edited >> With some difficulty, due to his injured leg, Shin got up and began to follow the voice into an opening across the room. He went down a passageway with one hand on the wall to support his walking. As he walked, the whispers got closer and closer. Shin couldn't explain it but he felt like he needed to go toward it. The whispering continued to beckon him closer until the passage opened up into an ancient city with roman type pillars and houses. He continued on longer, walking across the whole city before appearing in front of a catacomb where he could see a small glowing blue light. It seemed to be the source of the whisper and it said, (…followed by the dialogue here) (Why wasn’t there a single punctuation used in this large paragraph? This should never, ever happen.) Additionally, pick one tense to write your story in: past or present? Don’t mix the two! And another thing, in the recent chapters, I’ve noticed you lumped everything together. Especially when two characters are speaking but it was just combined as one huge paragraph. Every time a new character speak, they get a separate line/paragraph. Frankly, I don’t like it when a novel keeps on using capitalized letters to indicate shouting. I find doing so is a little *******. You can express a character is shouting simply through the description or use of an exclamation mark. There’s really no need to capitalize the entire sentence whenever they are shouting. Besides, you’ve already described that the character “shouted” so we don’t need the capitalization. I’m not saying don’t use it (if you must) but try not to use it so much. The “start chapter” and “end chapter” is unnecessary. I’m sure the readers know when the start and end of chapter is. Characters It’s still too early for any major character development, but I like how the MC was merged with the system, which boosted his ability to power up. World & Story Despite the lack of proper grammar in this story, I was surprised because I quite liked the world you are trying to build, especially Medtron. The whole water city sounds beautiful and mystical at the same time. It’s actually pretty interesting what’s happened so far, especially with the MC getting this newfound power from the system. It’s also fun to read Shin’s learning process of the system. All in all, I recommend using an editing tool or asking someone to edit the chapters for you. On a side note, I know it’s not absolutely necessary but have you considered adding a book cover? It might attract more readers for you. I see potential in your writing and story. I could picture what you were trying to tell us of your world and characters. However, the main problem is your punctuation/grammar/spelling, and once you improve on that, your story will be so much better. To sum it up, your main area of focus is grammar, consistency and basically, putting more effort into your writing. To be honest, I felt like most of this came from lazy writing because if you actually use all the grammar correctly, your writing is actually pretty good. And it’s not like you don’t know the existence of a comma, period, capitalization, etc of the likes. You’ve used it in some places and then opted not to use it consistently throughout, which kinda baffles me. Anyways, best of luck to you and I hope my suggestions will be of help.
Revelar spoiler
REVIEW SWAP First I would like to good job. I enjoyed your character design but I would like to see more world background. This is a whole new world I would like to see more of it. I'm going on face that your Update stability is on point.
I understand that you're a new author looking to improve so I won't only say things like "Good job. I like this, I like that, blah blah... Some other positive filler." No offense to anyone who does but for an author looking to improve, reviews with those kind of short things won't really tell them what could be improved. If you want an honest review please continue, just a reminder though, these words are not meant as negative criticism. From one author to another they are words of advice I've learned firsthand and received by the other veterans on WN. First things first, your grammar. Some mistakes that I found was that you didn't capitalize the beginning of a sentence when someone speaks and in general. There was no capitalization at the beginning of paragraphs or names most of the time. Names should always be capitalized wherever they are. Whether it's at the beginning of a sentence, in the middle or at the end. The same with titles like King, Duke, city names, building names, etc. I saw some but they were almost nonexistent. Sometimes you would have a random capitalized word in the middle of a sentence. There are missing periods after people finished speaking and the end of sentences. Periods cause the reader to unconsciously pause and act as a separator to make things more organized. Commas also connect sentences with a bit of pause. All of these factors add to the flow and organization of your chapters. One long run-on paragraph is not easy to read for they eyes since some readers could lose their reading spot easily. For example: (He was so engrossed in his thoughts Shin didn't notice the fact that the wolf was ready to attack. It swiped at him with feral intensity, just barely whizzing past his head as he quickly sidestepped out the way but, in his moment of confusion the claws carved a deep gash on his arm. He quickly distanced himself from the wolf and asked the system.) I fixed the capitals, commas, periods and I added some different words. It's not professional work but it creates a new kind of scene from what you had previously. I tried to keep most of the original wording and sequence of events. Another thing you could do to change things up a bit instead of using pronouns like 'he', 'him', 'his' etc. you could replace some with their names. Especially if it's like a fight scene between two or more people with the same pronouns. It would be confusing to use he, him, his all the time since the reader wouldn't know who was who. For example: (He raised his sword and swung fiercely, a whip-like crack followed his blade as it rushed towards the enemy. He sensed the danger and chose to doge instead of blocking the blow. Leaping upwards he had forgotten about the other man hidden in the trees. Seeing his chance he threw out numerous dagger at him.) Confusing right? One thing that bugged me was when you randomly added the 'end chapter' or 'start' to your chapters. The readers know what's the beginning and what's the end but if you wanted to keep it as a stylistic choice keep it consistent for each chapter. Also when you wrote 'bc' instead of 'because'. Not sure why you did it but I was kinda just like, 'Wait, what?'. You also had some mistakes in your dialogue. Whenever a new speaker talks it's good to shift down and start a new line. This helps keep your writing neat by differentiating between dialogue and descriptions. There were also some skipping adding of quotation marks that didn't really make sense. For example: ("Enough? What do you mean 'enough'?" Shin asked worriedly "Just, don't piss him off," The King said blankly. "Come Shin, we have much to do." The King called on Shin to follow. "What is this place?" Shin asked, closely following the King. "I already told you, Medtron, the most advanced water-based civilization in the world. We boast the best fish as well as healers and we are known as a passive country but, should the need arise, we have plenty of offensive capability as well." The King said every word with pride. Suddenly a buoyant carriage appeared in front of them.) I'm not sure if you noticed but in the first line of the example I added singular quotation marks inside the speaking quotation marks on the last word. The singular quotation marks can be used while a character or thing is speaking to show that they are quoting something else. If you used the double marks that would be confusing as to where they stopped and started talking. With the separated spacing it's clear who is speaking and is easy to read. I also saw some spelling errors as well. In the example I used you misspelled buoyant and carriage. These small mistakes can be fixed by either auto-correct or if you're really not sure try to type it into your search bar based on what how you think it's spelled and find it from there. Now, it's time for the praise! Did you think there would be none? But, before going any further I just want to my favorite character so far is Master Shu! Back to business. Our MC is seems like the type that trouble follows so he will definitely be put in dire situations so waiting to see how he will overcome them is exciting. The system isn't too overpowered at first either though, I can see how op MC might end up in the future. Like a grotesque gourmet glutton with insane firepower. The city based on water was pretty cool too, the King seems like he's pretty chill but (I hope) there's some sort of twist. From what I saw of your updates it looks pretty steady recently which is good! Your story isn't limited to this though. With room to grow it has potential. As a writer your writing will improve over time as well. From one author to another I wish you the best of luck. Sometimes you'll hit a wall, other times it'll feel like you can bust out a two or three chapters a day but I hope you continue to write. Not sure if my review was helpful or not but... eh. Saw your post on the forums so I just wanted to lend my advice. Hopes this helps!