Capítulo 25: Chapter Six: Can We Start Over?
Haruna stared blankly at Chiyo. "I mean, I'm right, aren't I?" Chiyo asked. "...N-No... I... I'm not..." Haruna muttered. It was like her entire mind had emptied. "I don't know Haru-chi. Seems pretty obvious to me," Jasmine said. Everything Haruna could think of fell into a tangled mess, each word being ensnared by confusion and denial. Her heart was racing, but for what reason remained unclear. Was it joy? Nerves? Or, maybe it was fear.
Suddenly, Haruna stood up. "I-I have to go," she said. Then she bolted for the door. "Haru-chi!" Chiyo called, but it did nothing to slow the girl down. Once she was outside, Haruna broke into a run. It didn't last long, as she quickly turned into the nearest alleyway. Leaning against the wall, Haruna breathed heavily. "There's no way... there's just no way that's it..." she kept repeating over and over. If anyone had walked by and saw her, they may have thought she was crazy.
Honestly, it all made Haruna feel a little crazy. "In... love..." she muttered. "No... that's not right... Chiyo's wrong... she has to be..."
The hate that had plagued Haruna for so long had seemingly vanished, but taking its place was a mass of confusion. And, even putting aside her own personal feelings, there was a bigger issue. "Girls don't fall for other girls..." Haruna thought. "They don't... right?" But even that excuse sounded hollow. It wasn't like Haruna had never seen two girls together on social media or on TV. And yet, when she thought about it for herself, it made no sense. "It's fake... it's all fake..."
That was what Haruna chose to lean on. If nothing else, the only reason she could feel the way Chiyo had said was because Haruna had been forced to think that way about Kanako because she had to act like her girlfriend. "That has to be why..." Haruna told herself, but even that didn't seem to alleviate the distress she was under.
Haruna was desperate to find anything, any reason at all, to be able to explain the feelings she had in any way that didn't fall under the category of love. However, every reason she came up with just didn't fit. So, in the end, Haruna went with the one excuse that everyone can argue but no one can win against, because only the stubborn come up with it. "I refuse to accept it."
No matter what her head or heart told her, Haruna decided that she would simply deny those feelings. "I won't believe it," Haruna thought. "Besides, even if I did, there'd be so many problems. We'd probably get a lot of hate, not to mention it would be pretty hard to get married..."
Married?
Haruna's strength left her legs as she slumped to the ground. It was dirty, covered in dust and grime and surely adding its filth to the bottom-side of Haruna's skirt, but she didn't care. "What the hell am I even saying?" she wondered. "It feels like the more I try to talk myself out of it, the worse it gets."
It was then that Haruna's phone buzzed. Pulling the device out of her bag, she saw Chiyo was calling her. "Hello?" she answered weakly. "Hey girl, where'd you go? I'm looking all over for ya," Chiyo said. "I'm just sitting," Haruna said quietly. "Sitting? Sitting where?" Chiyo asked. When she spoke, Haruna felt like she was hearing an echo effect, almost as if the gal was getting closer. "Huh? Oh, there you are!" Chiyo said suddenly. Looking up, Haruna saw Chiyo and Jasmine standing in front of the alleyway entrance.
Chiyo walked over to Haruna and offered her a hand. "You should get up. It would totally suck if you stained your skirt or something," Chiyo said with a smile. "R-Right," Haruna said, taking Chiyo's hand. Once she was up, Chiyo abruptly bowed. "I'm so sorry Haru-chi! I didn't think saying that would freak you out so much!" "O-Oh, um, it's okay, I guess..." Haruna said, feeling uncomfortable. "It's not like it matters anyways, because you're wrong."
"What?" Chiyo said, standing up straight again. "You're wrong. There's no way I'm in love with Kanako," Haruna replied calmly. "Wow, she's in full-blown denial," Jasmine commented. "It's not denial. It's the truth." With each of those words that Haruna spoke, a bitter taste formed in her mouth. It was as if Haruna's body knew she was actually the one that was wrong, even if her mind didn't want to admit it.
To that response, Chiyo sighed loudly. "Whatever Haru-chi. I'm sure you'll realize it soon enough." "I'm telling you, I'm not-" Haruna began to say, but was cut off. "Come on. We should all probably get home," Chiyo said, turning away. "Is she... mad at me?" Haruna wondered. Regardless, she followed behind, and the three girls left the alleyway.
Walking along, an awkward silence permeated around them. Jasmine was just naturally a little more reserved, and Haruna normally didn't say much either, but the fact that Chiyo was around and it was quiet gave the other two girls an odd feeling. Jasmine looked at Haruna as if to ask, "What's her deal?" to which Haruna gave a shrug. Interrupting their silent exchange was the girl in question. "I'm going this way," Chiyo said. "See you tomorrow." Then she split off from Haruna and Jasmine.
"Alright, that was weird, even for her," Jasmine said once Chiyo was out of range. "Yeah I know," Haruna agreed. "Why does it bother her so much anyways?" "You know, you and I aren't as close as you and Chiyo are," Jasmine began. "I don't know every detail like she does, so it's harder for me to come to my own conclusions. But, I have to admit, I'm a little frustrated with you too Haru-chi." "Huh?! Why?" Haruna yelled. "The fact that you have to ask that question is an answer in and of itself,��� Jasmine said cryptically. Haruna sighed with aggravation. "Whatever. Don't tell me. I'm going home now." And so Haruna left Jasmine and started on her way home.
The walk was longer than usual, as the place they had been was further from Haruna's house than the school was. As each step hit the pavement, Haruna felt like she was getting deeper and deeper into her head. "She's wrong. She's wrong. She's wrong!" Haruna repeated at the end of each thought, over and over again. Anything she came up with was met with denial.
Before she knew it, Haruna had arrived at her house. However, an unexpected sight met her eyes. "O-Oh. Hello," Kanako said as she reached her own home. "K-K-K-Kanako!" Haruna exclaimed, a blush quickly forming straight across her cheeks and nose. "W-What?!" Kanako also exclaimed, surprised by Haruna's outburst. "I, um, well," Haruna struggled to put out the words. Taking a deep breath and then letting it out, she managed to form a sentence. "It's nothing."
"Well, okay," Kanako said uncertainly. "Oh, by the way. Miss Yuki-nin told me we're going to have another cooking assignment coming up, so we'll have to stay after school on that day to do it." "Alright," Haruna said without complaint. "I actually expected her to complain," Kanako thought.
While they both stood there, Haruna had a realization. "Now that I've sorted out what happened between us for myself, I should probably clear things up with Kanako too," she thought. "S-So, Kanako, can we..." Haruna began. Kanako stared at her expectantly, making it harder for Haruna to speak. "C-Can we maybe... talk after school tomorrow? I'd really appreciate it... if we could." That last part had been hardly more than a whisper, and definitely more courteous than Kanako was used to. "Well, if she's trying to be this nice about it," Kanako thought, then out loud. "Sure. I think Naomi-senpai won't mind if I tell her I won't be at club. After all, the competition just ended, so we're not doing anything important." Haruna breathed a sigh of relief. "Great. A-Also, I think I'll just walk to school by myself tomorrow." "Huh? Why?" Kanako asked. "B-Because I feel like it, that's why!" Haruna huffed. "O-Okay. I didn't mean to upset you..." Kanako said quietly. "But..." "What?" "Why weren't you at school today?"
Haruna froze. There wasn't really a good way to answer that. After all, it wasn't like she could say it was because of Kanako. "I just wasn't feeling well, alright?" Haruna answered. "Well, I guess that could be true. Although, Chiyo didn't seem to believe you," Kanako said. "Who cares? What does she know about me anyways?" Haruna said harshly. Deciding not to poke the bear any further, Kanako decided to let that particular topic go.
"Oh yeah, I-I have homework for you," Kanako said nervously as she pulled a sheet of paper out of her bag. "Great," Haruna said sarcastically, snatching the paper out of Kanako's hand. "W-Well, good night," Kanako said. "Sure. Night," Haruna replied. Then the two girls went their separate ways and went in their houses.
When Haruna got inside, she was immediately scolded by her mother for going out. "Aren't you supposed to be sick?!" she lectured. "I got better!" Haruna shot back. After a bit more back and forth, Haruna's mother finally relented and allowed her daughter to eat dinner. Then, Haruna went upstairs to start on the homework she had been given. However, as she stared at it lying on her desk, Haruna felt like she was completely incapable of focusing. The things that Chiyo had said earlier were still stuck in her mind. "...Stupid."
Though it ended up taking longer than she would've liked, Haruna eventually managed to get her homework done. Thinking everything was done for the night, Haruna began to get undressed when she happened to see the back of her skirt. It was covered in a layer of dirt. "Damn it," she thought. "And I don't really have time to wash it either." But knowing it was either wash it now or have the teachers complain to her later, Haruna decided to go with the first option.
Throwing her uniform in the laundry, Haruna sat down on a nearby chair and watched the cycle spin around and around. Many thoughts went through her head, but they eventually all led back to a single question. "What the hell am I doing?"
Haruna didn't know anymore. For so long, Kanako, Akio and her had grown up and played together. They had made a lot of fun memories and it was certain that it hadn't been a bad childhood. Even when things began to change, Haruna had felt like it was still good. But eventually, life went in a direction she didn't like, and instead of facing it, she ran away. Now, years later, here she was, coming full circle. It was almost too much.
And now, for the grand cherry on top of it all, she had a deal going with the boy she had fallen in love with to fake date another girl who she had sworn to hate. As time passed though, more things changed. No longer did Haruna's heart race for Akio, the one who it had taken her so long to realize her feelings for. Instead, it raced for someone else. An enemy. A rival... A girl... Maybe it was actually- "No," Haruna put a stop to that train of thought. The sheer level of irony it would take for that to even happen should be impossible. Faking a relationship with someone was something left for Hollywood to do. It wasn't supposed to actually happen in real life, and even if it did, those relationships probably made more sense than the one Haruna found herself being a part of.
"It just... wouldn't work," Haruna said to herself. "I... can't..." While there were plenty of reasons to take a stance against her own feelings from a societal point of view, Haruna found that the strongest ones resided within her. Particularly, it was the feeling of fear. It was hard to say exactly what that fear was, but if nothing else, she knew she could call it fear of the unknown.
When the washer buzzed to signal it had finished, Haruna pulled her uniform out of it and threw it in the dryer. Tired from thinking so much, she went straight to bed and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
*****
The next day went by without any issues. Haruna came back to school and Chiyo seemed to be back to her old self. Haruna had her doubts that Chiyo was actually fine though. While the gal was great at being lively and friendly, Haruna knew there was a deeper side to her. It didn't come out often, but every now and then she'd do or say something that would catch Haruna off-guard.
However, now wasn't the time to worry about it. With classes over, it was time for a conversation to occur that was four years overdue. Haruna began to feel nervous. ���What should I even say? Should I start with an apology? Should I go over everything from the beginning?" she panicked. In the end, Haruna didn't come up with a plan. All she could manage to do was to meet up with Kanako. "So where should we go?" she asked with a smile. "O-Oh, well, h-how about somewhere quiet, like behind the school or something?" Haruna suggested, feeling her heart pumping hard. "Hmm. Maybe the roof?" Kanako said. Haruna agreed, and so the two of them climbed up the staircase and walked out onto the sunny top of their school.
Stepping out a ways from the door, Kanako turned around and faced Haruna. "So, what did you want to talk about?" Kanako asked. Haruna stiffened. It was now or never. "I was thinking... that maybe we should talk about what happened between us..." "What do you mean?" Kanako asked. "I mean, about our... fight...back in middle school," Haruna said quietly. "O-Oh..." Kanako said, matching the other girl's tone.
"So listen," Haruna went on, feeling more resolute. "I want to start with saying I'm sorry." Kanako was surprised. "O-Okay," she said. "It's just... Ugh, I don't know how to say this," Haruna said. "Um, before you go any further," Kanako interrupted. "There's something I've actually wanted to ask you for a while." "What?" "For so long, I've never really understood what happened. Can you tell me why you lashed out at me like that?"
Kanako was getting straight to the point. "I really want to know," she said, her gaze fixed on Haruna with an air of determination. Haruna swallowed hard. "Back then," she began. "I really felt like you were abandoning me. I didn't have a whole lot of friends. Well, really, it was only two. You and Miyashita-kun. Seeing you be friendly with other people made me nervous and the more time you spent with them instead of me just made it worse. I felt like you didn't want to be my friend anymore." "God, this sounds so lame and pathetic," Haruna thought inside, but kept speaking.
"You meant a lot to me Kanako. And then it felt like you turned your back on me. So why bother being friends with someone who makes you feel that way, right?" "Wait," Kanako said, trying to take in Haruna's explanation. "So our friendship ended all because I made other friends?" Haruna looked away in response. Kanako sighed. "You can't be serious..."
Haruna felt herself getting angry from that last comment. "Look, that's how I felt alright? Sorry it's so stupid." "That's not what I mean," Kanako said. "I'm just annoyed that none of this probably had to happen in the first place. If I had known you felt that way, I could've done something about it." "Whatever. Even if I would've told you, you were too busy having fun with your other friends to care." Haruna said coldly. "You know that's not true!" Kanako shouted back. "Of course it is! We had been close for years Kanako! I shouldn't have to tell you stuff like that for you to get it!"
"So what? A long-term connection suddenly makes me a mind-reader?!" Kanako yelled. "Even without knowing each other for so long, anyone could see that you weren't hanging around me nearly as much!" "Why do you sound so jealous?!" "BECAUSE I WAS!"
Both girls stopped talking, staring at each other with shocked expressions. "I was... jealous...?" Haruna muttered. Repeating that reminded her of something Chiyo had told her recently. That Haruna seemed to be jealous of Michi. "Is that why I got so mad about Kanako talking to Fukuhara-san about our deal? Because of how close they are?" she wondered. It all made sense now. "God, I'm so stupid..."
"I wanted..." Haruna began in a now softer tone. "I wanted you to choose me over them. To spend time with me. To be my friend, and only mine. That sounds so dumb that it almost makes me sick, but it's the truth." "I...never knew..." Kanako whispered.
Both Haruna and Kanako stood in silence for a moment. A gust of wind blew across the roof, sweeping up both the long, jet-black hair of one girl and the light brown ponytail of the other. As it all fluttered in the breeze, neither said a word. Only when their hair was allowed to be still once again did one of them speak.
"Back when you said our friendship was over, I felt a pain so terrible I can't even come up with anything to compare it to," Kanako said. "You were my best friend and you meant a lot to me too. But, to find out you were suffering like that, and you didn't say anything about it, in a way, that's almost worse." Kanako's voice began to shake. "We were supposed to be best friends Haruna. Closer to each other than anyone else. So why? Why didn't you ever tell me?!" It was then that the tears began flowing. Kanako could no longer hold back her own feelings of anguish over the events of the past. More and more they poured out, drenching her face. As each drop fell, it reflected in the sunlight before splashing on the concrete below.
However, the scene before Haruna's eyes was like looking into a mirror. Her own eyes had become wet and she could feel the tears running down her cheeks. How much of her crying was sympathetic and how much of it was genuine was hard to tell, but Haruna knew that some amount of her felt the exact same way Kanako did.
Both girls stood where they were, crying out their pain that they had both felt for so long. It was a pain Kanako had carried for years, but had never truly been able to voice. And, it was a pain that Haruna had tried desperately to ignore. She had thought it was easier to run away and to hate than to face the problems in front of her. But now, after been forced together, Haruna had been left with nowhere to go.
This moment that she found herself in was exactly why she had looked the other way. She hadn't wanted to do this. Haruna had no desire to feel these complex emotions and to relive how hurt she had been several years ago. And yet, there she was, crying along with the girl she had sworn to hate for the rest of her life.
Although, even that wasn't true anymore. It seemed that the hate Haruna had spent so much time building up had dissipated. The viewpoint of Kanako being her mortal enemy no longer seemed valid. While it was still true that Haruna's personality was very rough around the edges and that that aspect of her would probably never change, it felt like for the first time, she could really make a bona fide effort in...
In what? Friendship? Her deal with Akio? "All I know is... I want to be closer to her..." Haruna thought. On that note, Haruna did something that surprised both her and Kanako.
Taking several swift steps forward, Haruna pulled Kanko into an embrace. "H-H-Haruna?!" Kanako exclaimed, her face still wet from crying. Haruna ignored her. Instead, she continued to surprise.
"I'm sorry."
"...What?" Kanako let out. "I'm so sorry Kanako," Haruna said in a heartfelt tone. "I... I should've told you back then... but honestly, I don't even think I really understood what was going on. Now that I do, I feel like an idiot." Kanako could feel Haruna's body shaking. "I don't have a lot of regrets, but I wish I would've figured this out sooner."
Kanako was stunned. "I don't think I even remember the last time Haruna was this open about her feelings," she thought, then, "I'm sorry too." "Huh? For what?" Haruna said as she released Kanako. "I should've been a better friend. You were right. It shouldn't have been hard for me to see you were being hurt. I wish I had noticed."
There was another moment of silence between them, but in that time, Haruna had a realization. "W-Wait. D-Did I just h-hug her?! What the hell?! Why did I do that?! I'm not the hugging type! Was it weird? It was totally weird right?!" Haruna panicked inside, and Chiyo's conclusion came back to her mind. "You're in love, aren't you?" it echoed. "Shut up, shut up, shut uppppp!"
Haruna could feel her face burning hot, but luckily Kanako brought her back to her senses. "So..." she started. "What now?" "What do you mean what now?" Haruna asked. "W-Well, um, are we... friends again? Or are we still only fake g-girlfriends in Akio-kun's deal?" Haruna stared at Kanako. "I feel like we had this same discussion recently," she thought. Then she remembered. It was when they had gotten trapped in the storage shed during the sports festival. However, even though it hadn't been long since then, a lot had changed for Haruna. She had been reluctant to allow any sort of close description between her and Kanako before, but now everything seemed so much clearer.
"Hey..." Haruna said. Kanako looked at her. "Can we... start over?"
"Start over?" Kanako repeated. "Yeah. Like, can we just forget about everything and act like nothing ever happened between us? Maybe we could reintroduce ourselves and just go from there, or... something... Geez, I don't know! Something like that, I guess..." Haruna explained.
"Forget... everything...?" Kanako mumbled. "So, we'd just pretend that we had never known each other and start from square one?" "That's sort of the idea, yeah," Haruna said, scratching the back of her head.
"...No."
"No?! Whaddya mean no?!" Haruna yelled. "Well, to be honest, that's a pretty bad plan. There's no way we could both just forget, not to mention the fact that watching us do that wouldn't make any sense to the people that know us," Kanako said. Haruna felt like she had been stabbed. "Those are all good points, but I honestly thought it could work..." she thought. "Besides..." Kanako continued.
"I don't want to forget." "What?" Haruna said. "I treasure the time I've spent with you Haruna, both in the past and now. A lot of the current time we've been together has admittedly been painful, but I still think it's precious. There's nothing I've wanted more than to fix our broken past. So no, I don't want to just throw away all of the memories we've made."
"So what do you suggest?" Haruna said in a grumpy mood. "I want to keep building on our experiences together," Kanako said. "I want us to be able to look back and laugh at certain times and cry at others. And I want to be able to do that together. So how about we just try actually being friends. No more insults, no more constant fighting, not even faking a relationship. When it's just the two of us, let's do our best to be like how we were."
"Friends huh?" Haruna thought to herself, then she spoke. "Fine. But I can't promise I'll always be nice to you. It's just not in my nature." Kanako laughed. "Sure, sure," then she stuck out her hand. "You always shake on a deal right?" Haruna sighed, then joined her hand with Kanako's and shook. However, as she did that, something didn't feel right. The idea of being friends was one that Haruna found she didn't like. She figured it had to do with residual feelings from her past, but something else told her that wasn't entirely it. The feeling felt like it was telling her that she wanted... more.
Deciding to simply push that feeling away, Haruna moved on to accepting the fact that she and Kanako were officially friends again. They dropped their hands away from each other and Kanako walked over to the edge of the roof. Haruna followed her over and they both looked out onto the rest of Iwanai High's campus. A few seconds later, Haruna turned her attention to Kanako, who was beaming. "Why do you look so happy?" Haruna asked. "Because we're friends again! Of course I'm happy!" Kanako said with joy. Her response caused Haruna to blush. "That's so dumb," Haruna said as she looked away, feeling embarrassed. "Hey! It's not dumb! Muuu!" Kanako pouted as she tapped her fists on Haruna's arm repeatedly.
Giving up her attack, Kanako switched topics. "Are you excited for the festival this weekend?" she asked. "Festival?" Haruna said. "Yeah, the festival! You know, the one they throw for Tanabata every year?" Kanako said, a little disappointed Haruna had appeared to have forgotten. "Oh. Right. Tanabata." Haruna had indeed forgotten. The reason was that she hadn't even gone to the festival in years. She had never been big on crowded places in the first place, but not having anyone to go with also made attending such an event feel rather pointless. Of course, Chiyo had tried to convince Haruna to go multiple times, but she had never succeeded.
"It's been a while since I went," Haruna said. "Really?" Kanako spoke nervously. ""T-Then, um... w-would you like to go... with me?" Haruna felt her heart leap at the offer. "With you?" she asked, just to be sure. "I mean, only if you want to..." Kanako said. "I'll go," Haruna said before she could actually think it over. "You will?!" Kanako said with excitement. "S-Sure. It's not that big of a deal," Haruna said, now feeling uncertain if agreeing to go was such a good idea.
Deciding that everything that needed to be said had been said, the two girls began to head toward the staircase to leave the roof. When Haruna opened the door though, she found a surprise she didn't like. "Miyashita-kun?!" she screamed. "Oh, hello," he said casually and with a small wave. "W-W-What are you doing here Akio-kun?!" Kanako said, shocked as well to see him. "Well, I saw you two heading up here, so I figured I'd follow you to see how things went," he explained. "I must say, that was quite the spirited conversation. I'm glad you could work it all out." "You little-" Haruna began saying as she lunged at Akio. Picking him up by the collar, Haruna slammed him up against the wall. "You heard everything didn't you?!" she yelled. "H-Haruna!" Kanako called, not sure what to do. "Hey, don't be so mad. This what you agreed to remember?" Akio said slyly, then he leaned in closer so only Haruna could hear him. "Besides, isn't going to the festival with Kana-chan a good chance for you? Maybe you'll even get to confess. Now that would be convincing and exciting."
"You jerk!" Haruna shouted as she threw Akio to the ground. He landed hard, the impact forcing a pained grunt out of him. Looking up, he could see Haruna's face had turned a burning shade of red. "That's interesting," he commented to himself. "Akio-kun!" Kanako said, but before she could check if he was alright, Haruna had grabbed her wrist and began pulling her away. "Come on Kanako. We're leaving." "But what about Akio-kun?" Kanako asked. "He's fine! He's where he belongs anyways. On the ground with the rest of the dirt."
Haruna was annoyed beyond belief. "I can't believe that idiot was listening to our whole conversation like that! That was private! I don't care if we made some deal with Miyashita-kun. That was none of his business!" Haruna kept stomping down the stairs with Kanako in tow. She had protested at first, but she gave up after realizing Haruna wasn't going to let go. "And what's with the way he views Kanako and I's relationship anyway? The way he talks about it makes it sound like some sort of game. It really pisses me off!"
Finally, Haruna stopped. "Haruna, are you okay?" Kanako asked. "Why does it bother me so much what he thinks of our relationship?" Haruna wondered. Looking at Kanako, the girl cocked her head when she looked back. "Whatever," she muttered. Ultimately, she decided to ignore it, just like how she had decided to ignore what Chiyo had told her too. All that mattered now was rebuilding her friendship with Kanako.
Offering her hand, Haruna gave a rare smile. Kanako smiled back and took it. This was all she needed, Haruna told herself. To be able to be with her like this, walking hand in hand. And yet, there was this feeling, this nagging feeling...
...that Haruna needed more.
End of Chapter Six.
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