Capítulo 38: Chapter Nineteen: Love, A Small Step Forward, And Failure
The first one inside was Chiyo, and she went straight up the stairs to go check on Michi. However, when she got to the hallway, she saw a sight that amused her. Rather than run into her own room, Michi had chosen to run into Kanako and Chiyo's room instead. Whether that was due to not thinking clearly or intentional, Chiyo found herself laughing a little about it. "So she decided to hole up in the room of her best friend and me huh?"
Chiyo was almost tempted to just leave the situation as it was. After all, if Michi had gone into the wrong room on purpose, then maybe she wasn't in as bad a condition as Chiyo thought. Although, she also knew that that could be just as unlikely as well. There was also the fact that with it being Chiyo at the door, Michi might not even answer. Regardless, Chiyo still felt inclined to try. After all, the worst thing that could happen would be Michi just yelling a bunch of insults, which would be nothing new.
Gently, Chiyo rapped on the door. "Mi-chan?" she called. "You okay?" The only response was silence. "Maybe she's asleep?" Chiyo thought. She tried knocking again and twisted the doorknob as well, but still no answer, this time with the accompaniment of a knob refusing to budge. "I'm still a little worried..." Just as she was about to knock a third time, Chiyo's phone vibrated. It was a text from Michi. All it said was "I'm fine. Go away."
Looking at the message, Chiyo smiled. "Well, if she can tell me something like that, then I guess it's alright," she told herself. As Chiyo began to head back downstairs, she also thought, "That's the first time Mi-chan has texted me first." It put a little more bounce in her step as the gal felt she was chipping away at Michi's ice-cold attitude toward her.
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Chiyo found the other girls all gathered around, waiting for her. "I-Is Mi-chan okay?" Kanako asked. Chiyo nodded. "Yup. Buuut, she won't be coming out of the room she's in, which puts us in a tiny bit of pinch." "Huh? Why does that matter? What room is she in?" Haruna asked. "Mi-chan locked herself up in me and Kana-chan's room, sooo like, we're gonna have to rearrange who's sleeping where," Chiyo explained. "S-She's in our room?!" Kanako exclaimed, surprised by this information. "Why didn't she just go in her own room?" Chiyo half-smiled, half-smirked. "Who knows?" she said cryptically.
"Anyways, if Mi-chan is in your guys' room, where're you two gonna sleep?" Jasmine asked. "Hmm. Hey, I know! Why don't we mix things up tonight?" Chiyo suggested. "What do you mean?" Mayu asked. "We can all pair up with whoever we want!" Chiyo said gleefully. "Oh, then I want Mayu-chan!" Itsuki said excitedly. "Then I'll take Jas-chin!" Chiyo said, sidling up to her fellow gal. "Ugh. Do you have to be with me?" Jasmine moaned. "C���mon Jas-chin, we sleep together all the time," Chiyo said with a wink. "Even if you wanna put it like that, it doesn't change the fact that you snore louder than a motorboat," Jasmine commented. "Huh?! I don't snore!" Chiyo whined. Jasmine snickered. "Stop being mean Jas-chin!"
Switching gears quickly, Chiyo moved on and slid over to Haruna. "Hey Haru-chi," she started smugly in a whisper. "Now's your chance to get all cuddly with Kana-chan." "W-Wha-?! C-C-Chiyo, what the hell?!" Haruna yelled back. "Did Chiyo say something?" Kanako asked. "Oh, don't worry about it Kana-chan. I'm just giving Haru-chi here some friendly love advice," Chiyo cooed. "Love advice?" Kanako repeated, still not really getting it. "I-Ignore her Kanako," Haruna said, recovering from Chiyo's all-too-sudden suggestion.
Once everything was decided, the girls went in order to take their baths. It was Mayu and Itsuki first, then Chiyo and Jasmine. When Chiyo got out, she went to have some fun with Haruna. "Haru-chi, maybe you should go in the bath together with Kana-chan," she said. Haruna's face went a bright red, but this time she managed to contain most of her embarrassment. "There's no way we could that," she said. "That bath is too small for two people anyways." "Funny, that's what Jas-chin said when I tried to get in with her," Chiyo said casually. "You actually tried to?" Haruna asked, a little dumbfounded. "Yeah, but it didn't work," Chiyo said sadly. "It's probably because you're getting fat," Jasmine said, appearing behind Chiyo. "I'm not fat!" Chiyo said adamantly, bopping Jasmine's arm repeatedly.
Kanako laughed, causing Haruna to look over at her. "It's pretty funny to watch them, don't you think?" Kanako said. "Yeah, I guess so," Haruna agreed. If anything, Haruna thought Jasmine's playful jabs at Chiyo were deserved. What goes around comes around.
Next up was Kanako, but she quickly realized a problem. "U-Um, my clothes..." she started saying. "Oh, right. You don't have any now either," Chiyo said. She had solved her own problem by borrowing from Jasmine. "Can you spare any more Jas-chin?" Chiyo asked. Jasmine shook her head. "Sorry, but everything I have left is either dirty or wouldn't be good to sleep in," she said. "What am I going to do? I can't sleep in this dress..." Kanako mumbled. Haruna thought for a moment, then made a suggestion of her own. "I think I have something you could wear." "Really?" Kanako said expectantly. "I mean, I don't wear anything fancy, so the clothes I give you should be ones you can sleep in easily enough." After all, Haruna had essentially only brought shorts, t-shirts and a pair of jeans for choice of outfits. "That would be great Haruna. Thanks," Kanako said happily. "S-Sure, no problem," Haruna said, blushing.
Going up to her room, Haruna grabbed a simple black t-shirt and shorts and came back to give them to Kanako. So with her clothing situation resolved, Kanako was finally able to take her bath. For the time being, Haruna had decided to wait downstairs. She figured it'd be easier than potentially having to leave the room if Kanako wanted to change in there or something. After a while, Kanako's voice called down from the stairs, telling Haruna that the bath was free. Taking her cue, Haruna finally headed up, flipping off the lights as she was the last one left (Chiyo and Jasmine had gone up with Kanako).
Once the bath was filled, Haruna sank into the water. At the moment, she didn't want to think about anything. It had been a crazy night, and now, one of Haruna's biggest concerns was coming to fruition. She had been worried about ending up in the same room as Kanako, but Haruna had lucked out when she got Itsuki as a roommate. Now though, the bullet could no longer be dodged. "I get the feeling I'm not going to sleep well..." Haruna sighed to herself. But, she decided to put those worries out of her mind. Haruna had no desire to think about her own feelings, the pain in the ass named Michi, or really anything else at all. For the time being, all Haruna wanted to do was soak in the water and relax.
As it turned out, that proved to be the right choice. In fact, Haruna was glad to be as relaxed as possible, because if she hadn't been, dealing with the scene before her would've been much more difficult. Right when she opened the door, Haruna had found Kanako finishing up preparing and fluffing her futon (or as much as one could fluff a futon). That of course had not been the sight that had caused Haruna to freeze in the doorway.
Before her now was the girl Haruna liked, wearing Haruna's clothes, and definitely wearing them better than she ever had. Seeing Kanako dressed in a black t-shirt and black shorts was certainly different and far from the norm of anything she'd usually wear, but it wasn't a bad look. In fact, seeing the somewhat baggy clothes on her created a rather cute air around her. That was one of the aspects that Haruna was taking in. The other, though... "I really am grateful for the clothes, b-but it is a little tight up here... " Kanako said shyly as she motioned toward her chest.
The length of the shirt was kind of longer than what would normally fit Kanako, but in an apparent way to fix that issue, some of the shirt was being pulled up. Or was out the right word? Haruna didn't really know. What she did know, however, was that one of her shirts was being stretched a bit like it never had been before thanks to Kanako's chest size. Of course, it wasn't as if Kanako's breasts were huge. In fact, they were pretty standard in size. But, compared to Haruna, who had basically none to show for it, this was a big difference.
"If it's that uncomfortable then sleep without it on," Haruna snarked. Kanako stared for a moment before realizing where Haruna's attitude was coming from. "Oh, no! I-I didn't mean it like that!" Kanako panicked, then in a quieter, but also more nervous voice, "I-I'm sure yours will grow out t-too..." All Haruna could do was sigh in response. "Whatever. It's not like I really care." And that was the truth. Haruna didn't really care much about her own chest size. The only reason she ever reacted to comments about it was mostly due to Chiyo. The way she'd poke fun at Haruna about it just always seemed to irk her.
But, the view of Kanako in Haruna's clothes had been the other the reason she had opted to stay downstairs while Kanako bathed. "I've seen scenes in movies and stuff about the girl wearing the guy's clothes or whatever, but who knew it really was so..." Haruna thought, allowing her mind to trail off. "U-Um, Haruna? You're kind of... s-staring a lot..." Kanako said. "Oh, I-I am?" Haruna said, feeling embarrassed now herself. "Well, I know it's probably weird right? These clothes don't really suit me," Kanako said. "Does it matter? You're just going to sleep in them anyways," Haruna said plainly. "That's true," Kanako agreed. "Well, I guess as long as you're the only one that see this, it's fine."
Haruna was surprised by that statement. "Only... me?" she repeated in her head. While she wanted to bask in the joy of hearing something that fell under the umbrella of "As long as it's you..." another thought came to mind instead. "I wonder... if she'd say the same thing to Miyashita-kun..." It wasn't something Haruna wanted to think about, but it was worth considering. After all, for as much as Haruna was in love with Kanako, that was still a one way road.
Deciding that they were both ready for bed, Haruna went to turn off the lights. While she did, Kanako had gotten into her futon, and shortly after, Haruna got into her own as well. It was only once she had laid down that Haruna realized how close together they were.
Lying next to her, Haruna watched as Kanako's chest and shoulders rose and fell with each soft breath. She had already closed her eyes and seemed to be fast asleep, lying on her side and facing Haruna. The longer she stared, the more she noticed. Kanako's long eyelashes, her peaceful expression, her small and now make-up-less lips. Her hair was undone as well, causing it to cascade down around her face and neck. All in all, it was a scene Haruna didn't want to pull her eyes away from.
While she watched Kanako, Haruna picked up a couple of smells as well. The first was naturally Kanako's shampoo and soap from her bath. They were pleasant scents, combining to form a fragrance one might come across in a field of flowers. Complimenting that well was one other smell that Haruna noticed. It was one she was quite familiar with, and in the category it came from, it was one of the few she didn't mind.
For most of Haruna's life, perfumes and colognes had been something that caused her to feel nauseous. Part of that was a true feeling of sickness, but the other had to do with their associations. It often seemed like whenever Haruna came across someone wearing enough to be noticeable, it was someone that Haruna didn't like. They tended to be pompous or overbearing, thinking they were cool or refined but really just coming off as arrogant assholes. So while it was true that the smell of most perfumes and colognes affected Haruna physically, it was really more of a mental problem.
That is, however, until that one fateful day in a shop that sold such items. After finding one she liked, Kanako had asked Haruna to try it too. Surprisingly, she hadn't minded it. Whether or not Kanako knew about Haruna's aversion, she didn't know, but it still appeared that Kanako was being considerate of that fact. In the end, Kanako had bought it continually, even now.
The name of the perfume was Lilac, and it smelled mostly the same as the actual flower, though there was a touch of bitterness added to it to make sure the sweetness of the scent wasn't overwhelming. And now, even after taking a bath, that scent continued to linger on Kanako. In Haruna's case, she found it to be quite pleasant. Putting the sight of a sleeping Kanako together with the Lilac perfume was almost too much.
Slowly, Haruna's hand slid out from under her covers and began to reach for the girl next to her. Blind thoughts ran through her head. "I want to touch her... I want... to hold her..." Closer and closer her hand got, but just as it was about to caress Kanako's face, Haruna froze. For a moment, she just stayed completely still, baffled by the sight of her own hand hovering over Kanako. Then, Haruna lunged away (or as much as one can while laying down), taking her hand with her. "What the hell was I trying to do...?" Haruna asked herself. Of course, Kanako was completely unaware of what was going on, sleeping soundly as Haruna panicked at her own actions.
"Why was I doing that? What did I want to do?" Haruna wondered as she sat up. Staring at Kanako, Haruna began to guess. "Did I... want to do something... s-sexual...?" Quickly, Haruna shook her head. "No, I don't think it's to that extreme. If anything, it probably has to do with Chiyo's comment earlier. Still..." It was a weird feeling for Haruna. Never once had she felt so strongly about wanting to hold someone close like how she may have been attempting to do. Although, when Haruna thought on it more, it's not like she had many chances in the past to experience such feelings. After all, the only person she had ever liked before Kanako was Akio, and they had certainly never been in a situation like the one Haruna found herself in now.
Letting out a heavy but quiet sigh, Haruna crawled back under her strewn-out covers and tucked herself back in. However, as she laid on back with her eyes closed, Haruna's mind kept racing. "Why is this so different?" she wondered. It was a good question to ask. In the time that Haruna had been aware of her feelings for Akio, even just the thought of holding hands seemed like too much. And yet, here she was now, wanting to do something even more intimate than that with Kanako. "Is it because I'm already used to holding hands with her and being around her more?" Haruna thought. Even during the time Haruna hated Kanako, she was pretty sure that their total time spent together was still more than the total time Haruna had spent with Akio, if only due to shared classes. In fact, looking back on it, Haruna hadn't really spent much time with Akio at all during her junior high years. Other than joint-family gatherings and the occasional times they had gotten together, Haruna was hardly around the boy.
In reaction to all of this, Haruna laughed on the inside. It was all she could do. "How stupid," she thought happily. "Even when I hated her, she was the one I was with the most between them." Haruna briefly opened her eyes to stare at Kanako as she slept. "Who would've thought..." she went on, "that I'd fall in love with you?"
It truly was an outcome Haruna had never even considered. Never in her wildest dreams did she think she'd be falling for a girl, much less one she had claimed to hate. And yet, it had happened. Haruna was still uneasy about it. After all, it wasn't like girls going out with other girls was normal. Even putting that aside, Haruna had fallen for the one girl who was head over heels for another person, a boy. Although, that reminded Haruna of something.
"Kanako had said something about Miyashita-kun pushing away her feelings... Did something happen over summer?" Haruna had no idea what Kanako had been talking about, but in the moment, she had glossed over that comment. All she had cared about was easing Kanako's pain. But now it seemed like something worth considering. "Does this mean that she's not as in love with Miyashita-kun as she used to be?" It was hard to say really. Kanako had been in love with Akio for most of her life and it had basically been an open secret. However, even though that was true, it wasn't like she was constantly making advances on him or anything. She had always seemed content to just be with Akio as a close friend, nothing more. That was what Haruna had thought anyways, until that fateful day that the two girls both ended up behind the school when they had planned to confess.
But, coming back to Kanako's comment in the woods, it made Haruna wonder if that meant the door was open for her. It would be just a crack, she knew, but knowing she had any chance at all was better than none. Thinking her odds were at 0 percent, Haruna hadn't even entertained the thought of confessing. Chiyo had suggested it before, but it had felt impossible back then. Even in the current time, there were still substantial hurdles to overcome, but Haruna didn't feel like her chances were 0 anymore.
"Honestly I'm probably putting too much hope into this..." Haruna sighed. It was a lot to bet on, that was for sure. Despite how Kanako usually presented herself, Haruna knew she was strong on the inside. Something as simple as Akio pushing away her feelings didn't seem likely to deter her completely. Actually the odds of it having much more than a temporary impact seemed pretty slim in and of itself. But, even knowing that, Haruna felt like now she had the opportunity to make some progress.
"I bet Chiyo had been expecting me to get closer to Kanako on this trip," Haruna thought. "I mean, it's not like I didn't want to either, but I was just still so unsure..." Going into this trip, Haruna still hadn't fully accepted her feelings. Sure, she knew she was in love with Kanako, but that didn't mean she knew how to act on those feelings. As Chiyo liked to point out, it had taken Haruna quite some time to realize she was in love with Akio originally, let alone to actually work up the nerve to even confess. It was definitely fair to say that Haruna was not a very romantically-adept person.
Unfortunately, even having a little more confidence wasn't enough to really force Haruna into a confession. There was still that massive, looming barrier that stood in front of her: the fact that both she and Kanako were both girls. It wasn't as if a confession was destined to go poorly. There was always the possibility that Kanako said yes without any persuasion, but that was thinking too idealistically, Haruna thought.
Then there was the possibility of Kanako rejecting Haruna. Getting rejected was bad enough, but Haruna felt like receiving one from Kanako would be particularly bad. Not only would her feelings not be accepted, but Kanako would probably forever think that Haruna was a lesbian. Truth be told, Haruna wasn't entirely sure herself. She knew she liked Kanako, but she didn't really have any feelings toward any other girls. It felt really confusing.
"Yeah, let's not go down that road," Haruna decided. Ultimately, she came to a conclusion: while she wasn't sure if she'd be able to confess, Haruna knew that she had to start making actual strides or else she really could lose Kanako to Akio. "I'll ask Chiyo and Jasmine-chan about it in the morning," Haruna thought. With that, she finally began to drift off into a restless sleep.
*****
Little to Haruna's knowledge, Kanako had, in fact, still been awake.
"Why was Haruna acting so weird?" Kanako thought. Briefly, she had been able to tell that something was moving in front of her eyelids. Opening them just enough to see, Kanako had found Haruna's hand above her head before witnessing her friend suddenly bolting away. For a while, she watched through the slit in her eyes while Haruna just sat there, looking right back at her. "Is there something on me?" Kanako wondered, beginning to feel a little scared. Considering how close Haruna's hand had been, then the way she had quickly moved, maybe that something had tried to attack her. That seemed like a logical conclusion, at least to Kanako. "Then again, I don't feel any weight... A bug, maybe?" She wanted to check, but Kanako felt like if she tried to, Haruna might freak out more. In the end, Kanako remained still.
It wasn't long until Haruna seemed to have resolved whatever it was that had been bothering her, because she proceeded to get back into her futon without any further incident. Kanako was still confused, but she was glad that some creature being on her didn't appear to actually be the case. If it was, Haruna probably would've tried to get rid of it again, Kanako had concluded. Finding peace of mind in that, Kanako tried going back to sleep. However, sleep evade her.
Turn after toss after turn Kanako went, being unable to find a comfortable position. "Is it because we switched rooms?" she wondered. "No, I doubt that's it. They're all the same anyways." Kanako tried thinking back, eventually landing on the most recent event of her getting lost in the woods. "Am I still worried about that?" Kanako guessed. "But Haruna found me, so it's all okay now." Thinking that, Kanako slowly opened her eyes to look at Haruna. She appeared to be asleep, but just as Kanako had been faking it, she knew Haruna might be too.
"She... found me..." Kanako repeated in her head. "She had looked so worried too..." In a way, it made Kanako happy that Haruna had been the one to rescue her. It felt right. However, seeing her friend look so concerned was something Kanako was not used to seeing. In recent years, Haruna had always been scowling or glaring or just looking unhappy in general. She never seemed to show any emotions other than negative ones anymore, so to see her looking the way she did had certainly surprised Kanako. Of course, she had been in such a sad state that she hadn't taken much notice of it at the time aside from her initial reaction, but now, Kanako felt a smile creeping across her lips. "She does care," she thought pleasantly.
It was always hard to tell with Haruna. She wasn't like some typical tsundere where they say mean things but mean something else. If Haruna wanted to be nice, she was nice and if she wanted to be mean, she was mean. It sounded like a simple enough personality, but that was what made her so hard to understand sometimes. Haruna could be a jerk one moment and then turn around and be nice (or as nice as she could manage). But, her face when she found Kanako in the woods had told Kanako all she needed to know.
"She's come a long way," Kanako thought. "Who would've guessed that the girl swearing up a storm at me on the street would be my friend again?" Kanako was remembering a day early on in their deal with Akio. They had been walking back from school and Haruna had started berating Kanako as usual. But, that day it had been much worse, with Haruna swearing practically every other word. Kanako had ended up slapping her for it.
Thinking about Haruna's progress made Kanako reflect on her own. "I guess it's not as bad as I made it out to be..." she thought, feeling a little embarrassed about how much grief she had given herself. Kanako had begun to felt so alone, but Haruna's embrace and passionate words had been enough to remind her that she wasn't. Even if it felt like Akio and Michi were pushing her away in one way or another, she still had plenty of other people around her. Haruna, Chiyo, Jasmine, Itsuki, Mayu. They weren't really going anywhere. All they were doing was living their lives, and all Kanako had to do was continuing living her own. That would allow her to stay with her friends.
As for the other two... "I hope I can work things out with Michi..." Kanako thought sadly. She was pretty sure Michi was about to try and stop her from running away, but then she hadn't. Also, the fact that Michi had chosen to pick a fight with Haruna instead of checking on Kanako had been something that had stood out as well. "I need to talk to her," Kanako thought with decisiveness. "I want to know what's bothering her. I don't like that we keep fighting all the time either..."
Then there was Akio. "..." Kanako still wasn't really sure what to think about the boy and his most-recent actions. Initially, it had felt to Kanako that Akio was trying to put an end to her feelings, but upon further reflection, that didn't appear to be the case. Whatever it was though, Kanako wasn't quite sure.
Deciding she should save that issue for later, Kanako tried to fall asleep again, but to no avail. She had also noticed that during her thinking, Haruna had been moving around quite a bit as well. "I wonder if she can't sleep either," Kanako thought. Joining Haruna in her struggle, the two girls continued to roll over back and forth on their respective futons as they each tried to find dreamland.
*****
In the middle of the night, one girl laid awake, alone in the dark of a room that wasn't her own.
In a mad dash caused mostly by shock, Michi had ran into the cabin and up the stairs, dashing into the first room she saw. It really had been coincidence that the room she had chosen happened to be Kanako and Chiyo's. When she had realized her mistake, she had been about to go back to her own room, but then stopped when she heard the others come back in a few minutes after her. Michi had a feeling that if she went out of the room, someone (probably Chiyo) would stop her and try to talk to her. "I don't feel like talking to anyone," Michi thought bitterly.
However, her premonition-like feeling came true, as Chiyo had come knocking at the door. Knowing she wouldn't go away without some sort of response, Michi had reluctantly texted her, and after that, Michi was left alone. But as time went on, the reality of what had happened set in.
"I really... screwed up, didn't I?" Michi muttered. She had taken a seat on the futon that belonged to Chiyo. "I abandoned her... She got lost out in the forest and I just left her on her own..." Thinking back on her own actions made Michi almost feel sick. "Why did I lie about where she was? Why wasn't I the first one out the door instead of Endo-san? All I did was sit back and watch..."
Michi wanted to blame someone else, but this time she knew there was no one else. "I could've stopped Kana-chan when I had the chance. I could've tried to speak calmly instead of lashing out at her... She probably hates me now..." All of these questions and thoughts combined to form a reaction in Michi: she began to cry.
As the tears came, Michi flopped down, her head landing on Chiyo's pillow. She didn't say a word, neither aloud nor inside. All she could do was cry at her own mistakes. It felt like hours went by as her face remained buried in the pillow. Eventually Michi checked the time and saw that indeed, hours had passed. The light of the moon was slipping in through the crack in the curtains, and it would've been the only light source for anyone to see Michi's face had anyone else been with her.
Her eyes were red and she was sniffling repeatedly. "I feel like a little kid..." she thought to herself. Michi wasn't one to cry often. In fact, she made it a point not to. But in the moment, she couldn't help it. Now, most of her tears had dried up, but all that did was leave her cheeks looking red to go with her eyes.
After momentarily looking up, Michi placed her head back down on Chiyo's pillow. She sucked in a deep breath and found that the air around her was a sweet aroma. Michi was aware of Kanako's Lilac perfume, but comparing that to what she smelled, she knew they weren't the same. That meant that the scent had to be coming from the spot where Michi was, which of course was Chiyo��s futon. "Why does that stupid gyaru... have to smell so nice..." Michi thought. It was a thought without much emotion, as Michi was just numb after crying. But, even in that state, she felt a sense of comfort.
Reluctantly accepting it, Michi found sleep much easier than two of her counterparts.
End of Chapter Nineteen.
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