Capítulo 193: The Labyrinth of Emotions
She was not at a loss for words but rather at a loss for how to express them. A simple "no" would hardly convince Bai Zhanfeng. Smiling, Xianyue took another sip of her wine, saying, "Do you really think I'm the sort to care about idle gossip, Bai Zhanfeng?"
Her heart was a tangle of emotions—joy, anxiety, or perhaps both. While she was indeed grateful for a friend who placed her first in everything, it was a sentiment she could no longer afford.
Bai Zhanfeng laughed; indeed, her actions had always been guided by her own mind. She was not one to be swayed by the murmurs of others or waver in her resolve. But seeing the guards at the door, he knew something had indeed occurred within Bai Manor. It was his father's doing, no doubt. She wasn't the type to speak behind people's backs. Since she didn't wish to explain, there was no point in asking further. Yet, since it happened under his roof, he would soon find out regardless.
Bai Zhanfeng's gaze softened, his dark, deep eyes a mixture of steel and gratitude. Yes, gratitude. Back when she had volunteered to come to Bai Manor, he'd felt an indescribable happiness. Her every action reminded him of the past, when she still bore the same affections for him as before, without bitterness over what happened at the Valley of Death. Her presence at Bai Manor had given him some peace of mind. Within his reach, he longed to do something—anything—for her.
"Do you still see me as the Xianyue who once roamed the martial world?"
Xianyue tapped the table with her fingers. "I'm now in a position of duty. Well-rested and recovered, it's time I return to the military camp. Cheng Qiang's forces are soon to arrive at Ye City. Reports say Xuan Yuanhao has reached Chu, heading for Biluo River. You can't mobilize the troops of the Lan Kingdom on your own; I must be there to command."
It was rare for Xianyue to explain patiently. Casting a glance at the guards by the door, her lips pressed tightly together as a faint crease appeared between her brows. Her words were well-intentioned, yet Bai Zhanfeng, though occasionally blunt and single-minded, was no fool. His father's interference seemed overly obvious—did he not understand the strained relationship between Bai Zhanfeng and Chen Ruoxi?
Xianyue drank deeply, feeling her spirits lift, although she still favored the old days with Nian Xiaoyu. Yet, it would be Chen Ruoxi who would stay by Bai Zhanfeng's side from now on. Words of advice might be unwelcome, but, in honor of the fine wine, Xianyue decided to speak.
She poured Bai Zhanfeng a bowl of wine, glancing at him as though weighing how to approach the subject without offending. The wine before her was too fine; any strain on the atmosphere would spoil her enjoyment.
Bai Zhanfeng was no Lan Yixuan, who could face any upheaval without flinching. Under Xianyue's steady gaze, he was uneasy. The guards at the door only heightened his curiosity—had something truly happened while he was away? Before he could think twice, he asked, "Is there something you wish to say?"
Xianyue chuckled softly. "Bai Zhanfeng, do you find the barracks' hard beds as comfortable as the soft warmth of home?"
Before Chen Ruoxi came to the Rose Courtyard, she had heard the servants' whispers. Since their wedding, Bai Zhanfeng had stayed at the barracks, a dream turned cold reality for Chen Ruoxi. To him, she meant no more than a political arrangement.
Towards Chen Ruoxi, Xianyue felt no real affection; perhaps she was merely meddling. But, for two people fated to share a life together, why not make their lives a little more harmonious?
"Bai Zhanfeng, are you out of your mind?"
Any other time, Bai Zhanfeng would have taken her remark in stride, accustomed to her straightforward ways. But when it came to Chen Ruoxi, he was resolute. He had made it clear on their wedding day that, while he would honor her position as his wife, his heart would always belong to Xianyue. All she had to do was stay in her place. Between them, love was never a part of the agreement.
His brows knitted into a sharp line, his face darkening with anger. "So, this is your 'urgent matter'?"
Xianyue tapped the bed frame, something dawning on her. "Of course not."
While she cared about their marriage, it wasn't her place to meddle further. As an outsider, her words would carry little weight.
Holding the wine jug close, she licked her lips in satisfaction. "I hadn't intended to say any of this, but considering your hospitality and—more importantly—this perfect pear blossom wine, I decided to speak my mind. You know, like you, I hate bottling things up. Let me say this before we get to the rest."
She had intended to speak with Chen Ruoxi herself, yet her demeanor had deterred her. She was living indulgently yet aimlessly, her mind adrift. Wine, it seemed, was a beautiful thing—a cure for melancholy that left nothing but lightness in its wake. The rich pear blossom wine brought her back to her days at Pear Blossom Mountain—a time filled with hardship, yet her spirit had been unbreakable, her heart hopeful.
Bai Zhanfeng watched that serene smile, feeling as if a thorn had pricked him. He feared this moment, yet she had spoken anyway. Had he known that the wine would bring up words he wished never to hear, he would never have brought it home.
Turning his head away, he downed the tea in front of him, his face dark with a rigid resolve, layers of ice in his expression. "I know I cannot possess you. No matter what I do, it's futile. You have the right not to love me, but must you sever even this sentiment I hold? Is keeping this love in my heart truly not allowed?"
His voice rose, laced with a barely contained frustration.
Xianyue arched her brow, a teasing smile curling her lips. "Bai Daxia, you've grown quite articulate, haven't you?"
"Bai Zhanfeng, I truly wish to slap you twice right now. If I didn't regard you as a friend, I certainly wouldn't waste my breath on you."
Bai Zhanfeng gazed at Xianyue, observing her sudden rise, her bright eyes tinged with the intoxicating haze of spirits. It reminded him of their time in Yanjing, where she would often express her disdain for his meddling, her face contorting with scorn as she accused him of being a narcissist. In those moments, he felt frustration but never sorrow; he would quickly let it go, restoring his customary confidence and continuing his pursuit. But now, he could only envy the courage he once possessed.
His eyes remained fixed on Xianyue, momentarily ensnared in that bittersweet reminiscence, his taut expression easing into a gentle smile.
Xianyue observed Bai Zhanfeng with a tinge of sympathy. She was unaware of what memories flooded his mind, yet she knew that this smile was surely tied to her.
Life had grown excessively comfortable recently, as if her own sharpness was dulled to the point of near extinction. She pressed her lips together and waved her hand in front of him: "Bai Zhanfeng, that person is your wife, not Nian Xiaoyu."
Each word was crisp and clear, pulling Bai Zhanfeng back from his fond recollections.
Bai Zhanfeng widened his eyes, staring at Xianyue, his slightly parted lips closing again—not for lack of words, but simply because he had none to say.
Indeed, that person was not Nian Xiaoyu. After years of rejection, at least she had ultimately found her own happiness. But Chen Ruoxi was different; she was his wife, and her happiness depended on him, Bai Zhanfeng. Having married her, he must take responsibility.
Xianyue's hands were intertwined, her clear eyes reflecting a calm indifference, as if to her, this was merely a dispute between Bai Zhanfeng and Chen Ruoxi, wholly unrelated to her.
"Bai Zhanfeng, if you don't want to take responsibility, then don't marry her. Do you think the daughters of the Chen family would ever worry about finding a good man? Since you've married her, treat her well. She likes you, so regardless of worth, cherish her."
Though she considered Chen Ruoxi quite ordinary, given her status and appearance, it was unfathomable that no worthy suitor would seek her hand in Bai and Chu.
Bai Zhanfeng hung his head in silence, and Xianyue sniffled lightly, poking at the back of his hand with her finger, chuckling softly: "Do you understand?"
Bai Zhanfeng raised his gaze, meeting her bright, laughter-laden eyes: "If the one you love deeply is Lan Yixuan, yet you marry me, can you truly act this way?"
Xianyue withdrew her finger, furrowing her brow in contemplation. After a long moment, she nodded affirmatively: "I would."
Noting the skepticism in Bai Zhanfeng's gaze, she leaned against the table, sitting up straight: "Marrying you was my own choice. Since it was my decision, I must strive to start anew. I don't expect to forget everything from the past, but those things that should be forgotten will remain buried deep within my heart, hidden from others. At the very least—"
Xianyue paused, her gaze drifting past Bai Zhanfeng: "We must give each other a chance, Bai Zhanfeng. If I marry you, I will work hard to learn to love you, and I promise I will do better than Nian Xiaoyu, ensuring you never feel that my heart belongs to someone else."
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