Capítulo 34: Chapter 34: Talking it Out.
I was sitting in my cabin. My ki fluctuating oddly. I felt odd, off even. I felt like I had understood myself, but… did I really? At that moment when we clashed, I wasn't thinking about winning, just fighting. I was so close to death, pushing myself closer to that precipice of life and death.
Yet, I felt a strange connection. Like something was supposed to connect. Click into place, but like a missing puzzle piece, a missing link in a chain. Something was missing.
Since that day my heads been hurting like crazy, a strange lethargy hanging over me. Like chains weighing me down. I was stronger, but I only felt weaker. Like the further I climbed the more unaware of the world I truly was. A frog in a well, believing the well to be their world.
I wanted to shatter these chains holding me back, to force myself to ridge that divide. To mash in that final piece without care. But, I needed power to achieve it. I needed connections, people around me, to guide me, advise me. To keep me on the right path. I felt like I could veer off with the wrong input.
No longer was I driven by the world, but I was the one driving it forward. In a way… I feel railroaded. Stuck in a never-ending series of events. For what? I don't know, but I do know I don't like it. Having my future decided. Written for me and demanding I follow it. Like an actor with a script. A character in a book whose life and experiences are written out in detail.
Was I so one dimensional? Who else but I could know who I am. That desire compelled me forward. Sought for me to break past any and all barriers. It made me yearn. More so than for a fight, more so than the ever-present need for power. That moment where all of creation bent under my will. Unfortunately, as it was, I was nothing right now. I couldn't even fit the last piece in. Let alone steer my own ship.
But I was closing in on the future I wanted, I only needed to stay the course, I was sure. Our numbers had grown. Not in manpower, not yet. Instead, we were no longer a lone ship. A new frigate and a couple serviceable cruisers of varying grades and tiers bumped us from roaming freelancers to a small school. Pirates, much like shark's hunt in packs.
We only needed to recruit more bodies and sell off our little prize. I had handed over a copy of the data, even introduced our new science captain or doctor. Whichever worked. For a spaceship, or perhaps because it was a spaceship, we had a fairly well-equipped medical quarter. Unfortunately, the person currently in charge was hardly great, but our new doc made all the difference when it came to diagnosing and prescribing. Even if the facilities were still somewhat lacking.
A number of pirates were injured or maimed during the whole Pyramid raid. Many of them would have been written off even with the overstocked equipment, but suddenly the doc changed that. Giving us a sizeable number of survivors, some who could easily get prosthetics or cloned limbs according to the doc. I would have expected the head doctor to complain, but the old coot simply kicked back and let himself get hammered more often then not. Frustratingly, Doc had to accept that he was an astoundingly proficient surgeon at very least.
The bridge crew was understandably skittish to have an AI on board, especially one purporting herself to be a copy of the esteemed doctor. As she would say. She wanted to run me through a myriad of tests, but what we had on hand limited what she could do. Blood tests and other such stuff only brought more questions without a proper full body scan, and countless other strange machines not usually used.
Which meant our next goal was a major pirate bay. The plan was to find a ship big enough for a gravity chamber, and capable enough to accommodate the various machines the doc wanted. Which meant more travel. More moving around and training with the instructor… But… the more we fought, the more I thought his method wasn't mine. The more his willingness to work with the chains bringing him down irked me.
Still… seeing him, seeing the way he moved along those chains… It made it easier for me to learn, to learn how to break them. Watching how they bend, hearing the way they creak and groan. It was, morbidly fascinating… Watching how he simply accepted his fate, seemingly. Perhaps I was partly at fault, having brought him salvation in a sense. Or perhaps, had he truly never considered breaking from his fate?
No, considering what I knew of him. He likely accepted that weight with reverence. He sought to honor his master, a goal I couldn't deny was impressive in a way. But living my whole life for another? I didn't think I could do that.
"Can we go over this again?" The doc from her perch on the table spoke. Her little hologram walking about as we continued our sessions. I don't know what started it, but in her words, it was to tamp down on my suicidal tendencies. I wasn't one to complain about free therapy though. It also helped, allowed me to speak my mind and give me mild entertainment when in my own room.
I had taken to having drama data disks bought to amuse me, but that was only so healthy. Everyone needed someone to talk with. And having a fellow gal, as it were to talk things out with and shoot the shit was essentially a godsend.
"Right, I had just returned back from my latest mission and I was immediately sent back out on an emergency chain mission.
At some point, my Attack ball lost its spatial positioning, somehow and I found myself on a strange planet. The planet surface was fairly calm, but the caverns within led to a strange species."
"The so called Squidizens?"
"Yes… Our first meeting wasn't… pleasant. They attacked me and I eliminated them all. Save for the chief."
Which reminds me… I think it might have been the chief to lead me further into the core. Just, how did he find that place though? Did the giant squid call to him? Coincidence? Providence? Or something more sinister?
The whole adventure felt odd, foggy even. Perhaps due to me thinking it a dream.
"I proceeded then to delve deeper into the world and found myself worshipped after killing one of their local gods. A semi-giant squid. I proceeded to kill their gods and unite the people before being led to the center of the world, or close to it."
Where I reached my first real threat to my life.
"And this is where you met the Warrior Squid?"
The name I had for that larger squid with the blade… It was a tough fight.
"Yes, it was."
"And you said it dug into your mind? Correct? What did you see, hear?"
I couldn't be blunt, but…
"My mother… I thought I heard her voice."
Her face was already long gone from my mind. Only the occasional whisper hanging on. I didn't mention my last life, or what I remember of it. Or the Director. It felt more and more like I was Rettas and not the me of my old life, but time has a way of doing that.
"From my notes you said, you never met you're mother, yes?"
"...Yea. Never met her before."
At least, Rettas has never met her own mother. Despite what I say, some things I still didn't wish to talk about. And it wasn't technically a lie. Was it? I wasn't the old me anymore. I was Rettas… Wasn't I?
"And how did that make you feel?"
"Angry… Pissed that this squid would dare mimicking her, or even trying to make me think of her."
Pissed that I felt a throb, a longing for her. One I still feel today.
"And your father?" I cringed at her words. My body moving slightly against my will. Arms folding, eyes looking away. Almost immediately I could tell how guilty that motion looked, but…
"I don't know." I lied through my teeth. Even when I knew Rettas herself never saw her father. No, this time, perhaps it was a bit more personal. Mother had faded from my memory so much so that she may as well no longer exist. Father though…
I didn't want to think of him. No, he wasn't a bad man exactly, but… He was never truly the same after Mother died. And… I wish I had talked to him. At least once after… No, I wasn't going to think about it, I promised myself. What happened had happened. Nothing I could do would change that, not now, or ever. Not anymore. Not with me here.
But Rettas… was nothing like me, having never seen either of her parents, not even their names. But she had her own issues. Her own demons. Memories of her killing, slaughtering aliens. All for their approval that never came. It made my own problems seem… distant really. Especially when her memories were stunted, empty of emotion. I felt I could take a step forward and make them truly mine, but… What right did I have? How could I possibly do that?
Instead, I just let it sit. I watched those memories over and over. Thinking about this body's original owner. What she must have wished for, desired that let pushed her through that hell.
I sat in silence, just letting those feelings in me flow… All the while the Doc was writing with a pen and some paper on a clipboard. Why she chose to manualize an automatic feature, I don't know. But she made sure to let the sound of pen scratching on paper echo out. It was strangely nostalgic.
"And from there you trained, killed the giant squid in the center of the world and led the squidizens to a new feature before leaving?" She diverted, asking no extra questions. I couldn't help but be relieved. My father was a wound I'd rather never have touched.
"Yup…" My voice lacked its usual energy.
"Any idea how you managed to fix the world?"
"With the squidizens souls I sacrificed for my soul ball." Which still bothered me… Sure they listened, but they could have just crushed me, pasted me… Worse was how they still could if I was in the same situation today as back then… It only reminded me of my weakness, just how frail I really was in the grand scheme. Not just that, but… how had I connected with them? How had I so easily connected with their faith? In a way, I could feel the pirates, but it wasn't near as solid as the squidizens. Another point to something funky happening on that planet.
"And why did you leave?"
"I didn't want to be constrained or held back."
"And what of the power? The power of a god?"
"Borrowed… A gift given by the souls of the squidizens that sacrificed themselves. It was never going to be mine fully. So, why should I have wanted it?"
"Mhmm…" She scratched away with her pen.
"And where did you go next?"
"I went in a random direction… I figured wherever I landed would present an opportunity."
"And it did, didn't it?"
"I was caught by the space border patrol… Then dropped off at a planet with my ship impounded. From there I found an arena, made a name for myself and paid my debt."
"And what of the girl?"
"Girl?"
"You mentioned her before. The one you saved? The one you met at the top of tower?"
Had I mentioned her? She reminded me of someone I knew. And I hated that.
"Nothing much. I don't really care."
"Not even after awakening her?"
"Well… Maybe if she shows up to kill me again. I highly doubt she will."
"And what of the manager? Bruiser? Fera? Gran?"
Gran the Granaight, my sparring partner. Definitely rich. Maybe he had a finger on the scales, probably led me to the pirates. But I don't know if he actually has that kind of power.
Bruiser? He was a decent fight, even if I was holding back to an extent. I am curious if he's gotten stronger. If when I next meet him if he'd still be able to keep up.
The manager though? An okay guy, but really nothing more.
Fera though… she had my attention. She was hiding something I was certain of it. I had no idea if she would be strong enough for me, but… something told me she would be able to keep up. It was strange… Not that I was going to voice any of that.
"Decent people, I guess… Might be nice to find Gran and spar with him more and if possible, pick a fight with Fera." Especially since hitting Gran helped to purify and increase the density of my ki.
I heard her sigh as she scrabbled away.
"And the planet?"
"Wrecked…"
"How did that happen?"
"An accident, not mine though. I fought this crew's previous captain, and he had the slick idea to laser me with an orbital laser. Well, unfortunately for him it mimicked the moon's reflection of the sun. I transformed, threw a fit for not being able to fight him properly."
"And how did that make you feel?"
I wanted to retort with the usual nothing… That shit happens, but…
"Angry and… After I felt empty…"
That got a look from her.
"Empty?"
"Mm… Empty, alone… hollow…"
"And why was that?"
I considered lying. Putting up a front, but… I curl up on my bed. Tail curling around my legs as I wrap them with my hands. Cocooning myself.
"Guilt… That, this all wasn't some fantastic dream. That this was all real. It wasn't a game. Or anything else. That… I was making these choices myself and getting people killed."
I spoke the truth. It could loosely fit with the original's history. Having been essentially forced to commit genocide and now committing mass murder intentionally. It hit different and I was still trying to understand it… She wrote something down with a nod. Not questioning me, blaming me, nor accusing me. I didn't know how that made me feel either.
"and you left?" She continued.
"Yup… And joined this crew. Scavenged a bit, until we got the job that led us to you…"
"And what about the instructor?"
"What about him?"
"Didn't he beat you in a fight?"
"It was a fluke."
He grabbed my tail, I hadn't trained it… A fluke, a cheat.
"Well, if he was an enemy, you'd likely be dead."
I winced, but… it was possible, even if I don't think he could. No, I'd likely lose my tail regardless… No, could I do that? Would I do that? I watched my tail curl and uncurled. No, I don't think I could. Even if it would save my life.
"He could even have done less, gentlemanly things to you. Did that cross your mind?"
It did, but I wasn't going to say that out loud.
"He didn't."
"He could have though."
"Is there a point to this?"
"Would you want him to, do those things to you? Do you regret him turning you down?"
Did I really tell her all of that?
"No, I don't regret, and I don't wish he did anything to me…" A hint of something passed my lips into my voice as I spoke.
"What kind of man, or woman would you see yourself being with?"
"Somebody that can kick my ass."
She snorted at that.
"What?"
"Well, your instructor kicked your ass, didn't he?"
"…" I glared at her.
"Sorry, sorry…" She chuckles.
"Would you see him as a father figure? Seeing as how you've never seen your own father?"
I didn't respond, not immediately. The words stuck in my throat. In a way I did… But… vocalizing it felt, different. Like if I spoke it, it might change something… I didn't want to talk, I wanted to shut her down, but Rettas wasn't a coward… Unfortunately.
"I suppose I do…" I trailed off, feeling my cheeks burning. And also, somewhat afraid. In a way, he was like my father before mother died. Especially when he calmed down. Firm, solid. His eyes ever forward. Unbreaking. His presence was calming and assuring in a way. A bastion, a warm hearth. A burning fire in the middle of winter. My light in the dark.
"Then why haven't you called him father? Or master? Why instructor?"
I tapped my leg…
"Because…" And I hated to admit it.
"I'm afraid…"
"Of?"
"Of losing him. Losing the feeling he gives me. I'd rather keep it close to my heart, unvocalized sealed and shut far away. A small fire held close to my chest only for me." Afraid he would lose that spark if I spoke the truth. That the bastion I relied on would distance itself from me. Afraid that if I truly voiced these thoughts, I would act upon them. Doing anything to keep his regard. Letting myself be chained.
The docs figure softened, something in her look frustrating me.
"What? Is there a problem with that doc?"
"No, nothing. Don't worry I'll make sure to keep our secret safe."
"Good, or I'll have to vaporize you."
"Threats won't get you far Rettas." I grumble, but don't say much else. I still needed her.
"And what about the rest of the crew? The navigator? Helmsman? Armorer? Any special feelings for them?"
"Not really, they do their job I do mine."
"And if they got into trouble?"
"I'd help, if it wasn't too troublesome."
"And if it was?"
I had to think about that…
"Ditch'em most likely."
"Truly?"
"Yup. Drop'em like a bad habit."
She snorted a little, muttering something under her breath as she wrote.
"And what about the instructor?"
I froze… Where did I even begin thinking about that?
"Forget I said anything." I gave her a strange look.
"Are you sure?"
"I just wanted to see how you'd react. If anything, I wanted you to consider it, not make a decision."
I mulled over that a little.
"Fine…"
"Good…"
More writing.
"We about done doc?"
"Almost, but first I want to do a basic checkup."
"A checkup?"
"Yes, how are you feeling? Head still hurting? How is your energy or as you call it ki?"
"Fine, I guess. My head still hurts and my ki feels sluggish, but I definitely feel stronger. It just feels like a weight is on my shoulders I can't get rid of."
"And what of your… as you call it the Evil ki?"
I consider that… telling her took some trust on my part, but I highly doubt she could do anything with it. A part of me did consider that she would understand what it was and hate me for it. Only to scoff when I thought of the acts she committed or had a hand in committing. With a flick of my finger, like flicking a lighter the evil ki lights on my fingertip. The light suddenly sucks into it.
"Not much changed since I last checked."
It felt cold, and somehow, inviting?
"Do you know what would happen if you were to cycle that ki through your body?"
"No idea, just a hunch."
"And that hunch is?"
"I'd likely lose access to normal ki, at least until my evil ki sets in. I could probably disperse it with my normal ki, but it would take time. I am tempted to try it, but… I'd lose my current power and I don't know how long it would take for my evil qi to catch up. It could take months or weeks… Worse is I don't know if I can properly purge it once I start the process of acclimating."
I also felt like it would change me fundamentally. I just wasn't sure if I was ready for that yet. Not so soon.
She nods. "I'd like to run more and better tests, but our facilities on the ship are limited as it is."
I already knew this.
"Stomach fine? No more… issues?"
I blanched a little remembering that… Probably the worst case of explosive diarrhea I ever had, this life and the last.
"No… But just remembering it makes my stomach hurt."
"Still can't believe you ate a nano-mutated creature."
"Saiyan's eat weird shit all the time."
"Still… what you didn't shouldn't be possible and I worry it may have caused you problems."
"Doubtful. I ate a weird eldritch giant squid. I should be fine."
"Should be is not a guarantee. First thing we do when we get a proper medbay is getting you checked out thoroughly."
I agreed easily enough as she continued writing stuff down. Some time passed before I ventured a question of my own.
"What was the threat you were preparing for anyway? Never bothered to ask and I'm conveniently bored now."
She sighed. "No idea, unfortunately."
"Really? The governments and you all agreed to that massive waste of taxpayer money on a rumor?"
"It wasn't a rumor, it was a prophecy spoken by the seer!"
"And who the hell is the seer?"
"He's a part of the galactic council from what I heard. He or she, I don't actually know, gave a prophecy that our universe would face a grave threat in the future."
"How far?" She shrugged.
"Could have been a decade, or even centuries."
"And you just believed him? What if he was just crying wolf?"
"Crying wolf?"
"Old story, a young shepherd pranked people by crying wolf. Did this often enough nobody listened when an actual wolf showed up. Stories variate from there on his fate. Either he got eaten, lost the sheep in the flock and kicked out of the village, or finally managed to save them and found himself reprimanded heavily."
She nods.
"Fascinating story."
"Not really."
"I took you more for a brute, but sometimes you do say intellectual things."
"Calling me an idiot?" I just didn't like thinking hard. Like, those old children's toys with the shapes. I didn't want to fit them in properly. Rather, I much preferred to see if I could jam the square into the other holes. Doesn't make me an idiot. Just… uhm… simple. Yes. Simple. I liked to keep things simple.
"No, I just think you should use your head more."
"I do… I hit people with it. Sometimes."
She sighs, likely physically pained by my witty retort.
"But really, if might solves the issue why use words?" I threw her a bone.
"Sometimes might won't solve your issues."
"And when that time comes, I have a plethora of knowledge to pull from."
"If you don't use your head in fights too much that you forget." That got a laugh from me.
"But anyway, no, the prophet would never cry wolf as you say. I don't know the specifics, but there is a reason his words are considered fact."
I thought about that and figured it didn't bother me anyway. Threat or no threat it doesn't change my need for more power.
"Now… From the top, again."
I sighed. It felt like I was being interrogated, but… it did help me get my head screwed back on straight. Remembering what happened, the path I've walked already. Taking a moment to look back could be critical to my future. A moment to reorient myself, reflect… After all, it is said by a certain person, those that forget the past, are doomed to repeat it.
And I, Rettas will only ever walk forward. Never back.
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