Capítulo 198: 38. Barbie Girl.
The bed was just as soft as it had always been, but it didn't matter to me. I couldn't feel anything, and strangely, it felt good. As long as I didn't have to experience any pain, I would be safe. I had been dealing with physical pain for the past eight days, but I hadn't mentioned it to anyone. No one from the pack wanted anything to do with me, and I couldn't blame them.
After all, I had taken away their little toy, and now they would have to do the work themselves in order to form bonds with each other. However, I doubted that they would do it quickly, as they tended to be lazy. Besides, they would first have to overcome the pain and accept the truth that I had spoken. I hadn't lied, and although it may be unpleasant, someone might argue that the truth sets us free.
But does it really? What I've noticed is that the truth mostly just hurts, and it hurts so damn bad. And this time, it wasn't me who got hurt when the truth came out. God knows how many times I've been in that state in the past. It will take time for the pack to realize what the truth is and how to move forward, or even how to survive.
From what I've seen, Mariella hasn't gotten any better at being the alpha female, so if they want to reproduce, it's going to be quite a show. She really doesn't have control over herself or her powers. But that's not my concern anymore. I could feel how Damon ripped the bonds apart and essentially cast me out of the pack, once again.
It's just another reminder for me that being in a pack is a very uncertain thing. I have no expectations for the future, and I'm just trying to hold on. I was putting up a facade, not showing any signs of pain, even though it felt like my intestines were being twisted into knots. I was sweating, but I stayed still. My paranoia told me that several cameras were watching me, and maybe Damon wanted to see me suffering in bed, maybe something was poisoned, and these were just symptoms of that. I keep my expression as neutral as possible, and it's a good thing that I can't feel any emotions in my mind. The pain is already unbearable, and if I were in my normal state, I would want someone to hold me, to comfort me. But not now.
I lay on my back, keeping my expression, my face like that of a doll. I felt thin, like a life-sized Barbie doll ready to be used. There was no personality in me. I had memories, but no associated feelings. I had no fears, no hope. I felt more and more like a robot each day. Pain seemed to wash away my emotions, even the unpleasant ones like self-hate, desperation, and depression.
Sure, there was darkness in my mind, but as my neural activity decreased, my ability to feel diminished. I felt less and less, numbness, a blissful state of not feeling was on more and more. Those episodes of feeling actual feelings became sporadic and less frequent. I felt somatic pain, and at some point, my camouflage power slipped, revealing my true state. However, by that time, the staff hadn't paid enough attention to notice my altered state, and they stuck with whatever Damon had told them. They saw me as a crazy monster, but I didn't feel anything.
I would drink blood pouches if I felt like it would benefit me, but as I clinically assessed my state, I realized I didn't need blood as often as I thought. I started to think about what I knew about my physiology and the state I was in. I also mapped out my road to recovery and what I would need to do.
First, my weight. It had plummeted because I wasn't an energy creature or around others who could transfer energy to me, meaning I had to rely solely on food for calories. However, I had missed opportunities to eat because I wasn't awake when they brought food. They offered three meals a day, but I was lucky if I could have one. My basal caloric expenditure was about 20 times higher than that of humans, approximately 40,000 calories per day. It wasn't possible to get all those calories from just one meal, hence my low weight.
So, addressing my weight would be a priority. However, considering my body had been in a low-calorie state for several weeks, maybe even months, it wouldn't be able to handle a sudden increase in calories. I would have to gradually increase my intake while ensuring I kept eating. Additionally, I would need to consider the state of my internal organs.
It was not beneficial for me to lose weight, and whatever I was going through seemed to have some somatic issues. I needed to understand the cause of this pain and why I was feeling this way. The first step would be to ensure that I had a functioning digestive system. Once that was in order, I could focus on my eating habits. Fortunately, my lack of emotions meant that I wouldn't negatively affect my system with my willpower. I wouldn't mess up my physiology or experience any ill-will towards Salvatores or the pack.
So, I had a plan: make sure my digestive system was working properly and then gradually increase my calorie intake. I estimated starting at around five thousand calories per day and increasing it weekly, possibly by a thousand calories. If it seemed like my body could handle more, I would double the increase to two thousand calories. I also needed to consider what lab tests I would need. Now, every medical was not that scary. There were no feelings attached to that, so it was not that big a deal to think of blood tests, maybe a few scans even. Checking my enzymes was crucial since without them, my shape-changing ability would be affected.
Thankfully, those little bugs, like scorpions and spiders, still worked, so that was a relief. But where to get them? Going to fight clubs seemed silly, as I was not angry and I had not felt my rage at all. However, I wondered if there was an enzyme reserve for me in case I ever lacked them. I had no idea, but I could find out. Meaning I would have ways to get some more enzymes in me. Another problem was solved.
The next challenge was to ensure that nobody in my organization saw me as crazy. I would have to show them that occasional tantrums were okay and, besides, I had accomplished some innovative things during this time. I had no clue what was happening or how long I would be stuck here, but I was determined to make plans for my future, day by day.
Without emotions clouding my judgment, I approached everything with a clinical and analytical mind. I was efficient and didn't feel like a hollow shell. I was just fine, meticulously planning my next steps. It was just a question of getting my plans ready when I would be free to move on with my life. Who needed feelings when everything was so simple without them?
After ensuring that my enzymes and feeding routine were in place, I made sure to drink only three liters of the mildest blood I could find, not the strongest. Why? The explanation is simple: in case I needed a boost for my vampire side; I wanted to have stronger blood available so that I could become stronger without risking dangerous situations by drinking the strongest blood possible. I wanted to ensure my safety. I was not going to trigger another episode, whatever this was, as it had led me here. I was the leader of my organization and I had no wish to live my life in a glass cube like a goldfish in its bowl. And if the pack didn't want me to live in their houses, well, I had my own places, so many of them and I could buy more.
I had already decided to go to Europe to make sure everything was fine on those bases. Once I was satisfied with the state of my resistance organization, I planned to work in a hospital. I hadn't worked much in Europe before, so there were plenty of opportunities for me to showcase my skills and improve. Of course, I would be responsible for my safety and nutrition, making sure not to overdo it. I had sugar implants and other measures in place to ensure that. I would be the epitome of efficiency and clinical state, but still a skilled surgeon capable of dealing hardest cases, with no feelings hindering her.
The pain persisted, but I tried to ignore it. Time seemed to blur as the lights were almost always on. I didn't pay much attention until it started again.
The world suddenly seemed incredibly bleak, and I lost all hope. I felt something, a desperate feeling that shook me to my core, causing me to curl up in bed, hoping to escape the pain. But at the same time, I knew what I had said and done, and it haunted me. I was a monster. The pain continued to gnaw at me, and my carefully crafted plans for the future became hazy as I tried to hold on and numb myself. The pain became more intense as my brain started to feel something, and the physical pain prevented it from stopping anytime soon.
I knew I was a terrible creature, the worst in the universe, destined to walk this earth alone, constantly reminded of the harm I had caused. Some of my statements had been true, but at that moment, not all of them. Most of what I had said was just nonsense that I had come up with in the heat of the moment, causing them pain. I could see the utter pain in Wulfe's face, and I could still feel Damon's desperation to save our bond, our hive, our love, and I had just destroyed it. The thought replayed in my mind over and over again.
The start of my recovery was incredibly grueling, although I didn't realize it at the time. This was my turning point. From here on, it would be one hell of the long hard time to dig myself back to normal. I had gone through a lot, and now I needed a significant amount of time for my brain to heal and relearn how to feel, process neurotransmitters, and awaken important parts that were still dormant.
The initial phase of this recovery was going to be difficult, as I would have to experience whatever came to mind. I knew that my willpower and past experiences would tempt my mind to avoid feeling, but the universe had a plan for me. Fulfilling my destiny, whatever it may be, required me to experience every emotion without mercy.
This was the most dangerous time for anyone in my situation - when all feelings were lost and the bliss of numb existence shattered, forcing the return of reality and the need to feel again. It was during this time that many chose to end their existence, unable to bear the desperation, depression, and pain. I understood their struggle.
Colin had helped so many reach a turning point, only to lose them on the road to recovery. It took immense effort and support to bring normal vampires out of this state, and it often took time. We had to keep them in touch with their emotions, using any means possible, with physical sensations being the most effective - pleasure, for example.
Over the years, Salvatores, Colin, and a few others had worked tirelessly to find more efficient treatments for this syndrome, as it had been weaponized by evil Sarks, who could induce it in normal vampires. This was one of the reasons why we all felt compelled to help those who suffered from it.
Thankfully, someone was there to catch me when I was released, and I shudder to think what might have happened if they hadn't been. But in my life, there's no point in playing the "what if" game. I must continue moving forward, ready to face the next set of challenges that lie ahead.
Estado de energía semanal
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