Capítulo 231: Ghosts
Ranko closed her eyes, sighing softly and leaning her head back against Akane's chest. It felt so good to have her fiancee's arms around her, especially when things were scary. The circle they made around her waist felt like a suit of armor, offering protection from anything the world dared throw at her.
Over the last few days since making the decision to confront her biological mother, it had been a constant struggle for Ranko not to return to some of the self-destructive behaviors she'd engaged in before her father had come to try to upend her life. Before she and her true mother had sent him packing, hopefully for good. But Akane would not allow it.
Since they'd had the conversation and made up their minds to face the Nodoka problem head-on, Ranko's fiancee had barely let her be alone for a minute. The days of their school break had largely been filled with cuddles, daydreams about the wedding, and as many dates and activities out of the house as they could afford. Anything Akane could think of to engage her mind and prevent her from spiraling in despair while waiting for the other shoe to drop, she had done. Ranko's gratitude to her knew no bounds, and her love for the black-haired girl who held her around the waist somehow seemed to grow by the second.
"As adorable as you girls are, would you mind?" Hana tapped her foot behind the pair, holding a large pizza on an aluminum pan over her head and motioning to the blue saloon doors beyond leading from the kitchen into the barroom proper.
Blushing, Ranko nodded as Akane released her black-corseted waist. "Sorry, mom."
Hana shook her head with a warm smile. "Oh, by all means, snuggle, just get out of the damn way when you do it!"
"You heard the boss, Ranko," Akane said over Ranko's shoulder with a bright giggle as she re-engaged her in the narrow space where the stairs up to the second floor apartment began. "Just following directions."
Ranko swiveled in her lover's arms, throwing her own arms around Akane's neck. "Akane, I…" She sighed quietly. "You're my everything. You know that? I don't deserve you."
"Hey," Akane said, cupping Ranko's cheek in her hand. "We don't talk like that. I love you too, but you're everything I need, sweetheart." The anticipatory din coming from the bar room continued growing. "It sounds like some other people need you, too." She took her fiancee's hand, leading her through the swinging blue door to present her to her ever-ravenous fandom.
~~~
"I know you think I'm a freak, and I guess that's how I'll stay. Put yourself out of my misery and go away!"
Akane clapped along with the rest of the audience from the VIP table, much though she would prefer never to hear that song again. It broke her heart far more than Sneak ever had. She fidgeted in her seat in discomfort as the band began disentangling themselves from their instruments, looking up when she heard the chair to her left scrape on the floor as it was pulled out from under the table.
"Mind if I join ya?"
Akane nodded, gesturing an offer with her hand and a smile. "Hey! This is apparently the designated band girlfriend table, so you belong here just as much as I do, Ukyo."
The brunette slid into the chair, crossing her legs at the knees in her black jeans. "Gotta say, band girlfriend is never how I pictured myself."
"Me neither," Akane said, smiling up at Ranko as the songstress adjusted her headset. "But it doesn't suck."
Ukyo sipped at her drink, waving to Crash as he unstrapped his guitar from around his shoulder. "Is she gonna do the new one she's been working on? Crash told me a little about it."
Akane shrugged. "I think so. She's acting kinda weird, and I wouldn't put it past her to throw me a curveball up there again." She still hadn't gotten over being gobsmacked by the additional verse of Sneak that had been born the night of the Phoenix Rising album release.
Of course, she knew the real reason Ranko was upset - less than an hour ago, Nabiki had called with revelation that Nodoka Saotome now knew where to find them. The object of Ranko's dread would be there any day now. She'd asked for the fight, but Akane wasn't entirely sure Ranko was ready for it now that the die was cast. There was no turning back now.
The brunette chef nodded. "You know who you're talking about, right? When has she ever not been weird? But, she's got a lot going on right now. I'm not surprised that her head's a little bit of a mess." She saluted Akane with a tip of her beer bottle. "I gotta hand it to you, Akane. I was skeptical when she told me she was with you, but you really have been there for her lately. You've been everything she said you were. You've impressed me, and that's not easy."
Ranko gave Crash a nudge toward the steps as the audience's applause began to die down. "Go on, you," she said with a weak smile. "Go see your girl. I gotta do this next one alone." As the four musicians began descending the steps off of the stage, Ranko pulled a wooden stool to center stage. Before sitting on it, she walked behind Ken's drum set, retrieving her phoenix-styled guitar.
The singer looked over in the direction of the VIP table, rubbing the back of her left hand in a circle with her right palm with a smile that looked as if she didn't mean it but really wanted to.
"Hey everybody," she said into her headset microphone as she carefully mounted the stool so as not to give the front row more of a show than she intended under the maroon skirt she'd borrowed from her fiancee. "So, I know you're looking for a party, and I promise, after this I'm gonna throw some good stuff your way. But… you guys mind listening to something I've been thinkin' about a lot lately first?"
The crowd, despite the bar being only about two-thirds full, came to life with curiosity at the new song that was seemingly about to begin as Ranko strapped her guitar over her neck. The singer closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to center her emotions, largely sitting still and eschewing any grand gestures as she plucked a slow, simple melody on the six strings running through the heart of the wooden phoenix in her lap.
Crash wrapped Ukyo in his arms as she stood to meet him, picking her up in a hug with a playful growl. As he sat at the VIP table alongside Ukyo, Ranko looked out at the crowd, still testing out the tuning of her guitar. Akane bit her lip, looking up at her lover supportively. She knew exactly what was coming, and how hard it was for her soon-to-be wife to bare her sadness and worry in front of her fans who she would always rather entertain with a rousing run of Demon in Your Radio or Sneak. In a rare move, Ranko had let her see the lyrics to her new song before its first performance, and Akane had even been present when she'd worked on some of the music on her guitar.
She was hiding it better than she had in the run-up to the confrontation with her father, but Ranko had been a wreck at the looming prospect of facing Nodoka. Akane was proud of her for putting Fred's advice to work again, expressing her fears and frustrations through song rather than lashing out at the world, and at herself, as she had done in dread of the first of her twin duels with her past.
What I'd give if I could take it from you, baby, Akane thought grimly. If I could take her somewhere, alone, and tell her everything, knowing you'd be safe, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know that's not what you want, but, gods, I'm so ready to see you start running toward our future instead of running from your past. If anyone deserves it, Ranko, you do.
Satisfied with the tuning of her instrument, Ranko began to pick at the strings of her guitar, settling the crowd back down as a mournful tune flooded from the heart of the wooden bird of flame in the songstress' lap.
"I don't want this hurt I'm feeling. I don't want all this regret. They say forgiveness leads to healing, but all I want is to forget. They say nightmares make you stronger, if they're fought and if they're faced, but I can't fight them any longer. Why can't they just be erased?"
Ukyo leaned back into Crash's chest, and the guitarist wrapped his arms around her. "The poor thing. She's really messed up, isn't she?"
Crash nodded, his chin resting atop her head with one loop of the white ribbon holding back her ponytail coming to rest on either side of his face. "Yeah, sundrop. She is. But she'll be okay. She's got all of us."
"I don't want to be reminded of the life I left behind, but it's still trying to find me everywhere I go. What happens next if I don't do what it expects? What comes next, if I reject it and say no?"
Leaning on the back bar with her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail and arms folded over her leather-clad chest, Hana watched her daughter's acoustic performance intently. What happens next is, we fight, little star. Together. One more time. I'll be ready this time, I promise.
Ranko lowered her eyes. There was a shame in even thinking about a person that could try to call herself Ranko's mother while making eye contact with Hana. On her best day, Nodoka Saotome could never be half the mother to her that Hana had despite her having had no obligation whatsoever to do so.
"I'm so tired of these memories. I want to put down all this weight. What's the point of losing everything you love if you still carry what you hate? I just want the life I'm building. All I want is to be free…"
Ranko played through the last few bars of the music a second time on her guitar, giving herself a moment to steel her composure and steady her voice.
"What do I have to do before the past is finally through? Why won't these ghosts just let me be?"
Akane folded her hands in front of her face, lacing her fingers together and resting her nose on her thumbs as her elbows sat on the table. Don't let her see you cry. She'll lose it up there. Gotta be strong for her.
Ranko's strumming at the guitar became more forceful, more confident, as if there was more of a defiance than a tentativeness building in her.
"I found a way to win the game. I finally found where I belong. So, why do I feel all of this shame? Why do the things that I've done right feel so damned wrong? Why do I feel the need to hide all of the progress that I've made? I think I deserve a bit of hard-earned pride, so why am I so damned afraid? I have gone through too much pain to find a way to break these chains, to try explaining all the things I've said and done. I've worked too hard to define a life that finally is mine, and so this time, I don't think I should have to run."
Akane looked up as Ukyo rubbed her back supportively. "Hey. She's gonna be okay," the young chef said to the singer's betrothed. "You know that, right? I mean, you know her better than anybody. You know how tough she is."
Akane nodded. Yeah, I do, Ukyo, she thought to herself. But I also know how afraid and how frazzled she is. She's just so exhausted and empty.
"I'm so tired of these memories. I want to put down all this weight. What's the point of losing everything you love if you still carry what you hate? I just want the life I'm building. All I want is to be free! What do I have to do before the past is finally through? Why won't these ghosts just let me be?"
Mei looked up at Yui as her older sister braced her around the shoulders. "Yui, what's got her so afraid now? I thought she dealt with her dad already."
Yui squeezed her blue-haired sister and roommate tighter. "Whatever it is, we're not gonna let her go through it alone. Not this time."
"I've earned the right to not be daunted by my sordid history, and I'm so tired of being haunted by the girl I used to be. I long ago let go and said goodbye to everything I was before. Why won't the world just let it die? I'm not that dumb kid anymore! I've kept running from my past, but even now, it's gaining fast, and it somehow still casts its shadow on my heart. There's nothing more that I can do to bury everything I knew. Now my whole world's brand new, so where is my fresh start?"
Izumi slipped her head between her sisters and draped one arm around each of their backs. "So, we're in agreement, then?" She glanced furtively up at her youngest sister with a quiet sigh. She should be at a bridal shower, not fighting tears on stage again.
Hana nodded resolutely to her daughters. "Damn straight we are, girls. We're gonna rally around her, and gods help anyone who tries to fuck with her on our watch this time."
"I'm so tired of these memories. I want to put down all this weight. What's the point of losing everything you love if you still carry what you hate? I just want the life I'm building. All I want is to be free! What do I have to do before the past is finally through? Why won't these ghosts just let me be?!"
Ranko's hands shook on the guitar's neck, and Crash sat up slightly as a tear rolled down her cheek, carrying a little trickle of purplish eyeliner with it as it streaked downward toward the neckline of her borrowed yellow skater dress. Bring it home, girl. Just a few more seconds.
"I don't want sadness and anger, and I don't want sympathy. I just want to live life moving forward."
Ranko looked down at Akane, biting her tongue behind pursed lips as she repeated the bar of music again.
I just want to be yours, Akane, she thought wistfully. All yours, and just yours. You shouldn't have to share me with all of this bullshit. You deserve all of me, and then some, and I've got to find a way to put all this crap behind me. We're going to fight for our life together. And, somehow, we're gonna win. I swear it.
"Why won't these ghosts just let me be?!"
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