Capítulo 319: 34
Chapter 34: Forever Does Not Make Loss Forgettable, Only BearableNotes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
When the bell rings, Izuku doesn't move from his seat. He feels heavy, like it will take too much effort to move a single muscle. His eyes stare unseeing and Izuku just wants to disappear. Unfortunately, that isn't his quirk.
He can see Iida and Uraraka approach him from the corner of his eye and he can't. To make it worse, Yaoyorozu is also making her way over. Izuku closes his eyes.
"Deku-kun!" Uraraka calls cheerfully. "Did you want to walk to the station?" Izuku doesn't open his eyes, but he thinks he can hear how falsely happy she is making her voice. Sure enough, when he cracks his eyes open, an effort in and of itself, the smile on her face is strained.
"I, uh, actually…" He looks at his friends, at how he can already see their faces falling. He swallows thickly. "I want to be alone...if that's okay."
His words are quiet. No one speaks after him.
"T-that's okay!" Uraraka reassures, nodding too enthusiastically. "Maybe next time?" She glances at Iida who watches Izuku with a piercing stare. He doesn't say anything.
Izuku tries to smile. "Sure."
Uraraka returns the smile, hers just as sad, and then she turns out of the room, Iida following close behind. Izuku feels impossibly worse.
"Uh...perhaps it's isn't a good time to continue our earlier conversation?" Yaoyorozu asks, appearing a little sheepish. Izuku sighs, finally standing to gather his things. She probably saw all of that.
"It really isn't." Izuku tells her honestly. "Sorry."
Yaoyorozu hums. "No, it can wait until later." She sounds genuine, for which Izuku is grateful. "I don't intend to push you, especially since you wish to be alone, however if we could work out a time to discuss our new duty positions-"
"I don't want to be president." Izuku interrupts bluntly, swinging his backpack across his shoulder. "Give the position to Iida or take it for yourself. I don't mind."
Yaoyorozu widens her eyes. "But you had the most votes, and you-"
"Can't do it." Izuku repeats. He is so tired. "Please, Yaoyorozu."
He doesn't know what expression he's making, but after a moment Yaoyorozu sighs. "Alright." She agrees reluctantly. "I can talk to Sensei about it."
Izuku nods, starting to walk out of the classroom. "Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow." She returns, her tone light. The door closes between them.
The walk to the gate is met with no interruptions. His mind becomes occupied with the events of that morning- the media, Aizawa-sensei, and most of all, the USJ.
It's this week. He only has one full day to prepare for it. Except, Izuku doesn't think he'll ever be ready. It's suddenly so close. He's been taking measures against the League for months before he stopped, he's had it in the back of his mind since he arrived. And yet- it still seems like it ran up behind him and hit him over the head. Where has all his time gone?
He almost doesn't notice when another set of footsteps join his own. Izuku doesn't want to acknowledge it- doesn't want to deal with anything else today- but he casts a sidelong glance at his companion anyway.
It's Shinsou.
Izuku blinks, caught off guard. "Shinsou?" He asks, even though no one really needs the clarification.
Shinsou gazes at him lazily. He bobs his head. "Midoriya."
They walk a few more steps, where Shinsou continues to match his pace, before Izuku can find his voice again. "Oh, um, did you need something?"
The other boy shrugs, hands tucked loosely into his pockets. "Not really. I just wanted to talk."
While Izuku knows that now is not a good time, he also knows that this is Shinsou. Who never reaches out to anyone first. Who never "just wants to talk". As tired and worn out as Izuku feels, he can make time for this.
"Of course. Uh, what's up?"
Shinsou stares at him. He's got his signature frown on his face, which makes Izuku nervous, and then he sighs. He looks as exhausted as Izuku feels.
"What did that girl want at lunch today?" He asks, his eyes flicking back to watch the path in front of him.
Izuku shrugs. "Oh, uh, nothing really. Just something about the exercises we had yesterday. She, uh, had a question." He hopes Shinsou won't ask any more about it, and thankfully, the other teen only hums, apparently satisfied.
They continue to walk, neither of them saying a word. Izuku is both tense and oddly relieved. He isn't sure what Shinsou wants, but it's...not bad to have someone here with him. Which makes him feel terrible because it was him who sent Iida and Uraraka away.
"Midoriya…" Shinsou finally speaks, his voice low. "Are you okay?"
Izuku's eyes widen. He stops abruptly, Shinsou following suit, and they hold each other's gaze.
"Am I…okay?" Izuku repeats the question, turning it over on his tongue. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
Shinsou shrugs, eyes scanning him up and down. "You don't seem okay." He states, like he just told Izuku that he doesn't seem like a cat person.
Izuku struggles for a response, wondering why this is even happening. "Well, I mean, I guess I've had a lot of things on my mind lately…" He shakes his head. "But I'm...uh, dealing with it."
The other teen doesn't seem convinced in the slightest. He raises an unimpressed eyebrow and Izuku has to push down the overwhelming feeling that he's a kid caught in a lie.
"We can talk about it." Shinsou suggests casually, like he could care less. "If you want."
The wind blows. Someone in a hurry rushes past. Izuku stares at Shinsou and tries to decide if he should say anything at all.
"I, uh, it's pretty complicated." He says lamely. Shinsou rolls his eyes.
" Algebra is complicated. C'mon, I can at least hear you out."
Izuku bites his lip. Once again his mind weighs what he can and can't say to Shinsou. He hates it.
"Okay," Izuku breathes out. There's got to be a good way to go about this. "Let's say, hypothetically...that you had a twin."
Shinsou blinks. "A twin?"
"Yeah, uh, actually…" Izuku scrubs at his face where his cheeks have started to heat up. "Maybe not a twin...god this was so much easier with my therapist…" He grumbles.
Shinsou just watches him.
"Okay," Izuku tries again. "Pretend that a quirk of some sort created a clone of you. This clone is identical to you in every way and retains all your memories. Are you following?"
"Sort of."
Izuku winces, but presses on. "So let's say something happens to this clone, maybe you don't see it for a while, and then when you do, you find out it's dead."
Shinsou tilts his head, his brow furrowed. "Dead?" He parrots.
"Dead." Izuku agrees, licking his dry lips. "But It's not just dead, it, uh, it, uh,...it k-killed it-"
"It killed itself?" Shinsou finishes for him.
Izuku nods, swallowing. "Yeah."
They stand in silence for a moment, Izuku waiting patiently. Shinsou looks at him, confusion still painting his face.
"Is there a question here, or…?"
Izuku groans, hands clawing at his hair and face. "If you found out your clone killed itself, well...wouldn't you be upset? It has your memories! Your life! I mean...how would you feel?"
Shinsou smiles slyly. "Like it was one lucky bastard."
Izuku punches him, making Shinsou yelp in pain. The taller teen scowls at him.
"What was that for?!"
Izuku glares. "I'm being serious."
Shinsou rubs at his arm and huffs, looking away. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. But what's this about anyway?"
It's hard to look at Shinsou, so Izuku doesn't. He fixes his gaze on a speck on the sidewalk that sparkles when the light hits it just right. Should he give an answer? What is he even trying to achieve by talking to Shinsou about this?
"Midoriya?" Shinsou prompts.
Izuku sighs. "I just…" He crosses his arms and holds them there. "I just want to know why someone would do that." And unfortunately, his voice cracks on the last word, a tear trailing down his cheek.
He sniffles, reigning in his emotions and tries to erase the evidence with a wipe of his sleeve. Judging by Shinsou's face, he doesn't quite manage it.
"Were you...close?" He asks awkwardly, his hand making a random twirling motion.
Izuku gazes at him questioningly.
Shinsou sighs. "The person who...did it...were you two close?"
Something between a laugh and a hiccup bubbles up from his throat. Izuku smiles wirily at the irony of it all.
"Yeah," He confirms. "We were as close as any two people can be."
Shinsou nods as if he expected the answer. "Uh, I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Izuku assures quickly. The speck sparkles innocently on the concrete. "It's just...something I have to get used to." He finishes, his voice lowering to that of a whisper.
The other teen frowns. "Midoriya,...I get it if you need space, but uh, if you want to talk about it…" He rubs the back of his neck. "Not just me. I'm sure there are a lot of people who want you to feel better. You don't have to shoulder everything alone."
It's a nice sentiment. One that he can't indulge in, but still, he appreciates Shinsou's effort. "Yeah. Thank you."
Two hands clamp down on both of his shoulders. Izuku looks up.
"Midoriya," Shinsou stares back at him intently. "I'm serious."
They get locked in a silent staring contest. Izuku gulps, not looking away. His lips move before he can stop them. "Uh...okay."
The other holds him for a few more moments before he drops his arms and his gaze. "What were they like?" Shinsou asks. And Izuku is almost surprised that Shinsou is talking this much, especially to him.
"They uh... he was…" And Izuku draws a blank on how he's supposed to describe himself. He bites his lip. "He, uh, wanted to be a hero."
Shinsou snorts. "How original."
Izuku spares a smile as well.
Maybe it's Shinsou's separation from the issue. Maybe it's the fact that Izuku is finally talking about it, instead of letting it fester and eat away at his mind. But whatever it is- something gives.
"I just...I didn't expect it, you know? I thought we were...similar, I guess, and to think that someone in my position would just…" Izuku huffs. "And I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I just...it's my fault. If I had only, I don't know- been happier? Smarter? Then it wouldn't have-"
"Hey," Shinsou interrupts, shaking his head. "He isn't you. No matter how similar. You're you. And he's him. No one can make a choice for someone. It sucks, and it hurts, but that was his decision. Don't blame yourself."
Izuku looks away. It's not like Shinsou's wrong. Clearly, they are two separate entities. They don't share a body. And they don't share the same memories. But, they are still the same person.
"He, um,...didn't have a lot of people that cared about him." Izuku says softly. "But if he had only held on for a little bit more…"
Images of UA and all the friends there cloud his vision. It isn't until he blinks them away that he realizes he's also blinking away tears.
"Sorry," He wipes at his eyes. "I really appreciate you listening to me."
Shinsou shakes his head. "It's no problem. It's obvious you're going through a lot."
Izuku pulls himself together, his mind just slightly less foggy than before, although he still feels tired. "You too Shinsou. If you need someone to talk to- about anything- I'm here."
"Yeah th-"
"What the fuck are you two idiots doing, blocking the sidewalk?" A haughty voice interrupts. Izuku turns at Kacchan's easily identifiable tone and stares at the blonde.
"Kacchan!" He greets in surprise at the same time Shinsou assesses the newcomer with an unimpressed gaze.
Kacchan briefly glances at Shinsou, dismisses him, and then pins Izuku with a glare. His eyes scan Izuku's face and he sneers. "Have you been crying Deku?" His eyes flick to Shinsou.
Shinsou frowns. He opens his mouth, but Izuku cuts in. "Uh, yeah I have. I've been having...a pretty rough day, I guess. But...I'm fine."
Kacchan holds his gaze like he's trying to find something in Izuku's eyes. The moment is strangely serious. Then, the blonde huffs. "If it's nothing, stop crying over it you damn baby."
"Oh god," Shinsou drawls, "Who invited this asshole?" His face is still aloof, but there is now a spark of anger in his eyes. Izuku mentally holds his breath.
Kacchan turns towards Shinsou. "Hah?"
The other teen crosses his arms. "Someone has a rough day and you call them a baby? What, do you kick kittens for a pastime? Why don't you ask him why he had a bad day? Or I don't know, be a decent human being?"
Izuku's eyes widen. Kacchan also looks shocked, although his face is quickly morphing into one of anger. Izuku jumps between them before anything can happen.
"What the fuck did you just say?!"
"Kacchan," Izuku tries, pushing him back, "Calm down." And of course, that doesn't work.
While Kacchan screams over him, Izuku turns to Shinsou. "You really shouldn't provoke him like that. It's just the way he is."
Shinsou rolls his eyes as he watches Kacchan rage. "Yeah well, you shouldn't have to deal with that. You're mourning a loss . He doesn't need to be such a dick about it."
Before Izuku can think of a reply, Kacchan's tirade abruptly cuts off. His head snaps to Izuku.
" What?"
It's another one of those moments where Izuku knows he's messed up. And then has to watch it all unravel before him.
"Yeah," Shinsou answers for him, still mad. "Someone close to him committed suicide, you can be a bit more sensitive."
Kacchan locks eyes with Izuku and there's a million questions there. Which is- god why is this happening right now?
"What?" Kacchan repeats.
Izuku speaks before Shinsou can make things worse. "Kacchan, uh, can we talk later?" He shifts uneasily. He just really wants to go home.
Unfortunately the blonde only narrows his eyes. "No, we're talking now. What the fuck is this eye-bagged freak saying? Did you tell him about what happened?" His voice is low in a warning.
Izuku waves his hands frantically. "No, I-"
"Oh, so you did know. Wow, what a great friend." Shinsou snaps sarcastically, his voice sharp.
Kacchan whips to face Shinsou and bares his teeth. "Why are you still here? I'm talking to Deku, so scram."
Shinsou bristles. "Really? Sounds more like your just being a bull-"
A loud explosion fills the air with smoke and Shinsou coughs, backing out of it, only slightly singed at the tips of his hair. He seems awfully satisfied for someone who doesn't know how physical Kacchan can get.
Izuku watches the blonde warily as he huffs, sparks popping between his fingers. At least he didn't hit Shinsou with an actual explosion. Otherwise he could get in a lot more trouble.
"Shinsou. Kacchan. There's no need to fight. It's just a misunderstanding." He sighs, running a hand through his hair. God, he's so tired.
Shinsou snorts. "I think it's a little hard to misunderstand someone attacking me."
Izuku winces. He glances at Kacchan anxiously. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that." He sighs again. "Uh, look, Shinsou...I uh, have to talk with him for now. So thank you for everything and I'll see you at school tomorrow."
Shinsou stalls. He seems reluctant to leave. "...Are you sure?" He asks after a hesitant glance at Kacchan. "He's…" He grimaces, not finishing his sentence.
Izuku nods. "Yeah, I'm sure. It's fine. We've known each other for a while."
Shinsou looks him over one last time. "Alright." He agrees finally. "See you later then Midoriya."
"Yeah, see you later."
Izuku waits for Shinsou to walk out of sight before he addresses Kacchan, who has been unusually silent. When he stares at his childhood friend, the blonde has his eyes on his hands. Izuku moves closer.
"Who the fuck was that?" Kacchan demands, eyes snapping up to Izuku.
"Oh, uh, that was Shinsou. He's a friend. He was trying to help me out. And uh, I didn't tell him about the notes or anything." Izuku assures. "I just...needed someone to talk to, I guess."
Kacchan scowls. "Talk to, huh? From where I'm standing it looks more like you're pretty tight lipped. How many fucking secrets are you keeping from people Deku? What? Were you too afraid to tell him you wanted to off yourself? Had to say it was just a 'friend'?"
Izuku flinches. "N-no. It's...you don't get it." He shakes his head. "I thought you didn't want me talking about it anyways?"
"I don't give a fuck what you talk about Deku." Kacchan spits.
Izuku massages his temples. Because, and not for the first time, this conversation is going nowhere. Izuku would never tell anyone about the notes or the suicide in the first place, but if he did, Kacchan could get in trouble. There's what he said, but more than that- he hid the notes. That's technically obstructing an investigation. But Izuku isn't upset. In all actuality, he's incredibly grateful that he didn't come into this dimension with everyone already thinking he's dead. So even unintentionally, Kacchan did him a favor.
"Look, Kacchan." Izuku groans, forcing his thoughts away from the other Izuku. "I'm trying to go home. Did you need something?"
The blonde frowns. He shoves his hands in his pockets. It takes a minute for him to finish collecting himself before he says anything. "Did you talk to All Might?"
The question catches him off guard. Izuku blinks. "I, uh, no. Not yet."
Kacchan wrinkles his nose, his brow furrowing in anger. "What the fuck?" The blonde snaps. "Why not?"
Izuku raises his eyebrows. He knows why he needs to speak to the hero, but he has no idea why Kacchan is so invested in the outcome of their conversation. And All Might...he's a busy man. When is Izuku supposed to talk to him when he isn't in his Yagi form?
"I'm working on it." Izuku placates, frowning. He worries his lip between his teeth. "And uh,...since when did you care?"
Kacchan growls. Izuku can hear the way he grinds his teeth against each other, which must hurt. His eyes flick to Izuku and then away. "You said he was the reason." Kacchan grits out. "For…" He doesn't need to finish.
"Uh,...yeah." Izuku agrees. "He could have been. But I don't really know for sure yet." He frowns. "And it's not like it's All Might's fault or anything. He, uh, he didn't mean to upset me. It's not like he told me to-" He stops.
Kacchan looks like he just got slapped in the face.
Fuck.
"Kacchan, wait! That's not what I meant! I only meant-"
"Meant what, Deku?!" Kacchan hisses. "What the fuck did you mean then, huh?!"
Izuku opens his mouth, but Kacchan barrels over him. "You meant that it was my fault."
"It's not...Kacchan, it's not like that." Izuku pleads. "That's not what I was trying to say."
"Bullshit!" Kacchan screeches, his hands flailing and crackling with sparks. "We both know what I fucking said to you. You blame me for this, don't you?!"
He crowds Izuku's personal space, his eyes blazing. "Don't you?!"
"I…I don't." Izuku states resolutely. "I couldn't blame you even if I thought it was your fault." Which it isn't.
Kacchan moves impossible closer. His eyes narrow. "Why not?" He breathes. "Why don't you blame me? Why don't you hate me? Deku, you told me there were two notes! Two notes for the only two people that you cared about! And I was one of them!" He puffs, breath erratic. "You told me it was because of me! Because of what I did to you! Are you saying that's a lie?!"
Izuku takes a step back. "I...Kacchan I know what you said. But I...I don't hold it against you." He holds up his arms in a calming gesture. "If I died...it would never be your fault Kacchan. I could never blame you."
Kacchan lowers his head, his teeth once again clenched painfully. "Deku, I never thought…" He digs his nails into his fists. "Fuck! You wouldn't have done it if something didn't happen! You weren't someone to just give up like that! If it wasn't me, then what was it, huh?! I did it! I killed you! I'm the one who fucking told you to jump off a roof!"
After the outburst, it's too quiet. Izuku reaches up a hand, but drops it back to his side. He doesn't...he doesn't know how to answer that. Maybe...maybe he should be angry, or spiteful at Kacchan for their past. But he isn't. He can't hold onto grudges like that. There's always been a blindspot in his reasoning when it comes to Kacchan.
The fact is…Kacchan was a bully. He was mean. And he hurt Izuku on multiple occasions. He had the option to be friends with a quirkless Deku, and he chose to abandon that relationship at an early age. And it hurt. It still does.
But, Kacchan isn't that person anymore. He grew exponentially since he entered UA. He's softer somehow, and Izuku would much rather make amends than burn any bridges. That's how he's always been. And if someone is willing to change- willing to let go of a lifetime of regrets and guilt- then Izuku can do the same.
"You did." Izuku finally acknowledges, his voice gentle. "You said a lot of hurtful things to me in the past. You made it clear that you never wanted to be friends with someone like me."
Kacchan's voice hardens. "Then why-"
"But I know," Izuku continues. "That it wasn't your words that made me write those notes. Maybe they played a part...but not them alone." He sighs. "Kacchan I'm not telling you that you weren't one of the reasons, I'm telling you that it doesn't matter. I'm right here, and I'm reaching out my hand again, and I'm willing to move on."
Izuku offers his hand, holds it aloft like all his dreams of heroes and long abandoned friendships.
He watches his childhood friend stare at his outstretched hand like it's a deadly weapon. Like it could destroy him if he takes it. Kacchan's face flickers with flashes of emotion, too quick for Izuku to follow. He twists his lips in displeasure.
"Shut the fuck up Deku. You're the stupidest fucking piece of shit I know." He grumbles. Then, he grabs Izuku's hand and tugs him away, his face out of view. "Now c'mon, didn't you say you were going home? You're going to miss all the trains dumbass."
For the first time in a long time, Izuku wakes up refreshed. He doesn't remember having any dreams- which probably played a part because if he had they would have been nightmares. It's a miracle he was able to sleep at all with the threat of the USJ looming over him. It's tomorrow. He's run out of time.
So, Izuku resolves himself to do two things today. No matter the consequences.
The first is to talk to All Might. He's put it off for long enough. He needs to know what happened. And no amount of grieving or denial should keep him from finding answers.
And the second is- Izuku has to tell someone. He has to warn someone about what will happen tomorrow. They can't- regardless of how effective he was as a "vigilante"- they can't go. Because he doesn't know for sure. And he won't risk everyone's safety on the chance that he wasn't as useless as he feels.
The question is- who?
Izuku ponders it as he gets ready. He weighs the options as he walks to school and rides the metro. He turns it over again and again in the back of his mind as he meets with Eri before school. And he comes to a decision.
The solution is simple, really. Find someone who will listen to him, and believe him. Someone who has the authority to change the schedule.
But even as he comes to a decision, Izuku isn't any less nervous. He takes multiple deep breaths to calm down. He clears his mind and focuses on how he should explain himself. Izuku needs to be believed. He has to stop it.
His feet carry him down the hall and stand still outside a door. He lifts a fist and takes one last deep breath. He can do this.
But before he can knock, the door slides open.
"Midoriya-kun!" A squeaky but enthusiastic voice greets him. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
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