Capítulo 9: Trust Issues
Echo finally stopped. There it was. Clarke's room.
"You haven't seen her, have you?" Bellamy asked Echo before they entered. She shook her head. "No, I was waiting for you," she said, taking his hand. She looked at him and waited for him to signal that he was ready to enter.
He didn't know what to expect on the other side. He was nervous. But holding on to Echo calmed him somehow. She was there. To support him. That meant a lot to him. Maybe there was still hope for Echo and Clarke to reconcile and get along. That was the next thing on his wish list, after making sure Clarke was okay and that he had talked to her. He had so many things to say, and he knew he probably wouldn't get them all out.
"Just one thing. What happened in Polis was between me and her. And I want the two of you not to talk about it. If anyone talks to her about it at all, it's me. But right now, I just want her back."
Murphy and Echo nodded silently in agreement, although he could see that especially Murphy was still very upset about Clarke's actions.
"Good. Thanks"
Echo then entered the code Abby had given her. The display on the keypad turned green, signaling that access was granted. The door hissed open and the two entered, followed by Murphy. The lights in the room were dimmed. Echo was the first to reach for the light switch, gradually increasing the brightness until it was enough to properly navigate the room. The further they went into the room, the colder it got.
Clarke... She was lying peacefully in her bed with Madi snuggled up next to her. Madi's head was leaning against Clarke's, her face was smiling. The sight of the two of them was something special. And even Clark seemed to be happy. It was the right decision of Abby to let Madi be the first one at her side.
By the side of the bed were a lot of medical equipment and machines. He saw a heart monitor attached to her and two separate IVs running into her body.
"At least she had a reason..." Echo muttered softly.
"A good reason, I see," Bellamy told her. They were still holding hands.
"I'm going to the couch until she wakes up," Murphy tapped him on the shoulder, and was met with a brief nod from both of them. While Murphy limped to the other side of the room, Bellamy and Echo continued to approach.
Then he noticed movement on the bed. Madi had raised her head and her blue eyes were staring directly at him, at first in disbelief. She seemed to have noticed their arrival.
"Bellamy?" She asked, at first not believing what she saw.
"Hey," he greeted her with a warm smile.
Madi looked at him twice to make sure he and Echo were really standing in front of her before she jumped out of bed and hugged him.
"You finally came," she greeted them as she ran toward them, "I knew you would come"
"Of course we came. Abby finally let us," he said after they exchanged their brief hug. He looked at the heart monitor. Clarke's heart was beating softly. But it was beating. Steadily. She was breathing. He could see her chest moving up and down.
"How's she?" He asked her.
"She's in pain. Abby gave her some medicine. She's been sleeping ever since," Madi explained.
"And how are you?" He asked her, "You look better than the last time we met..."
"I'm fine," Madi replied quickly.
"Can… we stay?" He asked her respectfully. Bellamy was already sure that she would allow them to stay, but he wanted to be absolutely sure. This special moment between Madi and Clarke should not be disturbed them.
"Sure," Madi said with a confused smile, not wanting to believe that he actually asked that question.
He was really there. Madi knew that Clarke was still very attached to Bellamy and she knew that despite her anger, she had never intended to hurt him. Even if she was still upset about their actions. Something Madi still had trouble understanding. They had done it to save her and everyone else. Not that it mattered, because right now she wanted Clarke and Bellamy to be the good friends they had been before.
And now that they were here, Madi was a little nervous. She still remembered how Echo had fought with Clarke and hurt her in the process. But she also remembered herself attacking them, hitting Bellamy, fighting with Echo and punching Octavia in the face.
"I know by now how much you mean to each other," Bellamy said, "You really love her, don't you?"
"More than everything else" Madi said while she looked at Clarke who was still sleeping.
"She loves you the same way" He said and put his hands on her shoulder.
"I can't lose her either," Bellamy said as he looked into her eyes "Was it wrong?" He then asked her, "What we did?"
Madi looked at him silently. "It was the only way to save Clarke. And our people"
"It wasn't wrong," Echo interjected, trying to keep Bellamy from falling back into one of the many holes he had dug in his mind.
"For Clarke it sure was" Madi said
"She left me for this after all," Bellamy remarked. Just now he wasn't sure how Clarke would react to seeing him. He remembered her angry face when she slapped him. And she had slapped him with full force. This was not a symbolic slap. It came from her heart. She was hurt. And he hadn't told Madi that taking the flame never had anything to do with saving Clarke. He left her tied up so she couldn't stop him. Or Madi. He had never expected Clarke to react so harshly and drastically. Maybe six years was a lot longer than he thought.
Now he stood there, looking into her eyes, cowardly and afraid to tell Madi the truth. He was ashamed of himself. But now was not the time, as much as he still wanted to tell her the truth. For the time being, he had to continue to carry this burden around with him
Just as Madi had made things right between him and Clarke, he had to do his part and take Clarke's feelings seriously. He had to apologize. Luckilly Madi was his ally in this matter. One more reason why he hoped she would forgive him aswell when he finally told her the truth about his intention.
"Bellamy, you made the right decision..." Echo said as she put her hand on his shoulder, "If Clarke is really your friend, she'll forgive you. Just like you did her."
"She doesn't hate you" Madi said "She loves you"
"I love her too" He said
"I'm sorry," Madi said. Looking into his confused face, she added, "For attacking you. Both of you. But I was angry and desperate. And I lost control."
"Hey. It's okay. I don't blame you. You've been through a lot. Much more than you should have seen at your young age"
Damn… Now he sounded like Clarke…
Madi's tantrum hurt him. More mentally than physically. But he could understand it. And it was probably a good thing that he was there to act as a vent for her feelings. Knowing that she was remorseful reassured him, though he still worried that Madi was more conflicted about her decision than she was willing to admit.
But Echo nodded in agreement and gave her a gentle smile.
"Echo?" Madi asked then, "You wouldn't have killed her, would you? When you fought her while trying to free me?" Madi had put on a more serious face
"I... tried to get you back," Echo said, "I... don't know. I was angry at what she did to Bellamy".
"Promise me that you will never hurt her again," Madi said with a trembling voice. Her tone had changed. She sounded more confident and determined. And threatening. The images of Clarke getting hurt wouldn't leave her mind.
"I will never do this again. I swear," Echo said, even kneeling down, "I know how much she means to you."
Satisfied with her answer and her honesty, Madi hugged her to show her that she wasn't angry, but worried, "Good, because if you had killed her... Just don't do it again," Madi told her as they hugged. Luckilly, she didn't have to say it out loud for them to understand how far she would have gone.
"I Promise" Echo said
"Hey, Madi, it's okay," Bellamy said, joining them in the hug.
"We are here. To protect you. Both of you" Bellamy said to her
"I know. And I'm sorry for hurting you" Madi said with a quivering voice
"Enough Madi" Bellamy said "Come…"
He grabbed her gently and steered her back toward Clarke.
"Enough of this. We are here to move on. I need them... We need them..." Bellamy explained, "And that's all that matters now. Let's bury the past," he said with an encouraging smile, which Madi and Echo returned.
He wanted to get rid of the subject and stick strictly to his plan, to move on. To put these painful things behind him. And he hoped that Clarke and the others felt the same way. To move on and try to make things right this time. As a team, like they used to be.
But this time, he and Clarke would not be alone. Unlike in the past. This time they had Madi and Echo and their other friends. This time nothing could go wrong. And that was a must. There were no second chances now. For anyone.
As Madi slowly walked back to Clarke, Bellamy glanced at Murphy, who was watching the scene from the sofa. They gave each other a shallow smile, followed by a brief nod.
"You're really serious about this, aren't you?" Murphy asked him from across the room.
"I'm putting back together what belongs together," Bellamy replied.
"Then take me down to the damn bunker," Murphy demanded.
"As soon as Clarke wakes up and I have talked to her. Then we go to the bridge and ask Shaw about the odds. But no promises."
"Yeah sure. Tell Clarke to hurry, I didn't take as long as she did to wake up. And I got two bullets inside me"
Bellamy turned his head to the floor with an annoyed smile and walked with Echo to the two chairs on the right side of the bed.
While Bellamy and Echo sat down next to Clarke's side, Madi crawled back into bed, this time choosing the other side so Bellamy and Echo could talk to her. She didn't want to get in their way, just to be by her side. She gave Bellamy and Echo a smile after she had found a comfortable position.
In her opinion, Murphy was right. Clarke needed to wake up quickly. Madi just wanted to make sure she had done everything right and reunited Bellamy and Clarke.
Madi gently touched Clarke and began to wake her. Her skin felt warm and a little hot. She was still worried every time she saw her sleeping, afraid that she might not wake up after each time.
Then she rolled out of bed again and started working on one of the IV bottles. Keeping the drugs out of Clarke's system would help her wake up.
"Madi!" Echo hissed when she saw Madi working on Clarke's IV.
"She has to wake up. She'll be happy to see you," Madi said and continued undaunted.
"Don't worry, I watched Abby do it," Madi added. "This will make Clarke wake up faster."
Madi looked at their worried and disbelieving faces. She was worried herself and knew that this could backfire terribly and cause Clarke pain, but it was worth it. Because she would have suffered even more pain if she had lost Bellamy as a friend. She had to talk to him.
"These drugs are making her sick anyway," Madi added.
"But Abby gave them to her for a reason," Echo said.
Although Bellamy appreciated Madi's efforts to wake up Clarke, now that he was with her, he was also concerned about Madi's over-ambitious efforts. But she had to deal with the situation as well, and seeing her so close to Clarke made him wonder if Madi was really all right. He wasn't in a hurry anymore. Knowing that Clarke was okay was all he wanted. So were Madi and Murphy. In fact, all of his friends were fine. Seeing Clarke alive and safe was the most important thing to him. Once she woke up, they would have all the time they needed to talk things out.
But he shared Echo's concerns. Medicine wasn't invented to make patients comfortable, but to improve their health.
"Madi…" Bellamy said "She needs these drugs"
"Not if you want to talk to her. She needs some time to wake up before she's more talkative." Madi had already finished and crawled back into her comfortable position at Clarke's side.
"You probably spent too much time looking over Abby's shoulder?" Bellamy told her jokingly.
But it was too late. And Madi was determined anyway. He looked back at Clarke. He knew what Madi was doing was wrong, but the truth was, now the urge to see her eyes open and talk to her was growing inside of him. He wanted his friend back. His best friend and soulmate.
Bellamy felt Echo rub his shoulder and then putting her hand on his knee. She wanted to show him that she cared and that she was there for him. This was the second time she had been there for him, trying to comfort him about Clarke. Especially after the Praimfaya. Even though Echo didn't know Clarke well - and therefore had enough distance to function properly in the first days and weeks after their arrival on the Ring - she also felt sorry for Clarke for being forced to stay behind. She was grateful for Clarke's sacrifice in order to save them.
And now she looked at her. Again with mixed feelings, but this time the positive ones prevailed. Not only was Clarke an important part of Bellamy's life - he loved her, after all - but Echo also knew that Clarke was genuine and an important ally. Clarke wasn't cold-hearted, unlike herself when they first met. Nor did she push Echo away after she desperately tried to save her life and go into space with them. Neither Clarke nor Bellamy rejected her. They accepted her. Not only them. Everyone accepted her. And she was grateful for the kindness they showed towards her.
Echo leaned closer to him and together they looked at Clarke. Bellamy hesitated but then grabbed Clarke's right hand.
He felt electrified as he touched her skin. Her soft hand felt so good. He missed that feeling. Her presence felt good. And Bellamy hoped his presence would do its part. Along with Madi's, of course. In this moment he was connected and together with the two women he loved most. Loved by choice. And Madi, of course. He was beginning to love her as well. She had already grown fond of him. Seeing her cuddling with Clarke made him happy. And emotional.
His gaze wandered from Clarke's face to her chest and the wound just below it, half covered by the sheet.
Meanwhile, Madi's mind began to spin again. She remembered what she had thought when she had followed Abby into this room. She had to tell Bellamy her story. Her story. Not just to tide her over until Clarke woke up. She thought it was important for her to hear it.
"She wasn't mad at me..." Madi muttered, drawing the attention of Bellamy and Echo. She looked at them while resting her head on Clarke's shoulder and against her head.
"When I tried to kill her..." She continued muttering
"What?" Bellamy asked her after realizing what he just heard. Though surprised at first, Bellamy realized that Madi had been a Grounder before she met Clarke, and that distrust and aggression toward strangers had been part of her daily life before. And yet. Madi had a story to tell them. A story he hadn't heard yet. And that was what he wanted: To know more about Madi and Clarke's past and their life together. He and Clarke had barely had time to catch up on those things.
"When we first met. It was a few weeks after the Praimfaya. I thought she was a flamekeeper and was trying to get me. I led her to my bear trap, and after it caught her, I attacked her with a knife, but stopped immediately when I saw that she was also a Nightblood. Just like me…" Madi told them, her watery eyes sparkling in the bright light of the room.
"She stitched herself up and I took her things that night while she was asleep, knowing she couldn't defend herself. The next day she limped to the river and drew a picture of me..." Madi said looking at them, "She never got mad at me for it..." Madi continued as Bellamy, Echo and Murphy listened to her story.
"I owe her. For so much. Not because I tried to kill her. She saved me. My parents hid me from the flamekeepers. They didn't want me taken to Polis to become a novice and eventually fight in the Conclave. My mother died in my arms... I never told Clarke. Because with her, it felt like she never really left... With Clarke by my side, it felt like my life was just beginning."
Bellamy rolled his eyes. He had heard a similar version of this saying years ago. Back when he had said it to Octavia, when he had tried to apologize for his harsh words after they had had a big fight back in their drop ship days.
He smiled, but at the same time he felt some tears running down his face.
"I think she feels the same way. Probably even more, if that's even possible," he said.
"She's all I have..." Madi said with a quivering voice "I love her so much" She snuggled up to Clarke, her head still nestled against hers.
"I know. I can't bear the thought of losing her either. That's why we have to stick together," he said.
"Yes," Madi said and smiled at him.
"All those years we looked down, and there were the two of you…" Echo said.
"Right in front of us" Bellamy added
"So close and yet so far," Murphy murmured from the couch, still listening to every word they exchanged.
"I can't believe it. Especially the radio calls..." Bellamy said thoughtfully. He wondered if there would have been a way to communicate with her. With them. On the Ring they didn't believe she had survived, partly because of him, because he had mourned her before they had even set foot on the station. He realized that he hadn't even allowed the slightest glimmer of hope to cheer him up. He literally cried her to death. But even if they had believed in her survival, with the heavy interferences in the atmosphere due to the high radiation, communication wasn't exactly easy. But still. Was there a chance? Were they too sloppy and didn't try everything? That was a question for later, though Bellamy found it better not to know the answer now. It was beginning to unsettle him.
"Every day. Even when she was sick..." Madi said, "She didn't want to believe you were dead. Although even I thought at times that you might be". She looked at them for a moment with her watery eyes "Everyone died after all. That's what I believed until you came"
"We certainly believed she had died," Echo told her silently, "It was hard to remember her because..." She leaned her head against Bellamy's "It was still an open wound. The anniversaries were especially hard. Finding a balance between remembering and moving on..."
"Those days sucked," Murphy told Madi, "It sounds hard, but trying to forget made it easier... Because it hurt..." For a moment, Murphy's face twisted into a pained expression. But it had nothing to do with his injuries. The memories came back to him.
Bellamy nodded briefly. "Clarke..." He whispered, more tears streaming from his eyes. "Everything's going to be okay. You hear me?"
Madi's stomach began to churn. Loud and painful. She hadn't eaten in almost two days. And now she was beginning to regret declining Abby's offer of food. She should have at least taken it with her.
Bellamy seemed to have noticed her need as well.
"Hey, do you want something to eat?" Bellamy asked her, "We can go get something to eat. We haven't eaten in a while either," he looked over at Echo who nodded in agreement.
"Yes, but first Clarke needs to wake up. I can wait a little longer" Madi said bravely. Still, maybe Clarke was hungry too...
Bellamy nodded understandingly. He also could wait longer, too.
Then silence returned. For a moment everything was said. Bellamy and Echo enjoyed their intimate moment, cuddling and watching Clarke and Madi. But Madi also enjoyed the moment with Bellamy and Echo and was happy - also for Clarke - although she was still asleep and didn't notice anything. Minutes passed and the beautiful moment remained, before Echo was the first to notice.
Clarke's eyes twitched. Echo slowly lifted her head from Bellamy's shoulder and gently tapped his knee with her hand. Bellamy saw it too. His eyes widened as he realized she was waking up. Madi sat up as well.
Clarke slowly opened her eyes, trying to take in her surroundings. Her eyes twitched a few more times before opening completely. Her eyes first caught on Madi before they wandered around and fell on Bellamy and Echo, causing them to widen and her senses to immediately kick in. She felt her heartbeat pick up and immediately felt awake. She couldn't believe her eyes.
Bellamy could have sworn his heart stopped for a moment when that happened. He watched her and felt himself become speechless for a brief moment.
Clarke also used the moment to take a breath and try to process that this was really happening. Bellamy and Echo were both by her side.
"Hey," Bellamy was the first to speak after he had collected himself and found his voice.
Clarke took a shallow breath before responding with a hoarse "Hey." while giving him a shallow but genuine smile. He was there. She left him but he came back to her.
He couldn't wait any longer. He jumped up, fell around her neck and hugged her passionately. This hug was even more painful than Madi's because Bellamy weighed much more and was much stronger than her. But Clarke didn't care.
She couldn't respond with a real hug because her arms felt weak and she couldn't move them too much. But she mobilized her strength and put her arms on his back, trying to hold him.
"You are not mad at me?" Clarke asked him, after they unhugged
"Our commander told us not to be," He said and smiled at her and Madi.
Clarke felt him holding her hand now. She looked at Madi, who smiled at her.
"You?" Clarke asked, realizing what Madi had done for her.
"Abby let them finally in" Madi said, still smiling. Clarke smiled back at her
This time, she didn't feel as dizzy as before. And her mind was also much more focused. She remembered her mother's visit and much of the first time she woke up. This night?
Her eyes went to the clock. It was 2:59 in the morning. This was the third time she had woken up in almost four hours.
But there were still a lot of drugs remaining in her system. Her mouth felt dry. And even though she had so many things to talk about, she couldn't form her words properly. She needed a drink. Desperately.
"Water" Clarke requested "Can you please…"
"Sure." Although she looked at Bellamy, it was Echo who stood up and got her a drink.
Murphy had also raised from the sofa and walked slowly to the foot of her bed.
"Hey, Clarke," he said as Echo prepared her drink.
"Murphy?" Clarke asked incredulously "Hey". At first she couldn't believe her eyes. Murphy's eyes looked tired and he seemed to have only recently become mobile again.
"Guess we both took quite a punch" He said to her "I also got shot. Twice. Not as bad as you, but…"
"How are you?" Clarke asked him. She was glad that he was okay, too.
"I'm fine. A lot of pain, but another thing we share, I guess," he laughed curtly, Clarke smiling back at him. "Emori?" Clarke asked half worried. Even though she assumed that Emori was fine, she wanted to be sure.
"She's fine, too. But..."
"She's in the bunker right now. With Raven, Monty and Harper," Bellamy quickly explained, "we had to evacuate the valley because a huge storm is approaching the valley. It will hit in the next few hours. They are there with over 200 of us. We only took the wounded and a few others to the ship. And now Murphy wants to take a last minute flight. To see Emori."
"You should, Murphy," Clarke encouraged him, knowing how close they were, "but it means a lot to me that you are here. All of you..." Clarke said.
"Clarke..." Bellamy said, but he was interrupted when Echo brought Clarke a glass of water.
"Slowly," Echo said as she held the cup cautious to let her drink. Clarke drank quickly, as if she hadn't drunk in days, but that was probably true. The water that flowed down her dry throat felt so good. At the moment, it was probably the most delicious thing she had ever tasted. As good as water could taste.
"More?" Echo asked, and Clarke nodded.
"Thank you, Echo," she added causing Echo to smile at her curtly before turning around to get her another cup.
Madi and Bellamy shared quick gaze of relief and surprise. They appreciated Echos's gesture very much. For Madi it was an overwhelming victory. So far, things were going much better than she could have imagined. Echo and Murphy acted both nice to Clarke. Especially Echo.
"I know it's too soon, but..." Murphy said as he clung to the foot of her bed. Bellamy turned his head with a suspicious look.
"We'll talk about that later," Bellamy interrupted him immediately. He made a more serious face at Murphy. Then he looked at Clarke. She already understood what Murphy was about to say. With her head feeling much clearer now, she felt confident enough to talk about the last few days. Her mistakes, her betrayal. She wanted to. Especially to Bellamy. She was still angry about his actions and found it hard to forgive him. On the one hand, she felt terrible about what she had done to him and still could not forgive herself for letting him die. But she also had not forgiven Octavia for being the reason for the whole mess and Niylah for being willing to reveal Madi's secret to Octavia.
But even though she struggled to forgive Bellamy, that was not her biggest problem. A part of her had already forgiven him. The thing that made the other part of her struggle was that he had betrayed her trust. He could have freed her back in Polis, talked things out, made a plan with her. But he let her stay tied up to put the flame in Madi. He didn't ask her and made a plan on his own. A plan he didn't tell her. That was what hurt her. But she didn't know how to tell him how she felt. She wanted him to stay. She wanted them to stay. Not to start a fight or a discussion. But the longer they waited to talk about what had happened, the more her feelings would build up. It had to be said now.
"No, we should talk about it," Clarke explained, "It's better to get over it now."
"A lot of things have happened. I don't know where to begin," Bellamy said thoughtfully. He didn't want to have this conversation at all.
"But I know," Clarke said. She squeezed Bellamy's hand to show him that she felt strong enough to do so. She knew that if they didn't take this opportunity, it might come back to haunt them later. And even if she would still be angry with him afterwards, understanding his motives would be a first step towards rebuilding their old bond.
"I am sorry that I left you behind. It was wrong, but I was angry with you. For what you did in Polis, Bellamy... Giving the flame to Madi. You promised not to. But you did. You could have set me free. Gave me the flame. As I wanted to do years ago... I was afraid of the flame, but I was willing to take it."
She looked at Echo, who had just returned with another cup of water, trying to get her to remember her part in Roan's intervention to stop her ascension ceremony.
"But you didn't. You betrayed my trust, Bellamy. You hurt me with what you did. More than you could have done with anything else. That's why I was so angry. I was ready to leave you to whatever was waiting for you. Do you think I did it for nothing? Did you really think I would leave you for a bunch of criminals..." Clarke almost shouted at him, visibly outraged. She took a few breaths before continuing her monologue.
"I meant the slap. I don't apologize for that part. You mean so much to me, Bellamy. I would have taken your death easier than your betrayal. For a few hours, you were indeed dead to me. But when I began to regret it, I thought it was too late. I couldn't believe that Octavia was really willing to go that far." Clarke closed her eyes as tears streamed from her eyes. She sobbed but regained her voice and looked at him with her teary eyes. She still held his hand and squeezed it. "I screwed up, I'm sorry. If you had really died, I couldn't forgive myself. Even now I can't forgive myself..." She sobbed. Strangely enough, it felt good to let it all out. Even if it meant reliving every moment of it. She could feel Madi gently holding her other hand, trying to make her stop.
"Bellamy. I'm still angry and disappointed. But I don't hate you. I love you. You are my closest friend. You are my family. And I kinda forgot that in my anger," she squeezed his hand even tighter. Now it must even hurt him, but he listened attentively. His eyes were shining too. "That counts for everyone of you" She added looking to Echo and Murphy "I didn't mean it"
"I'm sorry for what I did," Bellamy interrupted her weeping voice. His own voice sounded as tremulous as hers. He wanted to stop her much earlier, but while she apologized, he couldn't get a single word out. He knew he lied to her. She had every right to be angry with him. It was still wrong to leave him behind, but she did it because she was angry. He triggered her short circuit and the flying sparks that resulted. He was responsible, because he didn't saw what he was about to cause.
"I didn't know that this was a decision between you and our people. But this was the only way to stop Octavia, or was it? You wanted to stop her as well," he said as he took her hand as well. "I didn't wanted to hurt Madi. Or you" He looked at her, now crying as well.
Echo used the silence between them to hand Clarke her second cup. Again, she held the cup carefully while Clarke took a few more sips. Neither she nor Murphy dared to interrupt this conversation. They respected his wish to stay out of it. Echo sat silently beside him, watching them with a worried expression on her face.
"What would you have done instead, Clarke?" Bellamy asked her.
"Definitely not going to war. Maybe Madi's plan was the best after all: Just killing McCreary. He was our biggest threat. Then we could have talked to Dyoza. She seems reasonable. At least as much as a person like can be" She glanced at Madi. "But I wouldn't have let you kill him. I should have done this. But I was too afraid"
"I should have done the same when you left to stop him," Madi whispered softly.
"Maybe everything we did was wrong. I thought this was over. I'm not ready to go through that again. To be in charge. I'm not the commander of death anymore." She looked at Madi with a pained expression on her face, "I lied to you at the gas station. The truth is, I didn't know what else to tell you, because this whole situation with you as commander is still upsetting me."
"Wanheda ste nou stedaunon," Echo said firmly ("Wanheda is not dead")
"Em ste" Clarke replied ("She is")
"No she isn't" Madi said to her vehemently
"She is. I'm not that person anymore" Clarke said with a calm voice.
Madi cuddled closer to her, trying to convince her. It had worked many times in the past when Clarke had been resistant. Their reunion had gone so well and now she was afraid that they would get lost in discussions about their past. She wanted to put her foot down. But she wanted to stay out of it. As hard as it was, this was Bellamy and Clarke's time to talk, not hers.
Despite Bellamy's actions, Madi knew that she was also responsible, since she had agreed to take the flame to save Clarke. She still wouldn't accept that Madi did it to save her. But before Madi could have any effect on Clarke, Bellamy spoke again.
"I talked with Raven" Bellamy looked at her "She told me what you did. How you stopped McCreary"
"Was it another one of your sacrifices, Clarke? Please tell me you didn't do this out of desperation," Bellamy asked her worriedly.
"I lost control of the situation" Clarke tried to explain herself but now Bellamy was becoming increasingly energetic. Contrary to his original intention, he was now downright eager to talk Clarke down
"Two people pointed their weapons at you. And you still thought to shoot? It's a wonder that you survived" He almost yelled at her "Or was that not even your intention?"
"Bellamy..." She said, looking back into his eyes, "when McCreary realized we had won, he said if he couldn't get the valley, no one else would. What would you have done? For my part, I wasn't afraid of Octavia's punishment either, but partly because I thought she still had a red line she would never cross."
"She didn't at the time. But she's recovering right now. At least I think there's hope for her," Bellamy said, "but it's a long process. For now she has to stay away from most people, better all of them, of course."
Octavia was another thorn in her side. Her and Niylah. She hadn't forgotten their actions, especially Niylah's betrayal of her. The question Clarke couldn't let go of was, "How could Octavia become this monster called 'Bloordreina'? But the truth was, Clarke didn't want to talk about Octavia. Not right now. She was hurt that Octavia was willing to kill her, to kill Bellamy and probably Madi as well. This wasn't the sweet girl that had once left the dropship screaming with joy.
"All I wanted was a peaceful life. With Madi I had such a life. The only thing missing was you. Sitting around the campfire telling stories until sunrise," Clarke said.
"We still can. And we will. As soon as we get settled in the Valley," Bellamy said, trying to encourage Clarke. He liked the idea very much, because that was exactly how he had envisioned his future.
"But now Madi is a commander. She'll never have the life she had before," Clarke said resignedly. Her eyes looked sad again.
"You're wrong, Clarke," Madi intervened, "I'll do it anyway. Because of you. That's why I need your help. Bellamy needs your help. He wants to help make things right. We will have the life you wanted for us. And help our people. Both at the same time."
Clarke couldn't understand why Madi was so euphoric. They looked into each other's eyes while Madi continued "You and Bellamy. You should lead our people. And I want to help you. Lexa wants to help you…"
Clarke smiled at her shallowly before making a face: "Don't play the Lexa card all the time," Clarke said gently, but at the same time admonishing.
"But she cares," Madi said, "for you. For us. For everyone."
So she was right. "Madi, please. Worse enough that you are now talking with her, everytime…" Clarke let her frustration run free without paying attention to the fact that she was speaking out loud. Noticing Madi's irritated face, she immediately apologized and planted a soft kiss on her forehead "I'm sorry, Baby. I'm just a little upset," she paused to make sure she wasn't being too hard on herself.
"It's just. I miss her so much. But you should know that. The memories still hurt sometimes. I still love her... But I love you more than her. There's no comparison between you and her. But I love you both more than you could ever imagine, so please don't try to become the same person"
Madi nodded. She knew Lexa felt the same way. But since Clarke was just signaling how uncomfortable she was, Madi refrained from telling Clarke that Lexa felt the same way. That she missed her so much. Maybe that was one of the reasons why Clarke was so upset. Because deep inside she just wanted the chance to talk to Lexa again.
"It's okay to speak about her. At times I don't know when you are speaking to me or Lexa. Or someone else…" Clarke explained the reason for her outburst. Clarke watched as Murphy walked slowly to the couch, not wanting to be a part of this discussion. He had been there when Titus shot Lexa and knew Clarke's feelings on this matter. She looked into Madi's bright blue eyes, which stared back at her almost hypnotically: "I want you. And no one else."
"Lexa is the only one who talks to me right now," Madi murmured softly into Clarke's shoulder, "the others have been silent for days... Since I shut them down."
"Perhaps, life is more than just surviving," Clarke said. She looked at Madi again, who looked back at her. Of course she remembered that sentence. She said it to her at the gas station when they parted ways. Before she went to stop McCreary and got shot.
"That's my line. I said that to Lexa in Polis," Clarke explained to Madi.
"But Clarke... It's true. You meant it when you said it to her..." Madi tried to defend herself for using that phrase.
"It is... and you were right, it's okay to use them to get me back on track, but just... remember what I said, please," Clarke stroked Madi's hair gently.
"Okay, Clarke. But you have to help us," Madi demanded, "We can't do it without you.
For a brief moment, Clarke felt the urgent need to teach Madi a lesson. To tell her not to burden herself with problems she couldn't solve. She had realized that neither Bellamy nor Madi had the slightest idea how they would solve their problems when this was over. Clarke began to get angry. They wanted her to help them. Because they couldn't help themselves with this problem of their own making. But she knew she couldn't let Madi down. Or Bellamy. She heard her mind sigh.
"Clarke. I can't bear to think that giving the flame to Madi made you feel this way. And to do that..." Bellamy said after listening to their conversation, pulling her out of her thoughts.
"It is true, Bellamy. It is also true that you and Madi are the most important people to me. Together with Mom..."
"Clarke..:"But Madi didn't care what Bellamy wanted to say. She had something to say to him now. Because it just occurred to her.
"Bellamy... If Clarke hadn't come back... Abby... her mother... would have died. She overdosed on some pills. Clarke saved her life," Madi told him.
Clarke could no longer fight her emotions. Now she lost it completely. Her mother, Lexa, Madi and Bellamy. Getting shot. It was too much. She surrendered to the tears that were now streaming down her face.
"It's okay, Clarke," Bellamy said as he and Madi comforted her with a shared hug "I am just happy that you are alive. That's the most important thing. We'll fix everything, don't worry."
"That's enough," Echo intervened, "Madi should eat something. We should all eat something. Then we can talk again. That was enough for now".
Though everyone looked at her, surprised that it was her, of all people, who wanted them pause this discussion. But she was right. It had started to become too much, Clarke needed a break. They had already talked about the most important things. No need to dig deeper.
"Yes. That's right," Bellamy agreed, "Clarke. You also need to eat something. We'll get you something."
She nodded while she took a cloth from Bellamy to wipe her tears.
Her stomach hurt. She couldn't tell if it was from the wound and its aftermath or from other things like hunger. Since she had drunk something, she actually felt quite satisfied, but being alive after surviving a bullet to the gut was probably the definition of satisfaction.
As her eyes dried, she put on a more optimistic face. Bellamy was right. Everyone was fine. That would have to do for now.
"But you should definetely eat," she said to Madi, who nodded gratefully. In fact, Madi was starving, as she hadn't eaten properly for almost three days. Besides, her head was starting to hurt, probably from all the stress and excitement and the fact that she hadn't drunk enough despite Abby's warning. She needed new energy.
"I'll bring you some food, too," Madi said, but then her eyes widened, "And I have something for you. I completely forgot," she recalled, remembering that she had taken some of Clarke's and her belongings when she was on the ground, knowing that they would be spending days in space.
"Right," Bellamy also remembered, "We'll stop by our quarters and get them"
"Good" Madi said "It doesn't take long"
"So that's settled. We will get you something to eat and bring Madi's surprise for you," Bellamy summarized the plan. A part of her was really looking forward to what that surprise might be.
"Be careful," Clarke warned him jokingly. "She's a hungry eater," she said, suddenly feeling a little better.
When Bellamy looked at her Madi gave him an innocent grin.
"Murphy? You want to see Emori. We can stop at the bridge. Maybe Shaw's plan has progressed by now" He asked in Murphy's direction.
"Yeah, nothing like hearing that," he replied, standing up and looking at Clarke "Get well soon, Clarke. We talk later"
"Thanks, Murphy. You too. Now go to her. Say hello to the others for me," she smiled at him and received a shallow smile from him in return.
Bellamy then looked at Echo who already understood what he wanted from her.
"I'll stay here," she said, "in case she needs anything."
"I'm fine, thanks Echo," Clarke said to her, "You can go with them if you want."
"No, Clarke. I'm staying here," Echo said firmly. Clarke understood that Echo and Bellamy were serious. For some reason, being alone with Echo made her nervous. Partly because the last time they saw each other, Echo had tried to kill her after she had almost killed Bellamy, and partly because they never really spend time together. Especially alone and under non-hostile conditions.
Madi hugged Clarke once more before catching up with Bellamy and Murphy who were already at the door.
"I'll be back soon..."
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