Capítulo 21: Chapter 19
Max sipped his smoothie once more before he turned to Kira. Being a Saturday, we were at the record store, I'd be getting off at five and had planned to meet up with them then but Max had some sort of online game and Kira had to babysit her two younger siblings. And because we all wanted to hang out they had suggested we just do it at my work. I had pulled over two chairs so they were currently seated beside me on the counter. But there was something really peculiar going on with both of them, I could tell. The glances they kept throwing at each other suggested that they either knew something that I didn't or they were keeping something from me.
Even our conversation felt weird, Kira did most of the talking but she was trying too hard, it was obvious she was trying to cover something up.
" Did you guys watch that cat video I sent ?" She asked.
" Yeah..nice stuff, " Max commented and I simply nodded.
" My parents are planning on going to Florida for their anniversary, " Max then said.
" Wow.. Florida, "
" Yap. "
" The weather there's nice. "
" So I've heard. "
Some very uncomfortable silence during which I waited to hear what they'd say next. I wasn't saying anything because the entire mood was off. And until they told me what was up I was simply going to maintain my silence.
" I found a twenty on the street this morning, " Kira said after a while.
" Lucky you. "
" Uh huh. "
I sighed and shook my head, then I crossed my arms and turned to face them with raised brows. I felt mentally drained just listening to them.
" If you wanna tell me something just go ahead and do it, quit beating around the fucking bush. "
They slowly looked at each other. And I sensed their discomfort from where I was, Kira, who was holding her charm bracelet in her hand, started to play around with the little charms, pretending she wasn't even there. And when I stared at her she didn't return the stare but rather did everything in her power to avoid it. That was all the confirmation I needed to know that something was up, Kira was always confident and she always said whatever was on my mind. I had first liked her because of her straightforwardness...well, technically, she had later on admitted that the only reason she had ever approached me was because she had thought I was cute. I had never been as uncomfortable as I had been back then, especially after having just arrived in Boulder. And I had feared her intentions. My goal had been to stay as far away from other people as I possibly could. At the time, I had been eleven and friends were nowhere in my list of wants and requirements.
But the two of them had been nice, I got close to Kira first, which automatically led to me being friends with Max because the two were always together.
Her feelings had faded two days after, she said I was too 'nerdy' for her and I had felt relieved. But the point is that I liked her honesty. I considered it her best trait. And I hoped she wasn't planning on making me change my view on her by refusing to tell me whatever was going on.
" Go on, spill it!" I urged.
Max scratched his head and darted his gaze all over the store. Looking completely uncomfortable.
" Well?"
Their silence was frustrating me. I liked it whenever people told me things to my face.
Kira cleared her throat, fisting her hand around the bracelet before she say up straight and turned to Max.
" Will you do it or should I?" She asked him and he shrugged. And Kira had been about to talk when he held her upper arm and told her he'd be the one to ask.
" Thank God!" Kira whispered, blowing out a relieved breath and placing her hand on her chest dramatically. I shifted my focus to Max.
" Ummm.."
He was clearly having a difficult time asking me whatever it was he had to ask. He kept stammering and stopping his sentences halfway. I got irritated and just demanded he tell me once and for all.
And he did, closing his eyes he quickly asked me the question both of them had been dreading to ask.
" Kyle, are you gay?"
My throat dried up and my heart pounded ferociously in my chest.
It's actually kind of strange. Over the past years I had asked myself that same question a number of times, I had tried to figure out who exactly I was when it came to such matters. But there was something unpleasant and uncomfortable about having someone else ask me. It meant that the question was related to reality. My reality to be exact.
My skin crawled and I wanted to step out for a while so I could take in some much needed fresh air. I also couldn't look either of them in the eye for some reason.
" It's okay! If you are, that is! " Kira quickly blurted out. Reaching out to place her hand on my arm in a comforting gesture.
Max vigorously nodded his approval.
" Yeah, we won't judge you or anything. "
I licked my dry lips and repeatedly blinked in an attempt to stay connected to the present rather than getting emerged in my own thoughts.
" Kyle?" Kira's concerned voice called out. I finally turned and looked at her. And I wondered how long they had been planning on asking me that question.You didn't just wake up one day and decide to ask someone that without reason, there must have been something that drove them to believe I was what they claimed I was. By the looks on their faces, my silence was only serving to confirm their suspicions.
" Why would you ask me that?"
Kira bit on her bottom lip, her eyes on the counters'surface and a somewhat guilty look on her face.
" Because it's what everyone at school is saying, " Max said and Kira shit him a horrified look. Then she harshly called out his name, he realized his mistake and placed a hand over his mouth.
" I mean..like, not everyone! They just.. it's-"
He groaned in frustration and buried his head in his hands.
I felt sick and I wished more than anything to be invincible. I immediately recalled all the glances, I hadn't paid much attention to them before but I suddenly understood why everyone had been looking at me like that whenever I passed by.
" Like I said, we'll love you either way. "
I wasn't listening to what they were saying anymore. I got off the stool and stood on my very shaky feet. My hands gripping onto the counter because I no longer had faith in my balance.
" Was I gay?" The question rang in my head over and over again. And just like all the other times I had asked myself that, the reply came in the form of an image.
An image of him.
And I knew without a doubt that he was the reason behind all the talk, all the rumors.
It was like middle school all over again! They started asking me whether I was okay, and instead of replying I told them I'd be right back, then I stepped out of there and walked a few feet away from the store.
I didn't like that question, it made me uncomfortable and insecure and for some reason...it made me feel abnormal.
But I couldn't blame either them or the other students for making such assumptions. The stares had started after Austin's admission which meant he was the main reason behind the conclusions people had made. Had I been in their shoes I'd have probably made the same conclusion. The kind of relationship he and I had was peculiar. It was unique in its own way.
True, I had never really been into girls before, I thought they were pretty to look at and I liked how complex most of them were, but I had never thought of them like THAT. But then again, I had never really been into boys either...apart from him.
He was the one responsible for my entire confusion because to me it didn't make sense at all. It didn't make sense to only ever be attracted to one single person to the point where everyone else became irrelevant. Which was the main reason Austin scared me so much, he wasn't healthy for me. He had affected me even in his absence, I had lied to myself when I thought distance would be all the solution I needed to finally become a normal fucking person. And the worst part was that I had started feeling that way before I even turned ten. And I thought it was only because I wasn't used to having friends and that sooner or later the effect would wear off, but it never had. Sometimes I was convinced that whatever I felt was an obsession. It felt like it. And just thinking that made me feel even worse.
I was standing next to a post office wall. Leaning against it I locked my fingers together behind my neck. It was too confusing, I didn't even know what or how to think. Not having answers was driving me insane and I hated it. I had been fine with living my life alone, his absence had comforted me because it meant that despite all my crazy thoughts, nothing could have been done about it. But now he wasn't far anymore. He was closer than I wished he'd be and along with him came all the emotions I had been trying to desperately abandon. And he wasn't making things easy with his strange actions and words.
It was just like the past...and that particular past hadn't ended well. My biggest question had always been whether he was truly messing around or not. But the time I left Phoenix I had been convinced he had simply been playing with my emotions, but now I didn't even know.
He did that to me, despite how angry I was at him he always made me let him back in. I saw a customer walk into the store and immediately headed back. I knew that my reluctance to reply to Kira and Max had just made them believe that they were right. And my subconscious wasn't okay with them thinking that so I was determined to clear things up before they left. They were exactly where I had left them, they looked at me when I walked in, their features masking worry and guilt. I helped out the customer, then once he left, I walked over to the counter and placed my interlocked fingers on the counter. Then I took in a deep breath and pegged both of them with level stares.
" I'm not, " I curtly stated.
They didn't believe me. Of course they didn't. They were trying to hide it but it was obvious they thought I was just trying to cover up the truth.
" Kyle-"
" I'm telling you guys the truth! I'm not okay?"
Max put his hands up in a gesture of peace and urged me to calm down.
" We just wanted to ask you directly. We didn't want you thinking you had to hide it from us. "
" I'm not hiding anything, what everyone is saying is false. "
Kira slowly nodded. Then she looked up at me and frowned.
" So this means there's nothing going on between you and Austin?"
That confirmed my theory. He was the reason everyone was making things up. Because their particular theory wasn't true, I didn't believe it was. I wasn't yet sure about where I categorized on the spectrum of sexuality but I didn't think that was it.
" Of course there isn't!"
" But then, I mean, I'm sorry if this comes off as offensive but you two really give off extreme gay vibes, " Kira said. Her honesty seemed to have returned to its normal levels, she was back to being her straight forward self. I didn't even know what to reply to that.
" Like in the library, "
" You weren't there in the library, " I reminded her and she shrugged. Then she said she knew someone who had been there and from what she'd heard, there had definitely been something going on.
" There's nothing going on, how many times do I have to repeat that?"
" Are you sure?"
" Yes!"
" Can you swear?"
" I fucking swear!"
That seemed to convince them. I just wanted to change the subject already. And I hoped they'd never bring that topic up where again. Max apologized and after a while, Kira started telling us about some girl from school who had been caught cheating on her boyfriend with his cousin or uncle or something of the sort. I wasn't really paying attention.
I was planning how I was going to ignore Austin from that point onwards, whatever it took to put an end to those stupid rumors that may or may not have borne a tiny slither of truth.
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