Capítulo 176: -Between you and me-
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I woke up back in my room in Dimension 52. Looks like Jessie left after I went to sleep. I felt a bit better after being with Seb and the others for a while (and getting officially adopted by his wife, I had a mommy now! How cool was that?! I had to go tell Ax!) but I had new problems too. Uh, still have to deal with stuff here though. I got out of bed and headed out to the new wing of the temple I built. Many shrine maidens I passed were staring at me in awe. I could hear their whispers.
"So she really is a god?" "It explains why the Oracle favors her." "I haven't heard of her. What sort of god is she?" "Art? Entertainment? I do love her anime. I think the new season will be out in the next decade."
I lowered my head to avoid eye contact as I hurried on. This was so embarrassing! I know I was running late on my next volume and they didn't want to make a new season until I had at least four but I've been busy!
I found Jessie towering over people in the new wing. The refugees were choosing rooms and thanking her as they went. After they settled in, they would begin finding roles for them here. Everyone had to do their part to help in the upkeep of the temple. Being lazy was frowned upon, but not outright forbidden. And jobs and tasks weren't forced on people who couldn't do them. Jessie could handle a lot of this herself, but her most faithful maidens helped out without being asked. Jessie didn't want people feeling jealous or disappointed and starting conflicts over others not pulling their own weight, so she made it so they didn't have to. But I really didn't know how she managed it. Then again, sometimes people got banished from Dimension 52, so maybe that was it. Some kinda unspoken threat hanging over people and making them actually try to help out with whatever they were comfortable with doing. Jessie never minded what they chose to do, as long as it was something. Even something small.
Like, not everyone here knew how to weave cloth to make clothing, not everyone here knew how to cook, or farm, or play music, or clean, or cast magic, or heal--
But everyone had something they could do. And as long as they made an effort to help out (even just carrying things from one room to another, or being an ear to listen to someone who needed to talk) was enough.
It was very… nice.
And anything that wasn't done by anyone else was a task my sister took up herself. It was one of the many things I liked about her. The fact that she never asked people to do things that she wasn't willing to do herself.
Even now, as I watched her help the refugees settle in, she was carrying their belongings for them, when they grew too tired to hold it themselves. I watched her pick up a child who was about to collapse from exhaustion. A few maidens moved to help as well. Well, lead by example and all that. Jessie was a good leader.
Don't know how she managed it. Why do people just… like her? What would I have to do to be like her?
"Miz, thank you very much for building the new wing." Jheselbraum called out, not turning to look at me. She didn't need to. This was her territory. "It's lovely. You did a very good job." She added.
I could feel myself warming from head to toe. I stammered and shuffled in place. Wh-what was it with people and… and… complimenting me lately?! I was more used to it as Jan or Xin. Miz got some praise here and there for her manga and anime… but that was different! I didn't really know how to handle this. I never did. Jessie came over and placed a hand on my head. "Are you feeling better?"
Slowly, I nodded. "A little…" She seemed satisfied by that. "Come by the garden later. We can talk there." And then she lifted her hand away to go back to assisting the newbies. I stood there for a while, feeling uncomfortable with all the gazes on me. (I could handle being stared at when I was Jan, why was this so hard?) I turned and left.
The garden wasn't just the gardens around the temple. She meant her personal garden, in her personal chambers. It was only here that I was completely hidden from the rest of the temple. It was only here that I could be Bill again.
I sat at the edge of the pond, feet in the water and watching the Star fish swim about. They were called such because that's what they were. Miniature particles of celestial energy condensed into a fish form. Gathered over the course of a century via magicks utilizing the AXOLOTL's symbol in the casting. They twinkled as they moved. I rather liked them. Aside from being very pretty, they served as an artificial light source. The grass around the pond was healthier and more vibrant than those further away.
They were a Crimbo gift I made for Jessie a couple decades ago. She asked me not to make something so elaborate next time. Also, apparently creating life so willy nilly was a problematic thing?
She kept them anyway, so if we're going by who won and who lost, I definitely won!
One of the star fish came over to nibble at my feet. It tickled a little. "Hey, I'm not a worm." I told it. "Even if my limbs are all noodlely right now." I stared at the fish. "But Bill~ we are hungry~" the 'fish' responded. I rolled my eye. "Really now? I'm sure Jessie fed you just a few hours ago."
"But she only feeds us bugs and stuff." the 'fish' whined. I laughed at them. "Because feeding you straight hydrogen and helium is too difficult. Besides, you can get all the nourishment you need from bathing in starlight. So don't even try."
"Bill? Are you talking to yourself again?"
"AAAAHHH!" I flailed and flopped onto my back in the (magically cleaned) grass. I glanced up to see Jheselbraum covering up a snicker. I pouted. She knelt down beside me. "How are you feeling? Less drained I hope."
"I'm fine." I actually was. Had a lot of time to rebuild my energy levels. "How're the new guys?" I asked. She sighed. "Their planet was overtaken in the expansion process. The Federation needed more lands to build facilities for the creation of specific supplies to meet demand."
I groaned. "They're almost as bad as the Irken…" like fuck. There were plenty of uninhabited planets! Why'd they have to take over a place where people are already living???"
...I knew the answer. It was actually easier. Less terraforming the wilderness into habitable living spaces. Even if they had the trouble of suppressing the local population. It was just more convenient for them to do so, then to have to hire workers to clear land for building.
After all, construction work required paying to hire workers. Subjugation only required sending down their army of brainwashed soldiers who pretty much worked for free.
I sighed. "Should I be doing something about this? Should I try and stop them?" I should, right? But even if I defended a planet, what's to stop the Federation from trying again? Jessie sighed. "Well, if you claimed the planet for yourself, they would keep their hands off."
"I don't want the responsibility." I muttered. And wasn't that selfish of me? But I already had several planets under Xin's rule and they were a lot of work. And this was with people who actually worshipped me and listened to me. Claiming some other planet as Bill would need me to get them to trust me. Wait. I could claim planets as Xin. But they aren't farming worlds.
Uwu….
"You're overthinking it." Jessie told me. "You don't even have to oversee them. Let them run themselves."
"But what if they need help?" I scooted over to press into her side. Jessie laid a hand along my side. "Then they can call you." Oh. Right. Yeah. That was a thing they could do. Am I really missing the forest for the trees here?
I felt Reality twist. "Oh, right. Dad's coming." Jessie's eyes went wide. "M-milord is coming?" She stood up and looked around, feeling the world twist. I raised a hand and shielded her from the pressure. Ax's power was too much for most mortals to handle. Jessie's divinity protected her but it still felt heavy for her. My own power didn't feel like that, probably because the multiverse was built from my energy, so everyone's USED to me in a passive sense.
I saw Ax appear from the sky, giant and pink. Good thing this area of the temple was so far from where everyone else was. They might faint at the sight of their god. As it was, I felt Jessie shivering as she dropped to her knees. "The AXOLOTL…" She breathed.
"Yeah. Dad said he wanted to meet you in person. Since you're his high priestess and all. And he likes you, you know?" I nudged her with a grin, but she wasn't looking at me. Her eyes were glimmering with tears as she finally laid her gaze upon the god she'd devoted herself to for eons, never daring to even dream she would never meet him. She fell to her knees, bowing low to the ground, pressing her head to the grass. "I am unworthy."
"Fuck that." I poked her side. "You are definitely worthy. Ax wants to meet you. Now get up." I pulled at her arm while Ax settled himself in the garden, shrunken down to fit. -It's fine. Let her acclimate. I shall wait-he rumbled. I felt Jessie shiver violently. Yeah, probably overwhelmed at his Voice.
Finally, Jessie seemed to gather herself and lifted her head, tears still streaming from her eyes. "I… Never thought I would get this chance…" she murmered. "My lord, what is it that you wish from me?"
Ax looked a little crestfallen. -I wished only to meet you and thank you for your work- he lowered his head down to us. -Thank you for all you've done for me. I appreciate you- he glanced over at me. -Am I doing this right? I haven't spoken to anyone personally besides you and Time Baby for a very long time-
I waved him off. "You're doing fine daddy."
Jessie finally snapped out of her reverent stupor. "My lord, why have you finally appeared before me? I confess, when Bill told me you wanted to see me, I didn't think he meant you were actually going to be here."
Ax managed to smile. Good. My facial expression lessons were paying off. -You are my Oracle, my voice to my people. I apologize for being unable to meet with you before this. I have… wanted to thank you for so long-
"I am unworthy of your praise, oh great one."Jessie bowed her head again. I rolled my eye. "Great whatever. You don't need to be so formal. Just talk to him like a person."
Jessie seemed too bashful to do that at the moment. Well, that was fine too. This WAS her first time meeting Ax after all. "I'll… Leave you both to it. I'm gonna go make sure the rest of the temple is holding up." I turned, shifting into Miz as I went. Jessie and Ax didn't respond, the two speaking to each other formally. Uuugh, they didn't have to be so careful! They were practically family! Distant and barely knew each other family, but still!
I wandered back out to the common area of the temple. People were looking around with their hands (or equivalent limbs) pressed together. Everyone could feel it. Ax's presence. Heavy, but beautiful, a Soul-felt sense of 'being home'. After all, everyone's Souls had passed through Ax at some point. Their Soul remembered him as their creator, father, god, even if they haven't met him in their life. Many were crying. I saw Riza leaning against a pillar, eyes glazed. "Mi-Miz? What's going on?" He gasped. People could see how I wasn't affected by all this like they were. If it weren't for how comforting this all felt, they would have thought the dimension was under attack.
"Oh. The AXOLOTL came in person to speak with Jheselbraum." I shrugged. "Just try to keep breathing. I know he's a little much for people meeting him for the first time. Or being nearby."
They all stared at me. "He is… Here…" many of them breathed, faint and in awe. Eh. I almost felt worried for how intense this reaction was. I knew Ax's power was great, but even with the Seal, they were on their knees, trembling from even being nearby. "C-can we see him?" Blue Rose asked, the 'petals' making up her face fluttering. I shrugged. "Don't think you guys would survive getting any closer to him than this to be honest." They seemed to understand my point.
"How are you handling it so well?" A familiar voice asked. I turned to see Tina, leaning against the wall, trembling. My face lit up. "Tina! I didn't know you were already here!" I ran over to hug her leg. She lowered herself on shaking legs to sit and hugged me back. "Why aren't you affected?" She asked again. I could feel everyone staring at me. I shuffled, a little uncomfortable now with all their eyes. "I-I'm just… Used to it? I guess?"
That didn't make the stares lessen at all! all!
"Um… so… how've you been Tina?" I tried very hard to change the subject. She was staring at me like everyone else. "What sort of god are you?"
"Hey~ wanna check out the new stuff we're growing in the food garden?" I asked loudly. I pulled at Tina's hand to drag her off. She stumbled after me while the other maidens continued to weep. Uhh… if people reacted like this even with Ax's Seal in place, I'm gonna have to make it a lot stronger. Once we were outside, in one of the farming areas, Tina dropped to her knees. We were alone now. I sighed. "I'm… a god." I said quietly.
"I know that." Tina breathed. "But what sort of god are you?"
I shrugged. Didn't want to lie, didn't want to reveal the truth. Tina seemed to come to her own conclusions. Yeah, people tended to do that if I just kept quiet. "It's not that important." I told her, because it wasn't. She sighed, wiping at the tears in her eyes. "Right." Didn't sound like she believed me, but I'll take what I can get.
I sat down and scooted over to nuzzle against her side. "So how've you been? You never answered me." Tina gave a shaking laugh. "Well I've been doing all sorts of boring things." She teased. "Reading law books, learning economics…"
I groaned, getting a headache just thinking about it. "Why would you put yourself through that?"
"Because the world and society as it is now is awful." Was her firm reply. I stared. "Yes. It is." I agreed. "But why are you putting yourself through this?"
Tina bit her lip. "I… it might be futile, and maybe it's not something that I'll be able to do… but…" She raised a trembling hand to place on my shoulder, pulling me closer against her. "I want to take over the Federation."
I was hit with a sense of Deja'Vu. "I never took you for multiversal domination."
Tina laughed. "I'm not going for a hostile takeover." She continued giggling over my words. I scoffed. "Why not? I bet you could beat up those stuffy council members easily. Except your mom. She's scary as fuck." That only made her laugh harder, even as she tried unsuccessfully to scold me. "Beating up people is wrong." She admonished me. "But you're right about mom. You know I once saw her reduce chairman Feo to tears just from staring at him?"
Damn. That's pretty hot. I shook my head. No. Bad Bill! No being attracted to my friend's mom! "So are you planning on learning her intimidation tactics?"
"I want to get into politics. I want…" Tina bit her lip. "I want to tear the Federation down and rebuild it. The whole thing's too broken to fix. Might as well scrap it all." She put her hands on her thin hips. "Keeping the framework is fine. But I want to change out everything. Especially who's in charge, communications between the branches-- there's so much incompetence!!"
I stared at her with my jaw dropped. "Y-you really want to do that?" That was… awesome! But… how? That would take years and years. And even if Tina's species lived unusually long, such a thing would take eons! Unless she did it all at once, but the resulting chaos would be insane unless she found people to replace everyone she's kicking off the council, replaced every person in the entire chain of command, and even then, the new laws and policies would cause an uproar if everything changed so suddenly--
I think she saw the doubt on my face. Tina sighed. "I'm still in the process of picking out what people I think would be good to take over various positions of power. As for how I'll get them into the seats, I don't know yet. But…" She raised her hand and closed my mouth. "If you are a god… if… it isn't too much to ask…" she bowed her head. "Please. I would like to ask for a Boon."
I practically vibrated in place. "Boon nothing-- if you can really fix the government… I can give you a straight up Blessing. Or even a Deal!" I paused, took a step back. "Th-that's… I don't know if it's a good idea. I mean… I--!"
Tina's expression firmed, determined and stubborn as all get out. "I need time. I need… safety. I can't fix anything if I'm dead." She winced. "And I don't want to kill anyone. I don't want anyone dying for my sake." She lifted her hands to place on my face, caressing me. "I don't want you having to kill anyone to protect me, to protect anyone. I know you do it because you care about us, but killing isn't right. I want to make a world where you wouldn't have to do that anymore."
"I don't know if that's possible." I breathed. I wanted to believe her, believe such a thing was possible. But people were awful sometimes. There would always be people who wanted to hurt others and would need to be stopped.
"It's not possible on my own. That's why I'll need your help." She pressed her forehead against mine. I closed my eyes, reaching up to grip her arms. "What do you want?" I could feel my powers stirring. They writhed beneath the skin of my vessel. Waiting. Watching. Anticipating.
"I want more time. I can't afford to die before I reach my goals. I can't afford to die and let someone else take the reigns. I can't trust anyone else to do so. Not until I'm sure they'll be able to do it." Tina whispered. I was shaking. "What do you want?" I repeated, my voice strained with the effort to keep from screaming.
"I want..." she was holding me so close. "...you."
My eyes snapped open, radiating gold. "Would you like to make a Deal?"
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I… can't believe I did that. I was still in a state of shock. Like fuck. I can't believe I wasn't found out!
Okay. Don't panic. So I made a deal with a former shrine maiden. She wasn't one of Jessie's anymore. It was fine. A-and Jessie didn't seem to notice (or maybe she didn't mind???) And Tina was the one who asked for this! I offered but she's the one who accepted. So… this was… good? A-and I even put all my focus into NOT making some sort of weird side effect. My friend was fine. She was safe. It wasn't even a complicated Deal! I had to leave after it, after my power flared around us and sank its grip into her. I didn't hurt her! I swear I didn't. But I was too wound up to stay. Jessie would have asked me to leave anyway. I'm sure of it. I know she Saw that Deal go down. She didn't like me hanging around when my powers acted up like that.
I was home at the Death Star, my triangle form still vibrating with the afterglow of that Deal.
I laid on the couch, near Ammy as he watched the television. Well, I think he was watching it? The channel was just static. While static was sort of fun to watch (all the shifting lines and dots!) I was confused as to why Ammy was sitting so close to the screen. Unblinking. His little tendrils hands pressed against the screen. "What cha doing Ammy?" I asked, shifting my mind off the Deal I just made.
Slowly, Ammy turned his 'head' around to face me. "They're here." He said slowly.
Huh?
Before I could ask about that, Hectorgon hopped over. "Oh Bill, can I show you something? I need your opinion."
"Sure Hec." I blinked and floated away. I turned back to see Ammy with his face pressed against the screen again. Huh. Weird kid. "So what's this all about?" I asked Hectorgon as we got to his room.
"I call it 'Youmanity'." He sounded quite proud. "Youmani-what?"
"Here. I've been working on it with a partner online for the past several years." Hectorgon showed me to his desk. He had multiple computer screens, all with different programs running on them. The one he pointed my attention towards was front and center. A white screen with a video player open. I floated closer and stared.
Within the video were… humans? For a second I thought this was one of my many bubble recordings of the Penis Planet™. But the humans on screen weren't going at it like some reenactment of the kama sutra. They were… having a peaceful picnic in a sunny field.
And as I watched, one of them looked over and it was like they were looking through the screen right at me. They waved. "Hello! You're new. Are you the Creator's friend?"
Slowly, I turned toward Hectorgon. He twirled his mustache. "So? What do you think? They're fully aware and intelligent, so far as I could tell. But as the Master of the Mind, I thought you would be able to help me confirm this for sure."
"What did you create?" I already knew, but I had to know if he knew. If he understood what he'd done. Those things--those people in there-- They were--
"A fully sentient AI. That was the goal anyway." Hectorgon shrugged. "My partner wanted to have a program capable of running security systems that could learn and grow and fully understand nuances and react to different situations. I just thought it would be a fun project." He grinned at me. "How'd I do?"
"Will they be hurt?" Was my response. He seemed taken aback. "They cannot feel pain, I made sure of that. But they're still young, I was thinking of running them through several virtual years worth of experiences before sending them out to buyers--"
"If they're PEOPLE, you can't sell them." I practically snarled. Hectorgon paused. "But… they're a program."
"Not if they're people." I couldn't believe he didn't notice. I could create false life, a vessel implanted with false memories and personality. But they weren't sentient. They weren't alive I purpose made sure of that. No Souls, no Free Will, no desires of their own. They weren't people. I made sure of that! The only exceptions were the things born into the Penis Planet™. I somehow made real Life there. Still didn't know how that happened, but the things there developed Free Will on their own. They gained Souls over time. It was something I could Feel. And these… people on that computer screen… they...
"They have Souls!" I hissed out at him. Hectorgon looked floored. "What?!" He sputtered. "How?!"
"THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!" I clutched my tophat and paced back and forth. How had he managed that? Why had Ax allowed for such a thing?! Wait. Shit. We were working on automating the Soul system. Was this the result? Things getting Souls even when they probably shouldn't have?! Shit. Well, this was a bug we were gonna have to work out. In the meantime...
"You can't sell them." I told Hectorgon firmly. "They can go and work for the buyer, as employees, if they choose to do so. But they aren't property." And they would need to be compensated for their time, otherwise it just wasn't fair. H-how was I even supposed to deal with this? At least it seemed like my friend understood. He swallowed. "Oh dear…" He looked rather uncomfortable. "This… wasn't what I was going for at all…"
"Yeah… ah… so… what now?" I turned back to the screen where the youmans were crowding close to the 'camera'. "What's wrong sir?" One of them asked. I sighed. "Nothing's wrong. Hey, how are you? Are you all comfortable? Happy?"
They glanced at each other in confusion. "We're fine. It's nice here. Creator is very kind." Hectorgon was covering his face, "I don't know how this happened. They were supposed to be well made, not… real people."
I confess, I didn't want to deal with this complicated thing right now. I patted Hectorgon's shoulder. "Well, you're a father now. Take care of your children." I deadpanned at him.
He stiffened, looked back over to the curious Youmans. "Oh." He said faintly, as if he only just realized the implications of what he'd done.
"Yeah. Oh." I patted his shoulder again. I wasn't gonna touch this one. I had enough shit on my plate to deal with.
Hectorgon looked like he was rethinking all his life's choices. Good luck with this buddy. Hopefully, the Youman would be okay with working on whatever job they were made for, and it wouldn't end up being some kinda possession thing. That would suck.
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I think I started a trend or something. Kryptos wanted to go to Earth again. I thought everyone else from last time would come with us, but Kryptos gave them all a Look that I couldn't fully understand, and they all suddenly had some other plans for the day. Huh. Did Kryptos learn some kinda eye-based mind control thing?! Nah… he didn't let off any signs of having used magic, or psychic powers or anything. Either way, it seemed like Kryptos was going to Earth with me alone.
This village we were hanging out in was chosen because it was a pretty large settlement. After the fall of Atlantis, I was interested in all the other human civilizations. Egypt was doing well, but I had to check out the rest of the world too. And for the moment, I was here. I think this was somewhere in what would eventually be called the Middle East. What caught my attention was the huge stone wall that towered just outside the settlement. It was really cool! The humans here even built a tower on top of it! It took them so much time to do so, almost a year in fact! Even with all the people working on it. Human ingenuity was amazing. I didn't help any of these people figure out how to set up those stones in a stable way to prevent them from collapsing and killing everyone. They got this all on their own!
Kryptos didn't seem all that interested, "It's just rocks Bill." But he stayed while I squealed over it. "Everything these creatures do, delights you." Kryptos sighed. "Why do you love humans so much?"
"Because they're amazing!" I sat down, having finished my fanboying over the architecture for the day. "I've been helping out a lot of the multiverse, both out there and here, in their innovations. Inspiring them in their dreams, teaching them about the world…" I was quite fond of that. "But humans really take to my ideas. They love my inspiration." They weren't as afraid of me as most of the aliens I've met. Probably because they didn't grow up with Federation propaganda talking about how dangerous I was. "And most of this stuff they figure out on their own! They're so innovative!" I pointed at a chicken running by. "Like domesticating wild animals to make them something that they can breed for food! They figured that out all on their own!"
Like… how wonderful was it for people to figure out how to do shit by themselves? Kryptos sighed. "Well, I guess that's worthy of praise." He watched a human child run by, waving a stick and laughing. "They are kinda cute, in a primitive kinda way." I floated down to 'sit' on a nearby rock. "I just want them to advance faster." I mumbled. "I like watching it happen, but I suppose I'm just… impatient."
"Well, I'm sure it gets boring to wait for things to happen." Kryptos sat beside me. I eyed him. "Speaking of, how're your world domination plans going? Just a heads up, I have a friend who's planning something similar." Even if Tina denies wanting to multiverse domination, that's essentially what the end result would be. I was kinda curious how that played out. The way she spoke about, she wanted to do her takeover in a way that wouldn't result in any civilian casualties, which I respect.
Kryptos sighed. "It's… going. I guess. I've sort of put it on the back burner for now as I work on a different project."
"Oooh? What's that?" I nuzzled against him. Kryptos snorted, the sound whistling through his teeth, even though neither of us were breathing at the moment. "You know, simple stuff. Killing a god, wooing a cute girl. The normal things a young man would pursue." I blinked at that. "Is that really what the kids these days are into?" Well, Tina WAS out for domination. Huh. Maybe that really was what people were interested in doing nowadays. Kryptos gave me a deadpanned look. "No reaction?" He grumbled. I giggled. "Sorry, I'm not trying to brush off your goals. It's just…" I thought about it. "So you wanna kill a god? Which idiot pissed you off that much?"
...oh, I hope it wasn't me. I didn't believe Blue's warnings about Kryptos being dangerous, but what if he was right?
"A stupid baby." Kryptos muttered. I paused. Oh. It was just Time Baby. Yeah, acceptable. No one really liked him. Well, no one who wasn't brainwashed into serving him at least. "Well… it would kinda suck if you killed him and he got mad about that." I sighed. Not gonna stop him from trying. Like how I wouldn't try to stop Blue from killing his Ax. If that's what they wanted to do… "Knowing him, he'd blame me."
"...I could make it clear it was me?" Kryptos offered. I shook my head. "But then you'd get in trouble and we're back to square one."
"Okay. Frame someone else for it. Got it." Kryptos nodded. I scoffed. "No scapegoating others. It's rude. Unless they deserve it."
"Okay, frame some asshole for it. Got it." Kryptos was grinning at me now. Cheeky little bugger was having fun with this. I laughed and nudged him. "You're hilarious!" I thought about it and cackled. "What if you framed Time Baby for it?!"
Kryptos had a considering look on his face. "Can I pull that off? Well, he IS a baby. Might be dumb enough to fall for it…"
He seemed really into it. "What's your beef with Time Baby anyway?" I wondered aloud. Hectorgon hated the Federation, specifically he hated the councilmen who took his daughter. But he doesn't have any personal grudge against Time Baby himself. I mean… the worse that Time Baby did to anyone personally was maintaining forward progression of time, and that wasn't really something to hold against him, even if I didn't like the aging process it enforced on people.
"He hurt you." Kryptos was blunt with his reply. "And you don't seem to realize just how bad that was."
I shrugged. "I hate killing for him, but it is still ultimately just me agreeing to it."
"You shouldn't have to be in that position to begin with." Kryptos muttered. "But that wasn't what I was referring to."
"Oh? What then?"
"He doesn't do anything to stop the Federation from hating you. He actively encourages it." Kryptos spat out. "Why do you keep letting him get away with that? I know he's like an important god or whatever, but that's not an excuse. And aren't you planning to make an automated system for Time Baby or something?"
"How'd you know about that?" I blinked. Kryptos rolled his eye. "You were talking to yourself about it a few weeks ago." Curse my need to talk to myself! He coughed. "So… yeah. If you make it so that he's obsolete, then why not just get rid of him?"
I mean, he had a point, but that didn't mean I wanted to start that fight. Even if his Pillar was upheld without him, that didn't mean it was a good idea to kill off a major god. Time Baby also worked to prevent unauthorized time travel. And while I thought it was kinda bullshit to lay intense punishments on people who time travelled by accident, there were some people who went back in time to try and mess with all sorts of stuff. Mainly things like trying to give their past selves information on how to get rich or something. But there were also people who wanted to prevent the deaths of their loved ones or prevent disasters… the only real issue with those was some butterfly effect long reaching consequences.
Which, just to clarify, the butterfly effect isn't as crazy as people make it out to be. Sure, changes in the past can ripple out to make other changes, which make other changes and so on. But most of the time it all amounts to small things like buying a different pair of socks at the store, or having a waffle for breakfast instead of toast. It was all very arbitrary and most people simply weren't… important enough to cause any huge changes. Even things like a person living or dying in the past normally doesn't actually change all that much in the grand scheme of things. It's why I got away with altering the past (or rather, retroactively creating the present) all the time with no peep from Time Baby. It simply wasn't important enough.
The stuff that he gets on people's cases about? Those're the major events. History changing. The kind of thing that could make entire civilizations fall. And… I didn't care enough to keep track of things like that. So having Time Baby deal with that was fine by me. Yeah… he really was a busy guy. Really though, he had a whole team of people in the Time Anomaly Removal Crew! Just have them checking on the Timeline in shifts and stuff! (I know he doesn't trust anyone else to do his job, which I can sympatize with, but fuck it dude!)
"He still does his job. And frankly, I don't want to have to do his job." I grumbled. I know that was lazy of me, but fuck if I even knew how to do his job. I could just ban time travel altogether to avoid the issue entirely but that was pretty much what he did already. It didn't stop people from building time machines. Kryptos thought about it. "What if you found someone to do his job for him?"
"Like who? Father Time? All he does is run on his wheel all day." I grumbled. A Time Deity created for the purpose of forward progression in that sectioned off Multiverse owned by that god of Magic. Actually… that wasn't a half bad idea. I bet he got bored just running on a wheel all the time. Maybe if I set up the screens for looking at Timelines so he can check them over for anomalies...
...get some of Time Baby's staff to work for him and get sent out on missions for him too...
"Huh… I'm gonna need to get back on that some other time." I muttered. Then I slapped my forehead and laughed. "Time! Ge-"
"I get it Bill!" Kryptos groaned.
I cackled for an uncomfortably long time.
---
I wasn't sure what sort of reception I would get once I entered Father Time's realm. He didn't have many visitors, scratch that, he got none at all. The god of Magic created him for his purpose here and then left him to it. Kinda sad really. The big guy was running on his wheel, like he always did. So this was what happened when there wasn't a Pillar to keep time going. Just one old dude on a hamster wheel for all eternity. Sucks. He didn't look all that happy. Looked really bored actually. I couldn't help but feel bad. At least Time Baby still got to do stuff.
"Hey? Sir?" I didn't really feel like going all 'showman' on him. Haven't felt like doing that in a while actually. Then again, I haven't been summoned for a Deal in a while, so I haven't had to. It was actually more stressful to be 'myself' around clients, I couldn't handle it. But this… wasn't technically a client. This was just some dude I wanted to talk to. And perhaps offer a job?
...probably should have asked Time Baby if he was okay with someone else helping with his job, but he'd say no on principle so fuck that. Father Time glanced over, surprised to hear someone here. "H-hello?" He blinked at me. I smiled even as I felt Time slow when his steps faltered. "Hi! I'm not sure if you know me, so…" I held out my hand. "I'm Bill Cipher. It's nice to meet you." He looked at my hand, slowing to a complete stop. "Oh. Hello." He took my hand and shook it. "I'm Father Time. It's… nice to meet you too?"
"So…." I looked around. "Hey, ah… no offence. It looks like your job here might get kinda boring, huh?" He tilted his head. "Bored?" He blinked, finally noticing more than just me. "Oh. Oh!" His eyes widened in wonder as he hopped off his wheel and splashed into the mud. I winced and zoomed back to get out of the spray. Mud. Eeeeewwww...
"What is this?! This--" He laughed like a child as he played around in the mud. I felt my bricks rattling in disgust as he scooped up a whole handful and shoved it in his mouth. Oh dear lord he was really eating it. I mean, I know he's never eaten or tasted anything in his existence but mud?! Please man! You could do so much better!
In fact...
"Hey. Hey!" I tried (and failed) to snap my fingers. I still got his attention though. He turned to me, mud oozing from between his lips. I shuddered. "Hey. I know you're excited about all the new things to see and touch and smell and… taste." I pulled out a handkerchief to wipe the mud from his face. "But if you're gonna eat something, at least let it be something good!"
"...good? Eat?" Father Time looked so confused. Oh you poor sweet darling...
I laid a hand on his shoulder. "Come with me child."
---
"Hey kids! Are you ready for a new and exciting episode of--"
The title card flashed on screen as a chorus of voices called out, "Cooking with Bill!" as the audience cheered. I waved my hands until they quieted down. "Yes, yes, I know you've all missed me." I grinned at everyone, "And I know the last episode got cut off early due to some… missteps in the kitchen…" I glanced to the side and the camera moved to point off the set to a large tupperware container covered in Seals. It shook as growling sounds came from inside. The camera moved back to face front. "Which is definitely (probably) not gonna happen this time!" I paused. "Hopefully." There was a muffled growling coming from off screen. I stretched out my hand and the sound of something being pushed further away as the growls faded. "Anyway!" I chirped, facing the camera again. "I have another guest today! Everyone say hello to Father Time--" The spotlight shone down on said deity, who's pupils were blown wide with pure fascinated joy at all of this.
"And despite the name, and title, and career, he actually isn't Time Baby's dad. I know right? Weirder things have happened." I shrugged. "Well he's recently discovered that life is more than just running the wheels of time for all eternity, and while the wheels no longer turning might be a bit of an issue, it's not like anyone over in the Verseverse will even notice." I giggled. "You know? Since time's stopped and all that."
"Oh. Should I get back to that?" Father Time frowned, a little worried now that I've pointed it out. I waved him off. "It's fine dude. You're allowed to take a break now and then. Like I said, they're not gonna notice a difference. Your whole sector's on pause. Now how about I show you something much better than mud?"
"There are things better than mud?" He squealed. It was cute to see someone so excited for my work. I placed my hands on my bottom corners proudly. "Yup! It's something I'm still working on myself, baking that is!"
I waved my hands and sparkle effect spread across the countertop and my ingredients appeared. "Specifically, baking brownies!" I squealed. I could finally synthesize Cocoa powder! Thank you alternate Earth! "They're like mud, but yummy!"
"Brownies?" Father Time looked down at the table and grabbed the bag of sugar, shoving it into his mouth. "Ahh! Nooo! Don't eat it yet! It's not done yet!" I wailed, pulling at the end of the bag, trying to wrestle it out of him. "Brownies need to be cooked! Made! Created!" I gave a tug at each word. "Don't eat my ingredients!!!!"
"Ifff sho good!" Father Time moaned through the mouthful of sugar. I was pretty much sobbing. "Noooo! My sugaaaaar!!!!" He was drooling over all of it! All of it!!!!! Nooooo! With one final tug, I managed to get my bag back, but it was too late. I stared down at the mess in exasperated despair. "My sugar…" I sniffled.
Father Time blinked, looked at the tears welling up in my eye and then down at the soggy bag of sugar. "Oh… sorry?" He awkwardly pet my side. "I can spit it back up?" He suggested. I shook my head. "No, it's… it's fine… I'm just gonna go get some more…" I waved a hand and a trapdoor in the countertop opened up and with a whirring sound, a new bag of sugar rose up before the hole closed. "Just… please don't eat my ingredients. It makes it harder to cook without them."
Father Time nodded slowly. "What is cooking?" He asked, settling down, licking the sugar from around his lips. I brightened back up, literally glowing. "It's when you take things that may or may not taste all that good and make them taste better!" I pointed down at the remains of the sugar bag on the ground. "Like, that sugar tasted really good, didn't it?"
He nodded super quick, practically vibrating in place. Ah, his first energy rush. How adorable. "Well, once I mix sugar with everything else here and then imbue it with heat energy for a certain amount of time, it'll taste even BETTER!"
"Better?!" He looked blown away at the idea of such a thing. "Yup! And that's why cooking is so awesome!" I gestured to the ingredients as the sound effect "Oooh~" rang out. "And, I'm not all that good at baking yet. But I'm getting better! They're gonna taste fine even if they don't look all that nice."
I nudged him with my elbow. "And considering you've eaten mud off the ground, I doubt you'd mind too much even if they don't look perfect." The audience laughed. Father Time laughed as well, just having a good time with all these new sensations and sounds and… well, everything.
"Okay! So first of all, you need to have a stove… or some other heat source, need to melt some butter…" I flicked on the stovetop and placed a saucepan on it. Father Time stared in awe at it. "What's this do?" He pointed. I pushed his hand away. "Don't touch the pan. It's hot." I pointed at the table, at the triangular blocks. "That's the butter. Please unwrap them from the foil and put them in the pot to melt." I picked one of them up to show him how it worked. And yes. My butter sticks are triangular shaped. "Also, the butter I use is made from churned seacow milk, but you can churn almost anything else into butter if you tried hard enough." I grinned and gestured to the side. A spotlight clicked on to reveal an object shining onto a pedestal.
"And what easier way to make your own butter, than with Bill Cipher's patented CHURN-A-TRON 1000!?" The camera focused on the Chrun-a-tron 100 as it rotated in place. The announcer voice-over read out, [The CHURN-A-TRON 100 - Quick and easy to use - Simply liquidize any substance you wish to butter-ify and pour it into the mixing chamber - then simply press the button and watch all the evidence churn away! - The CHURN-A-TRON 100! - Because the best way to hide evidence is by eating it!] Tiny text began streaming across the screen. [Cipher Studios is not responsible for any murder or resultant cannibalism as a result of our product. Cipher Studios does not condone the murder of, liquidization of and subsequent butter-making of people. Unless they're pedophiles, in which case, churn away.]
"If you want to order your own CHURN-A-TRON 1000, just say ɖօ ʏօʊ աǟռռǟ ƈɦʊʀռ ֆօʍɛ ɮʊȶȶɛʀ? Six times while standing on your head and we at Cipher Studios will send you your very own CHURN-A-TRON 1000! Payment will be taken in the form of your deep dark secrets, hidden from even your own conscious mind!" I winked at the camera.
"Oooh…" Father Time unwrapped the butter and held up the yellow object in front of him. "It looks like you." He pointed out. I laughed. "Yup."
He licked the butter. I shuddered. "Why do you always have to ruin my ingredients! If you want to taste everything, you can! Just tell me so I can give you a sample piece without you contaminating everything!" I flicked my fingers and a large hand came down from above to hand me another stick of butter. Father Time sucked up the butter in his hands and rolled it around inside his mouth. "Oh! Thff tastes gweat!" he was drooling everywhere and it was disgusting. I waved a hand and sent him floating a few feet away from me. A barrier went up between him and the rest of the ingredients. "Yeah, well, kindly make sure you don't contaminate everything." I grimaced at how gross he was being. A flick of my fingers had a bib wrapping around his neck. "Ugh… even the gremlins aren't this messy. And they're like 5 or something…"
Well, that dealt with, I turned back to the camera. "Anyway! So you melt some butter in a pan, lowest heat setting of course! Don't wanna burn it!" I cackled as the fire flared up for a second. The camera zoomed into the pan where a yellow triangle stick of butter slowly melted away. It was a little morbid, I guess. But I didn't mind. "Once the butter is fully melted, turn off the heat, put in some sugar, mixing as you go. And add cocoa powder…" I grew more hands as I reached for the other bags and containers of stuff. "I think I need eggs too…" my skinny black arms were stretched all around the room, crisscrossing everywhere. Father Time was no help at all, huddling in a corner licking the cocoa powder from another container I made for him just to keep him out of the way. "Uuugh! This tastes bad!" He complained about it. I rolled my eye. "It's gonna be bitter on it's own! If you don't like it, stop eating my ingredients!"
I glanced around. "Where're the eggs?" Fuck I forgot the eggs! I slapped a new hand to my forehead. "Well kids, how'd you all like to learn where EGGS come from?" Father Time jumped up and down. "Oooh! Oooh! I wanna know!!!" He waved his arms around. Well, it's nice to have a guest who's happy to learn.
"Well eggs can come from all sorts of places!" I told everyone. I reached below the counter and lifted up a wrabbleruck. "Like it can be laid by birds!" The wrabbleruck shrieked and flapped its wings, escaping my grasp to fly around the room. I shrugged. "You can also find eggs from reptilian species, or other avian species, or amphibians… aquatic animals…" I pulled out various animals and released them into the room. They were all making noise as they panicked, trying to find some way out. Father Time swallowed the bullywog, letting out a burp as the slimy creature was consumed.
"But if you're a vegetarian, or just find the thought of eating the unfertilized excretion of other animals, have no fear!" I told my captive audience. "There's plenty of egg trees! All the egg for none of the animals!" I closed my hand into a fist and spun it around before throwing it at the ground. The entire room shook and a tree sprouted from the ground, growing up and up, sprouting branches and buds that quickly grew into round white eggs. I cackled. Needed to grow one of these in my garden at home, they were so useful.
I reached up to pluck a ripe egg-fruit. It was starting to get difficult to navigate in here, what with all my arms everywhere, but I wasn't gonna move 'em.
"So make sure that you don't get any shells into the pan with everything else." I cracked them carefully, sprouting another arm to help with pulling it open. The slimy yolk and egg whites slid out into the pan. One hand was still whisking. "Maybe sure they're all well incorporated." I told the audience as they "Oooh."ed as I sprinkled in a little salt. Everything needs salt. That's just a fact! "Ah… what else did we need…" I flicked my finger (despairing once more that I still can't snap right). "Sodium bicarbonate!" I sprinkled some in. "Potassium bitartrate… and… CORNSTARCH!" I dumped those in. Huh. Maybe I should have measured those… eh….
"Then just add flavoring!" I grinned. "Like herbs and spices if you want something special~" I wondered what kinda flavoring I should use. "Hey Father Time, what type of mud do you--" I squeaked as I felt him lick my arm. "W-w-w-what are you doing?!"
"This is good too!" He declared.
"Don't lick me without permission!" I shrieked, slapping him away. "How would you like it if I licked you?!"
He turned to me. "Could you?" He asked. I reared back. "No I'm not going to! Ewww! You're all… hairy!" He looked down at himself. "I'm not that hairy, am I?" He asked the hiserpent slithering past his legs. The snake-like creature hissed and continued trying to find a way to escape my kitchen. I scoffed. "Well I don't have ANY hair. So you're hairy by comparison!" I turned back to my pan, whisking everything. Father Time leaned over, pressing his face against the force field. "Ooh! Mud!!!!"
"It's yummy mud." I corrected him. "Nothing at all like that mix of water and soil you were rolling around in earlier. Why did you have mud in your Realm anyway? Where'd it come from?" I wondered. He shrugged, not knowing the answer either. "Eh, not important." I waved off. "So… what kinda flavoring do you want in your mud-brownies?" I asked.
"What's a flavor?" His response made me bury my face in my hands. "Okay… pretend to breathe Bill, you can do this…" I waved my hand and a list appeared. "Here's a bunch of random flavors. Just pick one." I handed him the list, hopefully he could read. Damn if I knew how he would even know considering he was created to run on a hamster wheel for all eternity. To my great relief, he knew how to read Common. "Ah… this says 'Cheese'. I don't know what that is, but I like the way it sounds. Cheeeeese~"
"....quite. Alright then!" I stretched, gathering all my hands back together. "Cheese brownies it is!" In another pan, I began to heat up some water. I placed another pan on top and then materialized some cream cheese. Heck, that was the easiest kind for baking right? Was it? Heck if I knew. But I warmed the cream cheese and began mixing it too. "Well, if we're gonna go with cheese, might as well try for a cheesecake." Which means...
"SOUR CREAM!" I pulled out a whole tub of the stuff and slammed my spoon right into it. I shoveled out a few scoops, because fuck measuring, into the cream cheese and began whisking them together. "So if you're making cheesecake, you need another egg--" I cracked another egg-fruit into the mix, "-and some more sugar, because how can you go wrong with more sugar?" I dashed it in. "I guess that's about it." I blinked down at the two batters.
"Well, now we just need to bake it!" I took out a large baking pan and carefully, meticulously fit some parchment paper into it. "Make sure you're careful with this part, nothing sucks more than the batter getting stuck inside the pan and then you can't get it out. Like, seriously sucks." I grumbled. So much wasted yumminess left behind in the pan...
"Can we eat the mud now?" Father Time whined, rubbing himself on the force field. "No! You're as bad as Pyronica I swear…" I grumbled. "There's raw egg in here. Even if there's no salmonella from egg-fruits, it'll still taste better if it's cooked!" I poured the batter into the pan and stirred them both together, not enough to truly mix them together, just swirl them. It looked quite pretty.
"And now, we bake." I went over to the oven and clicked the buttons to heat it. The oven let out a 'Clunk' sound and nothing happened.
"What?" I blinked and clicked the button again. "...Father Time…"
"Yeh?" He mumbled.
"...did you touch the oven?" I pointed at it. He shrugged. "I was bored."
"....fair." I sighed. "But now the oven's broken." And I could fix it, but what would be the fun in that? "Welp, looks like I'll have to bake this manually!" I chirped. I stretched, and grew, my bricks glowing as I went. Then a few bricks along my front opened up and revealed a glowing, pulsing core. I slid the baking pan inside myself and closed my bricks. "So, just bake at 176 celcius for like… I dunno… half a standard galactic hour?" Or something. Who knows.
Father Time whined. "That's gonna take forever~!" He seemed upset, but then a look of realization came over his face. "Wait! I'm Father Time!" And I stared as he materialized his Wheel and got in, running on it. I squeaked as I felt Time proceed at a faster rate than usual. Mainly, I felt the baking pan inside me pulse and the chemical reactions speeding up. "Ah! Heeheehee!" I clutched at my bricks. "T-that tickles!!!" I cackled and doubled over myself. Finally, my Bowtie 'Ding'ed and I practically spat out the pan. Ugh… internal baking felt so weird.
"Can we eat it now?" Father Time flopped off his wheel. I scoffed. "One sec!" And then, before that guy tried to call me out on that, I flicked my fingers and cut the brownies into little circles and arranged them nicely onto a plate. "There! Fine! We're done! Geez!" I flopped over onto the counter top. "Ruin my fun, why don't you?" I grumbled.
"So can I eat it~?" Father Time bounced in place. I waved a hand lazily. "Yeah, whatever."
"Yaaaay!" Father Time shoved the entire plate into his mouth. I grimaced and scooted further away as crumbs and saliva flew everywhere. "Yeah… never having you on as a guest again."
The ending credits began to roll. "Cooking with Bill is sponsored by Pitt Cola! Pitt Cola, it's the pitts!"
---
REFLEXIONES DE LOS CREADORES 
Mlzuum4
Mlzuum4 Ok, so I'm finally watching Star Vs the Forces of Evil, officially. I had only seen random episodes here and there, so now I'm finally buckling down to actually watch the full show.
I've read the Wiki and stuff, so I sort of know what's supposed to happen, but from what I've read, a lot of the last season was bullshit and there were a bunch of dumb decisions made in canon that I'm not happy with. So.... I'm scrapping all of it and gonna construct my own timeline.