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A thought occurred to me one day. While through some miracle, I actually have worshipers as Bill Cipher, they see me as a dark god and think it's super cool and edgy to worship me. I can't help but cringe in embarrassment over that. But what if I could be a benevolent god?
The idea wouldn't leave my head. Creating a new identity as a benevolent god. There was no saving my reputation as Bill so why not make a new one? I already have Miz as a registered citizen with her own bank account. Jan has proper identification as well. I kinda needed an ID if I wanted to receive money from his concerts. What's wrong with making more Identities? I'm already a god damned pop star so it can't get anymore embarrassing than that.
I suppose this means I'm over my aversion to creating false identities. I still pop by Dimension 52 to hang out with Tina and the others as Miz. They love seeing my new books. The fact that Jheselbraum knew who I really was and accepted me made me feel better about sort-of lying to them. My friendship with them wasn't faked, just my identity. Blue Rose got really into my comics and has been learning to draw her own. Her lack of fingers makes it somewhat difficult sadly but she refuses to give up. But regardless...
Obviously my new form would have to be something very different from Bill. I will also need to establish what SORT of god I was going to masquerade as. Well if I think of benevolent god-like creatures, the first thing that comes to mind is a dragon. I could imagine it now, a long serpentine body with antlers and claws...
Maybe not a full on dragon, I might scare some people. How about a dragonewt? I wanted to try that, partially because I wanted an excuse to go for something more humanoid. Having made up my mind that I was really going to do this, I blinked away to the Nightmare Realm where I can start building my new body without interruption. That weird head/hand monster was still there, ugh…I didn't think keeping that guy's head as a trophy would end up like this. I sent him flying away with a wave of my hand, he can't get inside my house but his constant babbling of "Get in my mouth" was distracting to work through. Finally alone, I set to work constructing this new body.
Since I'm making it based on an eastern Dragon I might as well make the body Asian. I essentially just used Miz as a base, made a coin flip to decide the sex (male), matured it up into a 'real' adult and altered it from there. I felt like I was creating an avatar for an RPG. I always made my characters a cute boy and this time was kinda like that. I briefly promise myself to make the next vessel female.
I blushed as I molded the particles before me into a form I found aesthetically attractive. An elegant young...dragonewt with long black hair and golden scales. I formed their antlers and tail while carefully making the cells divide and grow. I felt kind of dirty feeling up this body that I was going to be inhabiting but I couldn't help making the butt just a little bigger before adding feathers and more scales. Stop it Bill, that's enough, no need to put more junk in the trunk. When was the last time I got myself off? Like a few decades ago? Ah, that would explain it.
I float back to admire my handiwork. The empty shell floated before me. Hm...should probably add clothes. Clothes are a good idea. I dress him in a cheongsam and hum to myself. He's quite cute. Very humanoid in appearance. That should be fine though, there were plenty of human-looking species. As long as there was something non-human about them no one questions it.
Time to take this body for a test drive. My triangle form crumbles away as my consciousness dives into the newly created shell. My essence filled up the vessel and I feel myself connecting up to all the nerves in this flesh.
"Whoa..." I say as I wiggle my fingers and toes. This body felt different from Miz's or Jan's forms. It definitely felt nothing like William or Bill. I flicked my tail and grinned at the feeling. I had a tail! This is so cool! Well, I have a new form now. Which means I'll need to name it...how about...Xin. The mandarin pronunciation of Jan. That seemed appropriate.
Now how does a new god establish themselves? I guess I should go find a random planet to begin giving blessings to? Frankly I was just doing this because I wanted to know if it was possible for me to get worshipers that aren't moody teenagers that have issues with authority and what effects that would have on me. Would I still receive worship? Would being a benevolent god upset my powers? I wanted to know if there was some loop-hole I could use to do GOOD in the universe without feeling sick to my stomach.
I absently ran my hands over my new body, admiring my work. I liked it and I was hoping the universe would as well. Well, can't keep putting this off. Time to test my hypothesis that the main reason people hate me is simply due to my appearance.
---
I was right. I was fucking right!
I had gone to a primitive planet and sent my power down to help their crops grow. Nothing major, just some rain. There I was, dancing in the field as I made it rain lightly (which sounds simple but is absolutely complicated in practice, uuuugh~weather control is delicate as fuck 'cause if I'm even just a few degrees off it'll cause catastrophic storms). A few of the farmers noticed a stranger in their crop field and angrily asked who I was.
"I am called Xin." I replied with a smile as I stopped dancing, the rain stopping with me. I spun on my heel and vanished into mist right in front of the farmer's startled gaze. Invisibly I watched them for their reaction. It was positive. The main thought going through their minds was 'What a beautiful creature!'
I fumed angrily at the fact that even out in space, people simply react better to things they find attractive. Well what was wrong with a triangle then?! It's not like I was some hideous mass of flesh and eyes! I'm a yellow triangle! A dapper yellow triangle! But noooo~if I did this as a triangle they would think 'Oh no! A horrible beast!' But as a sexy dragonewt they're like 'Ooh so pretty!'
I am in despair! The universe that judges people based on physical appearance has left me in despair!
Despite this, I stuck around and continued helping both these farmers and others. I danced and made the rain fall. It was actually pretty soothing. I didn't make it rain everyday of course, that would cause flooding even if my rain was more like sun-showers. I also didn't want to mess with their atmospheric pressure too much in case of any long lasting effects, I was always careful with my manipulation of the temperature and climate but still…
I worked on this little side project for several centuries and I've managed to boost their crop yield, gain their admiration and worship. I didn't even need to call myself a god. Just dance and make it rain while secretly sending my power into the soil to help boost it's health.
It was...weird to be worshiped in such a positive way. Bill's edgy (Ha! Edge! Get it?) teenage worshipers tend to go out and cause trouble, breaking and entering, acts of violence and generally being fucking assholes. I've been forced to step in and give them a good Cursing for using my name for such horrid acts (if anyone notices the sudden boost in aurophobia they don't seem to be talking about it). Stop making my reputation worse you little shits! At least the witches on the Penis Planet™ did their own thing and didn't really cause problems.
Xin's worshipers were more of what I expected. I watched them set up shrines, just slabs of stone made into an altar on which they placed a few crops from the harvest. I went down and ate them (they were for me so why not?) and they seemed happy enough. My powers were surprisingly content with this set-up. My 'deception' of 'pretending' to be a benevolent deity made my core hum in approval.
I subtly placed triangles on the underside of the shrines so I'll be alerted if anyone prays to me. I didn't spend all my time on that planet of course, I just popped by to check on them and dance when it looked like they needed help. Hm. Somehow I thought being a god would require more work. This kinda feels...boring.
Well whatever, this'll just be a side project I can pop by to check on now and then. I have so many side projects it's not even funny (is that spy construct I sent to infiltrate the Federation still there? Yes he is). Juggling multiple identities is a lot of work but I needed some way to occupy my time. The Earth was still in it's shiver-star phase and I keep making more tasks for myself while I wait for humanity. It's gonna take forever~
I turn back into a triangle and head home.
---
I was watching TV one afternoon when I felt someone approach my shrine and start praying. "Oh benevolent rain god, I know this is not your domain but please grant my mate safety when he goes out hunting today."
Well...it's not like I CAN'T grant that request...it's not a Deal but I'm perfectly capable of doing Blessings (which were really just altered Curses). Besides, feeding off their worship technically counts as being 'paid' for my services. I can feed off emotions for energy after all, my body prefers the darker ones like Fear and Despair, but Worshipful Awe apparently worked wonders for filling me up.
I nibbled on her Emotions and mused at the flavor. Not bad I guess. I shook myself back out of my 'Sight' to refocus on where I am. Teeth was poking me. "What were you looking at this time?" He asks.
"Nothing much. I just need to go check on something."
My friend nodded, long used to me just leaving for various errands. Sometimes they ask what I'm up to but after a few of my 'errands' ended up on live television with screaming reporters and entire cities wiped off the map they've stopped asking.
There are many creatures in the multiverse who wonder why the Federation hasn't sent in a huge military force to take me down. Time Baby, in one of the rare instances of helpfulness, always shoots down any plans the rest of the council make against me. At least he honors our Deal. So long as I don't threaten the fabric of reality, he's content to let me do what I want. It doesn't stop him from arresting me when I commit major crimes or mess with his precious timeline but I know him well enough to avoid those. I have my friends to take care of now. I have my family. I cannot afford to get arrested and leave them all alone.
It's not like I cause deaths all that often right? The only times I really go out with the intent to kill is when Time Baby demands I do so. If that jerk ever tries to let people fight me he knows it'll only result in more loss of life. It doesn't stop "Justice" seekers and other idiots from attacking me when I'm out in public, I don't even kill them. Clearly letting them live is a mercy they don't deserve.
Though many of them will never function properly ever again.
Anyway, I teleport to my shrine, shifting forms along the way and materialize above the shrine. My worshiper jumps back in surprise. Shehe (this race had 5 different sexes made from different mixes of masculine and feminine features) stares at me in awe. I smiled kindly at herhim.
"Give this to your mate and they shall remain safe." I tell them as I pull off one of my scales. It stung a little but didn't really hurt. Shehe stares at me as I drop my scale into their hands. "T-thank you divine one!" I could feel a huge burst of worship that made me shiver a little. Potent stuff. Tasted somewhat like...really thick spongecake with a hint of cinnamon?
I vanished into mist again. No sense staying longer, I'm not due for another rain-dance for at least a week.
I'm glad this was quick, the commercial break is ending soon and I didn't want to miss the new episode of Demon Baby Fights. TubbyTummy called out his rival DiePerr (short for DiaperRash) for stealing his cookies last time and things were getting intense. Teeth and I have a bet going on whether or not the show is going to pull a plot twist and reveal that it was really Giggles who stole TubbyTummy's cookies. Teeth thinks there's no way the writers would allow something so cruel to develop in the storyline. Keyhole just wants to see if Giggles and Tubby's romantic subplot was going to be resolved anytime soon.
I grin to myself as I plop back on the couch just in time for the theme song to start.
---
"I can't believe this bullshit!!" Teeth screamed at the tv. I was laughing so hard I fell off the couch. Teeth continued seething. "No! I won't accept this!"
Keyhole was just staring with wide eyes, unable to believe what we just watched.
"AHAHAHAHA! Oh god my SIDES!" I gasped on the ground.
"ChewToy came back from the dead?! How?! They clearly salt and burned his remains during the last season finale! I am so mad right now!!" Teeth continues ranting.
"I totally called it! AHAHAHA! I told you the bite marks on the edge of the crib were intentional foreshadowing!" I floated off the ground kicking my little legs.
"Dammit Bill aren't you at LEAST a little upset by this ass pull the writers just did?!"
"Oh I am very angry actually. But at the same time I'm glad because now Tubby gets to complete his character arc. Sure the writers COULD have found a less obscure way to pull this off but after ChubbyCheeks got exorcised a few episodes ago they needed to find SOMEONE to fill his spot in the 72 Pillars of Hell."
"What even the FUCK are you two talking about?!" Pyronica groans as she walks into the living room. "I can hear you two yelling from my room. It's JUST a wrestling show! It's not that big a deal."
Teeth, Keyhole and I turned to stare at her. "N-not a big deal?!" Teeth cries in horror.
"You don't get it Roni! The writers have been teasing us with the reveal for what really happened to the cookies for like half a season now!" I waved my arms to show just how big a deal this was.
"You realize I have no idea what you two are talking about." She deadpans. "Wrestling's fake anyway."
Teeth and Keyhole try to catch her up on the story so far (with really bad summaries and explanations) while I just roll my eye and go get some more snacks before the commercial break ends. I passed Kryptos in the halls carrying a huge stack of books.
I could see him tipping over so I levitate them before he dropped them all. "Whoa there kid, don't hurt yourself."
"Oh, thanks Bill." He grins and pokes at the floating stack of books. "Um...can you help me get these to my room?"
"No prob." We head off and Kryptos asks what all the shouting was about.
"New episode of Demon Baby Fights. Teeth, Keyhole and I got a little too into it." I shrug.
Kryptos scrunched his face up. "I don't understand how you guys can like that show. You know wrestling is fake right?"
"Oh course it's scripted. It doesn't make the fights any less intense."
"I doubt any of the fights on that show are very accurate to real combat anyway." Kryptos rolls his eyes. I laugh. "They're definitely not. It's just mindless violence and fun."
"Well I guess to each their own. I don't personally get it but I'm glad you're having fun." The compass manages a small laugh.
"So what're all these books for? Did you rob a library?"
"No!" Kryptos says defensively. "I was actually thinking of..." He mumbles something in embarrassment. I still caught it though.
"You're trying to get into college?" I blink at him in surprise. He flushes dark indigo. "Shhhh! I don't want the others to know! They'll laugh!"
"Why do you think they'll laugh?"
"Because...it's silly..." He says as he rubs his hands together.
"It's not silly to want to go to college. There's nothing wrong with learning." I assure him. Keyhole didn't know what he wanted to do after school. He only knew that he didn't want MORE school so he's mainly hanging out around the house doing chores. I think the kid feels bad for essentially mooching off me despite my assurances that I was more than happy to take care of him (oh my god am I a sugar daddy?! Ew!), I find him looking at job flyers for simple entry level stuff. I need to talk to him about finding his passion for what he wants to do.
Most of my friends don't have real jobs. Why work when you've got a demon-god willing to support you after all? Still, they sometimes find small places to work at to earn personal spending money. Teeth gets paid for any show he works in for his theater troupe. Hectorgon's been playing the credit market. Pyronica has done a few small gigs as a model, she has no desire to go full time due to how controlling it was. Kryptos has been working on some papers examining his own electrical powers and sometimes writes for a magazine. Xanthar sadly cannot really find a job by himself. Ammy has done a few stints with being a Delivery Man. It worked out great for him, his Storage and Transport blocks making every shipping company he's briefly worked with begging him to come back. Even food delivery places wanted him. He recently asked me to give him a new Block with Built-in-Heating.
Kryptos looks at me in amazement. "Y-you don't think it's silly?"
"Why would I?" I asked, honestly surprised that he would think such a thing. "I'm a god of Knowledge." I point out.
"That was actually the reason why I thought you would laugh at me..."
"Why?"
"B-because you already know everything! If...if I wanted to learn anything I could just ask you...but instead I want to go off to college and struggle to learn stuff myself...like a waste of time..." He says morosely.
I pat his head. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to go to school. There's nothing wrong with wanting to learn things on your own. Geez. You nerd~" I grin at him. He grins back, more relaxed.
"Which school were you thinking of? Do you need me to help with anything?"
"I'm fine for now Bill." Kryptos flushes adorably.
"Well if you need a tutor or anything, you know where I am." I tell him before helping him place the books down in his room. "Or financial help. I don't want you taking out loans unnecessarily."
He laughs "Don't worry. I've been saving up, and if I do well enough on the exam I can get a full scholarship."
I wipe an imaginary tear from my eye. "Oh my little baby's growing up and applying to college~"
"Bill~!" He whines even as he laughs.
"Well I'll leave you to your studying kid. Don't get so engrossed that you forget dinner ok? I'm making Ramen tonight~"
"I wouldn't miss your Ramen for anything Bill." He laughs as I float away to continue my journey to the kitchen.
I grab some bread to make sandwiches and pour another bowl of chips. Waving my hand to get some Nitrogen'd Tea from the fridge I float my snacks back to the living room.
Teeth and Keyhole were having an intense debate on where the storyline was going to go from here. We still had another half hour before the episode ends. I put the snacks down and the three of us settled down as the commercial break ended. I notice Pyronica had already left, probably fed up with us.
Hectorgon hops into the room and sighs. "When are you guys gonna be done with the tv? I wanna watch the news later."
"Just look it up on your laptop like a normal person." I wave him off. Hectorgon coughs awkwardly. "My...laptop crashed."
"Again?! This is the 3rd time in just a month!" I groan. "Quit looking up weird porn! Your poor laptop's full of so many viruses it's like a walking STD!" You'd think he'd be able to virus block his tech, what with his hacking abilities but something about porn sites always messed him up.
He has the decency to look sheepish. Keyhole makes a disgusted face. "Ew. That's...really gross man..."
"Hey, you don't see me callin' you out for YOUR sick tastes." Hectorgon directs at Keyhole, who flushes as I turn orange and cover my sides where ears would be if I had any. "Let's not talk about Keyhole's tastes right now. There is FOOD present!" I cry in embarrassment.
"Guys shut up about your stupid porn! The show's back!" Teeth chatters as he bounces on his seat excitedly. We stare at the screen, enraptured as ChewToy confronts Tubby about how he left him to die last season. DiePerr was groaning on the ground, having just lost an intense fight with TubbyTummy.
"So...when can I get the tv?" Hectorgon asks. Keyhole shushed him.
The red hexagonal Polysphere sighs sadly as we ignore him. "At least fix my laptop Bill? Please? This virus literally fried my hard drive. It is PHYSICALLY broken."
"You're just going to fill it with Gnome porn again."
"....they're Dwarves. There's a difference."
"Don't care." I munch on some chips.
"Why don't we have more than one TV in this house?" Hectorgon complains.
"Oh we do, they're in the TV room." I comment, my eye not leaving the screen as ChewToy screams and tackles his old friend/partner.
"There's a tv room?"
"It's through that painting in the hallway that looks like a bowl of fruit. Just tickle the pear."
"Where do you come up with this stuff?" Hectorgon mutters as he hops away.
"I read fantasy novels." I shout at him as he leaves.
We hoot loudly when ChewToy bites Tubby's ear off. Wrestling is fake my perfect ass! This shit's brutal! As ChewToy roars in triumph over TubbyTummy's moaning form, Giggles screamed in rage and tackles the other demon. She loudly declares vengeance for the mutilation of her 'sort of maybe boyfriend' and tears ChewToy's face off.
"Oooh~" Teeth winces. "Now THAT'S gotta hurt..."
"Their special effects are so well done. It looks so real." Keyhole remarks as he munches on chips. I decide not to tell him those weren't special effects.
"Man, demons are SO cool!" Teeth gushes. I laugh. "Seriously, what IS it with you and demons?"
"They're just so cool you know?" Teeth says before realizing who he's talking to. "I mean...they're not as cool as YOU Bill..."
"Pssh~I wear a bowtie. That automatically makes me the coolest guy here." I grin as I flick said bowtie. It spins delightfully.
On screen Giggles pile drives ChewToy into the mat. She pins him there with her pinchers and screeches in his face. Keyhole pumps his fists into the air. "Fuck yeah! Tear his head off!!!" We yell at the screen like lunatics, Teeth can't even sit still and just jumps on the sofa with hype. I get worried the furniture won't survive the end of this episode. Commercial break comes to give us a chance to breathe.
"Oh man, I KNEW Giggles didn't steal Tubby's cookies! They love each other too much." Keyhole bounces in his seat with pent up energy.
"Ok, bets now, who'll win?" Teeth asks.
"Giggles." Keyhole declares.
"I think ChewToy's gonna get killed off again." I say.
"Why do you think that?" Teeth asks.
"Well it feels like the writers only brought him back for a twist reveal to tie up that hanging plot thread, plus, the show is due for a new character so either they kill off ChewToy or they have to get rid of another character to make room. There's no way they'd keep ChewToy since he isn't that well liked to begin with..."
"Alright fine~" Teeth grumbles. "You're probably right..."
"I hope Tubby and Giggles stay teamed up as a power couple. The only other real couple we have is Squeakie and HighChair." Keyhole grins.
"Sssh! The show's back." I hiss.
On screen ChewToy desperately tries to get away from Giggles and TubbyTummy's tag-team against him. It seemed like the writers were going to kill him off for real after this. I give Teeth a smug look. He pouts at me.
We watch as some of the other demon babies show up so they can banish ChewToy together. I was mildly impressed that their sacrificial circle was on point. Most shows just drew a sinister looking circle without actually seeing if it was accurate to real mystic runes. The circle glows as the babies chanted.
".ʜƨɘm bnɒ ƨliɘv ɘʜɈ bnoγɘd moɿᆿ .wɘn ɘnoɘmoƨ ƨυ bnɘƧ .ʜƨɘlʇ ƨiʜ ɘʞɒɈ bnɒ ɘʇil ƨiʜ ɘʞɒT .υoγ oɈ Ɉƨɒɘd ƨiʜɈ ɘviϱ ɘW"
There was a flash of red light and we hear ChewToy's agonized screams. A deep rumbling laughter starts up as a shadow forms inside the circle. A figure appears, large horns and glowing eyes. It roars.
"I have butchered millions on countless moons!"
The new demon removes the large pacifier from his stomach area and screeches. He gobbles up ChewToy as the other demons roar in approval. They begin rampaging and destroying the fighting ring, things are set on fire and the theme plays to mark the end of the episode.
Teeth makes half strangled excited sounds. "Omigosh! Omigosh! New demon! He's sooo cool!!!!"
"I am so hyped for next week's episode!" Keyhole rolled around on the ground kicking his little feet.
"Damn, I wonder what the new demon's name is?" Teeth eats the last of our sandwiches.
I just stare numbly at the screen.
"His name is PaciFire." I respond in a daze.
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