IT WAS NEARLY 9:00 p.m. and a frigid wind was blowing outside.
The lights at each end of the staircase faintly illuminated my footing, but due to the snow, it was hard to say that I was safe. I climbed up dozens of steps, stepping on the snow to avoid falling. There probably weren't many people who enjoyed coming here at this time of day.
In the darkness, I arrived at a slightly spacious hill where people couldn't see their own breath.
On the wooden deck, I found someone.
They were perhaps gazing out at the scenery, but the darkness made it look rather sorrowful. Naturally, there were no other people around.
I heard that they were present at mealtime. I began to wonder, how long had they been here. The sound of the wind was so strong that they didn't seem to notice my approach.
I stomped my foot on the ground as hard as I could to announce my presence so as not to startle them. I wondered if the sound reached their ears at all. When their body showed a reaction, I decided to call out to them.
"Can I sit next to you?"
"Oh! Ayanokōji-kun?"
"What a coincidence."
"Y-yes, coincidence."
Ichinose awkwardly let her gaze wander off into the nightscape.
"My bad, it's not really a coincidence. Amikura and the others were making a fuss that they couldn't find you. I just wanted to call out to you to chat until lights out."
"Oh, yeah? What's going on? Am I making a scene?"
"A little. I'll just send her a message for now. That should put Amikura at ease."
"Have you exchanged contact information… With Mako-chan?"
"We're in the same group for the school trip. I needed a way to get in touch with her."
I sent a message saying that I had found Ichinose and that I would be back by 9:00 p.m., so they didn't need to worry. As soon as I sent the message, it was read. When Amikura learned that everything was okay, she sent two stamps of relief.
"She got the message. At least now the ruckus should be over."
"I'm sorry."
"No problem. This is the inn's property and we're not breaking curfew. As long as you're back by 9:00, it's your business."
"Yeah, thanks..."
I guess it was understandable that she wasn't attempting to go back inside just because people were worried about her. School trips are fun, but you inevitably have to share a lot of your time with students.
"Everyone has times when they want to be alone. In that sense, I'm probably intruding on your privacy."
To these words, Ichinose was silent.
She just continued to gaze upon the nightscape.
"It's cold."
"...Yes. It's cold."
Even through my gloves, I felt a piercing shiver as the wind blew.
"How long have you been here?"
"I don't know... Maybe five minutes."
She answered, but she seemed to think that I would immediately recognize her lie, so she corrected herself in a frustrated manner.
"Sorry, I might've been here for 30 or 40 minutes."
"I'm sure you're right. At first glance, there aren't any footprints to be found."
I had no proof that Ichinose was here at all until I came up the stairs. If it had been a few minutes earlier, I would've clearly recognized the footprints, even in the dark.
The wind was still strong, though the snow that had been falling was slowly coming to a stop.
"What I'm saying is probably obvious, but you're going to catch a cold if you stay too long."
"Right..."
She muttered to herself in agreement, but there was no indication that she was going to heed my advice.
Soon after, the snow seemed to be coming to a stop. But this would only be temporary. The forecast was calling for a strong snowstorm soon.
"Talk about a wild goose chase, what are you thinking about while taking in the night view all by yourself?"
I had a rough idea of what to expect, but I wouldn't know for certain unless I heard it from her own mouth.
I asked her, but Ichinose didn't immediately answer. She just admired the scenery without glancing back.
"I think I want to be… By myself for right now."
A mild rejection. She urged me to walk away, saying she doesn't want to talk to anyone.
Or maybe she was just saying that she didn't want me near her.
"I don't think I'm going to leave you alone right now. It's especially dangerous on the way down."
"Thank you for your concern, but Karuizawa-san would be upset if she knew that you and I were alone in a place like this. I definitely don't want that."
At first glance, nobody would go this far unless they had another reason; I guess it was that sort of issue. It seems to be in her nature to care about others even at a time like this.
"Certainly, if Kei sees me, she'll misunderstand."
"Yes."
"Are you sure about wanting me to leave?"
"Yes."
Ichinose answered with the same terse answer, still not averting her gaze from the peaceful view.
I quickly pulled away and turned my back.
"I'm going back then. Just make sure you're back by 9:00."
"Thanks, I'll be careful."
As I took my first steps, the snow that had momentarily stopped began to fall again. The snow came down even stronger than before.
I spun back around and looked at the back of Ichinose's figure, which had remained frozen in place since I found her here.
She had become much smaller and weaker. When was the last time I saw the Ichinose Honami that was so full of life when she first entered the school?
It wasn't that something happened on the school trip, but rather an accumulation. The water that had been collecting in the cracked cup was beginning to overflow. It would be easy to walk away here, but this was a turning point.
Ichinose's emotions, which have been eroding and constricting her, reached a critical point, as far as I could see.
It wasn't simply that the water was overflowing. If the crack widened and the cup shattered, restoration may not be possible.
In other words, Ichinose's class will be finished, and her path to Class A will close.
This wasn't the time for her class's downfall.
That would be a problem for my plan.
"I'll wait here." I said and sat down on the stairs leading to the inn.
"Why?"
"I wonder why."
"My affairs are none of your business, are they?
Why are you waiting...?"
"I don't know."
I had nothing to say to her then. I knew she wanted to push me away, but since she had no coercive power, Ichinose had no choice but to give up.
If she really didn't want to be with me, the best choice was to walk away.
A few minutes passed in silence. Nothing really happened.
"All we're doing is chatting... Right?"
Either she couldn't stand the silence between the two of us, or she decided that she had no choice. In a voice so low that it could've been missed, as if she had been thinking to herself, Ichinose muttered something.
"Actually, I've been wanting to ask you something for a long time."
It was much better than being left in silence until curfew. It would also help to drown out the chill of the snow that was freezing my butt.
"Have you ever heard of the White Room...?"
I wondered what kind of conversation would result from this situation, but the words that came out were far too unexpected and completely diverged from some of the assumptions I had floating around.
Why, out of everyone, would Ichinose ever utter the words "White Room"?
For a moment, Sakayanagi's image flashed through my mind. There were some situations where the class leaders were getting to know each other, such as cooperation between classes these days. But I don't think she would easily talk about such things.
If that was the case, then...
I recalled that she was threatened by Tsukishiro during the Uninhabited Island Special Exam. I wouldn't be surprised if she had memorized 'the White Room' from that incident.
"I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"I see. If you don't understand, Ayanokōji-kun, don't worry about it. I may have misheard."
Ichinose's words suddenly stopped under the cold sky. She then let out a breath. I wasn't sure whether or not she completely believed my answer.
Just to be sure, it would be better if I planted some ideas myself.
"Where did you hear those words?"
I cut in to divulge that it was something I had no recollection of. If she didn't answer honestly, that was enough to stop me from pursuing the matter.
"I heard the former acting chairman and Shiba-sensei talking during the Uninhabited Island Exam. There were few parts I could hear clearly, but I heard that he wanted to expel you and the words 'White Room.' I was curious, so I did some searching, but I couldn't find anything that sounded like it, so I guess I heard wrong?"
"I doubt you heard it right. At least I can't think of any similar words."
If she even did the research herself, she was likely half-convinced that it was inconsistent with her memory.
"But why were the teachers trying to expel you? Are you out of trouble now?"
She's probably been meaning to ask that for a long time too. But because of what happened with Kei, Ichinose seemed to have pushed the question to the back of her mind.
"That matter is taken care of. I can't go into details, but there's no problem."
I could sense that there was another secret, separate from the White Room. It would be more troublesome later on if the former situation was leaked to the outside world.
"I see...."
I could see her shock when she thought she might've been considered as someone with whom I couldn't confide a secret with.
Continuing with these topics wouldn't benefit Ichinose, so this time I asked her a question.
"I have a question for you, too. The Ichinose I know isn't the kind of person who shivers in loneliness in a place like this. She's the kind of student who's surrounded by friends, laughing and encouraging each other. How long do you plan on staying here?"
"I'm having fun."
"That's not what it looked like when I saw your demeanor earlier. I don't think it was the kind of face you should show on a school trip that's all about enjoying yourself."
Even this kind of exchange was likely necessary for Ichinose right now. To expose the parts of herself that she normally wanted to keep to herself and couldn't talk about with anyone.
This was something that Ichinose, who continued to be under pressure as a class leader, continued to hold onto.
"Are you really going to continue waiting there?"
"Yes. I'll be with you when I get off."
"I see. Well, at least come over here. Your butt is probably getting cold."
"That's a nice offer. I was indeed freezing my butt off."
I hurriedly stood up, brushed the snow off my butt, and stood next to Ichinose.
Ichinose's side profile hadn't changed from earlier.
When I checked my cell phone earlier, the time was about 8:40. Calculating the time it would take to return, it looked like we could stay here for another 10 minutes or so.
If we were to stand in silence until the time limit, that would be fine, too. With the intention of staying with Ichinose until the end, I decided to wait for her reaction.
Every time the wind blew, snow danced in the air. After a few dozen seconds, Ichinose opened her mouth. A puff of white breath scattered in the air.
"With my way of doing things, I can't beat any class anymore. That's what I was thinking."
An unintentional tear trickled down Ichinose's cheek.
"You can't win, huh? I thought you were going to continue forward as you were without hesitation."
"But because of that..."
Ichinose spun her words, though they were faltering.
"Yes, that's right. But results don't follow. Our class is definitely moving farther away from Class A. This is obvious to everyone."
"And that the cause of this is your own approach."
"If only I could command my classmates like Sakayanagi-san. If only I could lead as strongly as Ryūen-kun. If only I could coordinate like Horikita-san. I can't help but think like that."
"That's asking for something you don't have. You can only be yourself; you can't be anyone else."
She knew this without having to say it. But there are times when you have to hear it, even if you know it.
"It's what I don't have. Yeah, right. I want to be what I'm not."
"Even if you have to change yourself?"
"If I can win, I'll… Still be fine."
Ichinose wanted to change. Whether it was right or wrong was secondary, she was just desperate to break through. Normally, this wouldn't have been a situation where I would've reached out to her.
However, the confession I received from Ichinose on the Uninhabited Island led to several unexpected events, which was the main reason she had become so weak. There were still more than three months to go until the promise I made with Ichinose.
*Illustration
Will she be able to get through this without any help until then?
No, this wasn't a situation in which we should be hopeful.
Right now, Ichinose's heart was on the verge of breaking. The effects of the poison had begun to spread throughout her body faster than I anticipated.
Her love for me and the presence of Karuizawa Kei.
The class was on a downward spiral, with no chance of rising to the top. Although Kanzaki and Himeno were starting to make a move, there won't be enough time for the growth of their fellow students.
As a student council member, I can't see what'll happen to her in the future. The road ahead will be very difficult. She seems to be trapped from all sides. Her future is shrouded in fog.
"I'm so frustrated..."
Her helplessness struck Ichinose with an intense sense of guilt.
If this was a problem that only she had to deal with, she would just be depressed. But Ichinose, who was leading the class, cannot allow that. She was responsible for the whole class's failures. It was because she thought that way that this phenomenon occurred.
"I'm sorry, Ayanokōji-kun..."
Her trembling voice strongly conveyed her regret.
"What are you apologizing for?"
"Many, many things. Crying like this only troubles you."
Ichinose was supposed to be stronger and more intelligent. Her hidden potential had completely disappeared because of a heart being too fragile. A fatal weakness.
Neither Horikita, Ryūen, nor Sakayanagi, who walk in front of the pack, will stand still and allow her to catch up. It would be excruciatingly painful to struggle, suffer, and collapse in place behind them. A gentle reminder that working hard will no longer relieve her of this heavy responsibility. If Ichinose was to lose both her legs, she'd be finished for good.
It was too early to tell, however… This wasn't the right time.
You aren't allowed to collapse right now, Ichinose. I won't let you stop until the final exam, the time that will decide the fate of the second-year students. I won't allow you to break down before then.
You are the one who decides the time and place of your life or death as a student, but not "you".
I closed the distance between us and extended my arm to her back as she endured her misery.
Then, I put my hand on her right shoulder and pulled her into a hug.
"W-what? Ayanokōji-kun!?"
"When you're in pain, cry. You can ask for help. Everyone has a weakness."
"It's… But…"
Ichinose bit her lip, which was beginning to turn a pale blue, and swallowed her words. Her body tried to flee in the opposite direction, but her strength was feeble.
"Isn't there something you want?"
"I… No. What I wanted is no longer..."
"You can't get it anymore?"
She desperately tried to suppress the words overflowing from the back of her throat, or rather the depths of her heart. Still, Ichinose nodded her head only slightly, probably not intending to answer.
"That doesn't matter anymore. That's what I think."
"But..."
"If you don't have the courage to take the first step, I can give you a hand."
I wiped the tears that were running down her cheeks with my fingertips. They were so cold that they felt like they were going to freeze.
She no longer had the strength to run away. Rather, she relaxed and surrendered herself to me, leaving everything in my hands.
Gazing at the snowy nightscape in a distant land.
On this day, we learned of each other's warmth by huddling together under the cold night sky.