Capítulo 54: 52. Darkness of the heart
Saturday, 25th. April. 2015
Jin helped me into the back seat of his car before telling me he'd be back soon. I was left there next to a drunken and semi-naked Jimin. Great.
"Why are you just wearing a silk robe with no shirt on?" I questioned.
"It was too hot. And besides, I'm still wearing pants. The silk feels nice too," Jimin lulled his head aside to look at me. I gave a huff, unable to stop thinking about earlier on in the night. I was still upset.
"If there's something you want to say, spit it out." His relaxed and playful demeanour switched to a hard glare.
"There's nothing," I lied.
"It's about Aera, isn't it?" Jimin questioned, face straight. What was he thinking? He couldn't be serious right now.
"Mm. Obviously. If you're going to come and see her, don't ask me to join too."
"It's all just a bit of fun. I don't have any feelings for her. You're the one I like, so I don't see why you're so upset." He glanced away and shrugged, as though I was merely overreacting, which only made me more upset. But I had to hold back the urge to cry, hold back the hurt bubbling inside my heart.
"Doesn't seem like just that. You may as well have been fucking her over the table. You were flirting so hard," I huffed.
"Does it really make you that jealous?" He asked. Looking at me once again. Corner of his lip tugging as though resisting the urge to smirk.
"No. I'm not jealous," I denied it completely. But I knew it wasn't true. And Jimin wasn't buying it either. "Admit it. You want me all to yourself, don't you?"
Sitting here face to face with Jimin, desperately lying to him and me. The glint in his gaze and the hesitation that's trembling through me. He can see it all. We both knew the truth. "Fine. I'm jealous. You're right. I want you all to myself. I like you so much it drives me crazy."
He tilted his head, and his eyes unexpectedly softened. "There, doesn't it feel better to finally say it?"
No. no it didn't. I couldn't hold back my frustration any more. "I'm so mad at you! Why would you do that?!"
"Well, I'm mad at you too. If you like me so much, why don't you act like it!" He snapped back.
"Because-" I stopped, Was he right? Why? I couldn't think clearly. He was muddling me up so badly right now.
"Come here," Jimin grabbed my wrist and yanked it.
"What is it?" I scowled, fumbling as I was left no choice but to climb onto his lap and straddled his thighs. The leather of the seats rubbed hot on my knees. He paused for a moment, gaze steadying mine.
"Fuck me until you're not mad anymore," Jimin muttered as he cupped my head and pulled me closer. What?
"That's not how-" it cut me off as Jimin shoved his tongue into my mouth. My head spun, my frustration and hurt and want for him all twisting, wrapping me up and I was left with no way to let it out other than to kiss him back just as fiercely.
"You're the worst, Jimin.." I muttered as our lips parted for us to catch our breaths. I meant it.
"No you are," He whispered against my lips, hand now hastily unbuckling his pants. Before I could reply, he forced his tongue back into my mouth, my entire body tingling under him. I blindly ran my hands down his chest until I had his hard dick in my hand. He groaned into my mouth as I gave it a few pumps, then he hooked his arm behind my back and shifted me closer with ease. I ground down on him and the feeling of it twitching between the fabric of my underwear was only making me more needy for him to be inside me.
I wanted Jimin to fuck me, to look at me like I was the only girl in the world. To kiss me like he wants to devour every inch of me. Just like he was right now.
"Jimin," I breathed, pulling away as I tried to move my underwear aside.
"Aw baby girl, having trouble, are we?" He licked at his top lip as though amused at watching me struggle but not lifting a finger to help me. He merely readjusted, flexing his hips and sliding down the seat a bit more.
I gave his nipple a pinch and laughed when he slapped my hand away. "Ouch. Don't be cheeky, or you'll be in for it. I'm serious," He warned.
"Then help me," I pouted, giving up on trying to hold my underwear aside and put his dick in me at the same time. I was too drunk to be multitasking right now.
"Ask nicely," He said sweetly.
"Pleasee Jimine." I cling to his shoulders and mewled in his ear. I rubbed myself all over him and begged for it like the needy little girl I knew he wanted me to be. "Pleasee, wan you so bad Jimine."
"Where? Show me where you want me, baby," Jimin laid soft kisses down my neck. A shiver ran through me as I pulled away and lifted my skirt to show him. His gaze glazed over, bottom lip caught between his teeth as he watched me spread my thighs and push my finger into the wet patch of my underwear.
"See? Right here.." I pouted cutely.
"Aww babyyy, you're such a little mess down there," Jimin scrunched his face in a cute close-eyed smile. And before I could say any more, he tugged my underwear aside with ease, cupped my hip and guided me to sit on the tip of him. I clung to him and gasped as he broke me in. Slowly but surely breaking his way further into me, until he bottomed out, and I felt my clit rub against him.
"Fuck," I whined, almost collapsing at how he had jammed his dick so deeply into me. The windows had fogged up and my skin felt so flushed and sticky.
"Hold on nice and tight, okay baby," Jimin said sweetly, caressing my cheek and giving it a kiss before he grabbed onto my hips and suddenly readjusted. I did as he said and wrapped my arms around his shoulders and buried my face in his neck, right in the crevice where it smelt like him. He was slow at first, easing his hips back and forth, teasing me. I could feel every movement, every inch of me, that his dick reached.
I panted his name over and over as he smoothly worked his way into me. Until he was hitting so deep that he had to hold me up by the hips to steady me as he fucked into me faster and harder. Tears prickled at the corner of my eyes as Jimin made sweet, husky love to me. I held on to him, infatuated. As though he was all I had. All I could see, all I could feel. The sweetness of relinquishing my body and heart to him was like an overdose of an aphrodisiac.
"Jimin, wait, please," I begged, my emotions overwhelming me. His movements slowed down, then came to a stop. I raised my head. He was sweaty, panting, eyes blown out as he looked at me to see if I was okay.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Jimin gently pushed my hair back. I could feel the sweaty stickiness of our skin from the heat in the car.
"I.. I just, I think I love you.." My bottom lip trembled as the words left me. I was so overwhelmed, my body was on fire. I was sitting there with Jimin's dick still buried so deep in me, yet the soft lilt when he looked at me was only shaking my heart even more.
"I love you too. I always will. It's okay if you wanna cry," Jimin's gentle words were from the heart. They weakened me, and he pulled me closer and held me against his chest. I felt a cool, yet refreshing breeze hit my damp skin as he cracked the window down a little.
Jimin softly played with my hair for a while as we lay in each others hold in silence. Once we'd cooled down and our sweaty bodies had dried, the air became colder. I felt the warmth of his jacket as he wrapped me up under it with him.
"Jia, can I be honest?" Jimin mumbled into my hair.
"Mm," I tilted my head up to peek at him.
"I'm so sleepy, I dono how much longer I can last." His eyes were closed and his voice was much weaker than before.
"It's okay, sleep Jimine," I whispered before softly kissing his cheek. He gave a sleepy moan as I did, so I crawled back out from under his jacket and wrapped him back up in it. Jimin flashed me a sleepy smile before closing his eyes again and laying his head on the side of the backseat. I fixed my underwear and slid back into the seat beside him.
Suddenly, the driver's side door swung open and Jin's face poked in. He looked at Jimin and I, said nothing, then closed the door again. I quickly got out of the car. Jin had opened the trunk and was putting a few bags in there.
"Jin, what took you so long?" I asked as I peered into the back to get a better look at what he was packing away.
"Nothing exciting. Have you sobered up? You smell like sex," Jin shoved the bags further into the trunk before closing the boot and turning to look at me.
"Uhhh. I'm sober. We had sex. I don't know what you expected, leaving me in the back of the car with him," I said, half being honest, half trying to defend myself.
"You're right, it's my fault Jimin jumped you. Did you enjoy it at least?" Jin raised an inquisitively playful brow. I scoffed a laugh.
"Yeah, I ended up crying. I don't know what's wrong with me these days," I admitted. Recalling the overwhelming feelings I'd had halfway through being fucked by Jimin.
"Jia, can I take you somewhere before I drop you at home? There's something I want to show you." Jin asked. It seemed so out of the blue, so I tried to get him to tell me where it was, but he refused to say, not until we got there.
Jimin was fast asleep in the back seat as we set off. It must've been late by now. As we drove down the city streets, they were nearly empty of people. It was like a ghost town. And so different to the crowds that usually packed the sideways during the day. Jin eventually pulls the car over to the side of the road.
"Here. This is it." He glanced out the window and it was there. They cordoned off the remains of a burnt building off. Well since abandoned, and by the looks of it, it has been for a while. Deserted.
"It's.. Burnt. I don't get it. What was this place?" I questioned, still looking at the blackened, crumbled walls that remained. The rest is a burnt-out shell of a building. It gave me goosebumps, so I looked back at Jin.
"The place where it all began. Where we spent the better half of our days together."
I forced myself to look out the window over the charred remains of the burnt out building one more time.
"Yoongi burned it to the ground after you lost your memories of us."
I stayed silent, speechless at the state of it. I truly didn't have words.
"All the times we shared with you were erased in the blink of an eye. This place was a constant reminder of that. He thought it was better to burn it all until not even the ashes remained. Maybe he truly believed there wouldn't be any lingering regrets, either."
"I can't believe it.. He really did that..?" I ripped my gaze back to Jin. His eyes were glassy, as though recalling something painful. "Tell me more. Please, I need to know more." Desperation kicked in. Yoongi, sweet Min Yoongi, had been that fucked up that he'd torched an entire building. This wasn't something I could take lightly. I need to know why.
"It used to be an underground hip hop club when we owned it. But you'd spruced up the top floor, and you used to live up there and worked at the bar for us as a side job."
"The job was just an excuse, though. We enjoyed being close to you and we used to spend most of our days there together. Some of the best moments of my past, if I'm honest."
I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the picture Jin was painting for me with his words. Trying to envision the moments he spoke of. I wanted to remember them. All of them. Visions phased in and out. Only long enough for me to glimpse snippets of what seemed from a distant dream.
The eight of us sitting around a table eating together. The flash of strobe lights and a packed dance floor. The buzz of loud music blaring, on the stage, Joon, Yoongi and Hoseok performing.
Being surrounded by the boys, laughing over drinks as we lounged out carelessly. They'd all been there with me, always surrounding me. A nostalgic sense of freedom washed over me. Like a rush of adrenaline. Had we truly lived like that back then?
I pushed on, desperate for more. Pleading with my mind to give way to my will. I lay between Namjoon's legs as we read a book together. The warmth of his body against mine. It'd been so quiet, so peaceful.
Memories of laying in bed with Jungkook and Tae surfaced. They'd both been huddled beside me watching movies.
My heart quivered.
Why couldn't I remember this before?
How could I have forgotten such precious moments?
I felt a cool sensation run down my cheek, but I kept my eyes shut tight, not wanting to stop. Not wanting them to disappear again. Tingles cross my skin as I recall Jimin standing before me against a vast night sky. The twilight above twinkling vividly before the moment bursts back into nothingness.
He'd kissed me on that rooftop. Under that night sky.
I opened my eyes to a tear-blurred vision of Jin sitting quietly in the car seat beside me.
There was so much I wanted to say, but no words came to me. Jin silently leant in and gently embraced me. I couldn't shake the ache that tormented my heart. Jin's arms tightened around me. It helped to calm the light trembles running through me.
The rubbing of his hands down my back was soothing. He had me; it was safe here. For now, I was okay.
I push against his chest a little and he pulled away, yet he waited for me to speak first.
"A few memories came back to me.. We.." I struggled to express my feelings. But one thing stood out. "We all seemed so.. Happy.."
"Really?" Jin smiled, but his eyes were watery. "Out of all the things we've been through. You think it was happy?"
"It wasn't?" I asked. Jin shut his eyes with a pained smile and shook his head.
"No, no. It was. I was so happy, and so were you. And the others too. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore." Jin opened his eyes and looked at me. A shaky breath left his lips, and he wrapped me in his arms again.
"You're so precious to me.. I just don't want you to get hurt again," Jin's voice was soft, barely above a whisper. His words drifted in the air before disappearing. I stayed in his hold for a while longer before we both had calmed down and the last traces of sentiments of the moment had vanished.
Suddenly there was a rustling from the back seat, which started Jin, and he jumped in his seat. Jimin popped out, revealing himself. "What I miss?" He asked as he rubbed his eyes to wake himself up.
"Nothing, we're going home," Jin let out a sigh of relief before pulling his belt over him and clicking it in.
Jin drove me back to the apartments in mostly silence. After a lingering goodnight, I closed the car door, and he left. I watched the black Sudan disappear around the street corner before I went up.
As I lay in bed, I was sauntering in an overwhelming feeling of numbness. A thought crossed my mind. The notebook.
I hadn't read it in such a long time. There had been so much happening that I'd momentarily put it aside. But a nagging inside had me pulling it out and turning for the next entry. It was from Jin.
How's my princess? Well, I hope.
You know, I was skeptical of this notebook idea. It's not that I don't want you to remember us. I'd love for you to be back with us. By our side is where you belong.
But it'll all come at a price. And what you'll have to pay.. I suppose my doubts are whether it's worth it. On skimming through the other members' entries, I see they've already shared much of our humble beginnings.
Namjoon even stole my thunder and mentioned the times I'd come and visit you while you were working as a hostess. Ahh, they truly were good times. The two of us were unstoppable! Ha!
It was fun while it lasted. But, all good things end. And that situation didn't end so well. I'm on the fence about whether to get into specifics. The price I spoke of applies here, and it's a hefty one to pay. Two things happened at this point. And it changed your life forever.
You were taken advantage of in the worst possible way, and it was our fault. At the time, you were unaware of the shady business we were undertaking. You were close to us and it put you in the line of fire.
Jia, you were drugged and sexually assaulted. Jungkook and I found out too little too late and by the time we got there, it'd already happened. From there, I shot the bodyguard of the fucker who assaulted you. Then Jungkook and I took you home.
You'd been irreversibly hurt. And pulled into a dangerous world. All because of us.
I'm so sorry. I didn't want to be the one to tell you this. I don't want you to hurt anymore. But you deserve to know what happened to you. The seven of us have been fighting endlessly over whether to tell you. Once you'd lost your memories, there was an ignorant bliss. But maybe we were wrong for keeping the truth from you.
Even now, I don't know if telling you this is the right thing or not. I was supposed to protect you. We all were. But we couldn't. That's a regret we all share to this day and will until we depart this life.
Now that these words have been spoken, I can't take them back. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I love you Jia.
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