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Capítulo 45: 44. Cityscape

Saturday, 18th. April. 2015

Last night's drinking escapades had left me feeling dizzy and thirsty this morning. I'd just woken up and was dreading having to go to the bathroom for some water. So when Koh knocked and shuffled his way into my room with arms full of hangover remedy and bottles of water, I was so grateful I could've kissed him.

"You're a mess. Was last night really that bad? Haru mentioned you helped with some clients but.." Koh came over and dumped all the water and bottles and cans onto my bed. I shuffled up into a sitting position and grabbed one of the water bottles straight away.

"Thankyou. Seriously, I needed this," I sighed before taking a big swig of water. It was like heaven. "I don't drink often. It's probably just because of that. But I'm fine,"

Flashes of Tae and Jimin surfaced, but they were still fuzzy.

"If you say so. Just be careful and don't overdo it" Koh cautioned, but there was a certain conviction lacking. As though he doubted saying this to me would make any kind of difference.

"I'll try" with a small smile I tried to sway him, attempting to get him to not worry. The more I learned about Koh, the more I realized what a sweetheart he was. It made me want to try not to worry him.

He left it at that and ventured back out, leaving me to rest a bit more. So, I drank a small can of Ajusshi juice and finished my bottle of water, then passed back out.

______________________

The second time I woke, it was around 3pm and I felt marginally better. But the remnants of my hangover remained. So, I got out of bed, wanting to go for a run to sweat it out.

I got changed into a black hoodie and leggings that were in the wardrobe. Then, slipped on the pair of running shoes that had been there too. Koh really thought of everything when shopping.

I took the spare keycard from the lobby and wandered down and outside. At the end of the street, there was a sign pointing out that the river was only a few meters further down.

So, knowing the river was long and had plenty of running tracks made it an ideal location. I set off and was there in no time.

The Han river ran right through the city. It provided a place for people to run, find some peace of mind, have a picnic, or spend a day out in the sunshine with friends. The waters were calm and soothing to look at as I took a moment to do some stretches. And as I set off at a steady pace, it seemed to stretch on as far as the eye could see.

I was at a disadvantage seeing as I already felt hungover, so working up a sweat was fairly easy. A bridge underpass was coming up. Beside it, I could see a few concrete blocks, which seemed like a pleasant place to take a breather.

As I approached, I noticed someone sitting on one of the blocks. He was looking out at the river as though mesmerized or lost in an ocean of thoughts. With every step came clarity.

It was someone I knew.

It was Namjoon.

The sight of him sitting there, so still, swayed a strange calm over me. Before I knew it, my feet had carried me to him. There I stood beside him.

"Hey," the words left me, pulling him from his thoughts to look at me.

"Hey," He blinks, but the calmness of his response remains and a small silence follows before he turns away from me and looks back at the view of the water and the cityscape surrounding.

"What are you looking for out there?" I asked, curiously. I turned toward where his unfocused but steady gaze appeared to be. There was another moment of silence before he spoke.

"Answers, I guess. But I have a feeling I won't find them out there," He sighed.

I quietly took a seat next to him. The water ripples ever so slightly. Like velvet, it flowed.

"Answers. I wouldn't mind some of those. But don't worry, I'm not going to push you or the others for them anymore."

Despite not flinching at my words, I could feel the twist in the air.

"I know we've probably fucked up and you don't trust us right now. I understand. Even if I wanted to tell you the things we're involved in, it won't change the fact that we lied to you."

I listened. He took a pause, then carried on.

"But, Jia.. Just.. Be careful."

This was typical Namjoon. What else had I expected? Typical of all of them…

"Mm. You always know the right thing to say, Joon. But you're right. It's a bit too late. I appreciate the warning but, it's not much help when you won't tell me who or what I need to be careful of,"

Joon turns to face me. I meet his hazel gaze and we lock eyes for a moment. My insides swirled, but he was the first to break away.

"Mr Kim. You need to be careful of him. I don't know what he has you believing, but whatever it is, it's a lie." I notice his jaw clenched at the mention of him. After a pause, he goes on. "This probably doesn't mean much coming from someone who kept so many secrets from you. But this is one thing I don't want to regret not telling you."

I didn't break my gaze from him. I couldn't. Uncertainty washed over at the absurdity of it all. Was I a joke to him?

"Around and around we go. You love me, you hate me, you need me, you lie to me. You promise me, you play with me." Joon turned to me. I felt my helplessness pooling in the corner of my eyes. "I'm tired. So tired Joon."

A tear tickled as it slid down my cheek. Joon reached out, slowly, wiping it away with the pad of his thumb.

"Jia." His touch was so simple, so gentle, but as his lips softly pressed against mine, a ferocious wave of emotions hit me. I pulled away. He lingered.

"I should get going. It's getting cold and I have- things to do tonight." His touch disappeared at my words. That closeness, longing, all dissipating in an instant.

"If you need me, you know where to find me."

I stood up and gave a nod before turning and leaving. I jogged all the way home. Struggling to keep myself together. To not burst open at the seams. As soon as I stripped off and locked myself into the shower cubicle and the water poured over, so did tears.

Everything hurts. I feel so defeated, lost and confused. The confusion is suffocating me.

After a heartfelt cry, I emerge from the bathroom. I saw a text on my phone from Haru. It says to take the night off and use it to recuperate for tomorrow.

I'm relieved seeing as I wasn't really in the mood to work tonight, anyway.

So, I crawl back into bed and reach for the notebook. I didn't know if this would make me feel better or worse, but I did it anyway.

————————-

These days, I find my mind being flooded with thoughts of you. To the point where I feel like I might drown in you. There's so much more I want to tell you, but I just can't bring myself to.

I just pray one day you'll be able to forgive me for all my mistakes. Because I know one day, we all have to face ourselves. Face the ugly truth. But, let's forget it for now. For now, let's talk about truths that are a bit easier to swallow.

I didn't mean to pry but, I may have taken a sneak peek at Hobi's entry before mine. I thought it was interesting that he mentioned you worked as a hostess haha. It brought back some pretty fond memories for me, actually.

But, more importantly, probably a lot more fond memories for you. Back when things weren't as fucked up as they became, you used to enjoy working there. Jin told me plenty of stories about how he went to visit you at the club you worked at, and all the champagne you guys used to down. You had a friend Mimi who also filled me in on some blanks. How fun and wild and carefree you always were.

I've been trying to focus on the positives, the good times. And after everything turned to shit, I made more effort to do that. Maybe by then it was too late. I don't know.

I just want you to remember the good times. I'm scared shitless at even the thought of you remembering the bad ones. But I feel like it's my responsibility to prepare you for when it happens. Because I'd be lying to myself and you if I were to say they won't come up, eventually.

Jia, you mean the world to me. Know that. You can always come to me. No matter what kind of completely fucked situation that's happening. Please, come to me if anything happens. Maybe it's too much to say, but I don't want to regret not telling you that.

Until next time, my sweetest girl 🤍

Namjoon


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